Kinky Friedman Gets His Signatures, Runnin' For Texas Gov!
Topic: Texas Politics

Kinky Friedman, that lovable Jewish cowboy/singer with the maverick political sense and strong support base, received 169,574 signatures (one of them, proudly, is ours - ed.) to get his name on the 2006 ballet for Governor of the State of Texas. An independent candidate needs only 45,540 to run, so even with the comptrollers counting them up, he's in and ready to go.

Says Kinky:

"All I can say is, thank God for bars and dance halls."

So now it's time to ramp up that fan base. Because of this moment, we're going to put another sticker on our car when we get home. Because nothing says "Vote for This Dude" more than an ancient, high-mileage speeding white Volvo with death metal screaming out the windows.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

KINKY FRIEDMAN

Pink Bats Coming to Embarrass Major League Baseball
Topic: Sports

The Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation has done some fantastic thing for women worldwide. Especially their breasts. And we love us some breasts. But before we praise their breast work anymore, we should note how they have decided to have MLB players swing away this weekend with pink Louisville Sluggers.

We understand that Mother's Day is important and that breast cancer research is necessary to the health of everyone's mothers, but pink bats? We thought the New York Yankees were a team of homos before (Yankees? Get it? Yank-ees? - ed.), but this has taken it a step to far. Perhaps the NBA should play with pink balls this weekend and oh my god that totally came out wrong.

We're dropping this subject.


FOX SPORTS

Hybrid Bear's Reign of Terror Ended by Multiple Gunshot Wounds
Topic: World News

A group of American sports hunters took down a large white bear recently and noticed that it did not look like the bear from the Coca-Cola commercials. Instead, this marauding monster has been confirmed as the wild's first animal hybrid and has been discovered to be half grizzly and half polar bear.

"We've known it's possible, but actually most of us never thought it would happen," said Ian Stirling, a polar bear biologist.

So Canada, you better prepare yourself for a lifetime of bear-humping changes going on. Breed your poodles to Rottweilers to create massively puffy killing beasts to protect your homes, because the hybrid bears are coming!


MSNBC

Greatest NBA Playoffs in History Occurring RIGHT NOW!
Topic: Sports

We usually attempt to keep our sports fanaticism to a minimum, knowing full well you don't visit here to see us drool over our favorite teams. But since the Dallas Mavericks (yes, our fav team - ed.) have an actual chance at going all the way to the finals, we've been paying attention to the world of NBA basketball even more this year, and we can say, without a doubt, this is the best playoffs we have ever watched.

Despite a couple of first round games that were none too exciting, the second round is a virtual cornucopia of "who knows?" games.

SUNS vs. CLIPPERS - It looked after game 1 that the Clippers had no chance of doing anything. They came back last night and thumped the Suns at home in a late game. Wow.

HEAT vs. NETS - The News took command early in the series with a commanding win in Miami, only to be smashed up in game 2 by 22 points.

CAVS vs. PISTONS - Okay, this one is going like people expected. The Pistons cannot be stopped.

MAVS vs. SPURS - Dallas won their first road playoff game in San Antonio Tuesday by blowing out the Spurs after losing by only 2 points in game one. Watch out for the Mavs; they're pissed because no one took them seriously.

You get a break tonight from the playoff games and earn a chance to catch your breath and digest all that beer. It starts again Friday night with the Suns/Clippers in LA and Heat/Nets in Jersey.

Howard Stern to Stay With Sirius Radio, Off of Terrestrial; Thank God
Topic: Entertainment

Yesterday we reported that Howard Stern was thinking of coming back to terrestrial radio and simulcast his show. Today he has said that he will not.

"I'm very flattered terrestrial radio can't let go of me," Stern said on his morning radio show. "But I would throw up if I had to go back. I'm never going back. The story is I wouldn't do it (terrestrial radio) for any reason. Not for money. I left because I couldn't stand the censorship. I couldn't stand" the Federal Communications Commission.

Then Stern took a jab at Opie & Anthony, who simulcast their show on Howard's old radio network, CBS (ha! - ed.), and on XM satellite radio. Stern said the reason they do their simulcast is because they failed in satellite radio, even though they have their own channel dedicated to their show. So now it's down to slap-fighting satellites. Great, this is gonna make some great radio. Break new ground, Howard, break new ground, you twat.


