Ahhhhhh! It's 6-6-06!!!!!
Topic: Stupidity

Run for your lives! The Apocalypse is here! It's 6-6-06 and the crappy remake of The Omen is opening in theaters! Don't listen to insurance agents trying to sell you life insurance in this time of total destruction. What you really need is soul insurance.

Philly Deli Owner Sells to English Speakers Only
Topic: National News

A deli owner in Philadelphia has decided that he really doesn't like his business or life anymore, as he has put up a sign in his mostly Hispanic neighborhood that reads "This is America. When Ordering, Speak English." No word on whether or not he's been stabbed yet or how many bricks have been tossed through his window.

"If you can't tell me what you want, I can't serve you," Joseph Vento complained. "It's up to you. If you can't read, if you can't say the word cheese, how can I communicate with you -- and why should I have to bend? I got a business to run."

But word of warning; while it's an interesting story, Sploid's account goes a little liberally astray, as most of their writing does, and starts making rationalizations attempting to show how ignorant Vento is before attacking him personally for opening *gasp* a cheesesteak place in Philly. Lighten up Sploid. The guy's an American business owner and has been since 1966. We think he's earned the right to make the rules in his establishment.


SPLOID

America Trying to Fake Out Iran by Giving Nuke Technology
Topic: World News

How stupid does the United States government honestly think that Iran is? Part of the incentive package being offered to the country in order to get them to stop enriching uranium is information on our nuclear technology. Yeah. And the EU is behind it, saying that with the data that the USA will give them, there will be no need to enrich uranium, something that Tehran has said has nothing to do with nuclear weapons, even though everybody knows that's a bunch of crap.

And, in order to make is more acceptable to Iran, all possible sanctions were removed from the package if the country did not stop the enrichment process. So basically, we're giving them all of our technology regarding nuclear power and related fields, without a guarantee that they'll even have to stop their march towards nuclear weapons.

Boy are we happy that America finally started to look at things unilaterally...


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Kiev Man Obviously Not Daniel; Gets Killed by Zoo Lions
Topic: World News

A deranged man in Kiev, Ukraine, who decided he would reenact the famous scene from the bible in which Daniel survived in the lion's den didn't get quite so lucky and was mauled to death by a lioness.

The idiot apparently lowered himself by a rope into the lion's enclosed zoo cage and then shouted "God will save me, if he exists!", before being instantly mauled and killed by a lioness.

So after centuries of war, it only took one odd Ukrainian dude to get killed by a lion to prove the non-existence of god. The irony...


REUTERS via YAHOO! NEWS

Mickey Rourke a Bush Fan? It's True
Topic: Entertainment

Tough guy actor Mickey Rourke, lately of Sin City and Domino, has come out to President Bush's side, saying he supports the Pres in his Iraq campaign. The only reason we report this is because we never thought we'd ever say the name Mickey Rourke in a sentence with President Bush.

"George is doing a hell of a job during very difficult times, more power to him. Screw all them people who don't like him."

This makes us wonder if Bush has ever watched 9 1/2 Weeks, which makes us kind of nauseous.


CONTACT MUSIC

Duck Eats Alien
Topic: Weird Shit

Researchers attempting to save a duck's life noticed after an x-ray was taken of the duck that it appeared to have recently eaten an alien, or at least its head.

"Marie looked at it and all she could say was 'unbelievable,'" said Karen Benzel, public affairs director for the rescue center.

As you can see in the photo, the duck appears to have consumed something that looks a lot like the head of an extraterrestrial. However, the duck was unable to be examined further, since it died shortly after coming to the rescue center. We think it died because something that it ain't didn't agree with it, but we can't imagine what that would be.

The x-ray will be sold on eBay to raise funds for the center, proving once again nothing is too weird not to sell online.


YAHOO! NEWS

Idiot Youths Crawl Inside Massive Balloon, Promptly Die
Topic: Stupidity

Two early twenty morons from Florida who were looking for a cheap way to get high climbed inside an 8' helium balloon, passed out and died on Saturday. Police say that they had no chance and the balloon was a latex cocoon of death, as there would've been no way the two jackasses would've had sufficient oxygen to breathe and would have lacked the strength to climb their way out.

"Sure, we've all inhaled [one small breath of] helium from a balloon, but when you do anything in extreme it can always be harmful," concurred Dr. Preeti Jois-Bilowich of Tampa General Hospital.

And even after the tragedy, families are blaming the girl, saying that she talked the boy into doing this dangerous stunt, and that he never would do something like this alone. This just goes to prove once again, ladies and gentlemen, that WAPCE is the truth. Women Are Pure Concentrated Evil.


SPLOID

Ohio University Football Coach Not DUI, Just Roofied Up!?!?!
Topic: Sports

Six months ago, Ohio University head football coach Frank Solich pled no contest to DUI charges after being found slumped over his car's steering wheel with the car still in drive facing the wrong way down a one way street. He was not breathalyzed and was too incoherent to tell officers where he was heading or coming from.

