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Tuesday, 11 July 2006
Pink Floyd Founder Syd Barrett Taken Away to Magical Land of LSD at Age 60
Topic: Entertainment

Pink Floyd founder Syd Barrett, who famously left the band, being replaced by David Gilmour before the band's massive hit "Dark Side of the Moon," died a few days ago of unknown complications. He had been a diabetic for years.

Barrett had a history of mental illness that was heightened by his massive acid use, and spent the last couple of decades as a recluse. He will be missed throughout the rock and roll community, whom he influenced greatly in his singing, song-writing and guitar style. Rest in peace Syd Barrett. We hear God's got some pretty good stuff for you to try.


AP

Posted by James at 2:42 PM CDT
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Smugglers Continuing to Attempt to Ship One Peso Coins to Melt Down
Topic: Weird Shit

The Mexican currency has never been valued at a very high level. When we went to Tijuana at a young age, it was somewhere in the $1US equals some odd hundreds of pesos. Now it's roughly 52.20 pesos per dollar. So why are smugglers so interested in shipping the one peso coins overseas? Because the older coins contain high amounts of copper and nickel, making each coin worth about 3.50 pesos each, thus meaning a tidy profit.

Even though this is the oddest smuggling ring in the world, considering that the only reason these criminals are being caught is because they're failing to say what they're shipping. It's not illegal to ship money; just more expensive.


REUTERS

Posted by James at 1:06 PM CDT
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Kinky Friedman Can Use "Kinky" on Gubernatorial Ballot; Other Chick Can't Use "Grandma"
Topic: Texas Politics

Maverick candidate for Texas Governor Kinky Friedman has won yet another battle to get his victory, as he will be listed as Richard "Kinky" Friedman on the November ballot. His other independent opponent, Carole Keeton Strayhorn, will not, however, be allowed to use the nickname "Grandma" on hers, even though we didn't even know anyone called her this.

So now that it's official, it's just a matter of time before the two Democrats split votes, people throw trash and old vegetables at current governor Rick Perry, "Grandma" breaks her hip and Kinky wins it all. Should be an interesting train wreck of some campaigning in the coming months. Bully for that.


MSNBC

Posted by James at 12:16 PM CDT
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Finally, Something to be Proud of; Texas Schools First to Ban "Grillz"
Topic: Texas News

Three Dallas area school districts have become the first to ban the wearing of idiotic "grillz" in the mouths of their students. These stupid pieces of "jewelry" go over the teeth and are made to be pretty much just a shiny way to make you talk like you have a mouthful of shit.

"The district is having to respond to fads because they've become distracters or a safety hazard for those around them," said Arlington ISD Malcolm Turner, the district's executive director of student services.

Grand Prairie and DeSoto have also banned the moronic mouthpieces. Perhaps this will finally show parents just how dumb their kids can be, so this stupidity doesn't keep happening. No one cares if you look like Jaws from the James Bond movies!


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Posted by James at 12:07 PM CDT
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Monday, 10 July 2006
Parkland Memorial Hospital to Charge Mexico for Illegals Treatment; Needs More Bleach to Cover the Wretched Smell
Topic: Texas News

Parkland Memorial Hospital is the type of medical facility that we would not step foot in. This is not because the medical staff is incompetent (Parkland is notorious for having some of the best staff in the nation - ed.), or because it's in a bad location (which it is), but because of its overpowering smell, which seems to be a combination of urine and week old semen.

Now, Parkland officials are apparently out of bleach and are looking to bill the country of Mexico for all of the extended medical service they give to the illegal immigrants that frequent their emergency room. If you ask us, however, sending a bill to Mexico is like dialing the operator on your phone and asking to speak to Korea.

Officials are stating that they don't think they'll get the money, but they might as well try. And even if this is a colossal failure, they could possibly eke some extra money out of the federal government so they can buy some more bleach and cover up the motherfucking stench. Bleh.


WASHINGTON TIMES

P.S. - This is one of the stories we attempted to file earlier, so forgive us if it somehow appears twice after the pygmie massacre is complete.

P.P.S. - Pygmies do exist people, it's a scientific fact. It's just that some of you prefer to call them Hobbits.

