Topic: Weird Shit
Much like the Carpet Pisser in The Big Lebowski, violent gangs of thugs are breaking into South African homes and vandalizing homes, shitting on expensive rugs, and generally being unruly. The only difference between these gangs and the Carpet Pisser and his marmot? This gang is made of baboons.So why don't the residents fight back? Because baboons could rip a human apart in seconds, and there are over 20 in at least one of the gangs, and surprisingly, they're mostly male. So when residents back off from their homes, the primates run amok, eating their food and wiping their asses on the freshly replaced white suede couch.
"I was sitting outside one day, the kids were swimming in the pool, when Eric just flew through the burglar bars and into the house," said Debbie Ellis, who lives in the Imhoff's Gift district. Eric is the alpha male of the local troop.
"It was a bit frightening to see a five-foot-four male baboon standing behind my three-year-old goddaughter."
But now residents are beginning to fight back with guns, dogs and electric fences. That's right Eric; you've just shat on your last fruit bowl.
MSNBC
Posted by James
at 3:56 PM CDT
The small country of Qatar is notorious not for being in Latin America, as 80 percent of the world thinks, but for having more money than Jesus. Qatar is the number one provider of natural gas in the world, meaning that every time you turn on your stove, a sheik lights a cigarette with a Chinese orphan, just because they "burn so cleanly."
Senator Lloyd Bentsen was an old school Democrat of the highest order. Back when they did not complain; they fixed. He passed away this morning at the age of 85 in Houston, Texas.
A drunken Lithuanian truck driver was pulled over for driving his rig down the center of a highway Tuesday morning. The truck driver registered such a high amount of alcohol in his blood that the police believed their equipment was malfunctioning.
Thank god that is finally over and done with. The Dallas Mavericks finally put away the Spurs last night in usual overtime-play fashion. If we had to watch one more game, our goddamn heart would've exploded. So congratulations to both teams. It was a tremendous series that unfortunately came one round too early. But the Mavericks proved they were the better team, and they have won.
Can't wait for five good hours of basketball to start? Ha! Wait up chump. The season finale of the best show on TV, 24, is tonight... starting at 7:00PM CST and going for two hours straight. Two hours of straight up Jack Bauer ass kickery, and you've got thw choice between that and two of the greatest NBA series in recent history.
The report that came out late last week claiming that Presidential Adviser Karl Rove had been indicted on perjury charges by a grand jury, and was widely spread around the Internet, turned out to be the fabrication of a one former alcoholic cokehead reporter who writes for a liberal web site we've never heard of.
Workers in a British french fry cutting plant were evacuated on Saturday after a hand grenade and pieces of a bomb from World War II were found in sacks of potatoes waiting to be cut up.
We find it interesting that other countries can take polls regarding which other countries they hate the most, and it only ranks a 1 on the world's "Give A Shit Meter." If the United States makes any sort of possibly derogatory statement, effigies and flags are burned at an alarming rate and the talk of suicide bombers in embassies reaches a fever pitch.
Iran has made another move ensuring either sanctions against their country or the complete bombing of Tehran by introducing a new plan to tag all Christians and Jews in their country with colored bands to indicate they are not of the Muslim faith, recalling the lead-up to the Holocaust, with Nazi Germany making Jews wear bands on their arms with the Star of David and making them walk in the gutter. And boy are the human rights groups PISSED.
Are two octogenarians responsible for the hit and run deaths of two homeless men to gather over $2 million in life insurance? It would appear to be so. The two women offered them shelter and an apartment for up to two years while using their signatures to open over a dozen insurance policies on each and naming themselves the beneficiaries.
The Senate Judiciary Committee just approved a bill to write a Constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage in the United States, which, correct us if we're wrong, would be against the Constitution and Bill of Rights, but we're sure the Senators know better than us.
The rotation appears to have come full circle, as Anne Lewis is back to point out some useless facts in this week's Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee email asking for money and support. The following are a few tidbits from the email and our retort to this pearls of wisdom.
Proving again that McDonald's sucks, Burger King opened their IPO today (Initial Public Offering for people that don't know... like us - ed.) to raise approximately $425 million in capital, which will help pay off their $350 million debt. After that? Shoot, executives are going to Hawaii.
The rumor for the past few decades is that former union boss Jimmy Hoffa was buried somewhere in Giants stadium in New Jersey after disappearing in 1975. Last year, a former Hoffa ally was proved to be just another senile old man after bring out the FBI to his house and having them rip up the floor boards looking for blood, which turned out to be his cat's or a mouse's or from his nose or whatever.
A young woman in Germany who could not afford to pay her gas bill left her friend with the station attendant as a deposit while she ran home to get some money. However, two hours later, everyone was wondering where she was at.
In Dallas, it's not uncommon to find a convertible full of under 21 girls screaming and laughing while not wearing their seat belts and only covering their bathing suit area with a tank top and a pair of shorts. That's one of the reasons why we moved here. But listen up, hotties, because both of those things you so hate can save your life.
While we am sure many of you have already read this story, more information has come to light that we feel we must share. Yesterday afternoon, 18 teachers from Lake Highlands High School in Dallas were taken to the hospital complaining of dizziness, nausea and elevated heart rates after eating muffins left in the teacher's lounge.