We've Returned, and We'll be Back Tomorrow
Topic: Housekeeping

Our morning excursion ran late, and since we're covered in dust and dried horse crap, we're gonna take a shower, apply aloe to our burned neck, and retreat to the safety and security of our favorite chair to recover and rehydrate. See you guys tomorrow, when we'll have a new DSCC email update (from John Edwards, no less! - ed.) and your normal amount of idiotic Friday news.

We're Gonna Slack Again; A Pre-Late Posting Warning
Topic: Housekeeping

Since we've skipped out on our normal day job and began working strictly on a "whenever they need us to swallow some balloons" basis, we're gonna be out of the office, i.e. off of the couch, until the afternoon, when normal posting will resume. And by normal, we mean sporadic. Please do not hate us, for we're entertaining you at work, while we can't be shaken from our Xbox, okay? Fight Night, Round 2 ain't gonna beat itself, people.

Insurgents Bargaining with US/Iraq Forces!?!?!?!
Topic: World News

An unbelievable development occurred today in the Middle East, as eleven Iraqi insurgent groups offered to stop attacking coalition forces if the United States agreed to a two year pullout from the region.

No. Shit.

While these are definitely not the most powerful insurgent groups in Iraq, they have clout, especially since when combined, they would take away all control from the more powerful Islamic Army in
Iraq, Muhammad Army and the Mujahedeen Shura Council (which controls al Qaida in Iraq - ed.)

So after the chemical weapons announcement and now possibly this, it might shape up to be a good week for the Bush administration, if only no one will bring up that other country that begins with Ira.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Security Guard Shoots Hotel Guest in Face Over Who was the Better Soldier; Guess we Know Now
Topic: Stupidity

A New Orleans security guard who was upset with one of his hotel's guests for suggesting that he had a better military service record than said guard became so incensed that he drew his 40 Smith & Wesson handgun and fired one shot into the man's face.

Of course, a fistfight and shoving match preceded the shooting, but still, we're willing to bet that the hotel guest was drunk and a combat veteran, while the security guard was some sort of cook or potato peeler who happened to do overseas duty. Didn't you ever see Under Siege? Military cooks are like Navy Seals.

Oh, by the way, the guard was arrested and the hotel guest is in critical condition in the hospital.


WWLTV.com

Dan Rather not a Katie Couric Fan; We Knew he was Smart
Topic: Media

Here's a nice little short story from recently unemployed anchor Dan Rather, who was ousted after his unverified Bush National Guard Memo story and has since been replaced with Katie Couric, the Queen of Perk. In a recent interview with the Washington Post, Rather was asked numerous questions about Memogate, CBS News and finally, Ms. Couric. Here's the transcript:

I asked him if Katie Couric could do as good a job.

He said, "CBS thinks she will."

"The question was: Do you think she could?"

Dan said, "In time, I think she will. It took her 15 years to make the 'Today' show a hit. I'm sure it will take her longer than that to beat Charlie Gibson and Brian Williams."

Rather then decided to toot his own horn and call himself "one of the great ones." That's the Texas pride we were looking for.


WASHINGTON POST

Snakes Change Color to Kill You More Easily
Topic: Weird Shit

Borneo is perhaps one of the most highly inhabited places on the planet for rare, new and interesting species, including the giant Anacondas from Anacondas: Hunt for the Blood Orchid, which appear to have traveled from South America, their native land, across the Pacific Ocean and then up into Borneo just to mate (they're like salmon! - ed.).

And speaking of Borneo, snakes and shit that we have trouble believing in, scientists have found a new species of poisonous snake that can change color easily, making it even more simple for them to bite you while you're using a latrine.

"I put the reddish-brown snake in a dark bucket," said Mark Auliya, a reptile expert and a consultant for the group. "When I retrieved it a few minutes later, it was almost entirely white."

So now let's take a look at what animals can kill you even more easily lately: the Polar Grizzly Bear, the Borneo Chameleon Snake, the Florida Alligators, and the rare Heavily Armed North American Hedgehog.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Late Posting Only!
Topic: Housekeeping

Sorry to do this folks, but we have an appointment today that's going to halt us from posting until later on this afternoon. It's nothing serious, but the growth has tripled in size. Did we say growth? We meant boil.

Idiot Cop Fired for Flashing Starbucks Barista his Penis
Topic: Stupidity

A Spokane, Washington, veteran police officer has been fired for flashing his penis to a 23-year-old barista (self-imposed fancy name for coffee server - ed.) because he thought she was attracted to him. Since being fired, insult was added to this stupidity as he was charged with indecent exposure. The officer has since apologized, yet other officers are still shocked that he had actually done such a thing.

"If you would have told me to guess a name Joe Mastel would never be the name I would have guessed," said Spokane County Sheriff Ozzie Knezovich.

Officer Mastel was quoted as saying that he was trying to build a relationship with the young woman. We might not know much about broads (proven once again), but we do know that they usually don't respond well to you showing them your wang in public. Unless you're drunk and on a boat somewhere. Because then, man anything goes.