Posted by James at 2:11 PM CDT
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Pygmies Have Infected Our Computer
Topic: Housekeeping

Honestly we aren't even sure if this message will make it out, but the pygmies that have long been held at bay by our server's spinning fan have managed to wedge a tiny pebble inside of it, thus halting it from its security duties and allowing them to run amok on our site.

Only one of the five posts we have attempted to make today have made it online, so until we are able to stab every little one of these little buggers with fondue forks, we're going to be down. It's not a ten count, but it's nearing a standing eight, so we better get on it.

Posted by James at 1:30 PM CDT
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Entourage's Biggest Fake Opening of All Time Can't Beat Johnny Depp
Topic: Entertainment

Much was made in the first two episodes of the third season of Entourage about James Cameron's Aquaman beating Spiderman as the biggest opening ever by raking in $116 million. So much for that fantasy. Now, Pirates of the Caribbean 2 absolutely crushed this by hauling in a massive $132 million, making Johnny Depp the biggest drunken, odd, careening movie star on the planet, meaning no one will ever call him Edward Scissorhands again.

Depp's Captain Jack Sparrow also beat the crap out of the Man of Steel, as Superman's total take so far only has hit $147 million, despite costing $200 million to make. Yep. Paramount wet themselves this morning.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Posted by James at 11:29 AM CDT
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Sunday, 9 July 2006
2006 World Cup Heart of Darko Party!
Topic: Sports

We're fans of any event that can bring the entire world together and that you can bet on using Internet casinos, so of course the 2006 World Cup has done this for us. Today's finals match between France and Italy is currently in halftime, with the score tied 1-1 after an early penalty kick by French legend Zidane to start it off and then Italy returning the favor with a tremendous header to knot it up.

45+ minutes of soccer left, and this might be a very high scoring game, since both teams have the explosive ability. Watch it on ABC or keep tabs below!


FOX SPORTS

Posted by James at 1:59 PM CDT
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Friday, 7 July 2006
NBA Player Eddie Griffin Charged with Driving While Jerking Off and Watching Porn and Being Drunk
Topic: Sports

Minnesota Timberwolves forward Eddie Griffin is in a lot of trouble for his DUI car accident last month, during which time he was thought to have been masturbating while driving intoxicated to his home. Griffin smashed into three cars before lurching to a stop, penis in drunken hand. We turn to Deadspin now, who has the full lawsuit linked on their page and the best excerpt quoted for those of you in a hurry.

Defendant Griffin was under the influence of alcohol and negligently not paying attention to the direction of travel ahead of him due in part to the fact he was watching a pornographic DVD which was displayed on a mounted in-dash DVD player, located near the steering column, in his Escalade video. He was manually manipulating his genitals which he described to a witness, after the accident, as “jacking off.” DVD jackets with pornographic titles “Anal Action” and “Privates” were seen in the driver/passenger area of the vehicle. The items were viewed by the officers at the scene, whereupon they laughed.

It might come back to bite them in the ass, but the officers on the scene laughing part was our favorite, and we laughed when we read that. Way to go Eddie. You're dumb.


DEADSPIN

Posted by James at 1:37 PM CDT
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The Damn Weekly DSCC Email; Only Chuck Schumer Can Stop Evil
Topic: Politics

This week's Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee email comes from that quasi-lovable madman from New York state, Senator Chuck Schumer. Chucky's pretty happy that people gave the DSCC $1.2 million in the past month (dude, that's pretty week for a nationwide fund raiser, isn't it? - ed.), so he's going to tell you exactly what HE's going to do with your money.

He and the other Democratic Senators are going to turn into Super Senators and have a cage match with Bush, because only they can stop his world domination plot.

Senate Democrats are the only people standing in the way of Bush's radical agenda. - Seriously Chuck? The House Democrats suck that much? Shhh. Nancy Pelosi might've heard you. Hide in your closet.

In the run-up to the November elections, you can count on Republicans doing everything to divert and distract from their disastrous legislative record. They'll attack the media. They'll revel in their fake tough guy patriotism. But this time, America won't be fooled. - The Democrats however, will do none of this. Instead, they will be standing on top of tall buildings in tights, capes flying in the wind, waiting for a kitten to get stuck in a tree, because Democrats love kittens. And puppies. And full grown cats and dogs because they tend to pander.

This was a worthless, disappointing email that only lasted two paragraphs and said nothing of importance except that, surprise, Democrats think George W. Bush sucks. You know what Chuck? You suck. Never email us again with this boring shit.


