NBA Player Eddie Griffin Charged with Driving While Jerking Off and Watching Porn and Being Drunk
Topic: Sports

Minnesota Timberwolves forward Eddie Griffin is in a lot of trouble for his DUI car accident last month, during which time he was thought to have been masturbating while driving intoxicated to his home. Griffin smashed into three cars before lurching to a stop, penis in drunken hand. We turn to Deadspin now, who has the full lawsuit linked on their page and the best excerpt quoted for those of you in a hurry.

Defendant Griffin was under the influence of alcohol and negligently not paying attention to the direction of travel ahead of him due in part to the fact he was watching a pornographic DVD which was displayed on a mounted in-dash DVD player, located near the steering column, in his Escalade video. He was manually manipulating his genitals which he described to a witness, after the accident, as “jacking off.” DVD jackets with pornographic titles “Anal Action” and “Privates” were seen in the driver/passenger area of the vehicle. The items were viewed by the officers at the scene, whereupon they laughed.

It might come back to bite them in the ass, but the officers on the scene laughing part was our favorite, and we laughed when we read that. Way to go Eddie. You're dumb.


DEADSPIN

The Damn Weekly DSCC Email; Only Chuck Schumer Can Stop Evil
Topic: Politics

This week's Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee email comes from that quasi-lovable madman from New York state, Senator Chuck Schumer. Chucky's pretty happy that people gave the DSCC $1.2 million in the past month (dude, that's pretty week for a nationwide fund raiser, isn't it? - ed.), so he's going to tell you exactly what HE's going to do with your money.

He and the other Democratic Senators are going to turn into Super Senators and have a cage match with Bush, because only they can stop his world domination plot.

Senate Democrats are the only people standing in the way of Bush's radical agenda. - Seriously Chuck? The House Democrats suck that much? Shhh. Nancy Pelosi might've heard you. Hide in your closet.

In the run-up to the November elections, you can count on Republicans doing everything to divert and distract from their disastrous legislative record. They'll attack the media. They'll revel in their fake tough guy patriotism. But this time, America won't be fooled. - The Democrats however, will do none of this. Instead, they will be standing on top of tall buildings in tights, capes flying in the wind, waiting for a kitten to get stuck in a tree, because Democrats love kittens. And puppies. And full grown cats and dogs because they tend to pander.

This was a worthless, disappointing email that only lasted two paragraphs and said nothing of importance except that, surprise, Democrats think George W. Bush sucks. You know what Chuck? You suck. Never email us again with this boring shit.


DSCC

A Few More Reasons Why Cingular Sucks
Topic: Technology

As former Verizon wireless and current Sprint PCS fans, we've never been big on Cingular. We think they're overpriced and don't care about their customers, only using their "cool new phones" to draw people in. Looks like we were righter than we could've guessed.

Now the company faces a multi-million dollar class action lawsuit on behalf of former AT&T wireless customers who after the October 2004 merger with Cingular were promised no degradation of service. Turns out that Cingular couldn't care less, and did not keep up or update the AT&T wireless facilities, and customers not only began to receive more dropped calls and areas of no service, but were treated as second class customers.

The federal suit alleges that Cingular forced AT&T customers to cancel their AT&T contracts for $175 before they were able to change service, and that they stopped offering new phones and updates plans for AT&T customers, forcing them to change to their service.

This comes one month after Cingular lost a $12.5 million judgment for signing up customers faster than they could get them cell phone service and would also have to pay $10 million to customers who canceled their contracts after being forced to by Cingular. This gives us even more cause to say with 100 percent conviction that Cingular sucks.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Another Reason not to be Too Frightened of Bears; We're Looking at You Steven Colbert!
Topic: National News

While cruising through our daily links and relaxing after a hard day of nothing, we ran across this slightly older, but still chuckle-worthy tale of animal hilarity at Cute Overload. With respect to the original author (and since we can't write it any better - ed.), and because we fear another plagiarism lawsuit (another? - ed. don't ask), we'll simply paste a condensed version of the story here before logging the photo below.

Jack, a 15-pound orange and white cat, keeps a close vigil on his property, often chasing small animals, but his owners and neighbors say his latest escapade was surprising.

"We used to joke, 'Jack's on duty,' never knowing he'd go after a bear," owner Donna Dickey told The Star-Ledger of Newark for Friday's editions.