SPLOID

Who Isn't Pissed at The New York Times?
Topic: Media

Last week, The New York Times decided it would print a story regarding the United States using a Belgium-based organization to look for possible terrorist messages in international funds transfers. The organization, SWIFT, Society for Worldwide Interbank Financial Telecommunication, has worked with the Bush administration to locate possible terrorist activity and halt it. However, the NYT figured this was a bunch of crap and violation of privacy and decided to run the article, which crippled, and possibly killed the program.

Now people in the government and media are PISSED. Since the organization does not look at private accounts, ATM transactions or personal banking transactions and only at international funds transfers, its advocates are claiming that the NYT's choice to run the story because it was "of interest" did significant harm in stopping possible terrorist funding.

Now politicians like NY Rep. Peter King have come out against the Times, as well as have numerous other publications, lawmakers and people across the country.

"We're at war, and for the Times to release information about secret operations and methods is treasonous," King told The Associated Press.

And the Editors of the National Review aren't too happy either, and have decided it's time to pull the NYT's press credentials. Bush spokesman Tony Snow had this to say:

"The NEW YORK TIMES and other news organizations ought to think long and hard about whether a public's right to know in some cases might override somebody's right to live."

So now there's a press war going on. After the Rove leaks and everything else that's happened at The New York Times, their credibility with anyone that isn't a far left winger is getting a little shaky. While we don't particularly care of the Times (too many words, not enough pictures of puppies - ed.), we think it would be wrong to pull their charter. However, they should think about other things besides creating outrage. After all, we're all people in this country, right?


BREITBART

THE NATIONAL REVIEW

Viagra Maker to Sell to New Company; Your Baby's
Topic: National News

American pharmaceutical firm Pfizer, makers of such wonder drugs as Viagra and probably a bunch of others, has announced that they're joining your baby's favorite company, Johnson & Johnson, to create possibly the creepiest drug and medical manufacturing firm in the world. The $16.6 billion deal will give Pfizer a whopping $13.5 billion in profits, all of which will be spent on literal ten-foot-tall solid gold penises for all executives at the company.

"These are extraordinary assets that will bring sustainable long-term value to the shareholders of Johnson & Johnson," Johnson & Johnson Chairman and Chief Executive William C. Weldon said. "We felt these were very important to us and we should make sure we bring them in."


Jesus Christ, is it just us, or does anything that anybody says about the company that makes Viagra just sound creepy?


AP

Got Multiple Older Brothers? Congrats Homo...
Topic: Weird Shit

A Canadian study has just come to the conclusion that the more older brothers a man has, the more likely he is to be a homosexual, proving that your brothers being dicks doesn't just make you a criminal anymore.

After years of tests on 944 subjects, the overall homosexual population (in Canada, nonetheless - ed.) is about 3 percent of those tested. Of those with multiple older siblings, and especially brothers, this increases to 5 percent. To further lead credence to the results, the study also found that men who had several adopted or half-brothers did not have this same increase.

So the question that remains is whether this is due to an overuse to straight male semen or if your mother teaching your youngest brother how to make a quiche at the age of six and buying him pretty new clothes with sequins for his birthday turned him this way. Whichever it is, go easy on him... he's sensitive.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

German Hookers Pissed at Lack of World Cup Business
Topic: Entertainment

When the 2006 World Cup rolled into Germany, the sex workers were primed. Vaginas were clean enough to, gulp, eat off of and everything except the head was waxed. But now, the hookers, strippers and dominatrices are pissed, because World Cup fans have driven off the regulars and stayed away themselves, choosing to celebrate or mope in public, rather than in houses of ill repute.

"The pent-up sexual demand of horny fans from around the world which has been widely anticipated has not materialized at all," said Karolina Leppert, president of Germany's association for sexual service providers BSD. "Business is pretty dead, even the regulars stay away because of all the crowds and the hype."

Man, when the President of your nation's Hooker Association is saying it's bad, you know it's a rough time. Good thing Leppert is a dominatrix, but her next john better be prepared to sleep on his stomach for a while, because his back and ass are gonna be messed up.


REUTERS

The Damn Weekly DSCC Email; Obama Been Beggin'
Topic: Politics

Our weekly DSCC email arrived just as it does every Friday morning, but this time we were a bit more subdued, seeing that Senator Barack Obama was the "author" of the email (this only means that someone wrote it and then put his name to it - ed.), and since we enjoyed his last note, we were sure this would be the same.

Not so much. He gets a little paranoid and blame crazy, even going so far as to link HMOs to Saudi oil. Just check it out for yourself.

We don't have to settle for a Republican agenda that tells us we can find the money to give Paris Hilton more tax cuts, but we can't find enough to protect our ports or our railroads or our chemical plants or our borders. - He says Paris Hilton and the kids laugh because they know this skank. And Obama also tried to reject Bush's border plan. Just saying.

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. once said that "The moral arc of the universe is long, but it bends toward justice." - We understand that MLK was a great man, but why must every black politician quote him? How about quoting another famous black leader? Or just a leader in general? Just as long as it's not Al Sharpton, cause we hate that guy.

