The Return of Bird Flu Frenzy! RUN FOR YOUR PETS' LIVES!
Topic: World News

With a case of bird flu jumping from a bird to a car in Germany and successfully killing it, people every have returned to the bird flu freak out. Germany is requiring that all cats be kept in doors. The Bahamas are testing dead flamingos to see if they died of the disease, all the while the company that makes Tamiflu is probably wiping their ass with $100 bills while laughing maniacally.


DEAD GERMAN CATS

DEAD PINK BIRDS

CHICKEN GENOCIDE

NOTHING TO DO WITH BIRD FLU, JUST TO LIGHTEN THE MOOD

Seven-Year-Old Girl Brings Tons of Blow For Classmates!
Topic: National News

No one has ever claimed Philly to be a city of class and taste, but it appears that their drug problem is getting way out of hand. Police confirmed that a seven-year-old girl brought 18 bags of cocaine to her elementary school and then passed them around the classroom, during which times a couple of the curious kids ate some of the white powder.

Teachers were alerted to what was going on when one of the students who ate some of the blow began to shake violently. Guess it doesn't take much to OD a 50 pound kid.

"I ate it. I asked, 'What is it?' I spit it out and I was like, 'What is it?'" said Shaniya Brown, 7.

"I took her to the hospital because she said when they were in there, when she took it, she started shaking and she couldn't stop shaking," her mother said.

Good night and good luck indeed! What the hell are you doing Philadelphia? Police have no idea where she could've gotten the drugs, but we're going to venture a guess of, hmm, the parents maybe? Idiots. Cut your mullet. Then solve crimes.


NBC10

Leave it to the Scots to Create a 184-Proof Whisky
Topic: World News

A team of Scottish artisan distillers have completed, and plan on selling, a 184-proof whisky. As you may remember from high school, a proof of 184 means that the libation is 92 percent alcohol, meaning more than two tablespoonfuls could kill you. Or at least make you the life of the party.

The distillery that is making it said before they were going to serve it to anybody, they were going to install web cams in their facility so that people who are interested can see the effects on other folks, animals, machinery, the creatures from Alien, etc. Seriously, this stuff would probably be like acid to your throat. We've taken shots of Everclear and can imagine that this would just stop your mouth from functioning all together. Sweet.


AFP via YAHOO! NEWS

Just Because It's Stupid, We Give You "The Flamboyant Referee"
Topic: Sports

Thanks to Will Leitch and all the guys at Deadspin for this nice video of the most flamboyant soccer referee ever. We'd imagine it would be rather hard to play a game with this guy on the field. Just watch and laugh.

U.S. Media Gets Massive Erection Waiting for Iraq Civil War; A Heart of Darko Opinion Column
Topic: Media

The first rule of journalism that we were taught in our very first writing class was "If it bleeds, it leads." This mindset has fallen by the wayside in the 24-hour news cycle, with this level of awfulness and violence unable to continue to be sustain an entire day of news.

Now the day has come where the media is licking its lips, waiting to be able to take their journalistic erections and swing them at President, whom they all believe to be the most evil man in the country, because that's what their journalism professors told them to think. Trust us - we know first hand.

Before you say "this is a bunch of crap, shut up right-winger," know that we think Bush screwed up in Iraq big time and has done so pretty much since being elected to his second term. All in all, he has made things worse. But the man is looking for help and support, and constantly attacking him over petty, obviously racist crap like the ports deal is nothing but taking a hypocritical advantage of a situation. Yes, we're looking at you, Democrats.

If a civil war erupts in Iraq, who will be pleased? Bush? Of course not. We can tell you who, and in what order:

1.) Bin Laden
2.) Al Qaeda
3.) Insurgents
4.) Media

This is a holy war for the media, where they can scrutinize our government until the blood vessels in their eyes burst. Because what will happen? American soldiers will die. And the 24-hour-news cycle will have its blood.

It reminds us of 2004 during the Presidential election, when John Kerry said that Bush would instantly start a draft as soon as he was elected. The leftist hawks screamed this for months, and no one on the right gave a damn. Bush won, no draft.

The far left (we mean Al Franken, Sen. Kerry, Sen. Kennedy far left - ed.) is once again screaming Iraqi civil war, doing nothing but helping the attacks become even more violent. After all, anyone with a phone line can get the online copy of the New York Times. And the American media is listening... because their professors told them who to listen to.

Trust us - we know first hand.


MSNBC

Google Stock Takes a Dump!
Topic: National News

Stock in Google dropped over $50 today after the company's CFO announced that growth was slowing down and "largely organic." The stock currently rests at $357.37, down $33, meaning that it had a slight recovery since Wall Street freaked out and began to dump the stock, which some financial advisors have called a high risk because of Google's lack of assets.

