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Since the good fellas at Jalopnik have decided to sanction our amateur drinking game into a full blown official version, they have let it be known that tonight is your first chance to play along with CNBC's show "On The Money." So get your beer cans ready (we're using Miller High Life in a bottle, because we're classy/broke like that - ed.) and play along.
Also, you can follow the link below and add your own rules to the growing game. The best addition gets a nifty prize. We already have the ultimate prize anyway, as said by Jalop commenter Phil McCarthy, i.e. ThnderBlt Dohrty; we created pop culture.
The son of a bond owner who gave a homeless man $100 for returning $21,000 in savings bonds must now feel like a total heel, as outpouring from Detroit and the entire country has given the hobo over $4,000 in compensation for his good deed.
After finding the bonds in a trash can while searching for returnable glass bottles, the homeless samaritan took them to a local shelter and asked the workers there to help him find the proper owner, which they promptly did. After news was released about the man's selfless actions, business leaders and compassionate Americans from across the country turned out support, including large bags of returnable bottles, jars of spare change, thousands of dollars in cash and even a job interview.
The 59-year-old former roofer, Charles Moore, is grateful for the assistance, and should now take a shit on the porch of the bastards who stiffed him for finding their money. We mean like, a big, land mind-sized dropping that leaves a permanent mark on their doorstep. If Mr. Moore needs help creating one, we can purchase him some Chinese food, because in our current monetary situation, that's really all we have to offer.
P.S. - We totally would have kept the bonds. We're not really very nice guys.
We apologize for reporting so much financial news in the recent days, but the second quarter numbers for some of America's largest companies are astounding. Yahoo! lost $10.4 billion in a day, shortly before Ford dropped $123 million. Then McDonald's comes back today with a massive increase, and now Internet sales juggernaut Amazon.com has announced a 58 percent drop in earnings, leading to a 9 percent falloff in trading.
But all is not bad, as the company says this revenue drop was due to an increase in investing in technology and shipping resources, and this is confirmed by a 22 percent increase in sales, meaning that the company is spending money to make money. We still are a bit pessimistic, as this is a massive drop to incur due to shipping investments, as we all know from the TV commercials that if they were to simply open an account with FedEx.com they could save 15 percent on shipping. Extra hand gestures not included.
The 2003 James Bond film Die Another Day was centered around the idea that a satellite could not only create an artificial sun to promote growth of crops around the year, but also be used to create an intense weaponized beam of heat. Now the Chinese have taken this far fetched idea and turned it into a reality, that, if successful, would create the first fision reaction and possibly create an artificial sun for use of the first of the two Bond movie devices.
But there will be no chance that the device can be used to down a plane, as was done in the climax of the film. Five foot walls of reinforced concrete will keep the reaction under control, and any international weapons dealers will of course be barred from attending the test, especially the infamous Goldfinger.
A kamikaze raccoon, angry at humans for putting lids on their trashcans and running over his brethern, decided to strike back on his Florida neighbors, as he chewed through a power cord and took out the electricity to nearly 3,000 residents in the Kissimmee area.
While the coon died in his strike against the human race, his act did take out power to the area for a half hour, showing all other nocturnal animals that if one little cute furball can do such damage, then perhaps the rest can rise up and knock over every trashcan in the state, or destroy the paint on every vehicle on the road, or perhaps clog the highways completely, causing a standstill that would never end. Smart little bastards.
A new technology has made its way to London, where "Buddy on Demand" has recently been released. Simply put, finally women can blow a man that will stick with them throughout the night (ha ha! we're funny - ed.). The company is offering an inflatable man, who happens to look nothing like a real human man, that is said to help keep female drivers feel safe cruising at night.
There's really nothing much else to say about this product, except that we doubt any potential carjackers would be put off by this rectangular shaped man, and would only be more ready to attack these women, as this blow up doll is obvious proof that she will not fight back.
McDonald's did the happy dance after watching their second quarter profits rise 57 percent on increased breakfast and international sales. Executives for the company offer the claim that their new premium coffee has helped to increase breakfast sales of such disgusting fare as their 9,000 calorie bagle sandwiches and their McGriddle, a combination of powdered eggs and pancakes which tastes like something that came from the ass end of Satan.
International sales were also bolstered by McDonald's participation in World Cup Soccer sponsorship, because everybody knows that athletes that run constantly for 90 minutes love nothing more after a long, sweaty game than to chow down a sandwich the size of their head that contains over 40 grams of saturated fat.
