Mexican Immigrants Being Tagged by US Government?
Topic: National News

Government officials are beginning to begin discussing implanting Mexican immigrants with RFID radio trackers that can be traced by border patrol agents and officials in Washington D.C. This basically lowers the standing of human beings to that of a caribou in the wilds of Africa.

This also doesn't bode well for Bush's upcoming "not amnesty" plan, as it just proves that our government stopped trusting immigrants to the USA when the Irish came in and started mobbing up Boston. Way to go US. Write a letter about this to Iran. They'd give you a pen pal high five.


SPLOID

Astronauts Not Left With Time For Golf
Topic: Technology

The two spacemen on the international space station have been denied their chance to go down in record books as having the world's longest golf drive. Too bad for them, it's only work out there in their space walk.

However, all is not lost. The Russian company that was paying for the publicity stunt merely postponed the drive attempt at the request of NASA to help fix a remote camera on the outside of the ship. Supposedly the shot was going to take a half hour, which we can't quite believe. We've played a lot of golf, and taking a half hour for one drive would definitely call for the people stuck behind you to play through.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Tom Petty and the Chili Peppers? Perhaps
Topic: Embarrassment

The Red Hot Chili Peppers have always been a pretty admired band by us. They've kept up their own style and changed it to stay fresh over the decades, which we can respect, even if they do make a lot of those annoying "We Love California" songs.

But their latest smash hit, Dani California, did already sound familiar to us. Now we know why. It appears that it has the same melody, singing structure, and chorus build as Tom Petty's song Mary Jane's Last Dance.

Dammit.

Sample lyrics sync up, and structure of the music is the same, but nothing has been done yet. Even though according to Page Six, Petty is looking at legal ramifications, especially since the Chili Pepper's song has gone to #1, something Tom's song did not. Watch out Peppers!


PAGE SIX

Batwoman's Gay; No Word Yet About Robin
Topic: Entertainment

The Batwoman series of comic books has returned, this time with the character being a 5'10" socialite lesbian. Naturally, issues are selling in NYC like hot cakes.

"We decided to give her a different point of view," explained Dan DiDio, vice president and executive editor at DC. "We wanted to make her a more unique personality than others in the Bat-family. That's one of the reasons we went in this direction."

Yes, well, making her a lesbian is certainly a new direction. Characters from the old comic series with Batwoman are now turning up as lesbians as well, so we're just waiting until the other shoe drops and Robin gets his own book as a drag queen night club owner/creature of the night with a penchant for beating men with colored rubber whips. Sounds like a blast.


AP

Once Again, We're Slow and Lazy
Topic: Housekeeping

Unfortunately, we weren't able to make the trip across the apartment to the computer to look up some stupid stories and send them out over the web for you. Mostly because we weren't anywhere near a computer, and since farmers have yet to figure out how to create one out of oats and concrete mix, we were SOL.

Promise we'll be back tomorrow. Watch the NBA Eastern Conference Finals tonight! Miami could put away Detroit and we'd laugh our sick little asses off.

Katie Couric Leaves Today umm... Tomorrow
Topic: Media

Tomorrow morning sees the departure of Katie Couric from the Today show on NBC to take over the anchoring duties over at CBS Evening News. It's the end of a leggy era, with Couric opening the way for The View's Meredith Viera, who is getting the hell out of that dumping ground of ovarian idiocy.

Couric today said that she didn't expect to get massive ratings jumps or have an instant format change for CBS, so it's going to be an interesting experiment over at the eyeball network. Not like we'll be watching or anything. Or will watch tomorrow morning. We can't stand Katie anyway.

Chinese Newborn Has Three Goddamn Arms!
Topic: Weird Shit

A young male baby born recently in China was born with a completely developed, fully functional third arm! Ahhhhhhhh!

Doctors are looking at surgery to remove the limb, but damn, this baby would be the best worker in the sorting plant where he will inevitably work with 20 million other Chinese toddlers making your next pair of sneakers. Goddamn weird.


WKMG-TV

Secretary of Treasury Out! Goldman Sachs Dude In
Topic: National News

Tuesday morning saw the continuation of Bush's cabinet remix, as Treasury Secretary John Snow resigned his position and President Bush looked to Goldman Sachs CEO Henry Paulson to take the spot, making us think there are some stock options or cash being traded under the table. Or maybe even some incriminating photos or video of Dubya that's being held by GS in a vault somewhere.

Paulson's major political experience includes getting $100,000 for Bush's 2004 re-election campaign, which earned him one of Bush's coveted nicknames, with Paulson now being called "Pioneer," which is much better than Karl "Turd Blossom" Rove's moniker.

But even folks like incredible liberal douche Chuck Schumer gave Paulson his backing and plenty of other Democrats have his back as well, meaning that they probably have thousands of dollars wrapped up in Goldman Sachs. That's gotta be the only reason. Man we love the business world (sarcasm much? - ed.).


