Topic: Housekeeping
FRIDAY: Drink up bitches, it's Saint Patrick's Day! Even though everything that happens on Saint Patrick's Day, the drinking, the booze, the lipstick lesbians, would have been frowned upon by Saint Patrick. But who cares, he's dead, right? Green beer is calling.NCAA Tournament action has begun! March Madness, if you will. So check your brackets (ours are fucked already - ed.) and get your college hoops on. Green beer goes well with this. And cheer for Texas A&M, who has already beaten Syracuse and shut up the doubters.
SATURDAY: Hang overs. Hang overs across the world.
But you have to get up and drink the remaining green beer because NCAA hoops action continues with A&M beating the crap out of LSU at 12:10PM tomorrow. Then you can continue to mull over why you possibly chose Winthrop to beat Tennessee in the first round because that was the dumbest thing you could've done.
SUNDAY: Hibernate and nurse your hangover. Revel in the fact that you remember nothing of your weekend and spend your last few free hours in complete misery before returning to the salt mines in a few short hours for another week of hell on Earth.
Posted by James
at 11:57 AM CST
A distraught man who had been breaking into houses and cars after being dumped with his girlfriend used an interesting tactic to keep the police back from arresting him. First, he would emerge from the kitchen with a handful of knives and start chucking them at any nearby officers. When he ran out of sharp objects, however, he decided that he had something else he could throw.
A bomb-sniffing dog who hadn't yet had his lunchtime Kibble "hit" on a hot dog vendor's cart before the NCAA tournament was set to being in San Diego. The entire arena was evacuated and 12,000 people were kept away from the building for two hours. 
The United States military announced today that they had begun their largest air offensive in three years in Iraq and had already taken weapons caches that included thousands of guns, rounds of ammo, bombs and bomb-making materials.
There are times when every driver has done something to their car where they instantaneously thought "well that was stupid. Who's gonna pay for that?" Curtis Gokey had one of these moments.
As we checked our email for the fourteenth time in a row, hoping to see that our insurance payment had not bounced out of our massively overspent checking account, we received the first of undoubtedly many emails that we will receive from political candidates in the 2006 election season. Who, you might ask was it from? A candidate whose district we are in? Nay.
If we swore more, we'd be saying something really bad right now. Who are we kidding, we'll swear away. What. The. Fuck.
Jay Leno is a nice guy. We've had the opportunity to meet him once, and we can say that he's a really nice guy, which is why it's even more of a shame that he's a shitty comedian. He used to be good, but then he got the spot on The Tonight Show and ruined himself instead of making it his own like Steve Allen or Johnny Carson. He's the Saturday Night Live of late night: a mad-lib comedian with current/popular words and subjects inserted into the jokes.
Despite it being tax season, when they make all of their money, it's not a good time to be H&R Block, the world's largest tax preparer. After getting caught by the IRS for not disclosing tens of millions in income and being forced to pay the government $32 million to solve the problem, New York Attorney General Eliot "I'm Not a Ratboy" Spitzer has decided that it's time to knock the giant down off of their peg again and has hit them with a fraud charge, alleging that they deliberately led clients to purchase IRAs that they knew would lose money.
Today, mere moments after Terrell Owens was cut from the Eagles, our team, the Dallas Cowboys, cut veteran receiver and Bill Parcells favorite Keyshawn Johnson. KJ, who was only scheduled to make about $1.5 million this year, seemed to be a contender for hothead had T.O. made it to Dallas, which now seems like a complete possibility.
Miss Deaf Teen Texas Tara McAvoy was struck down by a speeding Union Pacific train in Austin on Monday afternoon. Witnesses said that the conductor was frantically blowing the train's whistle while bystanders tried to get McAvoy's attention before she stepped in front of the locomotive.
A very angered Mexican couple decided that it was time to kick ass and end some life as they turned on each other with guns, knives and homemade pipe bombs. Yeah, really. The couple fought until they blew up their own house with a massive gasoline bomb.
Issac Hayes has turned his back on one of our favorite programs, South Park, because he says he's having trouble dealing with their "intolerance to religion." Hayes, a Scientologist, should realize that he doesn't belong to a religion and that he's a hypocritical retard. South Park co-creator Matt Stone said it perfectly:
The epic that was the Carolina Panther cheerleader bathroom sex scandal has whimpered its way to a close, loosening the pants of thousands of men across the nation, as uber-hot Renee Thomas and brown bagger Angela Keathley ended their hold on our johnsons in less than excitable fashion.
Are you old and confused about cellular, or "mobile" phone technology? If so, then we apologize that you stumbled upon this site, because all we're going to do is make you confused and fidgety until you get your medicine. But a company named Emporia has created a cell phone just for you.
An Australian man was stopped and charged with excessively driving in reverse after going more than 25 miles backwards down the Hume Highway between Melbourne and Sidney. His reasoning was simply that it was the only gear in the car that still worked, and he had to drive 56 miles home.
Krispy Kreme fell on rough times during the Atkins craze, as stocks plummeted and America ate less and less donuts. Out of this came new inventions. KK wedding cakes. Frozen KKs in your grocery store. And now KK has teamed with MLB to create a hybrid burger/donut for one lucky minor league team.
For those like us that did nothing but watch the 24 marathon on WGN all weekend, it came as a surprise that one of the most evil men with one of the goofiest names died Saturday in his prison cell in the Hague of an apparent heart attack. Slobodan Milosevic was being held prisoner pending his trial on war crimes and genocide for his part in the killings of millions of Bosnians, Croatians and Kosovons during the late 1990s in Yugoslavia.
President Bush must be cursing his standing up for the United Arab Emirates ports deal, since it's caused his ratings to plummet back towards the mid-30s and has even taken him out of favor in his won party. With just 37 percent of the American people not giving their approval for the President, and his Republican support dropping from 82 percent to 74 percent, it's a wonder he doesn't just show up on TV and give everyone the bird. At least that way he'd get the youth vote again.
Many famous inventors and scientists have lamented their creations only after they have been unleashed upon the world. But Robert Probst is perhaps the only to do so from the grave.