Keifer Sutherland vs. a Christmas Tree
Topic: Entertainment

Mostly due to 24, we're big Keifer Sutherland fans. So we laughed our asses off when heard of him taking down a Christmas tree in a swanky London hotel while wasted. Well, thanks to a new documentary starring Jack Bauer (as well as the good chaps at Defamer - ed.), we have the video of the Christmas Tree takedown.

Enjoy.

Mother's Day! Your Weekend To Do Guide
Topic: Housekeeping

What is there to do this weekend in this wonderfully dimwitted country of ours? Let's take a look to see how we can get you off the couch and spending some money for the good of our economy.

NBA PLAYOFFS - Tonight and on Saturday only, and don't go out and get drunk that night either, mister. You've got the Suns/Clippers at 10:80 tonight after the Nets/Cavs. Tomorrow sees the Mavs/Spurs and Pistons/Heat. Good games all around... except for the Pistons/Heat. That's like watching the Harlem Globetrotters play a team of kiddy pool-bound manatees.

MOTHER'S DAY - Celebrate your explosion from your mother's loins and the years of wine-dependent misery you brought upon her with a box of chocolates. Because she already knows you lost your salary on the Pistons/Heat game because you thought the Heat could beat the spread. Don't worry. She cleaned up your shit for years. She'll loan you twenty bucks for gas money.

TATTOOS FOR EVERYONE! - Get a "Mom" tattoo in celebration. Regret it the next day.

Corn at $2.65 a Bushel!
Topic: National News

DRUDGE PARODY! DRUDGE PARODY! DRUDGE PARODY! DRUDGE PARODY!

But seriously, corn shot up from $2.25 to $2.65 a bushel because of ethanol demands. So we guess that pretty much ends the argument about how ethanol is cheaper. For once the state of Nebraska is going to laugh at the rest of the country instead of the other way around.

Stupid corn huskers.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Fake Writer Watch! James Frey Admits Lying in Second Book Too
Topic: Embarrassment

After the media hullabaloo has finally blown over after it was reveal that the memoir of James Frey should have really been called A Million Little Lies, what else is there to do besides take your millions of dollars and hide out somewhere nobody will know you? Sit on a beach and get drunk? Bang a Thai hooker?

How about come out and admit your second "non-fiction" book, My Friend Leonard, should also be titled My Friend Lies? Sure, that'll work.

"To call this book pure nonfiction would be inaccurate," the author writes. "It is a combination of fact and fiction, real and imagined events."

Goddammit James Frey! What the hell is wrong with you? Jesus Christ! Truman Capote wrote things like this as well, but he acknowledged it. You just make shit up, like the entire opening of My Friend Lies involving Porterhouse and the 90 day jail sentence.

Man, shit. We actually read your books. Let's take a guess at what's true in these books; you are a real person. Is that the end of the truths?

We hate you James Frey. You're the biggest fraud in the literary world. That's right, we said it. Why don't you just kick us in the nuts while you're at it? As was said on the episode of South Park that wasn't nearly as hard on you as it should've been, "you're a towel."


MSN

Japanese Burglar Breaks in to Massage?
Topic: Weird Shit

A Korean man broke into a woman's Tokyo house, took her money, tied her up, and then proceeded to give her an hours-long shoulder massage to keep her relaxed and calm until he could go use her ATM card.

After pulling out roughly 980,000 yen from her bank account (exchange rate anyone? Bueller? - ed.), he then mailed back the card to her because she had asked him to do so.

This has got to be the nicest robber ever. If our apartment was ever broken into, umm, again, while we were home, we'd hope that the criminal would be an attractive Swedish woman who was into full body massage. We'd get tied up for a few hours for that.


REUTERS

Kinky Friedman Gets His Signatures, Runnin' For Texas Gov!
Topic: Texas Politics

Kinky Friedman, that lovable Jewish cowboy/singer with the maverick political sense and strong support base, received 169,574 signatures (one of them, proudly, is ours - ed.) to get his name on the 2006 ballet for Governor of the State of Texas. An independent candidate needs only 45,540 to run, so even with the comptrollers counting them up, he's in and ready to go.

Says Kinky:

"All I can say is, thank God for bars and dance halls."

So now it's time to ramp up that fan base. Because of this moment, we're going to put another sticker on our car when we get home. Because nothing says "Vote for This Dude" more than an ancient, high-mileage speeding white Volvo with death metal screaming out the windows.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

KINKY FRIEDMAN

Pink Bats Coming to Embarrass Major League Baseball
Topic: Sports

The Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation has done some fantastic thing for women worldwide. Especially their breasts. And we love us some breasts. But before we praise their breast work anymore, we should note how they have decided to have MLB players swing away this weekend with pink Louisville Sluggers.