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Hooray For Summer!
Topic: Housekeeping

Okay people, get your swimsuit and drunk hats out, because summer is officially here this weekend! And even though we in Texas moved seamlessly from winter to summer, it's finally for real, so now we can finally begin to complain without people labeling us as pussies.

So enjoy yourselves responsibly and be happy to know that you're only one beer away from falling off of a boat and grabbing some drunk college girl's top on the way into the lake. Oh wait, that's our plans for the weekend. Eh.

Whatever you do, be safe, and we'll see you Tuesday!

Gen. Hayden Confirmed as CIA Director
Topic: National News

Air Force General Michael Hayden has been confirmed by the U.S. Senate 78-15 to become the next Director of the CIA, ushering him into the ranks of past directors like J. Edgar Hoover, Porter Goss, and a bunch of other dudes that no one remembers.

Hayden was previously head of the NSA during the period when they tapped millions of American phone calls, something that appears to have disappeared completely off the map now that his confirmation has been approved. Surprisingly, many of the Democrats who supported Hayden agreed he was a capable leader with decades of experience and only the best intentions for the job. Basically, wire taps be damned.

So now that this is done, we'll just sit back and wait for the CIA to make some crucial moves ahead and out of the Cold War era of spying even further, something they have not been entirely prone to do. Either that or just get better and harder to find wire taps. Congratulations Director Hayden, and don't let us down. That's the President's job.


REUTERS via YAHOO! NEWS

China Hates Religious Freedom, Voodoo Hooey
Topic: World News

What do you do when your country's teenagers grab a trend that has religious implications and run with it like the wind? If you're China, you ban it.

The country recently banned the use/sale/possession of voodoo dolls, fearing political implications of the old hooey magic and religion. The government claimed that the dolls, which are purchased mostly in the poorer areas of their countryside, promote feudalism and feudal beliefs through superstition. What drove them to this is the burgeoning market of anti-voodoo doll voodoo dolls, which are sold to ward off possible spells and the chance of having thousands of needles poked into your stomach.

"We have been told we will be fined and even imprisoned if we continue to sell voodoo dolls," says Huang Xiaoli, a saleswoman in a toy store in the Xidan Mingzhu Market. "The police are serious," she adds. "This is not like pirated DVDs, where the authorities say 'Do not sell these,' and then look the other way while people sell them."

So how will the nation of Jamaica react to this? Tough to say. All we know is that we should look at the possibility of finding a China-shaped doll and poking a knitting needle into the heart of where Shanghai would be located at and see if the city doesn't explode. We doubt it, but that would be ironic as hell if it worked.


NEWSWEEK via MSNBC

Apologies All Around!
Topic: Housekeeping

Sorry guys! We've been a little distracted the past couple of days, so the posting has been non-existent. Hopefully we'll get back into it tomorrow, but if not, then everyone be safe on Memorial Day Weekend and don't drink and drive! Take a cab and make him take you to Whataburger, like we did last night. Granted, we had to buy him a burger, but still...

No Posting Today
Topic: Housekeeping

Don't ask why. It just ain't gonna happen.

Houston Police Officer Fired for Threesome at Baseball Field
Topic: Texas News

A 14-year veteran of the Houston Police Department was relieved of duty after being caught pulling off a menage-a-trois with his wife and her best friend during an Astros/Rangers baseball game last week.

While off duty and pulling a little R&R, the officer came to the conclusion that the only thing that could make the Astros winning 5-0 better was to shag both his wife and her friend in a unisex bathroom, where he was caught by a man and his young son, who promptly called stadium police.

So why was he fired? Besides his previous 4 misconduct charges on his record, he was told to speak to Internal Affairs before leaving the ballpark, but decided he wanted to go home and complete the threesome. Guess at least he knows how to get fired.


KHOU.COM

South African Gangs Involved in Daring Daylight Robberies!
Topic: Weird Shit

Much like the Carpet Pisser in The Big Lebowski, violent gangs of thugs are breaking into South African homes and vandalizing homes, shitting on expensive rugs, and generally being unruly. The only difference between these gangs and the Carpet Pisser and his marmot? This gang is made of baboons.

So why don't the residents fight back? Because baboons could rip a human apart in seconds, and there are over 20 in at least one of the gangs, and surprisingly, they're mostly male. So when residents back off from their homes, the primates run amok, eating their food and wiping their asses on the freshly replaced white suede couch.

"I was sitting outside one day, the kids were swimming in the pool, when Eric just flew through the burglar bars and into the house," said Debbie Ellis, who lives in the Imhoff's Gift district. Eric is the alpha male of the local troop.