After about 15 minutes, the bear descended and tried to run away, but Jack chased it up another tree
Dickey, who feared for her cat, then called Jack home and the bear scurried back to the woods.

If bears could talk, we'd never hear about this story again. Sissy bear...


CUTE OVERLOAD

Man's Head Falls Off, People Come to See
Topic: Weird Shit

Injuries can draw people together, and such is the case of Indian electrician Sambhu Roy, who's skull fell off Sunday, drawing thousands to see the man hold a piece of his own head.

A victim of horrendous burns, Roy's skin began to die on top of his skull and receded to the point that you could see bone. Then after a short period of time, the skull began to loosen from a lack of blood, which apparently is common in terrible burns. Now the man has nothing protecting his brain except for a towel.

Actually, that's not true. Doctor's fabricated a false skull top and have it in place, but Roy said he's not getting rid of his real piece, as it has made him famous. And gross.


REUTERS

Gawker Media Kills Two Outlets!
Topic: Media

We apologize for our tardiness today in getting to all the insipid, vapid regurgitation that we think of as news, but the story behind this involves a helicopter, police, pork chops and a woman. Yeah, don't ask.

But on to something we just found out about last night: the Gawker media staff has been reshuffled, and some, like Gawker.com's Jesse Oxfeld, have been let go! Also, Sploid, one of our links to the left, has been cut free to drift into the Internet bath house. Screenhead also joins it in the abyss. Nick Denton, the Gawker honcho/founder/creepy guy, said this is for traffic reasons and that the sites never took off.

Of course, for Sploid it could be because it has a staff of many and is updated on a maybe three times a day basis. We have a staff of one and update our site just as much, if not more. Still, we liked its brand of news (despite the everything not leftist hatred - ed.) and will miss it. It's still up and running, but soon it will go bye-bye, unable to keep itself afloat.

RIP.

Dummies Arrested for Trying to Sell Coke Secrets to Pepsi
Topic: Stupidity

Three morons in Atlanta were caught trying to ruin Pepsi by selling them Coke's secrets. The three include an executive assistant who stole secrets, paperwork and a top secret new project.

In our opinion though, Pepsi has nothing to worry about, since Coke is the one in desperation mode after the failure of Coke Blak (why not just call it Coke Negro for pete's sake? - ed.). That and we hate Coke products. If we wanted to take the roof off of our mouths, burn out sinuses and melt our taste buds, we'd just go drink a bottle of Montezuma tequila.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Another Idiot Cop Does Something Stupid; Runs Over Sunbather
Topic: Stupidity

Florida has lately been in the news, especially with their own fare amount of stupidity. This story comes to us from Daytona Beach, where the Fourth of July weekend was marred by a dumbass cop who wasn't paying attention to his job... or where his truck was headed.

While driving at an astoundingly quick 2.5 mph and warning beachgoers to steer clear of the rip tide, the officer rolled over a sunbather, who immediately stood up and began to scream at the cop before collapsing to the ground. Reports say she's okay, alert and talking, but the cop is the one who is facing the worst of it.

He's facing a massive fine of $115. For running someone over. You or I would be arrested, but he's fined $115. It's no wonder we hate the state of Florida.


FIRST COAST NEWS

All Atlantic City Casinos Close! East Coast Gamblers Freak the Hell Out
Topic: National News

Atlantic City, New Jersey, has long been a haven for gamblers, old people and boxing aficionados. Now, thanks to the state of New Jersey wanting more than their fair share and not even being able to afford their casino inspectors' payrolls (even while earning $1.3 million a day off of the casinos - ed.), every casino in Atlantic City has been shut down as of midnight this morning.

The closures are result of budget issues involving the proposed state budget, which has not been approved, meaning that they have no idea where they will get the funds to pay their state gambling commissioners, inspectors and officials. But the big problem is the 15,000+ casino workers who will be out of work until the casinos open back up, which could double if they stay closed through the weekend.

"They're going to lose a lot of money," said Jerome Harper, 42, of Philadelphia, who was playing the slots at Resorts Atlantic City. "It's bad. Why close it down when you could just do your job and put the budget together? That's what they're paid for."

Dude, if a degenerate slot player can figure this out, surely New Jersey can. If not, then we were right, and there finally is nothing good in the Garden State.