We understand that Mother's Day is important and that breast cancer research is necessary to the health of everyone's mothers, but pink bats? We thought the New York Yankees were a team of homos before (Yankees? Get it? Yank-ees? - ed.), but this has taken it a step to far. Perhaps the NBA should play with pink balls this weekend and oh my god that totally came out wrong.

We're dropping this subject.


FOX SPORTS

Hybrid Bear's Reign of Terror Ended by Multiple Gunshot Wounds
Topic: World News

A group of American sports hunters took down a large white bear recently and noticed that it did not look like the bear from the Coca-Cola commercials. Instead, this marauding monster has been confirmed as the wild's first animal hybrid and has been discovered to be half grizzly and half polar bear.

"We've known it's possible, but actually most of us never thought it would happen," said Ian Stirling, a polar bear biologist.

So Canada, you better prepare yourself for a lifetime of bear-humping changes going on. Breed your poodles to Rottweilers to create massively puffy killing beasts to protect your homes, because the hybrid bears are coming!


MSNBC

Greatest NBA Playoffs in History Occurring RIGHT NOW!
Topic: Sports

We usually attempt to keep our sports fanaticism to a minimum, knowing full well you don't visit here to see us drool over our favorite teams. But since the Dallas Mavericks (yes, our fav team - ed.) have an actual chance at going all the way to the finals, we've been paying attention to the world of NBA basketball even more this year, and we can say, without a doubt, this is the best playoffs we have ever watched.

Despite a couple of first round games that were none too exciting, the second round is a virtual cornucopia of "who knows?" games.

SUNS vs. CLIPPERS - It looked after game 1 that the Clippers had no chance of doing anything. They came back last night and thumped the Suns at home in a late game. Wow.

HEAT vs. NETS - The News took command early in the series with a commanding win in Miami, only to be smashed up in game 2 by 22 points.

CAVS vs. PISTONS - Okay, this one is going like people expected. The Pistons cannot be stopped.

MAVS vs. SPURS - Dallas won their first road playoff game in San Antonio Tuesday by blowing out the Spurs after losing by only 2 points in game one. Watch out for the Mavs; they're pissed because no one took them seriously.

You get a break tonight from the playoff games and earn a chance to catch your breath and digest all that beer. It starts again Friday night with the Suns/Clippers in LA and Heat/Nets in Jersey.

Howard Stern to Stay With Sirius Radio, Off of Terrestrial; Thank God
Topic: Entertainment

Yesterday we reported that Howard Stern was thinking of coming back to terrestrial radio and simulcast his show. Today he has said that he will not.

"I'm very flattered terrestrial radio can't let go of me," Stern said on his morning radio show. "But I would throw up if I had to go back. I'm never going back. The story is I wouldn't do it (terrestrial radio) for any reason. Not for money. I left because I couldn't stand the censorship. I couldn't stand" the Federal Communications Commission.

Then Stern took a jab at Opie & Anthony, who simulcast their show on Howard's old radio network, CBS (ha! - ed.), and on XM satellite radio. Stern said the reason they do their simulcast is because they failed in satellite radio, even though they have their own channel dedicated to their show. So now it's down to slap-fighting satellites. Great, this is gonna make some great radio. Break new ground, Howard, break new ground, you twat.


MSN TV NEWS

Warhol Soup Can Painting Sets Record at $11.8 Million; Tonight, We Paint a Can of Beans
Topic: Entertainment

Andy Warhol is a fantastic wacko, full of odd ideas and creative artistic something or other that cannot be called talent. His Andy Warhol's Frankenstein is one of the worst horror movies ever made. His hair is obnoxious, he's an odd dresser, but the man knew how to paint a can of Campbell's soup.

Now, Warhol's "Pepper Pot" painting from that series has set a record at auction where it sold for $11.8 million. Says auction house Christie's, who sold the piece:

The painting "registers the passage of time and conveys a preoccupation with degradation, exuding destruction and frailty."

Or it's a can of fucking soup with a torn label. It doesn't have a "preoccupation" with degradation. It can't have a preoccupation with anything. It's fucking soup! It's a thing, not a human!

See, this is why we're not famous artists. Not because we lack the talent, but we lack the bullshit excuse to give when someone asks us what the bowl of fruit stands for.


