Have a Happy and Safe 4th of July Weekend!
Topic: Entertainment

Everyone go and enjoy yourselves this long weekend during your 4th of July exploits! Be safe with your alcohol consumption and don't fall of your boats! If you have Monday off, enjoy the four day weekend, and if not, just think that everyone is sleeping off hangovers and at least you're being productive. We're our own bosses here, so there's no reason for us to even think about posting again until Wednesday the 5th. Enjoy this video (granted, it's from New Years 2005, but it still works - ed.) with firecrackers galore, and once again, be safe!

First Idiot Myspace Teen Won't be Supervised by Court
Topic: Technology

The idiot Michigan teenage girl who attempted to fly to the West Bank to be with a dude she met on networking Web site Myspace.com won't have to be supervised by the court because she's retarded. Instead, she'll be remanded to her parent's custody and will have to forfeit her passport, all because she couldn't get a date in America.

Katherine Lester, now 17, went on Good Morning America last week and announced her plans to marry the 20-year-old Palestinian, who works for her dad delivering products to bodegas and stores throughout the West Bank. Because of her mom's inability to keep her from sneaking out of the house and flying to Amman, Jordan, Lester is now living with her dad, which probably isn't the smartest idea in the world considering her intentions.

Now if only the idiot teenage girl who is suing Myspace for her own stupidity would take a lesson, we wouldn't be that upset with today's current youth population. Until then, we'll continue to pelt them with water balloons while they're playing hopscotch. Also, that's really fun and we don't want to stop.


AP

Idiot Jordanian Embezzler Busted for Posing as Brad Pitt
Topic: Stupidity

A Jordanian who was attempting to embezzler more than $23,000 from a Dubai money exchange was busted when an employee noticed the picture ID he was using was had a photo of Brad Pitt on it.

After being arrested, the idiot told police that he didn't know who Brad Pitt was, and that he simply downloaded the photo for the fake ID from the Internet. This easily qualifies him as both one of the most homosexual and retarded criminals to ever walk the face of the Earth.


REUTERS via YAHOO! NEWS via DEFAMER

The Damn Weekly DSCC Email; John Edwards Makes no Point Without Smiling and Batting Eyes
Topic: Politics

This week's Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee email comes from last election's Vice Presidential candidate, one John Edwards, who is pretty much the epitome of everything that's wrong with out country. Sure, he's not an idiot, but he obviously thinks that to get elected, all you need is a smile and long eyelashes. JE, take a lesson from JFK; you gotta have ideas also. So we dive right in to Senator Edwards' email to us, which was delivered under the title "Wreckage." Should be fun:

Two thousand five hundred American soldiers killed in Iraq is "just a number," according to White House Press Secretary Tony Snow. Thousands of our most vulnerable are stranded in the New Orleans Superdome after Katrina while the Bush administration looks the other way. - The point with the 2500 number is that Democrats are calling Iraq the new Vietnam, even though 2500 was nothing. And of course, just like the GOP with 9/11, here come the Dems with Katrina. If anyone ever names their baby Katrina, we're sure the Democrats will figure out a way to have the convicted of a hate crime.

In too many places around the globe, the idea of American leadership seems like a contradiction. The Bush administration has turned a blind eye, and has done nothing to change its failed policy in Iraq. A Democratic Senate will stand up to this administration and hold it accountable for its mistakes and failed priorities. - Sounds good. How will you do this, John? Oh, I have to PAY to find out.

Thirty-seven million of our own people are living in poverty and despair - George Bush's response is bloated deals for government contractors in Iraq and giveaways to the oil and gas industry. Just last week, the Republicans in the Senate blocked Senator Kennedy's attempt to raise the minimum wage - which has not been increased in almost ten years. - Says the "son of a mill worker" who is worth hundreds of millions of off real estate deals in which he uses this tax cuts. And Kennedy's minimum wage proposal also included no government help for small businesses when raising the wage multiple times over the coming years. That's why that wasn't supported.

The final thought is that this email might have actually been written by Senator Edwards. The first example is that he uses the phrase "callous presidency" when discussing George Bush five goddamn times, showing that whoever did write this note to America really needs a fucking thesaurus. And second, it includes a picture of John Edwards at the top, smiling away with the eyelashes rocketing skyward. No other letter has included a picture. Way to politic like you do, John!