This is interesting, considering that McDonald's "Go Active" happy meal for adults, which contained such wonderful choices as an iceburg leaf lettuce salad (mmm! lack of nutrition! - ed.) and a pedometer (you can't even eat that) failed miserably. Guess it proves that what America really wants is to be hated worldwide and fat at the same time. Go eat some fries, you husky country.
After a long time trying to figure out why only one or two people have ever not had their computers crash while attempting to comment here at HoD, we fixed the problem! And by we, we mean Firefox.
So go ahead and comment away. There aren't any invitations necessary, since our entire monthly readership equals one hour on Drudge Report, Gawker or Daily Kos (they get 180,000 hits an hour? Jesus... - ed. it's a joke, dick), we're looking for some extra input. The link to comment is hidden in the bottom right corner of each post and all yours to use as you see fit. Or not.
Either way at least we can say every function on this site works. Except for embedded videos, which believe us, we're working on.
This is one of those interesting stories that comes around once every few months that could be included in multiple topic lists. We chose to label it National News, but it could easily be Embarrassment, Stupidity, Cars/Automotive or Weird Shit. Either way, it's awesome.
An armed federal agent was caught up in an accident with a taxi cab on Saturday night in NYC after a wild night of partying with three "scantily clad women" in his government-owned Buick Lucerne driving through the streets of Manhattan with his loud speaker on screaming "stay to the right! stay to the right!" as his lights flashed brightly, all before running through a red light and being broadsided by a cab.
Witnesses at the scene said that the three probably hookers or strippers fled the scene with paper sacks most likely containing booze bottles, and that there was a cooler in the back seat of the car and a case of Heineken in the trunk. And the best part is, somewhere there is videotape, because the New York Post has seen it. This leads us to invoke what our mother always told us; share and share alike. WE MUST SEE THIS TAPE.
As the owner of two cats, we are keenly aware of the amount of mischief they can get into. Which is also why we have our dog act as security in our apartment, making sure that our crazy felines don't break more lamps. But a New York neighborhood is in turmoil as Willy the cat strikes again and again, stealing from his neighbors whenever he gets the chance.
Does Willy steal socks? Perhaps toys? No. Willy is really into gardening gloves.
"This all started about the time people began working in their gardens, I guess March or April," owner Jennifer Pifer said. "Willy would just show up with a glove, or we'd see them on the front steps. I guess it's better than if he was bringing home dead birds."
Now the Pifers keep their cat's prizes on a rope outside of their own garden, with a sign hanging over them which says simply enough "Our cat is a glove snatcher. Please take these if yours."
Will Willy be rehabilitated? Quite the opposite, in fact. The neighborhood are big fans of the crafty kitty, who also has a history of stalking (the mailman - ed.) and assault (he hides in trees and punches people in the head as they walk below). If you live in the town of Pelham, keep your eyes out for Willy, both high, low and behind you. He seems to be a born hairy criminal.
We have never been big fans of self promotion (are you kidding? - ed.), and as many of you know, Jalopnik is one of our top favorite blogs to visit throughout the day. We are also very proud of their editors, namely Ray Wert and Davey G. Johnson, for consistently getting on television, with Ray appearing on the CNBC program On The Money and Davey showing up on the G4 network show Filter this past Friday.
But because of a dare from Davey early last Thursday, we happened to create a drinking game that for some reason On The Money decided they would put in their bonus, and now Jalopnik has thrown the video up online. So thank you to the fellas at the Jalop and everyone at On The Money for proving that drinking can not only be dangerous to your health, your wallet, your relationship and your arrest record, but it can also be fun.
EDIT: Since it's been requested, we're dropping the link to the Jalopnik story about this massive event in our personal history. Never before have we, as one of the commentors on the Jalop noted, created pop culture. Now bring on our inclusion in the next version of Trivial Pursuit!
ORIGINAL CAR PUNDIT DRINKING GAME
English artist and sculptor Maurice Agis has made a name for himself creating giant, walk-in sculptures that attract the old and young with their bright colors and large, inviting spaces that are designed for patrons to walk through. However brilliant his bounce-house creating abilities are, Agis has absolutely no concept for physics, as his latest creation became free of its moorings and took off 18 feet into the air, spilling out 15 people who were trapped inside and killing two women who fell to their death.
Agis's sculpture could have been an even more massive hit instead of garnering world wide acclaim as being full of idiocy, had he filled it with regular air instead of helium, which as anyone over the age of 5 knows is the cause of your Six Flag's balloon flying into a jet engine at 20,000 feet and also the reason your voice goes all squeaky when you inhale the wonderful gas.
It is now official that the first Lance Armstrong-less Tour de France in seven years ended with the United States retaining the honor of claiming the winner as their own as Floyd Landis, team leader of Phonak, pulled in through the final stage as the overall winner after being down over eight minutes only two days previously.