BREITBART

Oh Shit, There's Another One of Them
Topic: Politics

President Bush has just informed America that his brother, and current Florida governor, Jeb Bush, would make an excellent President. But maybe Jeb has seen the polarizing ways of the name "Bush" and has decided not to go near that train wreck.

"I think Jeb would be a great president. But it's up to Jeb to make a decision to run," the President said. "I have no idea what he's going to do. I've asked him that question myself. I truly don't think he knows."

Did we dodge a bullet here? Bush is off playing pen pal with Iran. His dad's going all hand-holding, Brokeback Air Force One with Clinton, and his daughters actually got jobs. Jesus Christ this is one off family.


BREITBART

Fat Bastard Makes it Cross Country Using Only his Feet, no Wheelbarrow
Topic: Weird Shit

A frighteningly obese man who was so depressed after killing two elderly people in a car accident finally finished his penance walk across America last evening, over one year after he began it. Steve Vaught also dropped 100 pounds during the approximately 3,000 mile trip, now weighing in at about 310 pounds. So he's still as big as a buffalo, but at least only as much as a heifer.

"This is not about obsessing about numbers, or times, or dates, or miles," he said. "It's just about going on a walk and sort of having time to get things straight."

So there you have it. Steve Vaught is Forrest Gump. Perhaps he should walk back to California. It would help him lose more weight and he could do it for some cause. But at least he's got a sense of humor about everything, as he chronicled his trip on thefatmanwalking.com, which we recommend visiting, if now just for the brief memory before you start worry about Iran's nukes.

WHAT? IRAN HAS NUKES? JESUS CHRIST!


MSNBC

THE FAT MAN WALKING

Howard Stern to Pull an Opie & Anthony and Stab Sirius in the Back?
Topic: Entertainment

There's no hiding that we're not fans of Howard Stern. It's not only because we outgrew his brand of humor in high school (possibly junior high - ed.), but because everything on his show revolves around the fact that he's better than everyone else. The man is the ultimate prima donna. That and he's on Sirius Satellite Radio, and we're XM fans.

But now, it appears that Howard is going to go after Opie & Anthony, who we are fans of, by hitting out on the terrestrial radio ground too. O&A made a deal with XM and then agreed to clean up the first hour and a half of their show for normal free radio. They took off in popularity, and Howard took $500 million of Sirius's money to come work for them.

Well Howard must not like his Sirius bosses either, because he's thinking about selling his show to terrestrial radio as well, which would pretty much anger everyone at the satellite network.

Perhaps it is because Stern only gets 10 percent of his former audience and people have forgotten about him. But what we do know is that if he does stick it to his new company and head back to Earth-bound radio, it will pretty much prove that he's the biggest sell out in the radio business. Start the evisceration of Howard, O&A. We'll be listening.


NY POST

Scientists Discover Lesbian's Brains Behave Differently; Duh
Topic: Technology

Science has always looked to cure or prove wrong what they don't understand. First God, now gays. A study at The National Academy of Science has just proven that when it comes to sex hormones, lesbians act differently than straight women, to which we say a resounding "no shit dude."

"It shows sexual orientation may very well have a different basis between men and women ... this is not just a mirror image situation," said Sandra Witelson, an expert on brain anatomy and sexual orientation at the Michael G. DeGroote School of Medicine at McMaster University in Hamilton, Ontario.

"The important thing is to be open to the likely situation that there are biological factors that contribute to sexual orientation."

Ah, so the ramifications (pardon the gross pun - ed.) are quite resounding in this case then. Lesbians? Born that way. Effeminate gay men? Learned it from watching My Little Pony ads when they were young.

But the pheromone study has proven that gay women and straight men found the female's natural scent more appealing than the male's. However, the male subjects took the scent only in the scent area, whereas the lesbians took it immediately to the hypothalamus, which controls sexual desire. So this study is both inconclusive and kind of hot, proving that true lesbians, and not of the drunk college girl and porn star variety, truly are hornier than met. We hear a Cinemax late night movie blooming!


ASSOCIATED PRESS

Skull & Bones Society Has Geronimo's Skull!
Topic: Weird Shit

College clubs, such as fraternities and societies, all have weird traditions and rumors surrounding past experiences and possible goings-ons. What no one expected, however, was to find a letter confirming the validity that Yale's Skull & Bones society truly did have the skull of the famous Native American warrior Geronimo, taken from his grave in Fort Sill, Oklahoma.

“The skull of the worthy Geronimo the Terrible, exhumed from its tomb at Fort Sill by your club ... is now safe inside the (Tomb) together with his well worn femurs, bit & saddle horn,” according to a letter, written by Winter Mead.