DSCC

Lance Armstrong Laughing as Multiple Old Nemeses Banned from Tour De France
Topic: Sports

After crushing the competition at the Tour de France and setting multiple records including longest winning streak, Lance Armstrong can now get away from allegations that he was doping, even though no proof was ever offered to support this. But what of the future performers such as Ivan Basso and Jan Ulrich, who were always one short step behind Armstrong?

Yeah, their banned now for doping.

Both have been barred from participating in this year's event for being caught blood doping by French officials, which comes as a sweet irony for American Armstrong, who has been fighting this since returning from debilitating cancer and winning seven times in a row. Seven other riders have also been implicated in what is called "team doping." There hasn't been any word on further ramifications, but you can be sure that we'll keep you updated, because this is just sweet, sweet justice.


YAHOO! SPORTS

We've Returned, and We'll be Back Tomorrow
Topic: Housekeeping

Our morning excursion ran late, and since we're covered in dust and dried horse crap, we're gonna take a shower, apply aloe to our burned neck, and retreat to the safety and security of our favorite chair to recover and rehydrate. See you guys tomorrow, when we'll have a new DSCC email update (from John Edwards, no less! - ed.) and your normal amount of idiotic Friday news.

We're Gonna Slack Again; A Pre-Late Posting Warning
Topic: Housekeeping

Since we've skipped out on our normal day job and began working strictly on a "whenever they need us to swallow some balloons" basis, we're gonna be out of the office, i.e. off of the couch, until the afternoon, when normal posting will resume. And by normal, we mean sporadic. Please do not hate us, for we're entertaining you at work, while we can't be shaken from our Xbox, okay? Fight Night, Round 2 ain't gonna beat itself, people.

Insurgents Bargaining with US/Iraq Forces!?!?!?!
Topic: World News

An unbelievable development occurred today in the Middle East, as eleven Iraqi insurgent groups offered to stop attacking coalition forces if the United States agreed to a two year pullout from the region.

No. Shit.

While these are definitely not the most powerful insurgent groups in Iraq, they have clout, especially since when combined, they would take away all control from the more powerful Islamic Army in
Iraq, Muhammad Army and the Mujahedeen Shura Council (which controls al Qaida in Iraq - ed.)

So after the chemical weapons announcement and now possibly this, it might shape up to be a good week for the Bush administration, if only no one will bring up that other country that begins with Ira.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Security Guard Shoots Hotel Guest in Face Over Who was the Better Soldier; Guess we Know Now
Topic: Stupidity

A New Orleans security guard who was upset with one of his hotel's guests for suggesting that he had a better military service record than said guard became so incensed that he drew his 40 Smith & Wesson handgun and fired one shot into the man's face.

Of course, a fistfight and shoving match preceded the shooting, but still, we're willing to bet that the hotel guest was drunk and a combat veteran, while the security guard was some sort of cook or potato peeler who happened to do overseas duty. Didn't you ever see Under Siege? Military cooks are like Navy Seals.

Oh, by the way, the guard was arrested and the hotel guest is in critical condition in the hospital.


WWLTV.com

Dan Rather not a Katie Couric Fan; We Knew he was Smart
Topic: Media

Here's a nice little short story from recently unemployed anchor Dan Rather, who was ousted after his unverified Bush National Guard Memo story and has since been replaced with Katie Couric, the Queen of Perk. In a recent interview with the Washington Post, Rather was asked numerous questions about Memogate, CBS News and finally, Ms. Couric. Here's the transcript:

I asked him if Katie Couric could do as good a job.

He said, "CBS thinks she will."

"The question was: Do you think she could?"

Dan said, "In time, I think she will. It took her 15 years to make the 'Today' show a hit. I'm sure it will take her longer than that to beat Charlie Gibson and Brian Williams."

Rather then decided to toot his own horn and call himself "one of the great ones." That's the Texas pride we were looking for.


WASHINGTON POST

Snakes Change Color to Kill You More Easily
Topic: Weird Shit

Borneo is perhaps one of the most highly inhabited places on the planet for rare, new and interesting species, including the giant Anacondas from Anacondas: Hunt for the Blood Orchid, which appear to have traveled from South America, their native land, across the Pacific Ocean and then up into Borneo just to mate (they're like salmon! - ed.).