DSCC

Posted by James at 11:52 AM CDT
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A Few More Reasons Why Cingular Sucks
Topic: Technology

As former Verizon wireless and current Sprint PCS fans, we've never been big on Cingular. We think they're overpriced and don't care about their customers, only using their "cool new phones" to draw people in. Looks like we were righter than we could've guessed.

Now the company faces a multi-million dollar class action lawsuit on behalf of former AT&T wireless customers who after the October 2004 merger with Cingular were promised no degradation of service. Turns out that Cingular couldn't care less, and did not keep up or update the AT&T wireless facilities, and customers not only began to receive more dropped calls and areas of no service, but were treated as second class customers.

The federal suit alleges that Cingular forced AT&T customers to cancel their AT&T contracts for $175 before they were able to change service, and that they stopped offering new phones and updates plans for AT&T customers, forcing them to change to their service.

This comes one month after Cingular lost a $12.5 million judgment for signing up customers faster than they could get them cell phone service and would also have to pay $10 million to customers who canceled their contracts after being forced to by Cingular. This gives us even more cause to say with 100 percent conviction that Cingular sucks.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Posted by James at 11:03 AM CDT
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Thursday, 6 July 2006
Another Reason not to be Too Frightened of Bears; We're Looking at You Steven Colbert!
Topic: National News

While cruising through our daily links and relaxing after a hard day of nothing, we ran across this slightly older, but still chuckle-worthy tale of animal hilarity at Cute Overload. With respect to the original author (and since we can't write it any better - ed.), and because we fear another plagiarism lawsuit (another? - ed. don't ask), we'll simply paste a condensed version of the story here before logging the photo below.

Jack, a 15-pound orange and white cat, keeps a close vigil on his property, often chasing small animals, but his owners and neighbors say his latest escapade was surprising.

"We used to joke, 'Jack's on duty,' never knowing he'd go after a bear," owner Donna Dickey told The Star-Ledger of Newark for Friday's editions.

After about 15 minutes, the bear descended and tried to run away, but Jack chased it up another tree
Dickey, who feared for her cat, then called Jack home and the bear scurried back to the woods.


If bears could talk, we'd never hear about this story again. Sissy bear...


CUTE OVERLOAD

Posted by James at 7:56 PM CDT
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Man's Head Falls Off, People Come to See
Topic: Weird Shit

Injuries can draw people together, and such is the case of Indian electrician Sambhu Roy, who's skull fell off Sunday, drawing thousands to see the man hold a piece of his own head.

A victim of horrendous burns, Roy's skin began to die on top of his skull and receded to the point that you could see bone. Then after a short period of time, the skull began to loosen from a lack of blood, which apparently is common in terrible burns. Now the man has nothing protecting his brain except for a towel.

Actually, that's not true. Doctor's fabricated a false skull top and have it in place, but Roy said he's not getting rid of his real piece, as it has made him famous. And gross.


REUTERS

Posted by James at 2:45 PM CDT
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Gawker Media Kills Two Outlets!
Topic: Media

We apologize for our tardiness today in getting to all the insipid, vapid regurgitation that we think of as news, but the story behind this involves a helicopter, police, pork chops and a woman. Yeah, don't ask.

But on to something we just found out about last night: the Gawker media staff has been reshuffled, and some, like Gawker.com's Jesse Oxfeld, have been let go! Also, Sploid, one of our links to the left, has been cut free to drift into the Internet bath house. Screenhead also joins it in the abyss. Nick Denton, the Gawker honcho/founder/creepy guy, said this is for traffic reasons and that the sites never took off.

Of course, for Sploid it could be because it has a staff of many and is updated on a maybe three times a day basis. We have a staff of one and update our site just as much, if not more. Still, we liked its brand of news (despite the everything not leftist hatred - ed.) and will miss it. It's still up and running, but soon it will go bye-bye, unable to keep itself afloat.

RIP.

Posted by James at 2:35 PM CDT
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Wednesday, 5 July 2006
Dummies Arrested for Trying to Sell Coke Secrets to Pepsi
Topic: Stupidity

Three morons in Atlanta were caught trying to ruin Pepsi by selling them Coke's secrets. The three include an executive assistant who stole secrets, paperwork and a top secret new project.

