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Saturday, 25 April 2009
Goodbye Cruel World; The Offical End of The Heart of Darko
Topic: Housekeeping

As any of you who have stopped by here in any recent moment undoubtedly has noticed, The Heart of Darko is closed for business.  Is it permanent, you ask?


This was a wonderful waste of time, and all of the staff enjoyed our little rays of sunshine and trite words. Our accomplishments are so large, only a very patient mother could love them.

In October 2004, two weeks before the presidential election, we enjoyed 140,000 unique visitors in one day, thanks to a tip from a dear reader that led to us breaking an election story no one had latched onto yet.  We were one of Tripod's most popular political news blogs in the second half of 2004 as well, and actually were able to even make a little bit of money from the endeavor.

Following the election, loyal readers saw a change in our direction, moving towards news that had fallen through the cracks.  Animals vs. Humans became a smash hit for us.  We were also thanked by Kinky Friedman's Texas gubernatorial campaign staff in 2006, and were very happy to help Mr. Friedman.  May he run again and win in 2010.

And lastly, as a staff of writers, both amateur and professional, we were equally proud to assist in a boycot and nationwide petition of one James Frey, who deceived not only the nation, but the mighty Oprah Winfrey, with his little "memoir."

So we thank you all for reading continually.  This site will remain active (for free, thanks to the ads above this post) as an archive for all to see.  We would like to think that our writing, passion, and knowledge has grown since the inception of this monstrosity.  We have also attempted to swear less with each continued post, goddammit.

The staff of The Heart of Darko wishes you all the best.  And remember, when life gets you down and things begin to seem too complicated, you could always be cleaning a sewer in Prague.  Made you feel better, didn't we?

All the best,

The editorial staff of The Heart of Darko.

Posted by James at 1:01 AM CDT
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Tuesday, 4 November 2008
We're Calling This Thing! Next Time, Vote Independent...
Topic: Politics

Well, we don't really see a huge, late-night swing about to take place, so we're gonna go ahead and call this thing for Barack Obama.  Reasoning?  We don't care at this moment, and would rather sit down and play Grand Theft Auto IV.

So this is a lesson to you folks.  Not happy?  Don't vote for the lesser of two evils.  Vote independent.  If an independent candidate gets at least 5% of the popular vote, then that party qualifies for public funding.  And we all know what that means.


We're also very proud that in our precinct in Dallas, we were the only person to have broken from the pack of over 800 people and choose not to vote for John McCain or Barack Obama, instead voting for Bob Barr, the Libertarian candidate.  Why would we be proud, you may ask?  Because this just confirms our pompous and arrogant claim that we are, in fact, the smartest person in our neighborhood.

In the immortal words of Edward R. Murrow, "Good night, and good luck."

Posted by James at 9:20 PM CST
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It's Your 2008 Election Night! Drink Up and Get Ready for the Raping!
Topic: Politics

Because we dumped this monstrosity a while back, we haven't been keeping the rare few of you who stop by updated on the latest political news.

And we're not going to tonight, like we did in days of old.  We might, but that depends on whether or not we're folding our laundry or shaking up another dirty martini.

But regardless, we're pumped.  Pumped to see who we get to bend us over more.  Is it going to be the Obama checks, or the McCain tax cuts?  Whew, just got a shiver.  So exciting...

Good luck America!  And tune to CNN to see their funky election "war room," which looks like a Technicolor version of something out of Dr. Strangelove.

Posted by James at 6:00 PM CST
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Saturday, 27 September 2008
Today We Have Lost Paul Newman
Topic: Dead People

As you have now heard, the entire world lost a great person today in the form of Paul Newman.  One of America's greatest screen stars and one of the world's best philanthropists passed away last night after a long battle with lung cancer.

As a tribute, we will be watching The Hustler, The Color of Money, The Sting, Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid, Nobody's Fool, Road to Perdition, and Cool Hand Luke instead of football tomorrow.

God speed to you, Paul Newman.  We hope you whip his ass in an auto race, just once.  Even though we know it'll only be because he let you win.  Thank you for your inspiration, amazing career, and congenial nature.  We will all miss you horribly.

Posted by James at 5:40 PM CDT
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Saturday, 9 August 2008
Bernie Mac Off to Bust a Rock on God's Head
Topic: Dead People

Today, we say goodbye to great comedian Bernie Mac, who passed away last night from complications of pneumonia at the age of 50.  We recognize the greatness of Bernie Mac with our favorite line of his from any movie, the 2005 idiot-fest Transformers.

