Convicted 9/11 Terrorist Wants to Withdraw Guilty Plea After Trial Already Over!
Topic: National News

Already sentenced to life in prison many, many times over, convicted 9/11 conspirator Zacarias Moussaoui has now asked to have his guilty plea withdrawn and to get a new trial. His reason? He didn't think he could get a fair trial beforehand, and now he knows he can, so he doesn't have to knowingly lie on the stand.

WTF?

U.S. District Judge Leonie Brinkema, who presided over his case, told him during his first appearance in court in April of last year "You do not have a right to appeal your convictions, as was explained to you when you plead guilty. You waived that right."

So what's up? Is he gonna get a new trial? We doubt it. And we doubt that even if he does, it'll matter. In fact, if he's found guilty again, he'll probably get the death penalty. And we believe a stipulation is that the entire Congress of the USA should be allowed to pee on his corpse before burial. But you know, that most likely won't be allowed. Dang.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

President Bush Gets New Pen Pal; Iran Tries Some of Their Own Strategery
Topic: World News

Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has become President Bush's latest pen pal, writing to see if the two can't work something out diplomatically with Iran's nuclear proliferation. However, the letter did not come regular mail, but rather had to be sent through the American Swiss embassy, where Iran still has a diplomatic contact. But National Intelligence Director John Negroponte has a different opinion as to why Ahmadinejad is sending this letter.

“Given the fact that the issue of Iran is before the United Nations at this time, certainly one of the hypotheses you’d have to examine is whether and in what way the timing of the dispatch of that letter is connected with trying in some manner to influence the debate before the Security Council,” Negroponte told reporters.

Uh oh.

Maybe Tehran screwed up. We think their bluff was called, but the problem is that despite the U.N.'s anger over this and the USA thinking about possible nuking the shit out of their little desert country, we still can't do anything because of Russia and China, who are both in Iran's corner.

Solution? Cold War 2.


MSNBC

Keith Richards Cannot Die
Topic: Entertainment

There are certain entertainment figures, usually in the music world, that outlive their life expectancies by a good measure. Iggy Pop comes readily to mind. However, Keith Richards is not a man at all, but the living dead. We are sure of this.

After either falling out of a tree or eating shit on a ski slope or wrecking a jet ski, the walking skeleton and Rolling Stones guitarist just had head surgery to relieve swelling around his brain caused by his massive concussion. While the world waits with breath that is baited to hear of his speedy recovery (he's walking around already - ed.), we can't help but think how the only thing that must be sustaining Richards is the remnants of heroin, LSD and nicotine that has moved out of his blood and fused itself to his very DNA.

Keith Richards is an immortal. He is either a zombie or some form of vampire. This man has ceased to be human, because if we put that much shit into our system for the past four decades and then threw our body around with the reckless abandon of a teenager, we would've died half a century ago.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Your Cinco de Mayo To Do Weekend Guide
Topic: Entertainment

We're out of hear early today as we're headed down to Austin for a night of debauchery before an early morning of golf and a buddy's wedding, before one more night of debauchery. So we've created a little To Do guide for your weekend as a parting gift and apology for being so hellaciously lazy this past week and a half.

CINCO DE MAYO - Not just for Chicanos anymore! But seriously, it's today, so drink up. Just like on Saint Patrick's Day, everyone's Mexican today! Make sure that you have your social security card tomorrow though to verify you're really not, cause they're cracking down on immigrants.

THE KENTUCKY DERBY - Yes that wonderful time of year where everybody once again pays attention to a sport they haven't thought about for ten months begins again as the first, and most famous, leg of the Triple Crown begins. We think the perfect name for a racing thoroughbred would be "The Glue Factory." Especially if he was fast. Because then you could make the comments that all the other horses in his races were killed by The Glue Factory. Awesome.

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE III - Finally, Tom Cruise will disappear from your minds until his next "serious" movie like The Last Samurai or Magnolia comes out. No, but really, stay the fuck away from this one. Give Tom a box office flop and maybe we wouldn't have to hear his brand of crazy for at least another like, five months.

The Damn Weekly DSCC Email Update; Bush Isn't Evil, Just Incompetent
Topic: Politics

We thought we had made it. Almost one full week without an email from the damn Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee. But our hopes were dashed as we saw it resting comfortably in our Inbox, beckoning us to open it and say hello. But this week had a decent draw; a note from Joe Biden, Democratic Senator from Delaware and one of the only Democrats who isn't a complete useless waste of flesh.

So what did Joey B. have to say? Well let's take a look.

