Boca Bimbos Can Now Have a $100 Burger
Topic: Stupidity

When we first heard of the $1000 martini, we weren't really surprised. There are enough ultra premium alcohols in the world that this is possible. And since every cocktail comes with a ruby in it, this made sense.

However, a Boca Raton private restaurant decided to include a burger on their menu for the first time, and to go nuts with it. Featuring American prime beef, Japanese Kobe beef and Argentinian cattle, the burger is priced at $100. And all you get for garnishing is rare mushrooms and tomatoes.

You'd think for a hundred bucks you'd at least get an emerald on the side.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Mavericks Lose, Our Depression Stands Firm
Topic: Sports

Forgive us in our morning of non-posting, but after a heartbreaking Maverick's loss in the NBA Finals to a superb Miami Heat team, we needed some extra time to recover. Plus, we were up late talking trash on the Internet and watching reruns of Entourage.

We'll have some news for you shortly.

Mavericks Need Your Help Tonight!
Topic: Sports

The NBA finals come back to Dallas, after a controversial series in Miami which saw multiple phantom calls, rough Miami play, a Jerry Stackhouse undeserved suspension and some of the worst officiating of the post season. The Heat lead the Mavericks 3-2, even though two of the three last games ended with Dallas losing by a total of three points while playing like dreck, meaning that the Heat will have a tough time in the Mavs house tonight and then on Thursday after the Mavericks victory tonight.

So watch, because this is going to be a great game! GO MAVERICKS!


ESPN

Sweden Pulls Out MASSIVE World Cup Tie
Topic: Sports

We've been waiting to watch the England vs. Sweden World Cup soccer match since this morning when we realized it was coming on at 2:00 today. To update, England was leading 2-1 in the 90th minute of the game. For those of you that aren't sure what that means, it means there was less than a minute to play.

And Sweden humped in a desperation attempt to tie it with 40 seconds left. Three minutes of penalty play finished it up tied, and Sweden and England both advanced to the second round of play, with England coming thisclose to pulling an upset on the Swedes. Damn exciting match.

Americans Hate Hillary Clinton
Topic: Politics

Hillary Clinton's possible 2008 Presidential run just took a shot to the balls today as a recent CNN poll showed 47 percent of all respondents said they would "definitely not vote for her" if she were to win the Democratic nomination. The same number said they would definitely not vote for John Kerry either, who has desperately been trying to keep his name in the papers.

The GOP front runners are faring slightly better, with 30 percent saying they would definitely not vote for Rudy Giuliani and 34 percent saying the same for McCain.

So now the question is who will get the nomination from both parties. While the Republican candidates might number fewer, only McCain is seen as a real candidate. The Democrats however, seem to have been picking random people from the street to throw in to the ring, as there are something like 8,293,389 candidates for the spot.

Oh boy, only a year to wait to see who gets the nomination. We can barely wait (and sarcasm is a second language to us - ed.).


CNN

Chinese Woman Stabs Husband for not Cooking
Topic: World News

A 25-year-old wife in China killed her husband after he refused to cook her dinner. The woman had been practicing swordsmanship for the past three years and had apparently been known to threaten him with death by ginsu if he didn't do as she wanted.

This time she wanted a home cooked meal, and instead of backing down like a spineless weasel, her husband decided to stand up and use his balls. Unfortunately for him, the woman put the sword to his chest and stuck him like a pig.

Once again, this proves why women should only be allowed to use a spoon.


REUTERS via YAHOO! NEWS

Rather Out at CBS!
Topic: Media

CBS News President Sean McManus announced today that after 44 years broadcasting for his network, Dan Rather is indeed leaving, meaning that we get another "Remembering Rather" special that will make light of all the great things the Whistler did during his career.

"There will always be a part of Dan Rather at CBS News," said McManus. "He is truly a `reporter's reporter,' and he has helped to train several generations of broadcast journalists. His legacy cannot be replicated."

Since being removed from his anchor's position last year after the disastrous Bush National Guard Memo report, during which Rather admitted he had never even seen the document in question, the Dan has only filed a handful of reports for CBS Evening News and 60 Minutes, and has been complaining about it the whole way.

Current speculation brings Rather to the HD Network, where he will undoubtedly report fluffy newsstuff about people that most Americans have never heard of. Not exactly the legacy one would expect from the man who taught our country phrases such as "hotter than two rats going at it in a wool sock."


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Stupid Girl, Mom Sue Myspace for Own Stupidity
Topic: Technology

We have just recently found a story that has pulled us out of hibernation (beer drinking - ed.) to post about the stupidity. And it occurs in Texas, so it's of double importance.

An Austin teenager and her mother are suing Myspace.com, the insanely popular networking Web site, for, wait for it... $30 million, because she began talking to and then met a 19-year-old who sexually assaulted her. The suit states that Myspace does not give enough security for underage users. Our opinion on why this is absolutely the most retarded lawsuit in YEARS is following.

