Hooray For Summer!
Topic: Housekeeping

Okay people, get your swimsuit and drunk hats out, because summer is officially here this weekend! And even though we in Texas moved seamlessly from winter to summer, it's finally for real, so now we can finally begin to complain without people labeling us as pussies.

So enjoy yourselves responsibly and be happy to know that you're only one beer away from falling off of a boat and grabbing some drunk college girl's top on the way into the lake. Oh wait, that's our plans for the weekend. Eh.

Whatever you do, be safe, and we'll see you Tuesday!

Gen. Hayden Confirmed as CIA Director
Topic: National News

Air Force General Michael Hayden has been confirmed by the U.S. Senate 78-15 to become the next Director of the CIA, ushering him into the ranks of past directors like J. Edgar Hoover, Porter Goss, and a bunch of other dudes that no one remembers.

Hayden was previously head of the NSA during the period when they tapped millions of American phone calls, something that appears to have disappeared completely off the map now that his confirmation has been approved. Surprisingly, many of the Democrats who supported Hayden agreed he was a capable leader with decades of experience and only the best intentions for the job. Basically, wire taps be damned.

So now that this is done, we'll just sit back and wait for the CIA to make some crucial moves ahead and out of the Cold War era of spying even further, something they have not been entirely prone to do. Either that or just get better and harder to find wire taps. Congratulations Director Hayden, and don't let us down. That's the President's job.


REUTERS via YAHOO! NEWS

China Hates Religious Freedom, Voodoo Hooey
Topic: World News

What do you do when your country's teenagers grab a trend that has religious implications and run with it like the wind? If you're China, you ban it.

The country recently banned the use/sale/possession of voodoo dolls, fearing political implications of the old hooey magic and religion. The government claimed that the dolls, which are purchased mostly in the poorer areas of their countryside, promote feudalism and feudal beliefs through superstition. What drove them to this is the burgeoning market of anti-voodoo doll voodoo dolls, which are sold to ward off possible spells and the chance of having thousands of needles poked into your stomach.

"We have been told we will be fined and even imprisoned if we continue to sell voodoo dolls," says Huang Xiaoli, a saleswoman in a toy store in the Xidan Mingzhu Market. "The police are serious," she adds. "This is not like pirated DVDs, where the authorities say 'Do not sell these,' and then look the other way while people sell them."

So how will the nation of Jamaica react to this? Tough to say. All we know is that we should look at the possibility of finding a China-shaped doll and poking a knitting needle into the heart of where Shanghai would be located at and see if the city doesn't explode. We doubt it, but that would be ironic as hell if it worked.


NEWSWEEK via MSNBC

Apologies All Around!
Topic: Housekeeping

Sorry guys! We've been a little distracted the past couple of days, so the posting has been non-existent. Hopefully we'll get back into it tomorrow, but if not, then everyone be safe on Memorial Day Weekend and don't drink and drive! Take a cab and make him take you to Whataburger, like we did last night. Granted, we had to buy him a burger, but still...

No Posting Today
Topic: Housekeeping

Don't ask why. It just ain't gonna happen.

Houston Police Officer Fired for Threesome at Baseball Field
Topic: Texas News

A 14-year veteran of the Houston Police Department was relieved of duty after being caught pulling off a menage-a-trois with his wife and her best friend during an Astros/Rangers baseball game last week.

While off duty and pulling a little R&R, the officer came to the conclusion that the only thing that could make the Astros winning 5-0 better was to shag both his wife and her friend in a unisex bathroom, where he was caught by a man and his young son, who promptly called stadium police.

So why was he fired? Besides his previous 4 misconduct charges on his record, he was told to speak to Internal Affairs before leaving the ballpark, but decided he wanted to go home and complete the threesome. Guess at least he knows how to get fired.