"Hey Mami!  Oh don't be like that.  If I had a rock I'd bust yo head bitch..."

Godspeed, Bernie Mac.  Godspeed.



Posted by James at 11:32 AM CDT
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Tuesday, 5 August 2008
Florida Man Forgets he was at Subway, not Burger King; Calls 911 to Help Get His Way
Topic: Stupidity

41-year-old jackass Reginald Peterson in Jacksonville, Florida, called 911 from his cell phone after the Subway he was ordering a sandwich from failed to put sauce on his foot-long Spicy Italian.

Staff from the location said that Peterson became irrational and belligerent while waiting for his order, and that they locked him out of the restaruant when he went outside to call 911 for the second time.

The second call was because officers were not responding to his obvious life-threatening situation quickly enough.  After yelling at police, who had no intention of filing any charges against him, Peterson was arrested for making false calls to 911.

This furthers our conclusion that the only good thing that has ever has ever been in Florida was Hurricane Andrew, where it nobally sacrificed itself in a failed attempt to wipe the excrement that is the entire state off the map.



Posted by James at 12:37 AM CDT
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Monday, 28 July 2008
Political Poobah Disenfranchising! We Have Your End of July Poll Results!
Topic: Politics

We decided enough was enough, and we couldn't take it anymore.  So we're back for another smattering of political polls regarding the upcoming Presidential election.  You may ask yourself what took us so long.  It's easy.

The Heart of Darko editorial staff has officially stopped caring.  We don't care about Obama, and we don't care about McCain.  One is an angry codger who has stepped away from his political views to pander to everybody, and the other is an idealist who continues to preach a message of change without telling anybody what those changes would be.

So screw em both.  But we know that everybody is still all about the election, so here's your weekly poll roundup, which has some pretty interesting results:

RASMUSSEN - The robots have spoken!  Rasmussen's phone-using army of mechanical slaves has released that Obama is indeed leading McCain by a whopping three points.  Yes, three.   That's less than the margin of error, so we can toss this one out.


GALLUP - The nation's most trusted polling firm (no idea why, considering how wrong they always are - ed.) has released their findings, and it's Obama 48% to McCain's 40%.  Whew, there's that whopping number we were looking for.  Even with the +/- four point margin of error, Obama still has a skinny lead that he has yet to improve upon in the past few weeks.  Maybe USA Today can clear this hodge-podge up for us.


USA TODAY/GALLUP - Wait, what?  That's right.  Gallup has whored themselves out.  But now they have Obama up by what's that you say?  He's down?  By four points?  McCain is leading him by four points in the USA Today/Gallup poll?  Great.  Now we can never trust anything from Gallup again.


So for the beginning of this week, at least we have a little bit more confusion as our economy tanks and your car begins to eat tiny bits of you as you fill it up with that precious, precious gasoline it craves so much.  Enjoy your week!  Try not to cry in your Cheerios in the morning. 

Posted by James at 8:55 PM CDT
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Friday, 25 July 2008
Wisconsin Takes Away Citizen's Right to Murder Own Lawn Mower
Topic: Weird Shit

Police in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, have decided that you no longer possess the right to shoot your own property.  While drunk.  With an illegal weapon.

Keith Walendowski (hooray, he's Polish! - ed.) was arrested on charges of felony possession of a saw-offed shotgun and misdemeanor disorderly conduct after a woman staying in his house alerted the authorities that a drunk Walendowskiskiskiski brandished a shotgun and sent to hell his non-starting Lawn Boy mower.  With the charges he faces, Walenskiskiskiskiskiski could face up to an $11,000 fine, plus a possible three months in prison.

Walskiskiskiskiskiski's defense?  "I can do that, it's my lawn mower and my yard so I can shoot it if I want."

Damn right!  If you lived in Texas, that is.  But not Wisconsin.

This brings up the valid point of when will people with guns realize that they're better off living in Texas?  Ah, Texas, where you're allowed to shoot whatever it is the hell you want anytime you damn well please.  Just as long as your gun is legal.  Or in your yard at the time you're shooting whatever it is has raised your ire.