In Iraq, a dictator is gone, and that's a good thing. But we may be on the verge of trading him for chaos and a haven for terror. Osama bin Laden remains at large, despite tough rhetoric from the White House. The failed response to Hurricane Katrina - a natural disaster we knew was coming - raises serious concerns over how we would deal with another surprise terrorist attack. - The entire note so far has been about national security. And Biden makes good points. And then he brings up Katrina and never mentions it again. This Democratic ploy has been as overused recently as 9/11 has by the GOP. Enough already!

The hardest fact of all is this: we do not have a strategy to protect America, or leadership in Washington that can put us back on track. Democrats have a plan for real security that focuses on two overriding and connected challenges. - Ah, the Democrats don't have a strategy. Instead, they have a plan. But they still won't tell us what it is, which is why they will continue to lose elections.

The American people are starting to see the administration's policies of military preemption and stubborn ideology are not making us more secure. Only a Democratic Senate can put a stop to these failed strategies. - Sorry, but he had us until the last sentence. We can look past the Katrina mention and the lack of what we call "plan disclosure." But the only thing that will even out the balance of power that Biden speaks of is not a Democratic Senate. It's a bi-partisan Senate. As soon as both parties realize this, our country will be better off.


DSCC

The Problem With the Newsmakers
Topic: Media

We haven't hit up the old media topic in a while, so we figured it was time to drop in and bitch. Today is all about what exactly is wrong with people who report the news. In this case, Internet news sites.

We don't mean Drudge Report or My Way News or anything like that. We're talking Yahoo! News, where we get most of our information. We considered it unbiased reporting that had a very left-minded opinion section. Before people begin to complain about us bitching about the MSM, we were journalism majors. We know there's a left-leaning bias in the news, but as long as they take their views and just report what's going on, we don't care how salacious it is.

Please look at the image at the bottom of this post for a second. Specifically, what we have circled in red. Then come back up here. We'll give you a second.

Notice anything? The goddamn negativity. Yes, we're angry a lot and negative, but this is a blog used for the reporting or ridiculous news. It's also full of opinions. We can get mad if we like. Yahoo! News is supposed to report what's happening. The first headline in the Business section is excellent; Dow Passes 11,500, Hits Fresh 6-Year High.

Perfect headline. Says "hey, we're doing all right." Then look at what follows; Payrolls Grow Smallest Amount Since October. Well thanks, dicks. It's not "Payrolls Continue Growth" and then mention how they're not growing quite as quickly as before in the article. Oh no. It's "Payrolls Grow Smallest Amount Since October." The point?

THEY'RE STILL GROWING. What's the point of being negative man? They're still growing? It's not like the Dow Jones is up and everything else is tanking. Jesus media people, crack a smile. Someone in NYC buy these guys a hooker. They need some relaxation therapy.

Taking the "Worm in the Bottle" Fascination Too Far, Hungarian Style
Topic: Weird Shit

Keyser Sose, that madman from The Usual Suspects would be proud of whoever left a surprise at the bottom of a barrel of rum.

A group of Hungarian workers who were renovating a house in Budapest and found a large barrel of rum decided it was time to drink away their workdays. Noticing a appetizing flavor, they began to the bottle the drink and take it home with them. But a nasty little surprise waited for them at the bottom, and as they drained the barrel and opened it up to see what was so heavy that was still inside, a pickled nude corpse of a man came tumbling out.

Turns out a woman in Jamaica 20 years ago lost her spouse and put him inside the barrel to ship him back to his home country without incurring the cost of shipping a body. But no one had any idea why she sent them rum and the body sat at the home waiting to be violated in a truly disgusting manner.

So now when you see a bottle of or Tequila that contains a worm or pickled at the bottom, just think to yourself, "Hey, at least it's not a dude."


REUTERS via YAHOO! NEWS

Chinese Bishops Excommunicated! Wait... China Has Catholics?
Topic: World News

Pope Joey Rat showed his strong side this week as the Catholic church excommunicated four Chinese bishops after ordainment ceremonies had not been sanctioned by the Catholic church. Snap!

Two bishops who were ordained by the Chinese government and not the Vatican were removed from their positions and have been excommunicated from the church, meaning that after serving their whole lives for God, they're not going to be able to go to Heaven after they die. The two bishops who ordained them have been excommunicated too.

"The Holy See has in various occasions reiterated its willingness to have an honest and constructive dialog with the competent Chinese authorities to find solutions that would satisfy the legitimate requirements of both sides," Vatican spokesman Joaquin Navarro-Valls said.

"Initiatives such as those mentioned above not only don't favor this dialog, but instead create new obstacles against it."

Okay, we're gonna admit we don't know what the hell he's talking about with this "Holy See" thing and what not, but it pretty much blows to be one of the recently ordained bishops. You think to yourself, "Man, I made it this high. God has shined his love down on me and what? What do you mean I'm not a Bishop? It's not legal? And I can't be a Catholic anymore? Fuck!"