This is tragic. She's only 14 and was sexually assaulted. BUT... she agreed to meet with the man, and not only that, but agreed to get in his car when he, cough, PICKED HER UP FROM SCHOOL and then, double cough, TOOK HER OUT TO EAT, before taking her to his apartment complex and engaging in some sexual activity. While this pedo deserves to burn in a special place in Hell reserved normally for Satan's turds, the girl's mother should sue herself for not instructing her daughter in certain things she should not do, including meeting strangers from the Internet alone without any protection.

Lauren Gelman, associate director of the Center for Internet and Society at Stanford Law School, has perhaps the best comment we could find without going into as many smutty details as we have.

"If you interact on MySpace, you are safe, but if a 13-year-old or 14-year-old goes out in person and meets someone she doesn't know, that is always an unsafe endeavor," Gelman said. "We need to teach our kids to be wary of strangers."

This is dumb shit that deserves to be thrown out of court if only for the reason that the mother deserves the blame for this, not a Web site. Personally, we think AOL Instant Messenger is more dangerous. And a bigger time waster.


AUSTIN AMERICAN-STATESMAN

World Cup Soccer Fan? You're Gonna Have a Coronary
Topic: Sports

FIFA is one of the oddest sports governing bodies in recent memory. Besides messing with the design of the classic soccer ball and creating a scoring system that would take a physicist years to figure out, they're sanctioning research studies on fans from around the world. The reason? To see which ones will die from the excitement.

Officials at the stadiums in Germany are taking blood samples from anyone who passes out during the matches to see if they've had heart attacks. This study has apparently been in hiding for a while, since details released today showed that heart attacks increased by 25 percent during the 1998 World Cup, while 2002 saw a hike of 60 percent in Swiss fans, even though Switzerland didn't have a team competing.

Does this mean soccer fans are more prone to dying because of their passion? In our opinion, no more than Dallas Cowboys fans. Then again, most Cowboys fans weigh over 250 pounds, so that really doesn't count.


REUTERS via YAHOO! NEWS

Hooray! More Politicians Love (Want Money From) Us!
Topic: Texas Politics

After months of complaining that we've only been receiving emails from the DSCC, current Texas Governor Rick Perry came through, sending us an email message begging for support, probably because he's realizing that people finally know he's a total boob. But also because he's losing ground to the Jewish cowboy that is Kinky Friedman. So what's in the email? Let's take a look:

Hmm, everything that Bush campaigned on for the 2004 Presidential election: tax reform, securing the border and tort reform. Now many of you are asking, what's Perry's plan to unfuck what he already dicked? That, my friends, is privileged information and you must pay to play, with a minimum of $25. However, Governor Perry is taking a page from the Bush playbook and offering to cut 33% off of home owners property taxes. Not bad, but pretty shaky to set a campaign on that.

The funniest sentence, however, is this one:

Recently, Governor Perry also announced that Texas would utilize technology to further help protect our border by placing cameras on private land in strategic areas that would allow law enforcement an additional set of tools in securing our border.

Of course! That's the reason our borders are so insecure. There aren't enough grainy cameras stuck remotely on random fence posts across our southern border. Sometimes we get really depressed with our state's political, umm... state.

The Damn Weekly DSCC Email; Senate Committee for Congress?
Topic: Politics

Today's molasses slow news day was broken up with an email from one of our country's premier WAPCEs (women are pure concentrated evil - ed.), Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi. Pelosi has long been a harborer of insanity, a black hole for all things ludicrous. We bet she's best friend with Barbara Boxer.

But today she's taken over the DSCC's email system for use by Congress, and not the Senate. What was her purpose? To tell us that she'll be signing us up for the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee. Great...

In short, Miss Pelosi is looking to kill all Republicans, which she says at the very beginning by saying "No Republican is safe in 2006." We think hunting humans is wrong, but if you're going to have to hunt something with two legs and the ability to fight back, it might as well be people who walk a party line.

What is most interesting about this email is that it's not a call for money. In fact, it's only a call to join the DCCC in killing Republicans, something that we can get behind. No word yet on anything from the GOP. We find it interesting that after attempting to get on their email list, we've received nothing. Geez, guess they don't want people to think they're annoying or something.


DSCC

We Missed Our Own Birthday!
Topic: Housekeeping

In our rush to find other things to do rather than troll the Interweb on a daily basis to find news that interested us, we forgot that June 8, 2006, marked our two year birthday. Over 1,600 posts and we've only been shut down once, and only for a week before our jars of tears that we sent to our host finally were received and pity was granted, restoring us to our glory.

Since starting two years ago, we've amassed a large amount of support and readers, and would like to thank every one of you, especially during our server switches and transition from political site to full fledged retarded news bureau. Thanks to your patronage, we're currently reaching over 100,000 of you a month, making us a full blown success.

So thank you all, and happy belated birthday to us!