"It was a bit frightening to see a five-foot-four male baboon standing behind my three-year-old goddaughter."

But now residents are beginning to fight back with guns, dogs and electric fences. That's right Eric; you've just shat on your last fruit bowl.


MSNBC

Qatar Officially Has Too Much Money
Topic: Stupidity

The small country of Qatar is notorious not for being in Latin America, as 80 percent of the world thinks, but for having more money than Jesus. Qatar is the number one provider of natural gas in the world, meaning that every time you turn on your stove, a sheik lights a cigarette with a Chinese orphan, just because they "burn so cleanly."

But today, a Qatari man just proved that his country bought everything, as he purchased the rights to obtain the phone number 666-6666 at auction for $2.75 million American dollars. For a goddamn phone number.

Okay, yes, it was for charity, but it's still a phone number. And besides, who do you think we're going to call now and beg for money? Not our parents or our attorney brother. Nope. This dude. Because he just paid 2.75 million bucks for a phone number. He can afford to send us a 20 spot.


REUTERS via YAHOO! NEWS

Dan Quayle's Nemesis Lloyd Bentsen Passes Away; Quayle Unreachable for Comment, Currently in Class at Sylvan Learning Center
Topic: Texas Politics

Senator Lloyd Bentsen was an old school Democrat of the highest order. Back when they did not complain; they fixed. He passed away this morning at the age of 85 in Houston, Texas.

Bentsen gained a large level of notoriety for sticking it to Dan Quayle during the 1988 Vice-Presidential Debates, when Bentsen (running with Dukakis, which doomed him automatically - ed.) responded to Quayle's comments of having just as much experience as JFK when Kennedy ran for President. Bentsen's retort was freaking famous and awesome at the same time:

"Senator, I served with Jack Kennedy. I knew Jack Kennedy. Jack Kennedy was a friend of mine. Senator, you're no Jack Kennedy."

Ha, nice. We might not have agreed with all of the senator's principles, but his thoughts and opinions on international business, tax law and oil company protection could have saved our country millions of dollars by filling the national surplus when gas was inexpensive, unlike when we're attempting to do it now with the black stuff hitting $71 a barrel. The current Democratic party could stand to take a lesson from Senator Bentsen, because he was an honest American and politician, which was rare back then, but even more scarce now.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Drunk Driver Should be Dead from Alcohol Consumption
Topic: World News

A drunken Lithuanian truck driver was pulled over for driving his rig down the center of a highway Tuesday morning. The truck driver registered such a high amount of alcohol in his blood that the police believed their equipment was malfunctioning.

But it wasn't. The legal limit in Lithuania? 0.4 BAC. The amount in the driver's blood? 7.27. Most people die at 3.5.

The driver was arrested and taken to jail after being checked out by doctors, who were astonished he was still up and moving around and not in ICU. The driver said he had been drinking all night and thought it was a good idea to jump start his system by downing some pints of beer for breakfast before heading out to work in the morning.

This guy is a stud. Granted, he shouldn't have been driving, but a stud nonetheless.


BREITBART

About the NBA Playoffs...
Topic: Sports

Thank god that is finally over and done with. The Dallas Mavericks finally put away the Spurs last night in usual overtime-play fashion. If we had to watch one more game, our goddamn heart would've exploded. So congratulations to both teams. It was a tremendous series that unfortunately came one round too early. But the Mavericks proved they were the better team, and they have won.

We couldn't make it through the Suns/Clippers game, but knew that when we went to bed at 1:00AM and the Suns were up by 18 with something like 4 minutes left to play, there was no way the Clippers were coming back from that. Good game though, and another great seven game series.

Game 1 of the Wester Conference Finals with the Suns traveling to Dallas to see who is more tired and ready to win. It's gonna be hard, especially since in the past, Dallas can't contain the Suns. Who knows. Easter Conference Finals start tonight between the Heat and Pistons. Good luck to the Heat. The Mavericks already know they can beat you.

Oh yeah, and Jack Bauer got kidnapped by the Chinese and taken on a transport ship across the ocean to Shanghai on last night's season finale to 24. Goddamn tricky Chinamen and their damn fake CTU agents. Now we have to wait until January 2007 to see what impossible situations Jack gets himself out of in a foreign country.

Your Conflicting Evening of Entertainment Continues; 24 Season Finale
Topic: Entertainment

Can't wait for five good hours of basketball to start? Ha! Wait up chump. The season finale of the best show on TV, 24, is tonight... starting at 7:00PM CST and going for two hours straight. Two hours of straight up Jack Bauer ass kickery, and you've got thw choice between that and two of the greatest NBA series in recent history.

Uh oh.

Don't have Tivo? Better have two TVs like we do set up side by side so you don't miss a moment of either. Oh God, why must you give us these impossible choises?


TWENTY-FUCKING-FOUR