MSN TV NEWS

Warhol Soup Can Painting Sets Record at $11.8 Million; Tonight, We Paint a Can of Beans
Topic: Entertainment

Andy Warhol is a fantastic wacko, full of odd ideas and creative artistic something or other that cannot be called talent. His Andy Warhol's Frankenstein is one of the worst horror movies ever made. His hair is obnoxious, he's an odd dresser, but the man knew how to paint a can of Campbell's soup.

Now, Warhol's "Pepper Pot" painting from that series has set a record at auction where it sold for $11.8 million. Says auction house Christie's, who sold the piece:

The painting "registers the passage of time and conveys a preoccupation with degradation, exuding destruction and frailty."

Or it's a can of fucking soup with a torn label. It doesn't have a "preoccupation" with degradation. It can't have a preoccupation with anything. It's fucking soup! It's a thing, not a human!

See, this is why we're not famous artists. Not because we lack the talent, but we lack the bullshit excuse to give when someone asks us what the bowl of fruit stands for.


BREITBART

Oh Shit, There's Another One of Them
Topic: Politics

President Bush has just informed America that his brother, and current Florida governor, Jeb Bush, would make an excellent President. But maybe Jeb has seen the polarizing ways of the name "Bush" and has decided not to go near that train wreck.

"I think Jeb would be a great president. But it's up to Jeb to make a decision to run," the President said. "I have no idea what he's going to do. I've asked him that question myself. I truly don't think he knows."

Did we dodge a bullet here? Bush is off playing pen pal with Iran. His dad's going all hand-holding, Brokeback Air Force One with Clinton, and his daughters actually got jobs. Jesus Christ this is one off family.


BREITBART

Fat Bastard Makes it Cross Country Using Only his Feet, no Wheelbarrow
Topic: Weird Shit

A frighteningly obese man who was so depressed after killing two elderly people in a car accident finally finished his penance walk across America last evening, over one year after he began it. Steve Vaught also dropped 100 pounds during the approximately 3,000 mile trip, now weighing in at about 310 pounds. So he's still as big as a buffalo, but at least only as much as a heifer.

"This is not about obsessing about numbers, or times, or dates, or miles," he said. "It's just about going on a walk and sort of having time to get things straight."

So there you have it. Steve Vaught is Forrest Gump. Perhaps he should walk back to California. It would help him lose more weight and he could do it for some cause. But at least he's got a sense of humor about everything, as he chronicled his trip on thefatmanwalking.com, which we recommend visiting, if now just for the brief memory before you start worry about Iran's nukes.

WHAT? IRAN HAS NUKES? JESUS CHRIST!


MSNBC

THE FAT MAN WALKING

Howard Stern to Pull an Opie & Anthony and Stab Sirius in the Back?
Topic: Entertainment

There's no hiding that we're not fans of Howard Stern. It's not only because we outgrew his brand of humor in high school (possibly junior high - ed.), but because everything on his show revolves around the fact that he's better than everyone else. The man is the ultimate prima donna. That and he's on Sirius Satellite Radio, and we're XM fans.

But now, it appears that Howard is going to go after Opie & Anthony, who we are fans of, by hitting out on the terrestrial radio ground too. O&A made a deal with XM and then agreed to clean up the first hour and a half of their show for normal free radio. They took off in popularity, and Howard took $500 million of Sirius's money to come work for them.

Well Howard must not like his Sirius bosses either, because he's thinking about selling his show to terrestrial radio as well, which would pretty much anger everyone at the satellite network.

Perhaps it is because Stern only gets 10 percent of his former audience and people have forgotten about him. But what we do know is that if he does stick it to his new company and head back to Earth-bound radio, it will pretty much prove that he's the biggest sell out in the radio business. Start the evisceration of Howard, O&A. We'll be listening.


NY POST

Scientists Discover Lesbian's Brains Behave Differently; Duh
Topic: Technology

Science has always looked to cure or prove wrong what they don't understand. First God, now gays. A study at The National Academy of Science has just proven that when it comes to sex hormones, lesbians act differently than straight women, to which we say a resounding "no shit dude."

