Topic: Embarrassment
The epic that was the Carolina Panther cheerleader bathroom sex scandal has whimpered its way to a close, loosening the pants of thousands of men across the nation, as uber-hot Renee Thomas and brown bagger Angela Keathley ended their hold on our johnsons in less than excitable fashion.Keathley was not charged with any crime, yet Thomas was found guilty of assault and a litany of other petty crap and sentenced to a year of probation, 50 hours of community service and a $400 fine. Plus, neither will be allowed to cash in on this whole process, meaning that there won't be any Playboy spreads with the girls provocatively stroking each other's inner thighs while sitting on a pile of banana leaves in the Amazon. This can only mean one thing: the judge was a woman.
DEADSPIN
PREVIOUSLY: THE SHAGGING CHEERLEADERS 2
Posted by James
at 4:12 PM CST
Are you old and confused about cellular, or "mobile" phone technology? If so, then we apologize that you stumbled upon this site, because all we're going to do is make you confused and fidgety until you get your medicine. But a company named Emporia has created a cell phone just for you.
An Australian man was stopped and charged with excessively driving in reverse after going more than 25 miles backwards down the Hume Highway between Melbourne and Sidney. His reasoning was simply that it was the only gear in the car that still worked, and he had to drive 56 miles home.
Krispy Kreme fell on rough times during the Atkins craze, as stocks plummeted and America ate less and less donuts. Out of this came new inventions. KK wedding cakes. Frozen KKs in your grocery store. And now KK has teamed with MLB to create a hybrid burger/donut for one lucky minor league team.
For those like us that did nothing but watch the 24 marathon on WGN all weekend, it came as a surprise that one of the most evil men with one of the goofiest names died Saturday in his prison cell in the Hague of an apparent heart attack. Slobodan Milosevic was being held prisoner pending his trial on war crimes and genocide for his part in the killings of millions of Bosnians, Croatians and Kosovons during the late 1990s in Yugoslavia.
President Bush must be cursing his standing up for the United Arab Emirates ports deal, since it's caused his ratings to plummet back towards the mid-30s and has even taken him out of favor in his won party. With just 37 percent of the American people not giving their approval for the President, and his Republican support dropping from 82 percent to 74 percent, it's a wonder he doesn't just show up on TV and give everyone the bird. At least that way he'd get the youth vote again.
Many famous inventors and scientists have lamented their creations only after they have been unleashed upon the world. But Robert Probst is perhaps the only to do so from the grave.
In an attempt to help stop sexual harassment in the office, a Mexican company is creating a line of sex dolls in executive and business attire. They're meant to be taken to work and put in a woman's office in her place, which would thus scare the men because it helps to show that women are not objects.
The Dubai company that was to take over management control of major United States ports withdrew its bid today, saying that they will turn over control to a U.S.-owned company to help quelch bad thoughts between America and the United Arab Emirates. This announcement comes only hours after politicians against the ports deal stood up, beat their chest and held out their arms at Bush in a gangland style of saying "bring it on sucka duck."
We're going to be running some routine maintenance (i.e. pulling a dead raccoon out of the server with a broom handle - ed.) this morning, so posting will be delayed until we can get him and his fur coat out of our processor. See you back here this afternoon.
Russia is nothing but a bunch of smelly, frozen mush-headed, poverty stricken socialists. There, we said it. Iran, on the other hand, are equally as smelly, burnt to a crisp, we don't know what they eat but it's in their heads, and they have more money Islamo-fascists.
Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi is known for being a master businessman who is able to raise crumbled corporations out of nothing and turn them into successes. As a government leader, he finally realized he needed to help out not only the country, but the entire world by giving some complicated financial advise that would help the poverty stricken endure and come out ahead. Prepare yourself for some of the greatest money advise you have ever heard in your entire life:
The Roman Catholic archdiocese of Dublin announced today that they will begin investigating a massive number of priests for inappropriate behavior with young children. That total number since 1940 is 350 complaints involving 102 children.
After reporting of the accidental "sex with a horse in Seattle" death of a man late last year, we would've thought that surely that was enough major bestiality stories for at least six months, right? We were entirely wrong, as this trove of horrendous drunken behavior movies further East and landing in Mesa, Arizona, where it has struck a local deputy fire chief.
We here at The Heart of Darko have never claimed to be the world's best spellers. We're pretty good, if we do say so ourselves, but we're also easily distracted. But if we were an incredibly famous entertainer who has won every award conceivable in our multitude of chosen fields, we'd be sure that we got a spell checker before putting something inflammatory about someone's intelligence on the Internet.
Your grandmother might have taken you bowling at a young age, thus giving you a skill that you are still able to thrust in your drunk friends' faces whenever you put on those special, leather-soled shoes, but this grandmother could kick your granny's ass.
Because a nice settlement just said sure why not allow the Blackberry community to keep their gatekeepers to the modern world, we're adding a new topic to our list; technology.