Hell, we're about to go blow away a hackberry tree growing behind our house with a .357 magnum just because it blocks the view from our bathroom window to the hot neighbor's bedroom.  We mean, it's screwing up our house's foundation.  Yeah, that's it...



Posted by James at 8:11 PM CDT
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Wednesday, 16 July 2008
Ha ha! Take That Susan Atkins! Murder a Pregnant Woman and Rot in Prison You Dying Bitch!
Topic: Dead People

While we at Heart of Darko do not usually take joy in those who have or are about to pass away, this is a true exception.

Susan Atkins, late of The Manson Family, who was convicted of the murders of Sharon Tate and her unborn child in 1969 during a brutal killing spree which left eight dead, has just been denied a "passionate release" because she currently has three months to live.  We can all thank what doctors call a brain tumor, but what we like to refer to as The Hand of A Karmic God.

Atkins and her attorney had requested the compassionate release in early June 2008, when it was announced that she not only lost a leg due to her illness, but also had no movement in her right side.  While both Governor Ahnuld and the Los Angeles County prosecutor said that it would be wrong to deny her such a release, her husband and attorney (can you say Conflict of Interest? - ed.) claimed that she had paid her dues, despite the fact that she killed an eight-month pregnant mother and her unborn child and then painted throughout the house with her victims' blood.

So, because we have read Helter Skelter and were completely disgusted by the horrific bloodshed that was released on what was the definition of innocent people, we say enjoy your last three months of agony Susan Atkins.  You deserve the pain and suffering that you are currently getting, and we hope that the Devil has a special place in Hell reserved where he can continually give you brain cancer over and over and over again throughout eternity.

Up your ass.   You have earned everything you have reaped, and we are pleased.




P.S. - We apologize to anybody who is possibly reading this and might be upset with our opinion and bad wishes upon a dying woman, but we too have absolutely no compassion.  Even now, people still have a problem owning up to the errors they have made and accepting the consequences for their actions.  Karma's a bitch, ain't it Susan?  Enjoy your disease.

Posted by James at 12:55 AM CDT
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Friday, 15 February 2008
Damn You Writer's Strike! No New 24 until 2009
Topic: Entertainment

After successfully completing and mind-numbing and horrendous day at work, we sat down at our desk in our tiny Hobbit-hole to being the frantic Intertubes search for some good news.  Instead, we started chugging straight from the bottle of bitters that sat next to us as we read this news:



While we, as fellow (amateur) writers, supported the WGA's strike that took down many a decent and even more crap shows over the past few months, the only casuality that we will mourn is the loss of a new season of 24.

Sure, it'll be back in 11 months (eleven.  ELEVEN.  Suck our ass WGA - ed.), but who else can we watch that will reliably kneecap at least two people per hour other than Jack Bauer?  You sure can't get that type of entertainment from The Moment of Truth.   Grrrrrrrrr...



Posted by James at 6:47 PM CST
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Sunday, 3 February 2008
Taze Me Bro! MSNBC Ruins Great Headline With Crap Story
Topic: Media

The mass media has a certain way of drawing our attention in.  While we stopped watching television news years ago (even before Kouric pooped herself onto CBS - ed), we still get all of our news daily from the Internet tubes.  It is, after all, the new mass media.  Instant news with the possibility of enticing opinion columns and splashy headlines.

Which is why we're going to currently bash MSNBC for ruining one of the greatest and most promising headlines with a total turd-pile of a story.

The headline?

Zzzzzap! Taser parties surging in popularity

The story?

"Stun gun social events raise self-defense awareness for women."

WHAT?  Just... WHAT?  We were hoping for a good ol' fashion teenagers huffing paint type story.  Something where kids gather to shock each other with stun guns instead of getting drunk on cheap hooch stolen from their parents' liqour cabinets.

But the rug was pulled out from underneath us instead, and we're left with an insipid page of drivel about how women have replaced Tupperware parties with gatherings to show off their leopard print tazers.

Balderdash!  We haven't been this disappointed in months.  It's akin to meeting some fantastic looking woman at a bar, who shockingly agrees to go home with you.  You begin slipping her form-fitting dress off slowly while delicately kissing her neck, to only have a semi-erect penis pop out from under the fabric to say hello as you approach the Promised Land.

Thanks for face-raping us, MSNBC.  We hate you.