"It shows sexual orientation may very well have a different basis between men and women ... this is not just a mirror image situation," said Sandra Witelson, an expert on brain anatomy and sexual orientation at the Michael G. DeGroote School of Medicine at McMaster University in Hamilton, Ontario.

"The important thing is to be open to the likely situation that there are biological factors that contribute to sexual orientation."

Ah, so the ramifications (pardon the gross pun - ed.) are quite resounding in this case then. Lesbians? Born that way. Effeminate gay men? Learned it from watching My Little Pony ads when they were young.

But the pheromone study has proven that gay women and straight men found the female's natural scent more appealing than the male's. However, the male subjects took the scent only in the scent area, whereas the lesbians took it immediately to the hypothalamus, which controls sexual desire. So this study is both inconclusive and kind of hot, proving that true lesbians, and not of the drunk college girl and porn star variety, truly are hornier than met. We hear a Cinemax late night movie blooming!


ASSOCIATED PRESS

Skull & Bones Society Has Geronimo's Skull!
Topic: Weird Shit

College clubs, such as fraternities and societies, all have weird traditions and rumors surrounding past experiences and possible goings-ons. What no one expected, however, was to find a letter confirming the validity that Yale's Skull & Bones society truly did have the skull of the famous Native American warrior Geronimo, taken from his grave in Fort Sill, Oklahoma.

“The skull of the worthy Geronimo the Terrible, exhumed from its tomb at Fort Sill by your club ... is now safe inside the (Tomb) together with his well worn femurs, bit & saddle horn,” according to a letter, written by Winter Mead.

Some researchers are stating that this is full of crap, however, as there is no concrete evidence the bones are Geronimo's.

“What I think we could probably say is they removed some skull and bones and other materials from a grave at Fort Sill,” said researcher Marc Wortman. “Historically, it may be impossible to prove it’s Geronimo’s. They believe it’s from Geronimo.”

So now the inspection of the skull for markings has begun, and it will probably be years before we hear anything again. Just remember this; Geronimo was a great leader and warrior. The movie based on his life? Not so much.


MSNBC

Convicted 9/11 Terrorist Wants to Withdraw Guilty Plea After Trial Already Over!
Topic: National News

Already sentenced to life in prison many, many times over, convicted 9/11 conspirator Zacarias Moussaoui has now asked to have his guilty plea withdrawn and to get a new trial. His reason? He didn't think he could get a fair trial beforehand, and now he knows he can, so he doesn't have to knowingly lie on the stand.

WTF?

U.S. District Judge Leonie Brinkema, who presided over his case, told him during his first appearance in court in April of last year "You do not have a right to appeal your convictions, as was explained to you when you plead guilty. You waived that right."

So what's up? Is he gonna get a new trial? We doubt it. And we doubt that even if he does, it'll matter. In fact, if he's found guilty again, he'll probably get the death penalty. And we believe a stipulation is that the entire Congress of the USA should be allowed to pee on his corpse before burial. But you know, that most likely won't be allowed. Dang.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

President Bush Gets New Pen Pal; Iran Tries Some of Their Own Strategery
Topic: World News

Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has become President Bush's latest pen pal, writing to see if the two can't work something out diplomatically with Iran's nuclear proliferation. However, the letter did not come regular mail, but rather had to be sent through the American Swiss embassy, where Iran still has a diplomatic contact. But National Intelligence Director John Negroponte has a different opinion as to why Ahmadinejad is sending this letter.

“Given the fact that the issue of Iran is before the United Nations at this time, certainly one of the hypotheses you’d have to examine is whether and in what way the timing of the dispatch of that letter is connected with trying in some manner to influence the debate before the Security Council,” Negroponte told reporters.

Uh oh.

Maybe Tehran screwed up. We think their bluff was called, but the problem is that despite the U.N.'s anger over this and the USA thinking about possible nuking the shit out of their little desert country, we still can't do anything because of Russia and China, who are both in Iran's corner.

Solution? Cold War 2.


MSNBC

Keith Richards Cannot Die
Topic: Entertainment

There are certain entertainment figures, usually in the music world, that outlive their life expectancies by a good measure. Iggy Pop comes readily to mind. However, Keith Richards is not a man at all, but the living dead. We are sure of this.