Guess what? He was on GHB, otherwise known as Roofies. A toxicology report taken a month after the affair occurred confirmed he had the date rape drug in his system, and in fact Solich can't recall even touching the substance.

So now, he's fighting his conviction on grounds that there's no evidence he was drunk and that he wasn't mistaken when he thought the 300 pound waitress at the local gin house really did want to take him home no matter what. Fight it Frank, fight it!


SPORTINGNEWS.COM

The Damn Weekly DSCC Email; Anne Likes To Quote Things
Topic: Politics

This week's DSCC email returns to us from the long gone Anne Lewis, someone that we would say we missed, but that would be a lie. Besides making the least sense of everybody who sends us these, Anne also begs for money more and clouds her arguments in stupidity. This email is no different. Here are some choice statements from a woman who has never met a quote or stat she didn't want to bang in your face.

The most recent poll shows that Arizona Democrat Jim Pederson has pulled within 7 points of Republican incumbent Jon Kyl.

This race was hardly on the radar screen when the cycle began, but Pederson has cut Kyl's lead by 22 points, just since January. We are now within striking distance in Arizona. - However, the stat she's using is with the + or - five for margin of error added in where necessary and subtracted when needed to fit in to her point. And even though Kyl's lead is fading, it's because there was a Democratic primary, and he didn't know who he was facing.

Remember that shady Republican advocacy organization - Americans for Job Security - that has poured more than $1.5 million of TV advertising into the campaign? Well, they're back again this week with a brand new ad targeting Bob Casey.

AJS is nothing more than a front group for Rick Santorum's most unsavory friends. They have known ties to Karl Rove, those Swift Boat Veterans, and the pharmaceutical industry. They also seem to have a lot of money that they're willing to spend in support of Santorum's reelection. - Welcome to the land of 527 groups, lady. This is what they do, so just get yours ready and you'll come out fine. Just keep pounding the point that Santorum is a lying weasel and he'll lose.

And that's pretty much it, because then Anne, who apologizes for the amount of optimism she always brings to the emails in the opening paragraph, turns to her money-begging ways, and while we know this is a fund raising organization, she's the most upfront about wanting it.

Sorry Anne, you haven't convinced us yet. Our money's staying right where is belongs; in our wall of DVDs, or as we call them, "entertainment investments."


DSCC

Mexican Immigrants Being Tagged by US Government?
Topic: National News

Government officials are beginning to begin discussing implanting Mexican immigrants with RFID radio trackers that can be traced by border patrol agents and officials in Washington D.C. This basically lowers the standing of human beings to that of a caribou in the wilds of Africa.

This also doesn't bode well for Bush's upcoming "not amnesty" plan, as it just proves that our government stopped trusting immigrants to the USA when the Irish came in and started mobbing up Boston. Way to go US. Write a letter about this to Iran. They'd give you a pen pal high five.


SPLOID

Astronauts Not Left With Time For Golf
Topic: Technology

The two spacemen on the international space station have been denied their chance to go down in record books as having the world's longest golf drive. Too bad for them, it's only work out there in their space walk.

However, all is not lost. The Russian company that was paying for the publicity stunt merely postponed the drive attempt at the request of NASA to help fix a remote camera on the outside of the ship. Supposedly the shot was going to take a half hour, which we can't quite believe. We've played a lot of golf, and taking a half hour for one drive would definitely call for the people stuck behind you to play through.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Tom Petty and the Chili Peppers? Perhaps
Topic: Embarrassment

The Red Hot Chili Peppers have always been a pretty admired band by us. They've kept up their own style and changed it to stay fresh over the decades, which we can respect, even if they do make a lot of those annoying "We Love California" songs.

But their latest smash hit, Dani California, did already sound familiar to us. Now we know why. It appears that it has the same melody, singing structure, and chorus build as Tom Petty's song Mary Jane's Last Dance.

Dammit.

Sample lyrics sync up, and structure of the music is the same, but nothing has been done yet. Even though according to Page Six, Petty is looking at legal ramifications, especially since the Chili Pepper's song has gone to #1, something Tom's song did not. Watch out Peppers!


PAGE SIX

Batwoman's Gay; No Word Yet About Robin
Topic: Entertainment

The Batwoman series of comic books has returned, this time with the character being a 5'10" socialite lesbian. Naturally, issues are selling in NYC like hot cakes.

"We decided to give her a different point of view," explained Dan DiDio, vice president and executive editor at DC. "We wanted to make her a more unique personality than others in the Bat-family. That's one of the reasons we went in this direction."

Yes, well, making her a lesbian is certainly a new direction. Characters from the old comic series with Batwoman are now turning up as lesbians as well, so we're just waiting until the other shoe drops and Robin gets his own book as a drag queen night club owner/creature of the night with a penchant for beating men with colored rubber whips. Sounds like a blast.