Posted by James at 3:13 PM CST
Updated: Sunday, 3 February 2008 3:23 PM CST
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Friday, 1 February 2008
Old, Blind Golfer Makes Our Game Look So, So Weak. Where Are the Hot Cart Girls? We're Depressed.
Topic: Sports

Back during college, we picked up golf again during the warm Texas summers.  Our long drives had not disappeared, but our short game suffered, and we wound up playing like absolute crap most of the time.  Of course, consuming a beer a hole really made the 18th a bitch to even get near.

But now a 92-year-old blind man in Florida has smashed our golfing confidence to pieces with his recent hole-in-one, a feat he attempted to downplay.  Prick.

Leo Fiyalko nailed a 110-ft par 3 ace at Cove Cay Country Club to become the only blind golfer to ever make a hole in one in the entire country.  Actually, we don't have any proof that this hasn't happened before.  But if it has, we are certain that all blind golfers should be taken out immediately, because next they're gonna want to drive the carts too.

Fear for your children.  Fear for them!



Posted by James at 5:56 PM CST
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Monday, 31 December 2007
Happy 2008 Every Drunk Person!
Topic: Housekeeping

So our girlfriend got us an awesome Christmas gift (it's a decanter that we filled with Jack Daniels... totally kick ass - ed.), and now we're ruining it as quickly as possible.  Our stupid hands can't keep up with our need, nay, necessity to text message our friends and send them horrificly vulgar notes of a happy new year.

So Happy New Year!  It's soon going ot be 2008!  And nothing has changed since about 2003, which really isn't a good note to start the year on.  Granted, there's always a ton of booze to drink, and that makes us all equals.  Or drunks.  We forget.

Be safe tonight, everybody.  We're drinking ourselves into an early grave, hoping that we really, honestly, truly, don't have to wake up at 6:00am and go to work in the morning.  But because God has chosen to crap all over our dreams and aspirations, we do.  So make sure you don't drink and drive, and we're very glad you're with us.


HAPPY 2008! 

Posted by James at 10:31 PM CST
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Friday, 28 December 2007
Cambodian Midget Fight League Takes on Lion in Cage Match; 28 Die Hilariously Tragic, Mutilated Death
Topic: Stupidity

Okay, if any story could bring this site out of semi-retirement, it's this one.  After an angry fan posed to Cambodian Midget Fighting League President Yang Sihamoni that his entire league could be beaten by one lion, President Yang gladly accepted, attempting to prove the fan wrong.

Next up in the dwarf fighters' repertoire?  Death and mutilation.  While thousands of fans (probably all cheering the damn lion - ed.) stood by, cheering loudly for 12 minutes, 28 of the 42 member league met their fate in the cage match, which was co-sponsored by the Cambodian government (seriously, we're moving to Cambodia, because that government knows entertainment).  The other 14 wound up brutally wounded, including mutliple lost limbs.

The funniest part was that the no-holds-bar fight was allowed, as long as the Cambodian government got 50 percent of the sale of each ticket, and that before the fight, President Yang was quoted as saying  his team “… could out-wit and out-muscle [it].”  Uh huh.

And the fate of the lion who was specially shipped from Africa to Cambodia for the fight?  He's back in Africa.  I mean, after devouring the majority of 28 midgets, he's gonna need, like, a really loooooong nap.




UPDATE: We've been had!  Instead of usually pulling our heads out of our collective asses and doing some research (rare, we know), we were so excited about this story that we actually didn't even read any of the Snopes information or anything else.  And now we feel stupid.  But this would be an awesome thing to see.  God how we wish it were true...

Posted by James at 10:39 PM CST
Updated: Saturday, 29 December 2007 11:31 AM CST
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Tuesday, 25 December 2007
Merry Christmas Internet, and Whomever is Still Here!
Topic: World News

We at The Heart of Darko wish you and yours a Merry Christmas!  We promised to be back in more power this year, adn failed miserably at this, so we can only wish you and all of your loved ones a very happy holiday season.

No matter the holiday you celebrate, we are very happy to be here, and are content in where we are.  We have all moved on from here, using the experience and education we learned from this experiment (which will be back) to do something bigger (except our editor - ed.  thanks asshole - James),  and thank you for your attention and the years of loyal reading. We've only been around for three years, and as far as random news sites go, that's a long time.

This year, we hope that you find yourself either a wonderful partner or family that you love or something that you cannot live without (James, that bastard, for a new Mini Cooper S).