Some researchers are stating that this is full of crap, however, as there is no concrete evidence the bones are Geronimo's.

“What I think we could probably say is they removed some skull and bones and other materials from a grave at Fort Sill,” said researcher Marc Wortman. “Historically, it may be impossible to prove it’s Geronimo’s. They believe it’s from Geronimo.”

So now the inspection of the skull for markings has begun, and it will probably be years before we hear anything again. Just remember this; Geronimo was a great leader and warrior. The movie based on his life? Not so much.


MSNBC

Convicted 9/11 Terrorist Wants to Withdraw Guilty Plea After Trial Already Over!
Topic: National News

Already sentenced to life in prison many, many times over, convicted 9/11 conspirator Zacarias Moussaoui has now asked to have his guilty plea withdrawn and to get a new trial. His reason? He didn't think he could get a fair trial beforehand, and now he knows he can, so he doesn't have to knowingly lie on the stand.

WTF?

U.S. District Judge Leonie Brinkema, who presided over his case, told him during his first appearance in court in April of last year "You do not have a right to appeal your convictions, as was explained to you when you plead guilty. You waived that right."

So what's up? Is he gonna get a new trial? We doubt it. And we doubt that even if he does, it'll matter. In fact, if he's found guilty again, he'll probably get the death penalty. And we believe a stipulation is that the entire Congress of the USA should be allowed to pee on his corpse before burial. But you know, that most likely won't be allowed. Dang.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

President Bush Gets New Pen Pal; Iran Tries Some of Their Own Strategery
Topic: World News

Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has become President Bush's latest pen pal, writing to see if the two can't work something out diplomatically with Iran's nuclear proliferation. However, the letter did not come regular mail, but rather had to be sent through the American Swiss embassy, where Iran still has a diplomatic contact. But National Intelligence Director John Negroponte has a different opinion as to why Ahmadinejad is sending this letter.

“Given the fact that the issue of Iran is before the United Nations at this time, certainly one of the hypotheses you’d have to examine is whether and in what way the timing of the dispatch of that letter is connected with trying in some manner to influence the debate before the Security Council,” Negroponte told reporters.

Uh oh.

Maybe Tehran screwed up. We think their bluff was called, but the problem is that despite the U.N.'s anger over this and the USA thinking about possible nuking the shit out of their little desert country, we still can't do anything because of Russia and China, who are both in Iran's corner.

Solution? Cold War 2.


MSNBC

Keith Richards Cannot Die
Topic: Entertainment

There are certain entertainment figures, usually in the music world, that outlive their life expectancies by a good measure. Iggy Pop comes readily to mind. However, Keith Richards is not a man at all, but the living dead. We are sure of this.

After either falling out of a tree or eating shit on a ski slope or wrecking a jet ski, the walking skeleton and Rolling Stones guitarist just had head surgery to relieve swelling around his brain caused by his massive concussion. While the world waits with breath that is baited to hear of his speedy recovery (he's walking around already - ed.), we can't help but think how the only thing that must be sustaining Richards is the remnants of heroin, LSD and nicotine that has moved out of his blood and fused itself to his very DNA.

Keith Richards is an immortal. He is either a zombie or some form of vampire. This man has ceased to be human, because if we put that much shit into our system for the past four decades and then threw our body around with the reckless abandon of a teenager, we would've died half a century ago.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Your Cinco de Mayo To Do Weekend Guide
Topic: Entertainment

We're out of hear early today as we're headed down to Austin for a night of debauchery before an early morning of golf and a buddy's wedding, before one more night of debauchery. So we've created a little To Do guide for your weekend as a parting gift and apology for being so hellaciously lazy this past week and a half.

CINCO DE MAYO - Not just for Chicanos anymore! But seriously, it's today, so drink up. Just like on Saint Patrick's Day, everyone's Mexican today! Make sure that you have your social security card tomorrow though to verify you're really not, cause they're cracking down on immigrants.

THE KENTUCKY DERBY - Yes that wonderful time of year where everybody once again pays attention to a sport they haven't thought about for ten months begins again as the first, and most famous, leg of the Triple Crown begins. We think the perfect name for a racing thoroughbred would be "The Glue Factory." Especially if he was fast. Because then you could make the comments that all the other horses in his races were killed by The Glue Factory. Awesome.

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE III - Finally, Tom Cruise will disappear from your minds until his next "serious" movie like The Last Samurai or Magnolia comes out. No, but really, stay the fuck away from this one. Give Tom a box office flop and maybe we wouldn't have to hear his brand of crazy for at least another like, five months.