After either falling out of a tree or eating shit on a ski slope or wrecking a jet ski, the walking skeleton and Rolling Stones guitarist just had head surgery to relieve swelling around his brain caused by his massive concussion. While the world waits with breath that is baited to hear of his speedy recovery (he's walking around already - ed.), we can't help but think how the only thing that must be sustaining Richards is the remnants of heroin, LSD and nicotine that has moved out of his blood and fused itself to his very DNA.

Keith Richards is an immortal. He is either a zombie or some form of vampire. This man has ceased to be human, because if we put that much shit into our system for the past four decades and then threw our body around with the reckless abandon of a teenager, we would've died half a century ago.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Your Cinco de Mayo To Do Weekend Guide
Topic: Entertainment

We're out of hear early today as we're headed down to Austin for a night of debauchery before an early morning of golf and a buddy's wedding, before one more night of debauchery. So we've created a little To Do guide for your weekend as a parting gift and apology for being so hellaciously lazy this past week and a half.

CINCO DE MAYO - Not just for Chicanos anymore! But seriously, it's today, so drink up. Just like on Saint Patrick's Day, everyone's Mexican today! Make sure that you have your social security card tomorrow though to verify you're really not, cause they're cracking down on immigrants.

THE KENTUCKY DERBY - Yes that wonderful time of year where everybody once again pays attention to a sport they haven't thought about for ten months begins again as the first, and most famous, leg of the Triple Crown begins. We think the perfect name for a racing thoroughbred would be "The Glue Factory." Especially if he was fast. Because then you could make the comments that all the other horses in his races were killed by The Glue Factory. Awesome.

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE III - Finally, Tom Cruise will disappear from your minds until his next "serious" movie like The Last Samurai or Magnolia comes out. No, but really, stay the fuck away from this one. Give Tom a box office flop and maybe we wouldn't have to hear his brand of crazy for at least another like, five months.

The Damn Weekly DSCC Email Update; Bush Isn't Evil, Just Incompetent
Topic: Politics

We thought we had made it. Almost one full week without an email from the damn Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee. But our hopes were dashed as we saw it resting comfortably in our Inbox, beckoning us to open it and say hello. But this week had a decent draw; a note from Joe Biden, Democratic Senator from Delaware and one of the only Democrats who isn't a complete useless waste of flesh.

So what did Joey B. have to say? Well let's take a look.

In Iraq, a dictator is gone, and that's a good thing. But we may be on the verge of trading him for chaos and a haven for terror. Osama bin Laden remains at large, despite tough rhetoric from the White House. The failed response to Hurricane Katrina - a natural disaster we knew was coming - raises serious concerns over how we would deal with another surprise terrorist attack. - The entire note so far has been about national security. And Biden makes good points. And then he brings up Katrina and never mentions it again. This Democratic ploy has been as overused recently as 9/11 has by the GOP. Enough already!

The hardest fact of all is this: we do not have a strategy to protect America, or leadership in Washington that can put us back on track. Democrats have a plan for real security that focuses on two overriding and connected challenges. - Ah, the Democrats don't have a strategy. Instead, they have a plan. But they still won't tell us what it is, which is why they will continue to lose elections.

The American people are starting to see the administration's policies of military preemption and stubborn ideology are not making us more secure. Only a Democratic Senate can put a stop to these failed strategies. - Sorry, but he had us until the last sentence. We can look past the Katrina mention and the lack of what we call "plan disclosure." But the only thing that will even out the balance of power that Biden speaks of is not a Democratic Senate. It's a bi-partisan Senate. As soon as both parties realize this, our country will be better off.


DSCC

The Problem With the Newsmakers
Topic: Media

We haven't hit up the old media topic in a while, so we figured it was time to drop in and bitch. Today is all about what exactly is wrong with people who report the news. In this case, Internet news sites.

We don't mean Drudge Report or My Way News or anything like that. We're talking Yahoo! News, where we get most of our information. We considered it unbiased reporting that had a very left-minded opinion section. Before people begin to complain about us bitching about the MSM, we were journalism majors. We know there's a left-leaning bias in the news, but as long as they take their views and just report what's going on, we don't care how salacious it is.