MY WAY NEWS

Greek Super-Mosquitoes Caused by Greeks!
Topic: Weird Shit

Greek scientists have determined that a new breed of Greek super-mosquitoes are the result of pollution, smog and cramped living conditions in Athens, where the population of these massive blood suckers has soared, thanks to all the nooks and crannies where they can lay their eggs.

"Mosquitoes can lay their eggs even inside the trays placed beneath thousands of balcony flowerpots," Athens University professor of zoology Anastassios Legakis said.

While we feel for the Greeks, we honestly can't, because we've had these bugs in Texas for decades, and we just punch them in their large faces and run for our apartment.


AFP via YAHOO! NEWS

Former Enron CEO Ken Lay Taken by the Devil!
Topic: National News

Former corrupt bastard and Enron CEO Ken Lay has been found dead in his Colorado vacation home of what authorities are calling a massive heart attack, which either means poisoning, hanging, beaten to death, or shot in the face. Or suicide.

Lay was found responsible in part for the downfall of America's largest energy trader and was awaiting his sentence for multiple counts of fraud and embezzlement. He probably self induced his coronary to stop from being pounded in the rump by former employees in the clink. Rot in hell, Ken Lay. The devil's waiting for your sorry ass.


REUTERS

Have a Happy and Safe 4th of July Weekend!
Topic: Entertainment

Everyone go and enjoy yourselves this long weekend during your 4th of July exploits! Be safe with your alcohol consumption and don't fall of your boats! If you have Monday off, enjoy the four day weekend, and if not, just think that everyone is sleeping off hangovers and at least you're being productive. We're our own bosses here, so there's no reason for us to even think about posting again until Wednesday the 5th. Enjoy this video (granted, it's from New Years 2005, but it still works - ed.) with firecrackers galore, and once again, be safe!

First Idiot Myspace Teen Won't be Supervised by Court
Topic: Technology

The idiot Michigan teenage girl who attempted to fly to the West Bank to be with a dude she met on networking Web site Myspace.com won't have to be supervised by the court because she's retarded. Instead, she'll be remanded to her parent's custody and will have to forfeit her passport, all because she couldn't get a date in America.

Katherine Lester, now 17, went on Good Morning America last week and announced her plans to marry the 20-year-old Palestinian, who works for her dad delivering products to bodegas and stores throughout the West Bank. Because of her mom's inability to keep her from sneaking out of the house and flying to Amman, Jordan, Lester is now living with her dad, which probably isn't the smartest idea in the world considering her intentions.

Now if only the idiot teenage girl who is suing Myspace for her own stupidity would take a lesson, we wouldn't be that upset with today's current youth population. Until then, we'll continue to pelt them with water balloons while they're playing hopscotch. Also, that's really fun and we don't want to stop.


AP

Idiot Jordanian Embezzler Busted for Posing as Brad Pitt
Topic: Stupidity

A Jordanian who was attempting to embezzler more than $23,000 from a Dubai money exchange was busted when an employee noticed the picture ID he was using was had a photo of Brad Pitt on it.

After being arrested, the idiot told police that he didn't know who Brad Pitt was, and that he simply downloaded the photo for the fake ID from the Internet. This easily qualifies him as both one of the most homosexual and retarded criminals to ever walk the face of the Earth.


REUTERS via YAHOO! NEWS via DEFAMER

The Damn Weekly DSCC Email; John Edwards Makes no Point Without Smiling and Batting Eyes
Topic: Politics

This week's Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee email comes from last election's Vice Presidential candidate, one John Edwards, who is pretty much the epitome of everything that's wrong with out country. Sure, he's not an idiot, but he obviously thinks that to get elected, all you need is a smile and long eyelashes. JE, take a lesson from JFK; you gotta have ideas also. So we dive right in to Senator Edwards' email to us, which was delivered under the title "Wreckage." Should be fun:

Two thousand five hundred American soldiers killed in Iraq is "just a number," according to White House Press Secretary Tony Snow. Thousands of our most vulnerable are stranded in the New Orleans Superdome after Katrina while the Bush administration looks the other way. - The point with the 2500 number is that Democrats are calling Iraq the new Vietnam, even though 2500 was nothing. And of course, just like the GOP with 9/11, here come the Dems with Katrina. If anyone ever names their baby Katrina, we're sure the Democrats will figure out a way to have the convicted of a hate crime.