If this isn't proof positive of that, we don't know what is. Let's take a look at the timeline:

1.) Stock up to around $380
2.) CFO says growth "slowing." Not stopped, not negative, not bad, but "slowing"
3.) Stock drops $50
4.) Other internet companies take hits, including eBay, Yahoo and Baidu
5.) Google recovers $17 of its losses

So yes, the tech bubble is back ladies and gentlemen. And if we had taken the opportunity that was given to us to buy into the incredible money-making IPO like we should have, we would currently be righting this from Jamaica, where half naked islanders would bring us cocktails and we would be dictating this post to a sixteen-year-old student.

Dear god that would be the good life.


REUTERS

Bush Approval Ratings In! Welcome to the Suck
Topic: Politics

What with the Dubai port anger and all the Cheney shooting his friend stuff, President Bush's approval ratings took a slide from the 42% it was at last week to an astoundingly low 34% this week, pretty much because people don't trust anything Arab.

Yes, guess you're right, we are supporters of the Dubai port deal. It's a British company that has its headquarters in Dubai folks. The Coast Guard will still be running security not Al Qaeda. Funny how the Democrats can argue racism against the GOP, but then they have no problem flaunting their own.

Perhaps this is a ploy by the Bush Administration to show the leftist thoughts on race and prove that they're simply using them for votes and really couldn't give a crap about them. Or maybe we're giving Bush too much credit and he's getting a kickback. Probably the second.


REUTERS via YAHOO! NEWS

Fat Tuesday Returns to New Orleans!
Topic: National News

We have all been inundated by the stories already; New Orleans is returning to what it was. Drunks are back, women are flashing and the bars are open. That can only mean one thing; we're in town.

No kidding. If you turned on your TV this morning while rubbing the eye boogers deeper into your tear glands and scratching yourselves for five minutes, you were undoubtedly not able to find a single station that didn't have something to do with Katrina coverage and Fat Tuesday. Today was forcing it down our throats like we were a subservient hooker. We're pretty sure Cartoon Network had something on it too.

So no matter what you decide to do tonight, be safe and don't drive drunk. Personally, we're not doing shit because there's no point. We have a fridge full of cheap beer and are wondering how we're going to pay our bills, and we can think of no better way of celebrating the current state of New Orleans than by living like that.

P.S. - For the record, the only thing we like about the Today show are Katie Couric's legs. We don't even like Katie. Just her legs.

Today in Drunks; A Heart of Darko Salute to Alcoholics
Topic: Stupidity

A 40-year-old Scottsdale man was found at his home with a whopping .345 blood alcohol concentration after he passed out and his 5-year-old daughter called 911. Alcohol experts (how exactly does one attain this job? - ed.) said that with this level of drink in his system, the effects were close to those of surgical anesthesia.

After coming to from his near coma amount of alcohol intake, the man might face criminal child endangerment charges, even though we find it interesting you can be charged with being TOO drunk in your own home. Granted, the only food in the house was bread and peanut butter.

But the police should be looking towards his ex-wife, who dropped their daughter off before going to Hawaii for a vacation. Of course, we can't blame her either. After spending some significantly long weeks in Scottsdale, we'd either leave for a much better place or drink ourselves into a coma too.


AZCENTRAL

Winter Olympics 2006; A Grand and Awful Ending
Topic: Sports

Torino was a wonderful host city to athletes from across the world. They kept their bars open late for drunkards like Bode Miller and gave out large baskets of free Olympic-themed condoms (note to porn industry; why no Olympic pornos? that's a huge international audience you're missing. we call dibs! if you make one, it was our idea and we want royalties! - ed.).

But just as the oddly surreal opening ceremonies kicked off the weird stories of the following two weeks, the closing ceremonies ended in a loud thud. Designed to be more high energy, by herding the athletes in and out quickly and getting to the performances of the international acts.

Somehow, though, in between the dudes with their heads on fire, the Vancouver mayor waving the flag from his wheel chair (awesome, by the way - ed.) and the hundreds of Nordic chicks with torches, we found the ceremonies incredibly boring. Then Avril Lavigne came on board to warble and cause us to almost drink a bullet cocktail.