Please look at the image at the bottom of this post for a second. Specifically, what we have circled in red. Then come back up here. We'll give you a second.

Notice anything? The goddamn negativity. Yes, we're angry a lot and negative, but this is a blog used for the reporting or ridiculous news. It's also full of opinions. We can get mad if we like. Yahoo! News is supposed to report what's happening. The first headline in the Business section is excellent; Dow Passes 11,500, Hits Fresh 6-Year High.

Perfect headline. Says "hey, we're doing all right." Then look at what follows; Payrolls Grow Smallest Amount Since October. Well thanks, dicks. It's not "Payrolls Continue Growth" and then mention how they're not growing quite as quickly as before in the article. Oh no. It's "Payrolls Grow Smallest Amount Since October." The point?

THEY'RE STILL GROWING. What's the point of being negative man? They're still growing? It's not like the Dow Jones is up and everything else is tanking. Jesus media people, crack a smile. Someone in NYC buy these guys a hooker. They need some relaxation therapy.

Taking the "Worm in the Bottle" Fascination Too Far, Hungarian Style
Topic: Weird Shit

Keyser Sose, that madman from The Usual Suspects would be proud of whoever left a surprise at the bottom of a barrel of rum.

A group of Hungarian workers who were renovating a house in Budapest and found a large barrel of rum decided it was time to drink away their workdays. Noticing a appetizing flavor, they began to the bottle the drink and take it home with them. But a nasty little surprise waited for them at the bottom, and as they drained the barrel and opened it up to see what was so heavy that was still inside, a pickled nude corpse of a man came tumbling out.

Turns out a woman in Jamaica 20 years ago lost her spouse and put him inside the barrel to ship him back to his home country without incurring the cost of shipping a body. But no one had any idea why she sent them rum and the body sat at the home waiting to be violated in a truly disgusting manner.

So now when you see a bottle of or Tequila that contains a worm or pickled at the bottom, just think to yourself, "Hey, at least it's not a dude."


REUTERS via YAHOO! NEWS

Chinese Bishops Excommunicated! Wait... China Has Catholics?
Topic: World News

Pope Joey Rat showed his strong side this week as the Catholic church excommunicated four Chinese bishops after ordainment ceremonies had not been sanctioned by the Catholic church. Snap!

Two bishops who were ordained by the Chinese government and not the Vatican were removed from their positions and have been excommunicated from the church, meaning that after serving their whole lives for God, they're not going to be able to go to Heaven after they die. The two bishops who ordained them have been excommunicated too.

"The Holy See has in various occasions reiterated its willingness to have an honest and constructive dialog with the competent Chinese authorities to find solutions that would satisfy the legitimate requirements of both sides," Vatican spokesman Joaquin Navarro-Valls said.

"Initiatives such as those mentioned above not only don't favor this dialog, but instead create new obstacles against it."

Okay, we're gonna admit we don't know what the hell he's talking about with this "Holy See" thing and what not, but it pretty much blows to be one of the recently ordained bishops. You think to yourself, "Man, I made it this high. God has shined his love down on me and what? What do you mean I'm not a Bishop? It's not legal? And I can't be a Catholic anymore? Fuck!"

That's a bad day, man.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Texas Maid of Honor Takes Bullet During Reception!
Topic: Texas News

We're back! Rejoice, you little suckers. We said REJOICE!

But now we move on to a great story to return to. That is the tale of one Kristin Campbell, the maid of honor in her best friend's wedding in Houston, was partying hard looking for a guy to take home in shame and desperation when the lucky moment of the bouquet toss suddenly arrived. When Kristin made her NFL receiver like move to catch the bundle of slowly dying flowers, a bullet smashed through the reception halls ceiling and struck her in the arm, falling to the floor as Kristin began to bleed.

"I didn't hear anything. I just knew I had a hole in my arm," said Campbell. "It was painful, but it wasn't terrible, but it did feel like I was shot. There was really no other way to describe it."

Now, police and Ms. Campbell are in the search for the owner of the discharged shot, which was most likely fired into the air randomly from about a mile away. Luckily for Kristin Campbell, the wound wasn't a bleeder and she's going to be just fine. Plus, she's a cute girl from Texas with a kick ass "got shot" story, so she'll do just fine.


CLICK ON DETROIT