When Democrats retake the Senate, we will show that we don't have to settle for the Republican agenda of fear and division anymore. - Right! Instead we can settle for the Democratic agenda of blaming someone else and racism. Sweet!

The point of this email was once again a fundraiser. We've come to expect this, however, so we don't care. But what we find interesting is that none of these people who email us have anything to say as a solution. Never. All they do is complain about the GOP and say we'll make it better. Before the November, we'd like to hear how they're planning on doing this.


DSCC

Has U.S. Finally Found WMDs in Iraq?
Topic: World News

A statement from noted jackass Rick Santorum today has been picked up across the nation, as the Senator claims that U.S. troops have found over 500 WMDs in chemical weapon form since 2003 spread throughout Iraq. True or not?

Santorum said: "Since 2003, coalition forces have recovered approximately 500 weapons munitions which contain degraded mustard or sarin nerve agent. Despite many efforts to locate and destroy Iraq's pre-Gulf War chemical munitions, filled and unfilled pre-Gulf War chemical munitions are assessed to still exist."

So there we have it. Nerve gas and mustard gas. Will this calm naysayers, or will Michael Moore re-edit the report and change "gas" to "puppies?" I guess we'll see.


FOX NEWS

Dirt Prison Guards Killed in Shootout with FBI!
Topic: National News

Six Florida prison guards who were set to be arrested for trading drugs for sex with female inmates answered the FBI's call for their surrender with a hail of bullets. When the firefight was over, three of the guards had been shot and two of them killed.

The guards had been working an elaborate scheme involving listening in to inmates' private phone calls to monitor potential criminal activity and contraband exchange and blackmail them for sex and money. This plan involved using other inmates as lookouts so they dirty guards could have sex with their cellmates without anybody bothering them.

This just proves that sometimes the best job reference to have to be a law enforcement officer is a criminal background. One FBI agent was wounded in the exchange, and no inmates were injured. Too bad.


CNN

Canadian Contractor Costs Chemical Coop 11 Mil
Topic: Stupidity

An electrical contractor working inside a Canadian chemical plant decided to flip a shutdown switch, stopping production for at least two weeks and doing a large amount of damage to the machinery. The company, Nova Chemicals Corp., said in a statement they will lose about $11 million in revenue while repairing the machinery affect adversely when the emergency shutdown switch was turned to the off position.

"The switch is a safety thing so if anyone sees something going wrong they have the opportunity to shut down the plant," said Nova spokesman Greg Wilkinson. "But that's not what happened here. It was not a safety issue. It was simply inadvertent."

There hasn't been word yet on whether or not the contractor who initiated the shutdown lost his job or not, but Wilkinson did say he felt sorry for the guy, since it obviously not intentional. We know someone that got fired for stealing an ink cartridge, so we can imagine an $11 million screw up would probably end your career there.


REUTERS via YAHOO! NEWS

USA Eliminated From World Cup! We Continue to be Heartbroken
Topic: Sports

Tuesday's Mavericks loss to the Miami Heat in the NBA Finals and this morning's 2-1 USA loss to Ghana in the World Cup has only showed us that we should root for the team we don't want to win, as it seems the teams we love seem to not be able to pull it out.

Se la vi, and good look in the next round against Brazil, Ghana. You'll need it.

USA vs. Ghana!
Topic: Sports

Tomorrow (today, actually idiot, it's after 1:00AM - ed. whatever prick) is the USA's last chance to get into the second round of World Cup Soccer with their match against Ghana at 8:55AM CST. We played soccer recreationally in college, and for those of you that haven't been keeping up with our blog in the past couple days, have been watching every match possible.

If USA beats Ghana and Italy beats the Czech Republic, then we move into the second round to get the crap kicked out of us by Brazil. But at least we'd advance. The game is on ESPN2 and you know we'll be there watching, so you should as well. Call in sick, don't show up, whatever you gotta do. This is the big one, and for those that don't quite understand, it only comes along once ever four years, like an election, so you gotta love it.

Boca Bimbos Can Now Have a $100 Burger
Topic: Stupidity

When we first heard of the $1000 martini, we weren't really surprised. There are enough ultra premium alcohols in the world that this is possible. And since every cocktail comes with a ruby in it, this made sense.

However, a Boca Raton private restaurant decided to include a burger on their menu for the first time, and to go nuts with it. Featuring American prime beef, Japanese Kobe beef and Argentinian cattle, the burger is priced at $100. And all you get for garnishing is rare mushrooms and tomatoes.

You'd think for a hundred bucks you'd at least get an emerald on the side.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Mavericks Lose, Our Depression Stands Firm
Topic: Sports

Forgive us in our morning of non-posting, but after a heartbreaking Maverick's loss in the NBA Finals to a superb Miami Heat team, we needed some extra time to recover. Plus, we were up late talking trash on the Internet and watching reruns of Entourage.

We'll have some news for you shortly.