And speaking of Borneo, snakes and shit that we have trouble believing in, scientists have found a new species of poisonous snake that can change color easily, making it even more simple for them to bite you while you're using a latrine.

"I put the reddish-brown snake in a dark bucket," said Mark Auliya, a reptile expert and a consultant for the group. "When I retrieved it a few minutes later, it was almost entirely white."

So now let's take a look at what animals can kill you even more easily lately: the Polar Grizzly Bear, the Borneo Chameleon Snake, the Florida Alligators, and the rare Heavily Armed North American Hedgehog.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Late Posting Only!
Topic: Housekeeping

Sorry to do this folks, but we have an appointment today that's going to halt us from posting until later on this afternoon. It's nothing serious, but the growth has tripled in size. Did we say growth? We meant boil.

Idiot Cop Fired for Flashing Starbucks Barista his Penis
Topic: Stupidity

A Spokane, Washington, veteran police officer has been fired for flashing his penis to a 23-year-old barista (self-imposed fancy name for coffee server - ed.) because he thought she was attracted to him. Since being fired, insult was added to this stupidity as he was charged with indecent exposure. The officer has since apologized, yet other officers are still shocked that he had actually done such a thing.

"If you would have told me to guess a name Joe Mastel would never be the name I would have guessed," said Spokane County Sheriff Ozzie Knezovich.

Officer Mastel was quoted as saying that he was trying to build a relationship with the young woman. We might not know much about broads (proven once again), but we do know that they usually don't respond well to you showing them your wang in public. Unless you're drunk and on a boat somewhere. Because then, man anything goes.


SPLOID

Who Isn't Pissed at The New York Times?
Topic: Media

Last week, The New York Times decided it would print a story regarding the United States using a Belgium-based organization to look for possible terrorist messages in international funds transfers. The organization, SWIFT, Society for Worldwide Interbank Financial Telecommunication, has worked with the Bush administration to locate possible terrorist activity and halt it. However, the NYT figured this was a bunch of crap and violation of privacy and decided to run the article, which crippled, and possibly killed the program.

Now people in the government and media are PISSED. Since the organization does not look at private accounts, ATM transactions or personal banking transactions and only at international funds transfers, its advocates are claiming that the NYT's choice to run the story because it was "of interest" did significant harm in stopping possible terrorist funding.

Now politicians like NY Rep. Peter King have come out against the Times, as well as have numerous other publications, lawmakers and people across the country.

"We're at war, and for the Times to release information about secret operations and methods is treasonous," King told The Associated Press.

And the Editors of the National Review aren't too happy either, and have decided it's time to pull the NYT's press credentials. Bush spokesman Tony Snow had this to say:

"The NEW YORK TIMES and other news organizations ought to think long and hard about whether a public's right to know in some cases might override somebody's right to live."

So now there's a press war going on. After the Rove leaks and everything else that's happened at The New York Times, their credibility with anyone that isn't a far left winger is getting a little shaky. While we don't particularly care of the Times (too many words, not enough pictures of puppies - ed.), we think it would be wrong to pull their charter. However, they should think about other things besides creating outrage. After all, we're all people in this country, right?


BREITBART

THE NATIONAL REVIEW

Viagra Maker to Sell to New Company; Your Baby's
Topic: National News

American pharmaceutical firm Pfizer, makers of such wonder drugs as Viagra and probably a bunch of others, has announced that they're joining your baby's favorite company, Johnson & Johnson, to create possibly the creepiest drug and medical manufacturing firm in the world. The $16.6 billion deal will give Pfizer a whopping $13.5 billion in profits, all of which will be spent on literal ten-foot-tall solid gold penises for all executives at the company.

"These are extraordinary assets that will bring sustainable long-term value to the shareholders of Johnson & Johnson," Johnson & Johnson Chairman and Chief Executive William C. Weldon said. "We felt these were very important to us and we should make sure we bring them in."


Jesus Christ, is it just us, or does anything that anybody says about the company that makes Viagra just sound creepy?


AP

Got Multiple Older Brothers? Congrats Homo...
Topic: Weird Shit

A Canadian study has just come to the conclusion that the more older brothers a man has, the more likely he is to be a homosexual, proving that your brothers being dicks doesn't just make you a criminal anymore.