Bill Gates Leaving Daily Duties at Microsoft; Everyone Else Rejoices
Topic: Technology

Microsoft Chairman and founder Bill Gates has announced he's leaving the company's daily duties to someone else as he'll focus more on their charitable side, still trying to prove that the big ass gorilla in the corner won't lick you limb from limb and only wants to feed your starving children.

"This was a hard decision for me," said Gates, who founded the world's largest software company with childhood friend Paul Allen. "I'm very lucky to have two passions that I feel are so important and so challenging. As I prepare for this change, I firmly believe the road ahead for Microsoft is as bright as ever."

No word on whether or not any of Microsoft's competitors have Guys Gone Wild picks of Gates at South Beach, but we're guessing yes.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Shaq's Back, Funnier Than Ever
Topic: Sports

Even though we at Heart of Darko are huge Dallas Mavericks fans, we like the Miami Heat and love listening to Shaq speak. The man is one of the funniest people ever to be interviewed at anytime. This is thanks to his great sense of humor and background as a terrible rapper and actor. His comments today were some of the funniest that we've ever heard from him, and we'd like to share. So how does Shaq take criticism that he's over the hill and can't get it done in the NBA finals?

"You know, nothing that a person writes is not going to, you know, make me cry or go drink rat poison or nothing."

"I can't read anyway. so it doesn't matter what you write."

This guy is a great. Kudos Shaq. You're back.


FOX SPORTS

Bears Attempting to be More Homer Simpson-like
Topic: Weird Shit

The good folks over at Sploid have discovered a video proving that bears have finally taken one of the last steps to becoming American cartoon icon Homer Simpson. After decades of stealing picnic baskets and drinking open bottles of beer, a video has appeared of a bear taking a nap in a hammock, rocking itself ever so gently.

"I looked out the window and thought somebody was on my hammock, a person," said homeowner Susan Kehoe.

And just like any good human, after a short five minute nap, the bear awoke and promptly fell out of the hammock. We're in lurve, because that's the coolest bear ever, man-eating tendencies or not.


SPLOID

German Octegenarian Tries to Gum Way out of Arrest
Topic: World News

A German shoplifter well into the waning years of AARP membership attempted to escape from police after being caught shoplifting by biting his way out of their clutches. The only problem? He didn't have his teeth in, so he only gummed an officer pretty horrendously.

"It looks like he forgot to put his teeth in ... One of our police officers got bitten several times, but the man didn't leave anything but a wet patch," a police spokesman said.

Perhaps he was stealing Fixodent, because then he wouldn't have to worry about losing his chompers. And all he had to pay was originally a fine. Now he's going to be charged with inappropriately sucking on a police officer.

We're Out of Corn!
Topic: Housekeeping

During a three day trip through Texas, Oklahoma, Kansas and Nebraska, we saw enough corn, wheat, Indian casinos and semi-retarded drivers to last us at least for another five years.

So we've returned to our home, where we will once again commence in giving you the dumbest/most interesting news we can come up with. It's good to be home!

Nebraska Ho!
Topic: Housekeeping

We're preparing for a long drive up to Nebraska and back, which will take us the better part of three days, so there will be a break in posting during this time, mostly because corn can't be made into computers yet. A renewable fuel source, sure, but not a computer.

Peace out.

The Never-Ending Duke Lacrosse Team Scandal! Second Dancer Smacks Down Accuser
Topic: National News

The Duke lacrosse team rape scandal gets odder by the day. First, the captain of the team comes out and blasts the stripper. Then, the team is reinstated. Now, reports are surfacing that the second dancer at the party has called the accusations by the "victim" a "crock."

"She heard that (the accuser) was sexually assaulted, which she stated is a 'crock' and she stated that she was with her the whole time until she left," according to investigator Benjamin Himan's notes. "The only time she was alone was when she would not leave and that time period was less than five minutes."

This is also after reports came out that the other dancer, Kim Roberts, said her partner never even mentioned the rape after they left the house and she dropped her off at a grocery store. Other evidence, such as DNA, has been lacking and the victim has a history of doing retarded things, like stealing police cars and being a habitual drug user.

Also, a nurse has come out saying that the accuser had no signs of the strangulation, beating and sexual assault that she told the police, and that her legs, torso, abdomen, arms and necks were unmarked, which does not corroborate her story.

We love this story. It's by far the most entertaining college sports development in years, especially since it's perhaps the most outrageous thing we've read about in months. We'll keep you posted.


THE NEWS & OBSERVER

German Man Chokes Woman to Death with Sausage
Topic: Weird Shit

A man in Germany is in some pretty big trouble after he lied to police about how a woman in his apartment died. Originally, he claimed that she choked to death while eating a sausage, but the problem is that if this were true, then she would be eating a whole fucking sausage, because that's what was rammed down her throat.

Police now believe that the man "administered" a Bockwurst sausage to her with the full intent on killing her. He will probably be sent to maximum security prison, where he will be "administered" the sausage for a while by a large man named Hans.


REUTERS