In too many places around the globe, the idea of American leadership seems like a contradiction. The Bush administration has turned a blind eye, and has done nothing to change its failed policy in Iraq. A Democratic Senate will stand up to this administration and hold it accountable for its mistakes and failed priorities. - Sounds good. How will you do this, John? Oh, I have to PAY to find out.

Thirty-seven million of our own people are living in poverty and despair - George Bush's response is bloated deals for government contractors in Iraq and giveaways to the oil and gas industry. Just last week, the Republicans in the Senate blocked Senator Kennedy's attempt to raise the minimum wage - which has not been increased in almost ten years. - Says the "son of a mill worker" who is worth hundreds of millions of off real estate deals in which he uses this tax cuts. And Kennedy's minimum wage proposal also included no government help for small businesses when raising the wage multiple times over the coming years. That's why that wasn't supported.

The final thought is that this email might have actually been written by Senator Edwards. The first example is that he uses the phrase "callous presidency" when discussing George Bush five goddamn times, showing that whoever did write this note to America really needs a fucking thesaurus. And second, it includes a picture of John Edwards at the top, smiling away with the eyelashes rocketing skyward. No other letter has included a picture. Way to politic like you do, John!


DSCC

Lance Armstrong Laughing as Multiple Old Nemeses Banned from Tour De France
Topic: Sports

After crushing the competition at the Tour de France and setting multiple records including longest winning streak, Lance Armstrong can now get away from allegations that he was doping, even though no proof was ever offered to support this. But what of the future performers such as Ivan Basso and Jan Ulrich, who were always one short step behind Armstrong?

Yeah, their banned now for doping.

Both have been barred from participating in this year's event for being caught blood doping by French officials, which comes as a sweet irony for American Armstrong, who has been fighting this since returning from debilitating cancer and winning seven times in a row. Seven other riders have also been implicated in what is called "team doping." There hasn't been any word on further ramifications, but you can be sure that we'll keep you updated, because this is just sweet, sweet justice.


YAHOO! SPORTS

We've Returned, and We'll be Back Tomorrow
Topic: Housekeeping

Our morning excursion ran late, and since we're covered in dust and dried horse crap, we're gonna take a shower, apply aloe to our burned neck, and retreat to the safety and security of our favorite chair to recover and rehydrate. See you guys tomorrow, when we'll have a new DSCC email update (from John Edwards, no less! - ed.) and your normal amount of idiotic Friday news.

We're Gonna Slack Again; A Pre-Late Posting Warning
Topic: Housekeeping

Since we've skipped out on our normal day job and began working strictly on a "whenever they need us to swallow some balloons" basis, we're gonna be out of the office, i.e. off of the couch, until the afternoon, when normal posting will resume. And by normal, we mean sporadic. Please do not hate us, for we're entertaining you at work, while we can't be shaken from our Xbox, okay? Fight Night, Round 2 ain't gonna beat itself, people.

Insurgents Bargaining with US/Iraq Forces!?!?!?!
Topic: World News

An unbelievable development occurred today in the Middle East, as eleven Iraqi insurgent groups offered to stop attacking coalition forces if the United States agreed to a two year pullout from the region.

No. Shit.

While these are definitely not the most powerful insurgent groups in Iraq, they have clout, especially since when combined, they would take away all control from the more powerful Islamic Army in
Iraq, Muhammad Army and the Mujahedeen Shura Council (which controls al Qaida in Iraq - ed.)

So after the chemical weapons announcement and now possibly this, it might shape up to be a good week for the Bush administration, if only no one will bring up that other country that begins with Ira.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Security Guard Shoots Hotel Guest in Face Over Who was the Better Soldier; Guess we Know Now
Topic: Stupidity

A New Orleans security guard who was upset with one of his hotel's guests for suggesting that he had a better military service record than said guard became so incensed that he drew his 40 Smith & Wesson handgun and fired one shot into the man's face.

Of course, a fistfight and shoving match preceded the shooting, but still, we're willing to bet that the hotel guest was drunk and a combat veteran, while the security guard was some sort of cook or potato peeler who happened to do overseas duty. Didn't you ever see Under Siege? Military cooks are like Navy Seals.

Oh, by the way, the guard was arrested and the hotel guest is in critical condition in the hospital.


WWLTV.com