In our opinion though, Pepsi has nothing to worry about, since Coke is the one in desperation mode after the failure of Coke Blak (why not just call it Coke Negro for pete's sake? - ed.). That and we hate Coke products. If we wanted to take the roof off of our mouths, burn out sinuses and melt our taste buds, we'd just go drink a bottle of Montezuma tequila.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Posted by James at 9:47 PM CDT
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Another Idiot Cop Does Something Stupid; Runs Over Sunbather
Topic: Stupidity

Florida has lately been in the news, especially with their own fare amount of stupidity. This story comes to us from Daytona Beach, where the Fourth of July weekend was marred by a dumbass cop who wasn't paying attention to his job... or where his truck was headed.

While driving at an astoundingly quick 2.5 mph and warning beachgoers to steer clear of the rip tide, the officer rolled over a sunbather, who immediately stood up and began to scream at the cop before collapsing to the ground. Reports say she's okay, alert and talking, but the cop is the one who is facing the worst of it.

He's facing a massive fine of $115. For running someone over. You or I would be arrested, but he's fined $115. It's no wonder we hate the state of Florida.


FIRST COAST NEWS

Posted by James at 4:16 PM CDT
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All Atlantic City Casinos Close! East Coast Gamblers Freak the Hell Out
Topic: National News

Atlantic City, New Jersey, has long been a haven for gamblers, old people and boxing aficionados. Now, thanks to the state of New Jersey wanting more than their fair share and not even being able to afford their casino inspectors' payrolls (even while earning $1.3 million a day off of the casinos - ed.), every casino in Atlantic City has been shut down as of midnight this morning.

The closures are result of budget issues involving the proposed state budget, which has not been approved, meaning that they have no idea where they will get the funds to pay their state gambling commissioners, inspectors and officials. But the big problem is the 15,000+ casino workers who will be out of work until the casinos open back up, which could double if they stay closed through the weekend.

"They're going to lose a lot of money," said Jerome Harper, 42, of Philadelphia, who was playing the slots at Resorts Atlantic City. "It's bad. Why close it down when you could just do your job and put the budget together? That's what they're paid for."

Dude, if a degenerate slot player can figure this out, surely New Jersey can. If not, then we were right, and there finally is nothing good in the Garden State.


MY WAY NEWS

Posted by James at 12:08 PM CDT
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Greek Super-Mosquitoes Caused by Greeks!
Topic: Weird Shit

Greek scientists have determined that a new breed of Greek super-mosquitoes are the result of pollution, smog and cramped living conditions in Athens, where the population of these massive blood suckers has soared, thanks to all the nooks and crannies where they can lay their eggs.

"Mosquitoes can lay their eggs even inside the trays placed beneath thousands of balcony flowerpots," Athens University professor of zoology Anastassios Legakis said.

While we feel for the Greeks, we honestly can't, because we've had these bugs in Texas for decades, and we just punch them in their large faces and run for our apartment.


AFP via YAHOO! NEWS

Posted by James at 11:57 AM CDT
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Former Enron CEO Ken Lay Taken by the Devil!
Topic: National News

Former corrupt bastard and Enron CEO Ken Lay has been found dead in his Colorado vacation home of what authorities are calling a massive heart attack, which either means poisoning, hanging, beaten to death, or shot in the face. Or suicide.

Lay was found responsible in part for the downfall of America's largest energy trader and was awaiting his sentence for multiple counts of fraud and embezzlement. He probably self induced his coronary to stop from being pounded in the rump by former employees in the clink. Rot in hell, Ken Lay. The devil's waiting for your sorry ass.


REUTERS

Posted by James at 11:52 AM CDT
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Friday, 30 June 2006
Have a Happy and Safe 4th of July Weekend!
Topic: Entertainment

Everyone go and enjoy yourselves this long weekend during your 4th of July exploits! Be safe with your alcohol consumption and don't fall of your boats! If you have Monday off, enjoy the four day weekend, and if not, just think that everyone is sleeping off hangovers and at least you're being productive. We're our own bosses here, so there's no reason for us to even think about posting again until Wednesday the 5th. Enjoy this video (granted, it's from New Years 2005, but it still works - ed.) with firecrackers galore, and once again, be safe!


Posted by James at 7:43 PM CDT
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