Terrible performances. Just... ugh. Ricky Martin? Did Mexico even have a Winter Olympics team? We never even made it through to the end. After watching probably 70% of the coverage shown, including the replays of the hockey games from the middle of the day, we couldn't face the closing ceremonies all the way through. It was goddamn painful. Hopefully Vancouver will realize this in 2010, and instead of having awful musical acts while dudes with fire ponytails short track skate in circles, Canada will get some of its native born daughters like Pamela Anderson and Elisha Cuthbert to wrestle each other in frigid water for three hours. Now that we would watch.

Adios Olympic games. See you in Beijing in 2008.

Ford Motor Company Proves One Way to Get Cheaper Labor; Torture Union Bosses
Topic: Cars/Automotive

Just, wow. Ford Motor Company is being sued by Argentinian labor officials for kidnapping and torture today. The officials claimed that during the country's "Dirty War" period of 1976 - 1983, they were taken from their homes, beaten and electrically shocked during the then-dictatorship's "cleansing" of hostiles and dissidents.

Ford has been mute on the point, but now that they're being sued in a civil for assisting with the kidnappings of the union officials, it could come to bite them even more in the ass when they should be capitalizing on GM turning into a walking pile of shit.

Mercedes was also involved with kidnapped employees during this time, and even though 15 of the 18 were never found, they're not mentioned anywhere in the suit. And people wonder why we bought a Subaru...


CNN MONEY via JALOPNIK

One More Roach-Related Reason We Don't Eat at Domino's Pizza
Topic: National News

Because the founder is planning on building a town where you MUST be Catholic to live. That's right. Tom Monaghan, Mr. Domino's Pizza himself, is building his own town in Florida called Ave Maria which will ban abortion, contraceptives, porn and of course, Jews.

We'll let you read the article for yourselves, because the more we think about this, the more we want to start a fourth Crusade against this shit-bomb of holiness. Seriously, we can't wait for the first hurricane to wipe this place off the map, because then we can point and laugh while calling it an act of God.


THE TIMES

P.S. - Wouldn't God be angry at this guy anyway? He created a character in the late 1980s that bore false idol to millions of Americans? "Avoid the Noid?" Are we the only ones remembering this? He had his own goddamn videogame! This town is getting plunged straight into the fourth level of hell...

Fake Writer Watch Continues! Da Vinci Code Da Fake?
Topic: Embarrassment

Dan Brown is thought of as a literary genius, a god among writers and a man who seems to have taken some ideas from before. D'oh!

Two English authors are now claiming that Brown stole source material and ideas from their 1982 book The Holy Blood and the Holy Grail. While Random House says whatever, they are the publisher of both books, which makes this story of fake writer ship even more interesting.

We're not going to ruin Brown's book (or the upcoming movie - ed.) by giving away the plot, but we will say that the plot of Holy Blood involved Jesus marrying Mary Madeline and having a child from which the bloodline continues today. The Da Vinci Code pretty much says the same.

“In brief, the complaint appears to be that ’The Holy Blood and the Holy Grail’ discloses the idea that Jesus was married to Mary Magdalene, that they had children which survived and married into a line of French kings, that the lineage continues today, and that there is a secret society based in France which has the objective of restoring this lineage to the thrones not only of France but to the thrones of other European nations as well, and that (‘The Da Vinci Code’) uses some of this idea,” the plaintiffs' attorney said.

We guess that the authors are just looking for more money, but since their book has sold 36 million copies since its release, we don't see why. Unless they have a dime a week coke and hooker habit, but in that case, they could just make up some shit, call it a memoir, and go by the name James Frey. Sorry, we're still bitter about that.


MSNBC

DON KNOTTS LEAVES US!
Topic: Entertainment

A sad day for those of us who appreciate good physical comedy and The Andy Rooney Show. Don Knotts, or "Barney Fife" has passed away today at 81.

We'll miss you Don! Thanks for all the laughs!

:crying:

Don't Trust H&R Block to Do Your Taxes!
Topic: National News

Every year, millions of Americans turn to Turbo Tax or H&R Block to file their federal income tax with the IRS. Because they have professional accountants working on their taxes, they are certain everything will be completed in a timely fashion and 100% correct.

Well, you might want to look somewhere else, because H&R Block misfiled their taxes last year and, in an accounting error, the nation's largest preparer of income tax reports owes the federal government $32 million in unpaid back taxes.

Say it with us. Ouch.


MSNBC

2006 Olympic Watch! Back From the Grave
Topic: Sports

Curling, the combination of janitorial services, shuffleboard and horseshoes that is taking the winter Olympics by storm, is probably one of the greatest, most ridiculous sports in the world. But damned if the Scandinavian folks in the north part of the United States didn't take it seriously.

