Topic: World News
French magistrate Philippe Bonnet is currently sleeping off a hardcore bender after attacking two police officers who were called to his home on a disturbance charge. The weapon? A ceremonial Masonic sword.
One of the police officers was barely sliced by the weapon before the other was able to take down the drunken judge with a non-lethal projectile weapon. Bonnet, an appeals court magistrate, is currently on suspension from his position waiting for the findings of an investigative committee, which will undoubtedly find him to be a very confused Mason indeed.
Posted by James
at 3:01 PM CDT
A Monroe, Conn., man is under arrest and awaiting a hearing after accidentally blinding his wife while flinging a carrot at her during an argument at the dinner table. We have unconfirmed reports that the carrot was steamed, and not roasted, which was why it was still able to cause the debilitating wound. Had it been cooked next to a pot roast with potatoes, it would've simply stuck to her face, slowly sliding down her cheek in a comical manner.
We heard about this last night but were still working out the kinks in our interface, so it had to be kept back until today, where we are astonished to report that Yahoo! has lost $10.4 billion in one single day after it saw its stock drown 22 percent after announcing they were holding off an advertising change that is the basis of their large profit margin.
A female New Zealand police officer was censured for working as a prostitute as a secondary job, something that was not sanctioned by the New Zealand Prostitutes' Collective, the governing body of all hookers in the country.
We apologize for the length of the headline, but we're not fans of snakes. In fact, we hate them. So this story was a bit disconcerting when we heard that a 12-foot python swallowed a six foot electric blanket, cord, power box and all and then veternarians spent hours in surgery taking the blanket out of the snake, which they should've just shot in the head and dumped into a ditch.
Lubbock, Texas, home to Texas Tech University and some of the worst smells ever to invade a major city, has just become the home of another oddity that fits perfectly into the urban cesspool; a fish with human teeth.
A thief in Germany who stole a man's bicycle felt so bad for his criminal behavior that he sent the man 400 euros for the total cost in an anonymous letter that also contained a heartfelt apology. This thoughtful criminal also professed his sorrow at forgetting where he left the bike, or else he would have returned it instead of paying for the cost of the transport.
Over 400,000 Toyota vehicles, including their popular smug-mobile the Prius and new Yaris models, have been hit with a recall today which would involve fixing the engine before complete and total failure of said motor.
Alfie the dog is being called a local Philadelphia hero after stopping his owner's two-year-old son from falling off of the family's roof in the middle of the night. The toddler apparently outsmarted his parents and moved away the impenetrable playpen they put in front of the broken window in his room before pulling himself up onto the roof.
Renowned noir author Mickey Spillane, creator of legendary tough guy private dick Mike Hammer, has passed away at the age of 88. Spillane's novels were known for their short, brutal prose and violent stories, usually involving dames, broads, skirts and tramps.
A Hawaiian man was held in contempt of court after exclaiming "Thank you, Jesus!" shortly following his acquittal of one charge of child abuse, which turned out to be a lie formed by his angry young son. Judge Patrick Border told him that his outburst was against his wishes to keep the court quiet and had him held in jail for six hours before bringing him back into the courtroom and releasing him.
It has widely been debated why the Irish have the reputation for being drunken louts who do nothing but drink, fight and steal shit. This story out of Dublin does not help make matters towards the contrary and more promising.
Hooters innovator and Chairman Robert Brooks died Sunday at his home at the age of 69. Despite purchasing the original Hooters location to expand worldwide and dying at a completely inappropriate age for someone of his, urm, stature, Brooms is being hailed as creating an entire industry of food service without moving into the strip club area most businesses like his tread towards.
President George W. Bush has always been considered one of the most influential and important leaders in the world (you're joking, right? - ed.). But now his latest gaff might have some people in our country, especially those riding the wave to the left, in an uproar abotu what is proper in a diplomatic setting.
To close out our odd week, we turn to The Daily Show, who have come to some agreement to help get Alaskan Senator Ted Stevens, Chair of the Senate Commerce Committee, and his key message about the Internet, or as he calls them, "Internets," out to the general public.
This week's DSCC email comes from the one and only mind of Senator Patrick Leahy, who is showing his ire over the Guantanamo prison SNAFU. So what does the distinguished whiner have to say? Let's take a look.
When we were the tender age of 12, our grandmother gave us a drink from her beer, and our love affair with Coors Light began. 14 years later, we've discovered other liquified forms of the beverage, but we still always find ourselves purchasing a fresh 12 pack of the Silver Bullet every now and then.