KHOU.COM

South African Gangs Involved in Daring Daylight Robberies!
Topic: Weird Shit

Much like the Carpet Pisser in The Big Lebowski, violent gangs of thugs are breaking into South African homes and vandalizing homes, shitting on expensive rugs, and generally being unruly. The only difference between these gangs and the Carpet Pisser and his marmot? This gang is made of baboons.

So why don't the residents fight back? Because baboons could rip a human apart in seconds, and there are over 20 in at least one of the gangs, and surprisingly, they're mostly male. So when residents back off from their homes, the primates run amok, eating their food and wiping their asses on the freshly replaced white suede couch.

"I was sitting outside one day, the kids were swimming in the pool, when Eric just flew through the burglar bars and into the house," said Debbie Ellis, who lives in the Imhoff's Gift district. Eric is the alpha male of the local troop.

"It was a bit frightening to see a five-foot-four male baboon standing behind my three-year-old goddaughter."

But now residents are beginning to fight back with guns, dogs and electric fences. That's right Eric; you've just shat on your last fruit bowl.


MSNBC

Qatar Officially Has Too Much Money
Topic: Stupidity

The small country of Qatar is notorious not for being in Latin America, as 80 percent of the world thinks, but for having more money than Jesus. Qatar is the number one provider of natural gas in the world, meaning that every time you turn on your stove, a sheik lights a cigarette with a Chinese orphan, just because they "burn so cleanly."

But today, a Qatari man just proved that his country bought everything, as he purchased the rights to obtain the phone number 666-6666 at auction for $2.75 million American dollars. For a goddamn phone number.

Okay, yes, it was for charity, but it's still a phone number. And besides, who do you think we're going to call now and beg for money? Not our parents or our attorney brother. Nope. This dude. Because he just paid 2.75 million bucks for a phone number. He can afford to send us a 20 spot.


REUTERS via YAHOO! NEWS

Dan Quayle's Nemesis Lloyd Bentsen Passes Away; Quayle Unreachable for Comment, Currently in Class at Sylvan Learning Center
Topic: Texas Politics

Senator Lloyd Bentsen was an old school Democrat of the highest order. Back when they did not complain; they fixed. He passed away this morning at the age of 85 in Houston, Texas.

Bentsen gained a large level of notoriety for sticking it to Dan Quayle during the 1988 Vice-Presidential Debates, when Bentsen (running with Dukakis, which doomed him automatically - ed.) responded to Quayle's comments of having just as much experience as JFK when Kennedy ran for President. Bentsen's retort was freaking famous and awesome at the same time:

"Senator, I served with Jack Kennedy. I knew Jack Kennedy. Jack Kennedy was a friend of mine. Senator, you're no Jack Kennedy."

Ha, nice. We might not have agreed with all of the senator's principles, but his thoughts and opinions on international business, tax law and oil company protection could have saved our country millions of dollars by filling the national surplus when gas was inexpensive, unlike when we're attempting to do it now with the black stuff hitting $71 a barrel. The current Democratic party could stand to take a lesson from Senator Bentsen, because he was an honest American and politician, which was rare back then, but even more scarce now.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Drunk Driver Should be Dead from Alcohol Consumption
Topic: World News

A drunken Lithuanian truck driver was pulled over for driving his rig down the center of a highway Tuesday morning. The truck driver registered such a high amount of alcohol in his blood that the police believed their equipment was malfunctioning.

But it wasn't. The legal limit in Lithuania? 0.4 BAC. The amount in the driver's blood? 7.27. Most people die at 3.5.

The driver was arrested and taken to jail after being checked out by doctors, who were astonished he was still up and moving around and not in ICU. The driver said he had been drinking all night and thought it was a good idea to jump start his system by downing some pints of beer for breakfast before heading out to work in the morning.

This guy is a stud. Granted, he shouldn't have been driving, but a stud nonetheless.


BREITBART

About the NBA Playoffs...
Topic: Sports

Thank god that is finally over and done with. The Dallas Mavericks finally put away the Spurs last night in usual overtime-play fashion. If we had to watch one more game, our goddamn heart would've exploded. So congratulations to both teams. It was a tremendous series that unfortunately came one round too early. But the Mavericks proved they were the better team, and they have won.

