Topic: National News
Japanese master eater Kobayashi watched his reign of 5 straight Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest Championships end as Californian Joey Chestnut took down not only his own record, but the Japanese Stomach to emerge as the 2007 winner, as well as the owner of the world record for most hot dogs eaten in 12 minutes.
"If I needed to eat another one right now, I could," Chestnut boasted, probably before falling into a fit of pain caused by the estimated 900 million calories he inhaled.
Kobayashi has been the reigning champion since 2001, when he shocked the world with his powers to suck down meat sticks. He has lately been suffering from an arthritic jaw (go figure - ed.) and wisdom tooth surgery, but apparently showed no ill signs during the contest, despite people wanting to make a controversy out of this.
But all we have to say is GO U.S.A.! We're bigger pigs than the rest of the world!
A Maine high school basketball coach was fired after telling his players during halftime of a tough game that the outcome would depend on "who had the biggest dick in town." After his comment, he told them to "check your manhood" by reaching into their shorts and grabbing their junk.
That's right people. It's time to get the pole out of the crawl space and throw away your tinsel, because Festivus is a mere two days away. Or one day, depending on your concept of time and how you count and... now we've lost our train of thought.
We're sure that by now, you have all heard about the single engine plane that crashed into a Manhattan skyscraper yesterday morning, which killed the two people aboard and raised the New York terror alert to "Holy Godfuck it Happened Again!" But now new reports have come out that have confirmed that it was not only not a terrorist attack, but that the plane was piloted by New York Yankees pitcher Cory Lidle.
The first time we lost our job, our boss gave him the opportunity to yell and scream athim by giving us a face to face confrontation surrounding the whole "deal." Executives at Radio Shack, who previously announced upcoming job cuts, apparently don't have any balls to speak of, as they let 400 employees go yesterday by a mass email notification, creating ire among remaining employees of the company and setting off a sense of outrage throughout the nation.
Our planned hiatus has taken a break, allowing us a moment or two to post some stupidity from our own judiciary system, once again focusing on professed JonBenet Ramsey Killer John Mark Karr, who was extradited from Bangkok, Thailand, earlier last week to face possible murder charges in the decades-old case. Turns out he just wanted to get the hell out of Thailand before child indecency charges were brought against him there. 
The Las Vegas marriage bureau has announced that starting August 31, there will be no more late night weddings in the city, meaning that all drunken celebrities who wish to get married to hookers or childhood friends will either have to obtain a marriage license before midnight or just get drunk when it's light out.
A 30-year-old former Marine who currently teaches a former of strength-training martial arts at a Utah gym took down a man who after recently being arrested from jail for assault walked out of a 7-11 convenience store without paying for a carton of cigarettes and punched a female clerk in the face.
Seventeen-year-old Jakub Voboril has just made himself the biggest target in the entire state of Kansas by becoming the only person in the country to get perfect scores on both the ACT and SAT. His 36 and 2400 mean that not only is he one smart son of a bitch, but he's probably soft and pink, which means good for punching.
A Homeland Security report has been released by the Associated Press, in which it is clearly stated that airport X-ray scanners cannot detect possible shoe bombs, as they are unable to differentiate between your footwear's material and expolisve devices. The upshot? It doesn't matter, because you're meant to be treated like a piece of crap and still need to take off your shoes, unless you enjoy body cavity searches.
Former Hollywood agent Jamie Gold (no relation to Ari of Entourage - ed.) eliminated a 25-year-old restaurant manager earlier this morning to win $12 million in the 2006 World Series of Poker. Gold, who previously said he wanted no part of the fame that would be doled out to him if he did win, is now the most famous poker player in the world, even though he could spend the rest of his life burning money and not have to worry about going broke.
A long stretch of Pennsylvania road has claimed two brothers in two separate motorcycle accidents two hours apart from each other. Jeremy Kerr was headed to the scene of his brothers fatal accident on Route 38 when he failed to pay attention and smashed into the back of a car stopped in traffic caused by his older brother's wreck.
A phone survey of 1,100 Americans showed that the majority of those called claimed that they had healthy eating habits, proving that fat people do indeed lie to not only themselves, but others as well. Plus, 40 percent of obese people interviewed in the study claimed to "vigorously exercise" three times a week. Yeah right.
McDonald's did the happy dance after watching their second quarter profits rise 57 percent on increased breakfast and international sales. Executives for the company offer the claim that their new premium coffee has helped to increase breakfast sales of such disgusting fare as their 9,000 calorie bagle sandwiches and their McGriddle, a combination of powdered eggs and pancakes which tastes like something that came from the ass end of Satan.
This is one of those interesting stories that comes around once every few months that could be included in multiple topic lists. We chose to label it National News, but it could easily be Embarrassment, Stupidity, Cars/Automotive or Weird Shit. Either way, it's awesome.
Alfie the dog is being called a local Philadelphia hero after stopping his owner's two-year-old son from falling off of the family's roof in the middle of the night. The toddler apparently outsmarted his parents and moved away the impenetrable playpen they put in front of the broken window in his room before pulling himself up onto the roof.
A Hawaiian man was held in contempt of court after exclaiming "Thank you, Jesus!" shortly following his acquittal of one charge of child abuse, which turned out to be a lie formed by his angry young son. Judge Patrick Border told him that his outburst was against his wishes to keep the court quiet and had him held in jail for six hours before bringing him back into the courtroom and releasing him.
Jack, a 15-pound orange and white cat, keeps a close vigil on his property, often chasing small animals, but his owners and neighbors say his latest escapade was surprising.
Atlantic City, New Jersey, has long been a haven for gamblers, old people and boxing aficionados. Now, thanks to the state of New Jersey wanting more than their fair share and not even being able to afford their casino inspectors' payrolls (even while earning $1.3 million a day off of the casinos - ed.), every casino in Atlantic City has been shut down as of midnight this morning.