Topic: Texas News
The Houston Chronicle reports today that San Antonio strip club Palace Men's Club is planning a trip to the popular river innertubing destination New Braunfels this Sunday as the city initiates a massive sweep of the normal drunken debauchery that usually occurs during trips down the river.
Even though the manager of the club says that the dancers will be dressed as they should be and that they aren't "hookers, dope dealers or Mafia thugs," this appears to be a not too subtle poke at the new ordinance, which has created a lot of new rules since we first attended one of these mass gatherings of drunken idiocy, where the only rule was no glass bottles on the water.
New Braunfels City Councilman Ken Valentine had this to say about the stripper trip, which men can accompany for $25, proving that no matter where you go with an exotic dancer, you always have to pay cover: "I'm really disappointed that this is going to occur on Sunday when people should be in church,. I hope they behave themselves and keep their clothes on, but I'm not sure they will because strippers are trained to take off their clothes."
Perhaps Councilman Valentine doesn't understand the purpose of people making these trips. They're so you don't have to behave responsibly. When you go on a tubing trip with six guys, four girls, five cases of beer and a handle of whiskey (not that we did or anything - ed.), responsibility goes out the window. Just make sure that you have a religious zealot on the river with you to laugh at and then drive you home, as we did. Or didn't. We have to vague. Our mother reads this.
A Florida police DUI instructor was arrested for the second time on drunken driving charges. The kicker this time was that after nearly swerving into an oncoming police car at 90 MPH, she was stopped and found naked from the waist down with two dogs in the back of her car. She also said that she had no idea of the whereabouts of her pants.
We were so proud of American Floyd Landis for stepping out of Lance Armstrong's shadow and winning the Tour de France, repeating America's win streak for eight years. But Landis's team, Phonak, announced today that Floyd failed a doping test and that he had high amounts of testosterone in his "A" sample, which could either be a result of treatment for his hip injury, another established ailment or the use of steroids or banned substances.
Former NBA star and current NBA talking head Charles Barkley has decided that he might possibly in the future run for the Governorship of Alabama. But the big switch in his thinking is that he's going to run as a Democrat instead of a Republican, which he has identified himself as since he got into the NBA. Here's Sir Chuck's reasoning, which in true Charles Barkley fashion, makes barely an iota of sense.
Rule number one for attempting to blackmail someone; keep your identity secret.
We received the weekly DSCC email earlier today, after not getting one last week, thus throwing off our ability to make fun of politicians to close out a Friday. So because of our ire that was raised because of this, we're going to look at Senaor Tom Daschle's email today, which was simply titled "Craven," which continues the last email we received and the previous one. Guess the Senators like to shock you with one word...
Since the good fellas at Jalopnik have decided to sanction our amateur drinking game into a full blown official version, they have let it be known that tonight is your first chance to play along with CNBC's show "On The Money." So get your beer cans ready (we're using Miller High Life in a bottle, because we're classy/broke like that - ed.) and play along.
The son of a bond owner who gave a homeless man $100 for returning $21,000 in savings bonds must now feel like a total heel, as outpouring from Detroit and the entire country has given the hobo over $4,000 in compensation for his good deed.
We apologize for reporting so much financial news in the recent days, but the second quarter numbers for some of America's largest companies are astounding. Yahoo! lost $10.4 billion in a day, shortly before Ford dropped $123 million. Then McDonald's comes back today with a massive increase, and now Internet sales juggernaut Amazon.com has announced a 58 percent drop in earnings, leading to a 9 percent falloff in trading.
The 2003 James Bond film Die Another Day was centered around the idea that a satellite could not only create an artificial sun to promote growth of crops around the year, but also be used to create an intense weaponized beam of heat. Now the Chinese have taken this far fetched idea and turned it into a reality, that, if successful, would create the first fision reaction and possibly create an artificial sun for use of the first of the two Bond movie devices.
A kamikaze raccoon, angry at humans for putting lids on their trashcans and running over his brethern, decided to strike back on his Florida neighbors, as he chewed through a power cord and took out the electricity to nearly 3,000 residents in the Kissimmee area.
A new technology has made its way to London, where "Buddy on Demand" has recently been released. Simply put, finally women can blow a man that will stick with them throughout the night (ha ha! we're funny - ed.). The company is offering an inflatable man, who happens to look nothing like a real human man, that is said to help keep female drivers feel safe cruising at night.
McDonald's did the happy dance after watching their second quarter profits rise 57 percent on increased breakfast and international sales. Executives for the company offer the claim that their new premium coffee has helped to increase breakfast sales of such disgusting fare as their 9,000 calorie bagle sandwiches and their McGriddle, a combination of powdered eggs and pancakes which tastes like something that came from the ass end of Satan.
This is one of those interesting stories that comes around once every few months that could be included in multiple topic lists. We chose to label it National News, but it could easily be Embarrassment, Stupidity, Cars/Automotive or Weird Shit. Either way, it's awesome.
As the owner of two cats, we are keenly aware of the amount of mischief they can get into. Which is also why we have our dog act as security in our apartment, making sure that our crazy felines don't break more lamps. But a New York neighborhood is in turmoil as Willy the cat strikes again and again, stealing from his neighbors whenever he gets the chance.
English artist and sculptor Maurice Agis has made a name for himself creating giant, walk-in sculptures that attract the old and young with their bright colors and large, inviting spaces that are designed for patrons to walk through. However brilliant his bounce-house creating abilities are, Agis has absolutely no concept for physics, as his latest creation became free of its moorings and took off 18 feet into the air, spilling out 15 people who were trapped inside and killing two women who fell to their death.