And the U.S. men's team just won bronze, beating out Britain 8-6. Just wanted to pass that along, since you never see curling in prime time, because the half naked pixies are just too damn provocative on the ice. Okay, seriously, maybe one more figure skating mention will come out of us. The exhibition is tonight, so after that, it's all done and we can go back to lusting over inappropriately aged actresses.

Congratulations American Curling Team! You swept your rocks into our hearts! Or something.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

2006 Olympic Watch! The End is Near...
Topic: Sports

We have a mere two days of games remaining before the Olympic flame is extinguished again for another four years. Now we get what you're saying: "James, what the hell do you mean? The summer Olympics will be held in 2008, right?"

That's right, but you're stupid and the summer games suck when compared to the winter games, so shut your stupid hole. Okay, they're not that bad, but they don't have half naked tiny 22-year-old girls throwing their hot selves around an ice rink for our viewing pleasure, so they'll never even come close to being as kick ass as the Winter Olympics.

Now look away if you don't want to see one of tonight's results that just occurred:

SASHA COHEN YOU BROKE OUR HEART!

Our fragile, fragile heart! How could you fall? TWICE? You're the "Sexy Gypsy!" You're better than that. But you got the Silver medal. Congratulations. You're adorable, have the flexibility of Gumby and are just a hair less gorgeous than ice skating teammate Tanith Belben. We'll let it slide, only because you got beaten by the Japanese.

Which allows us to say congratulations to the Japanese, who with the Gold medal in figure skating finally got their first medal of the 2006 Winter Olympics. Yeah. Wow.

So figure skating is done for the Olympics. America got two medals; one in Ice Dancing and one in Women's Individual. Johnny Weir flamed it up and then blew out (i can't tell whether that's a double entendre or not. good show sir! - ed. and thank you. i try.). The USA Pairs team SUCKED. Our two teenage girls got sixth and seventh, so jolly good for them. You can see them jail bait it up tonight on NBC.


NBC OLYMPICS

P.S. - And yes, we're aware we just said we watched figure skating. But think about it: hot, young, white girl ass flying through the air in flesh-colored tunics contorting their bodies in ways that make porn stars jealous. That's what we thought. Shut up.

James Frey Loses Book Deal; Will Only Be "Rich" and Not "Mega-Rich" for Rest of His Life
Topic: Embarrassment

After many weeks of fake memoirist James Frey popping in and out of this web site, we're happy to report that our favorite "memoirist" has lost his book deal, and the seven figures it would bring him. Now, he'll just have to live off of the remaining megabucks that his book sales are bringing him as they rise above 3 million.

Seriously folks, don't you get it? He made it up. It's not real. STOP BUYING IT. Even Warners looks like they're going to shelve the movie. If the book isn't real enough to get made into a shitty movie, then you should probably stay away from it. And if you are currently reading it, throw it away. Trust me, you'll get more satisfaction.


NY POST via GAWKER

Brutalize an Animal for Your Holiday Pleasure
Topic: Stupidity

As fish owners, we know pretty much nothing about the species of fish called African Cichlids. We've actually never heard of the red parrot cichlid, which apparently was created by breeding and, as a result, is completely infertile. The fish exists because humans create it.

Now, some Hong Kong's Aquaria Mall has decided to torture this tiny fish even more by laser tattooing greetings on the scales of its body. While the company swears the low intensity lasers don't pass through the fishies' scales, the laser burn is permanent.

"Firstly, we need to select the appropriate fish and use only low intensity laser beams. We only engrave on the fishes' scales, not through them. We also had concerns over the possibility of animal abuse, but to date the mortality rate has been zero. The fishes don't even bleed", spokesman Alan Lee said.

So there you have it. Grandmother sick? Get her a "Get Well Soon" abused fish. And nothing says "Happy Birthday, Sis," like a laser etched sterile fish.


SPLOID

South Dakota Kills Roe vs. Wade, Not Babies!
Topic: National News

South Dakota officially became the first state to ban abortion, putting an end to the gambling on which state would effectively challenge the 1973 decision Roe vs. Wade. Now it's pretty much impossible to get an abortion anywhere in the state. Word on the street is that coat hangers will soon be banned too.

So now all of you SD sluts will have to take your soiled vaginas somewhere else to have your unwanted fetus vacuumed out. We recommend North Dakota. It's close by, and you can get laid after you're done crying into your Sex on the Beach.

But seriously, this is ridiculous. In 1992, the law was upheld in Planned Parenthood vs. Casey, and it will probably be upheld here. Why? Because Americans like to hump, and nothing is going to change that. Condoms, morning after pills, etc. You can't take away our last line of defense. We might have to start a family!


REUTERS via YAHOO! NEWS