So congratulations to Landis and the Phonak team, who have kept America at the top of the podium yet again. Now go eat something greasy Floyd. And maybe grab yourself a Parisian prostitute or two. You've definitely earned yourself a vacation from exercise.
As big fans of Mexican food, we are keenly aware of the utter stupidity in our devouring it. It is all cheese, meat, vegetables and a tortilla product combined in different manners, and we gobble it up like it's crack.
Now a Mexican tequila manufacturer has discovered a new way to sell ultra premium spirits to Americans at upwards of $225,000 a bottle. It's not the 100 percent agave liqour that has been aged for six years. It's the bottles, which are platinum, gold, or silver.
"Tonight we are trying for the Guinness Book of Records with the most expensive bottle in the world," Fernando Altamirano, chief executive of producer Tequila Ley .925, told a launch party for the liquor.
If you don't want to drop over 200 large on a platinum bottle, there are gold and silver bottles for $25,000. But you'll still be considered a cheap bastard by your fancy pants friends who sprang for the $150,000 solid gold bottle.
A Spanish research firm has claimed to have developed a new type of crude oil that is created from plankton, creating a non-stop renewable energy source that could burn cleaner and easily bred, meaning your SUV will be able to run for hundreds of years to come.
"Bio Fuel Systems has developed a process that converts energy, based on three elements: solar energy, photosynthesis and an electromagnetic field," it said in a press dossier. "That process allows us to obtain biopetroleum, equivalent to that of fossil origin."
The new fuel source would allow for cleaner burning fuel that releases less CO2, which would help with that whole global warming thing that Al Gore seems to hate so much. As of yet, they haven't tested the plankton crude oil in vehicles yet because it has not been refined, but for the billions of small creatures giving their lives to run our vehicles, we say you thought you were safe. Now what's up?
French magistrate Philippe Bonnet is currently sleeping off a hardcore bender after attacking two police officers who were called to his home on a disturbance charge. The weapon? A ceremonial Masonic sword.
One of the police officers was barely sliced by the weapon before the other was able to take down the drunken judge with a non-lethal projectile weapon. Bonnet, an appeals court magistrate, is currently on suspension from his position waiting for the findings of an investigative committee, which will undoubtedly find him to be a very confused Mason indeed.
A Monroe, Conn., man is under arrest and awaiting a hearing after accidentally blinding his wife while flinging a carrot at her during an argument at the dinner table. We have unconfirmed reports that the carrot was steamed, and not roasted, which was why it was still able to cause the debilitating wound. Had it been cooked next to a pot roast with potatoes, it would've simply stuck to her face, slowly sliding down her cheek in a comical manner.
Instead, Roderick Vecsey's wife Pamela was subject to six hours of surgery which was unable to save her vision in her left eye. Roderick was arraigned on second degree assault and disorderly contact with a carrot and is now free on a $500 bond. This is proof positive that no matter what your mother told you when you were younger, vegetables can hurt you.
We heard about this last night but were still working out the kinks in our interface, so it had to be kept back until today, where we are astonished to report that Yahoo! has lost $10.4 billion in one single day after it saw its stock drown 22 percent after announcing they were holding off an advertising change that is the basis of their large profit margin.
Yahoo! closed at $25.20 per share, a drop of $7.04. This beats out the 20.9 percent drop that the company experienced after announcing in 2000 that they would be affected by the dot com boom.
Get ready for a possible sell off on Yahoo! stock, since it might appear that the company is going to have to delay the advertising shift again, as it is not even close to being ready. If so, the company could lose some major ground on its major competitor, Google. The Google guys must be laughing their asses off in their white lab coats while drinking liquified diamond coffee out of solid gold mugs.
YAHOO! FINANCE (how ironic is that)
A female New Zealand police officer was censured for working as a prostitute as a secondary job, something that was not sanctioned by the New Zealand Prostitutes' Collective, the governing body of all hookers in the country.
"The officer concerned has been counseled. Under police procedures this amounts to a censure," Deputy Police Commissioner Lyn Provost said in a statement.
The big reason that the officer got into trouble with her superiors is not because she was hooking, but because she did not request permission to hold a second job. But the head of the Whore Commission has said that it's no big deal that an officer of the law would wish to work as a sex worker, stating that they can make upwards of $300+ on a good night and that doctors, lawyers and various business leaders from around the country work in the sex industry.
It must be wonderful to live in a magic country that housed both Hobbits, Mordor and legal hookers who can treat you for their VD after they service you. Ah New Zealand. How much are flights there?