We couldn't make it through the Suns/Clippers game, but knew that when we went to bed at 1:00AM and the Suns were up by 18 with something like 4 minutes left to play, there was no way the Clippers were coming back from that. Good game though, and another great seven game series.

Game 1 of the Wester Conference Finals with the Suns traveling to Dallas to see who is more tired and ready to win. It's gonna be hard, especially since in the past, Dallas can't contain the Suns. Who knows. Easter Conference Finals start tonight between the Heat and Pistons. Good luck to the Heat. The Mavericks already know they can beat you.

Oh yeah, and Jack Bauer got kidnapped by the Chinese and taken on a transport ship across the ocean to Shanghai on last night's season finale to 24. Goddamn tricky Chinamen and their damn fake CTU agents. Now we have to wait until January 2007 to see what impossible situations Jack gets himself out of in a foreign country.

Your Conflicting Evening of Entertainment Continues; 24 Season Finale
Topic: Entertainment

Can't wait for five good hours of basketball to start? Ha! Wait up chump. The season finale of the best show on TV, 24, is tonight... starting at 7:00PM CST and going for two hours straight. Two hours of straight up Jack Bauer ass kickery, and you've got thw choice between that and two of the greatest NBA series in recent history.

Uh oh.

Don't have Tivo? Better have two TVs like we do set up side by side so you don't miss a moment of either. Oh God, why must you give us these impossible choises?


TWENTY-FUCKING-FOUR

Mavericks/Spurs Game Seven Tonight!
Topic: Sports

Get your cheering hats on, because this is what the NBA is all about. The Mavericks vs. Spurs is turning into the NBA's best rivalry (well, it's also the NBA's only rivalry - ed.) good point), and the final game to see who will head to the Western Conference Finals will be played tonight, followed by the Suns vs. Clippers in another great game seven match up to set the other conference finals seed. In honor of the Mavs potential win this evening, which they will get, we give you a YouTube find from the dudes at Deadspin. Enjoy, and watch on TNT tonight!

Rove Not Indicted on Perjury Charges; Reporter's a Cokehead
Topic: Politics

The report that came out late last week claiming that Presidential Adviser Karl Rove had been indicted on perjury charges by a grand jury, and was widely spread around the Internet, turned out to be the fabrication of a one former alcoholic cokehead reporter who writes for a liberal web site we've never heard of.

The person running the site has no evidence of any indictment or "marathon meeting" with Rove's attorney, but there are records from the vet showing that Rove's lawyer Robert Luskin took his cat there to check him for worms.

Whoops.

The cat's medical tests, Luskin says, found that "the stools were free of harmful parasites, which is more than I can say for this case."

So what's the dealio? No one knows, and unless this is an Animal House-esque double secret indictment, there doesn't appear to be one. Great. Now we get to have politically charged conflicting reports for the next month. We hate warm summers.


WASHINGTON POST

Hand Grenade Found in French Fry Factory
Topic: World News

Workers in a British french fry cutting plant were evacuated on Saturday after a hand grenade and pieces of a bomb from World War II were found in sacks of potatoes waiting to be cut up.

"The army took the device away and blew it up in a controlled explosion in a field nearby," a spokeswoman for the North Yorkshire police said.

The reason that this occurred? The potato field is in a part of France once heavily used in WWII battles, and every now and then ordnance from the time period turns up in potato sacks mostly because they too are found underground with the spuds and are roughly the same size.

No word as to why the French and British are making such a news splash today.


REUTERS

British Finally Realize How Much French Suck, Join the Bashing
Topic: World News

We find it interesting that other countries can take polls regarding which other countries they hate the most, and it only ranks a 1 on the world's "Give A Shit Meter." If the United States makes any sort of possibly derogatory statement, effigies and flags are burned at an alarming rate and the talk of suicide bombers in embassies reaches a fever pitch.