After years of tests on 944 subjects, the overall homosexual population (in Canada, nonetheless - ed.) is about 3 percent of those tested. Of those with multiple older siblings, and especially brothers, this increases to 5 percent. To further lead credence to the results, the study also found that men who had several adopted or half-brothers did not have this same increase.

So the question that remains is whether this is due to an overuse to straight male semen or if your mother teaching your youngest brother how to make a quiche at the age of six and buying him pretty new clothes with sequins for his birthday turned him this way. Whichever it is, go easy on him... he's sensitive.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

German Hookers Pissed at Lack of World Cup Business
Topic: Entertainment

When the 2006 World Cup rolled into Germany, the sex workers were primed. Vaginas were clean enough to, gulp, eat off of and everything except the head was waxed. But now, the hookers, strippers and dominatrices are pissed, because World Cup fans have driven off the regulars and stayed away themselves, choosing to celebrate or mope in public, rather than in houses of ill repute.

"The pent-up sexual demand of horny fans from around the world which has been widely anticipated has not materialized at all," said Karolina Leppert, president of Germany's association for sexual service providers BSD. "Business is pretty dead, even the regulars stay away because of all the crowds and the hype."

Man, when the President of your nation's Hooker Association is saying it's bad, you know it's a rough time. Good thing Leppert is a dominatrix, but her next john better be prepared to sleep on his stomach for a while, because his back and ass are gonna be messed up.


REUTERS

The Damn Weekly DSCC Email; Obama Been Beggin'
Topic: Politics

Our weekly DSCC email arrived just as it does every Friday morning, but this time we were a bit more subdued, seeing that Senator Barack Obama was the "author" of the email (this only means that someone wrote it and then put his name to it - ed.), and since we enjoyed his last note, we were sure this would be the same.

Not so much. He gets a little paranoid and blame crazy, even going so far as to link HMOs to Saudi oil. Just check it out for yourself.

We don't have to settle for a Republican agenda that tells us we can find the money to give Paris Hilton more tax cuts, but we can't find enough to protect our ports or our railroads or our chemical plants or our borders. - He says Paris Hilton and the kids laugh because they know this skank. And Obama also tried to reject Bush's border plan. Just saying.

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. once said that "The moral arc of the universe is long, but it bends toward justice." - We understand that MLK was a great man, but why must every black politician quote him? How about quoting another famous black leader? Or just a leader in general? Just as long as it's not Al Sharpton, cause we hate that guy.

When Democrats retake the Senate, we will show that we don't have to settle for the Republican agenda of fear and division anymore. - Right! Instead we can settle for the Democratic agenda of blaming someone else and racism. Sweet!

The point of this email was once again a fundraiser. We've come to expect this, however, so we don't care. But what we find interesting is that none of these people who email us have anything to say as a solution. Never. All they do is complain about the GOP and say we'll make it better. Before the November, we'd like to hear how they're planning on doing this.


DSCC

Has U.S. Finally Found WMDs in Iraq?
Topic: World News

A statement from noted jackass Rick Santorum today has been picked up across the nation, as the Senator claims that U.S. troops have found over 500 WMDs in chemical weapon form since 2003 spread throughout Iraq. True or not?

Santorum said: "Since 2003, coalition forces have recovered approximately 500 weapons munitions which contain degraded mustard or sarin nerve agent. Despite many efforts to locate and destroy Iraq's pre-Gulf War chemical munitions, filled and unfilled pre-Gulf War chemical munitions are assessed to still exist."

So there we have it. Nerve gas and mustard gas. Will this calm naysayers, or will Michael Moore re-edit the report and change "gas" to "puppies?" I guess we'll see.


FOX NEWS

Dirt Prison Guards Killed in Shootout with FBI!
Topic: National News

Six Florida prison guards who were set to be arrested for trading drugs for sex with female inmates answered the FBI's call for their surrender with a hail of bullets. When the firefight was over, three of the guards had been shot and two of them killed.

The guards had been working an elaborate scheme involving listening in to inmates' private phone calls to monitor potential criminal activity and contraband exchange and blackmail them for sex and money. This plan involved using other inmates as lookouts so they dirty guards could have sex with their cellmates without anybody bothering them.

This just proves that sometimes the best job reference to have to be a law enforcement officer is a criminal background. One FBI agent was wounded in the exchange, and no inmates were injured. Too bad.


CNN