AP

Once Again, We're Slow and Lazy
Topic: Housekeeping

Unfortunately, we weren't able to make the trip across the apartment to the computer to look up some stupid stories and send them out over the web for you. Mostly because we weren't anywhere near a computer, and since farmers have yet to figure out how to create one out of oats and concrete mix, we were SOL.

Promise we'll be back tomorrow. Watch the NBA Eastern Conference Finals tonight! Miami could put away Detroit and we'd laugh our sick little asses off.

Katie Couric Leaves Today umm... Tomorrow
Topic: Media

Tomorrow morning sees the departure of Katie Couric from the Today show on NBC to take over the anchoring duties over at CBS Evening News. It's the end of a leggy era, with Couric opening the way for The View's Meredith Viera, who is getting the hell out of that dumping ground of ovarian idiocy.

Couric today said that she didn't expect to get massive ratings jumps or have an instant format change for CBS, so it's going to be an interesting experiment over at the eyeball network. Not like we'll be watching or anything. Or will watch tomorrow morning. We can't stand Katie anyway.

Chinese Newborn Has Three Goddamn Arms!
Topic: Weird Shit

A young male baby born recently in China was born with a completely developed, fully functional third arm! Ahhhhhhhh!

Doctors are looking at surgery to remove the limb, but damn, this baby would be the best worker in the sorting plant where he will inevitably work with 20 million other Chinese toddlers making your next pair of sneakers. Goddamn weird.


WKMG-TV

Secretary of Treasury Out! Goldman Sachs Dude In
Topic: National News

Tuesday morning saw the continuation of Bush's cabinet remix, as Treasury Secretary John Snow resigned his position and President Bush looked to Goldman Sachs CEO Henry Paulson to take the spot, making us think there are some stock options or cash being traded under the table. Or maybe even some incriminating photos or video of Dubya that's being held by GS in a vault somewhere.

Paulson's major political experience includes getting $100,000 for Bush's 2004 re-election campaign, which earned him one of Bush's coveted nicknames, with Paulson now being called "Pioneer," which is much better than Karl "Turd Blossom" Rove's moniker.

But even folks like incredible liberal douche Chuck Schumer gave Paulson his backing and plenty of other Democrats have his back as well, meaning that they probably have thousands of dollars wrapped up in Goldman Sachs. That's gotta be the only reason. Man we love the business world (sarcasm much? - ed.).


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Hooray For Summer!
Topic: Housekeeping

Okay people, get your swimsuit and drunk hats out, because summer is officially here this weekend! And even though we in Texas moved seamlessly from winter to summer, it's finally for real, so now we can finally begin to complain without people labeling us as pussies.

So enjoy yourselves responsibly and be happy to know that you're only one beer away from falling off of a boat and grabbing some drunk college girl's top on the way into the lake. Oh wait, that's our plans for the weekend. Eh.

Whatever you do, be safe, and we'll see you Tuesday!

Gen. Hayden Confirmed as CIA Director
Topic: National News

Air Force General Michael Hayden has been confirmed by the U.S. Senate 78-15 to become the next Director of the CIA, ushering him into the ranks of past directors like J. Edgar Hoover, Porter Goss, and a bunch of other dudes that no one remembers.

Hayden was previously head of the NSA during the period when they tapped millions of American phone calls, something that appears to have disappeared completely off the map now that his confirmation has been approved. Surprisingly, many of the Democrats who supported Hayden agreed he was a capable leader with decades of experience and only the best intentions for the job. Basically, wire taps be damned.

So now that this is done, we'll just sit back and wait for the CIA to make some crucial moves ahead and out of the Cold War era of spying even further, something they have not been entirely prone to do. Either that or just get better and harder to find wire taps. Congratulations Director Hayden, and don't let us down. That's the President's job.


REUTERS via YAHOO! NEWS

China Hates Religious Freedom, Voodoo Hooey
Topic: World News

What do you do when your country's teenagers grab a trend that has religious implications and run with it like the wind? If you're China, you ban it.

The country recently banned the use/sale/possession of voodoo dolls, fearing political implications of the old hooey magic and religion. The government claimed that the dolls, which are purchased mostly in the poorer areas of their countryside, promote feudalism and feudal beliefs through superstition. What drove them to this is the burgeoning market of anti-voodoo doll voodoo dolls, which are sold to ward off possible spells and the chance of having thousands of needles poked into your stomach.

"We have been told we will be fined and even imprisoned if we continue to sell voodoo dolls," says Huang Xiaoli, a saleswoman in a toy store in the Xidan Mingzhu Market. "The police are serious," she adds. "This is not like pirated DVDs, where the authorities say 'Do not sell these,' and then look the other way while people sell them."

So how will the nation of Jamaica react to this? Tough to say. All we know is that we should look at the possibility of finding a China-shaped doll and poking a knitting needle into the heart of where Shanghai would be located at and see if the city doesn't explode. We doubt it, but that would be ironic as hell if it worked.


NEWSWEEK via MSNBC