This time, however, it's about the French, so they won't do anything anyway.

In a recent British poll, 46 percent of those asked have said they find the French to be the rudest, most boring people on the planet. This stunned the French for some reason, who had this to say.

"I think our romantic 'moodiness' is misunderstood and I will be sure to pass on the message to my family and friends back in France to be a bit more cheerful to tourists in the future," said the poll's French founder Jerome Touze.

It could also be the fact that your government gives in to lazy teenagers as well. Or that your country seems to loathe bathing.

But not all is cheese and crumpets for everybody else. While Italy was chosen to have the most cultural diversity and best food, America who selected as the worst dressers with the worst cuisine, which we agree with, since we have celebrities like Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan running around in motherfucking tights, and all of our food is stolen and reproduced awfully from other countries.

Oh yeah, and the British didn't register at all, good or bad. So there's mud in your eye.


AFP

Faith The Biped Dog Hits Montel's Show
Topic: Entertainment

Ever seen a dog with two legs? Ever seen a dog with two hind legs? Now have you ever seen that dog walk like a human on those hind legs? You will after watching this clip from The Montel Williams Show. Absolutely incredible.



P.S. - We found this over in the North American Subaru Impreza Owners Club "Off Topic" forums. So thanks to the NASIOC OT, but we wouldn't recommend staying around there too long. Those guys are crazy.

Iran Turning Into Nazi Germany? Want to Tag Non-Muslims
Topic: World News

Iran has made another move ensuring either sanctions against their country or the complete bombing of Tehran by introducing a new plan to tag all Christians and Jews in their country with colored bands to indicate they are not of the Muslim faith, recalling the lead-up to the Holocaust, with Nazi Germany making Jews wear bands on their arms with the Star of David and making them walk in the gutter. And boy are the human rights groups PISSED.

"This is reminiscent of the Holocaust," said Rabbi Marvin Hier, the dean of the Simon Wiesenthal Center in Los Angeles. "Iran is moving closer and closer to the ideology of the Nazis."

"There's no reason to believe they won't pass this," said Rabbi Hier. "It will certainly pass unless there's some sort of international outcry over this."

This comes out hot after Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad calling for the complete destruction of Israel and saying he wanted to start a series of lectures about the Nazi's "Final Solution."

We have a "Final Solution" that would help take care of all of this; U.N. sanctioned nuclear strikes on the country of Iran. Seriously. Plant and a bomb and call it a nuclear accident because of their enriching program and all of a sudden Iran is wiped off the globe. Fuck that place.


CANADA.COM

Old Cars and Old Lace? Elderly Ladies Murder for Money!
Topic: Weird Shit

Are two octogenarians responsible for the hit and run deaths of two homeless men to gather over $2 million in life insurance? It would appear to be so. The two women offered them shelter and an apartment for up to two years while using their signatures to open over a dozen insurance policies on each and naming themselves the beneficiaries.

Then their Oldsmobiles would strike.

Both of the men were struck by vehicles in early morning hours in cases that mirrored each other and arose suspicions, especially after the women filed over $3.8 million in insurance claims and collected $2.4. Now they're going to be tried for insurance fraud, murder and conspiracy to commit murder and could face up to 160 years in prison.

So what do we learn from this awful series of events? That our society is so jaded we can't even trust old people anymore.


MSNBC

Senate Proves They're Old Farts and Homophobes
Topic: Politics

The Senate Judiciary Committee just approved a bill to write a Constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage in the United States, which, correct us if we're wrong, would be against the Constitution and Bill of Rights, but we're sure the Senators know better than us.

Russ Feingold, who we thought was a douchebag but now merely think is a crybaby, stormed out of the meeting, which was soon followed by Committee Chairman Arlen Specter calling out to him "good riddance."

So once again, our country is going to deny basic rights for homosexuals to be miserable and get a tax break because they were raised in an era where lynchings were still common. Way to go you fucking simple-minded bigots. We hope you rot on your high horses.


MSNBC