So once again, please be safe, and remember that this is a time of peace love.  Be kind to your fellow man, and thanks again.

All of our best - The Heart of Darko Management

Posted by James at 12:25 AM CST
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Sunday, 23 December 2007
Happy Festivus! No Bagel No Bagel No Bagel No Bagel No Bagel No Bagel
Topic: Housekeeping

You thought we forgot.  Happy Festivus everyone!  We once again have up our aluminum pole (no Christmas tree this year... damn cats - ed.), completely undecorated, just as Frank Costanza laid down in the original rules.

We wish all of you a Happy Festivus, Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah, or whatever it is you celebrate.  Unless it's weird or dirty or both weird and dirty.  Then you're just sick.  You hear us you sickos!  SICK!

Posted by James at 9:09 PM CST
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Friday, 30 November 2007
Evel Knievel Finally Crashes to Earth in Heap, Can't Get Up
Topic: Sports

Oh the undisputed irony of watching Ocean's Thirteen at the exact moment when Don Cheadle walks into Pacino's office dressed as an Evel Knievel clone and opening Fox Sports only to read that the greatest daredevil of all time has passed away at the age of 69.

The psychotic lothario who was known for his strange ability to get up after smashing his entire body into anything possible could not beat old age and multiple diseases, including pulmonary fibrosis and diabetes.  But now, the man who inspired a whole slew of imitators, including those in television shows such as The Simpsons and two feature films about his life, cannot get up one last time.

In honor of this great man, we will be ordering his signature shot, the "Red, White & Blue," when we hit the bar later tonight.  We would recommend that you do the same, except for the possibility that drinking amateurs would die a horrific death at the hands of one of the most gawdawful concoctions ever mixed in a shot glass.



Posted by James at 4:59 PM CST
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Thursday, 6 September 2007
Amazing Tenor Pavarotti Passes Away
Topic: Dead People

Okay, so this makes the last two rare updates about people dying, but they have both been important ones.

At 5 a.m. local Italian time today, Luciano Pavarotti passed away at his home after falling into a state of unconciousness.  He had battled cancer for the past year, and put up a galant fight.

While his passing might not mean much to the majority of the music-listening world (because they're idiots - ed.), we are devastated by this news.  Pavarotti is a legend, having sung some of the most beautiful music we have ever had the honor of listening to.

Today will be a day of reflection and mourning for us, with some of his greatest singing blaring from our outrageously loud surround sound system.  And we will be drinking his favorite alcoholic beverage the whole time, which we're pretty sure is just alcohol.

God speed, Luciano.  We miss your wonderful voice already.



Posted by James at 1:51 AM CDT
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Friday, 24 August 2007
Castro Fall Down, Go Boom? For Good?!?
Topic: World News

Is Fidel Castro dead?  Did he suffer a glorious lack of life that was spread evenly troughout his body?  That's the word on the grapevine.  There will supposedly be a press conference soon announcing the Cuban dictator's death.

The upshot?   Nobody even fucking likes him anymore.  Even his supporters will probably be saying things like "Jesus Christ that took too long," and "Can we kill the brother now too?"

So watch your local tickers, and wait for the announcement.  And then celebrate by getting bombed on mojitos while rewatching footage of Castro hitting the floor after his speech, because that will always be hilarious.

Posted by James at 2:46 PM CDT
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Wednesday, 4 July 2007
Joey the Chest Knocks Off Kobayashi in Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest! GO U.S.A.!
Topic: National News

Japanese master eater Kobayashi watched his reign of 5 straight Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest Championships end as Californian Joey Chestnut took down not only his own record, but the Japanese Stomach to emerge as the 2007 winner, as well as the owner of the world record for most hot dogs eaten in 12 minutes.

"If I needed to eat another one right now, I could," Chestnut boasted, probably before falling into a fit of pain caused by the estimated 900 million calories he inhaled.

Kobayashi has been the reigning champion since 2001, when he shocked the world with his powers to suck down meat sticks.  He has lately been suffering from an arthritic jaw (go figure - ed.) and wisdom tooth surgery, but apparently showed no ill signs during the contest, despite people wanting to make a controversy out of this.

But all we have to say is GO U.S.A.!  We're bigger pigs than the rest of the world!



Posted by James at 1:03 PM CDT
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