That's a bad day, man.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Texas Maid of Honor Takes Bullet During Reception!
Topic: Texas News

We're back! Rejoice, you little suckers. We said REJOICE!

But now we move on to a great story to return to. That is the tale of one Kristin Campbell, the maid of honor in her best friend's wedding in Houston, was partying hard looking for a guy to take home in shame and desperation when the lucky moment of the bouquet toss suddenly arrived. When Kristin made her NFL receiver like move to catch the bundle of slowly dying flowers, a bullet smashed through the reception halls ceiling and struck her in the arm, falling to the floor as Kristin began to bleed.

"I didn't hear anything. I just knew I had a hole in my arm," said Campbell. "It was painful, but it wasn't terrible, but it did feel like I was shot. There was really no other way to describe it."

Now, police and Ms. Campbell are in the search for the owner of the discharged shot, which was most likely fired into the air randomly from about a mile away. Luckily for Kristin Campbell, the wound wasn't a bleeder and she's going to be just fine. Plus, she's a cute girl from Texas with a kick ass "got shot" story, so she'll do just fine.


CLICK ON DETROIT

Scotland, And Its Many Pubs, Awaits Us!
Topic: Housekeeping

We have never taken a vacation since getting out of college. Not once. A day at Christmas and Thanksgiving perhaps, but not a real honest to goodness vacation. Now that we move into our late 20s at the end of this week, we figured it would be a good time to visit the merry old country of Scotland and take in the cool air, green fields, castles, smoke and ale.

We will see you folks when we get back, and keep the place warm for us. Scotland is free!

Charlie Sheen is Nuts
Topic: Embarrassment

Charlie Sheen's divorce proceedings went public and just got a hell of a lot worse for the actor/coke whore, meaning it's probably not the best time to launch his brand of children's clothing, which is creepy enough as it is.

But now, Denise Richards' attorneys released a bunch of voice mails that Sheen left on her answering machine while she was still preggers with their second kid. And let us tell you, this dude is nuts. Careful... foul language follows:

"Okay, you're a fucking liar, so you what it's like... fuck you. Okay, I hope you rot in fucking hell. You're a piece of shit fucking liar and I hope you fucking rot in hell."

It gets worse from there in that particular message, but we'll let you click over and read it. But this one cracks us up. This next message was left a mere three hours after the previous one above.

"Hey, I'm going home early. I just hate to leave early and then you come and then I hear from Laura in a letter that costs me, you know, five grand that, you know, I didn't let you know I was leaving early. So I'm gonna leave early. Okay? Dick face."

Dude, he just called Denise Richards dick face! This is gonna be the best divorce trial ever.


THE SMOKING GUN

World's Most Perfect Reality Show Currently NOT Being Filmed in Sierra Leone; Monkey Hunters
Topic: World News

Following the death of a taxi driver and brutal beatings of three American businessmen, a squad of highly trained police officials are off hunting a deadly team of 20 escaped chimpanzees. This has the potential to be perhaps the greatest TV show ever filmed.

Just a bunch of pissed off cops hunting down a team of rogue monkeys. You could even stretch it out to twenty shows, with a take down in each episode, working your way up to the boss.

It appears that two males, Bruno and Philip, are leading the monkey revolt after orchestrating a daring mid-day prison break in which 30 of the primates escaped. With ten of their number already behind bars and their two leaders wanted for murder, the monkeys are being more desperate to escape the country, with the hope of a new life awaiting them in the Congo.

Will they make it? Find out next week on Monkey Hunters!


REUTERS

EXCLUSIVE! Mav's Coach Avery Johnson to Get NBA Coach of the Year Award!!!
Topic: Sports

BREAKING! WE GOT IT FIRST!

Well, probably not first. A source close the Dallas Mavericks told us this morning that Mavs coach Avery "The Little General" Johnson will receive the NBA's Coach of the Year Award for the 2005-2006 season. Johnson has led the Mavericks to a team-tying 60-22 record in the season and straight into the playoffs for championship contention.

Way to go Avery! And go Mavs, game two against the Memphis Grizzlies tonight!

Oh Snap! Johnny Drama Got Married!
Topic: Entertainment

For all you Entourage fans out there, and especially you women who are looking for semi-famous piece of ass, Johnny Drama is off the market. Yes, Vincent Chase's brother has gotten married in Las Vegas at the age of 40 (40? seriously? godDAMN - ed.). His wife wore a floor-length white gown, while Johnny (or Kevin Dillon, if you want to call him by his real name) wore, in true Chase brother style, jeans and a leather jacket.

Kevin Connelly, or "E," was the couple's witness, and probably drunk and looking all midgety. We remember when that kid was on Unhappily Ever After.

Entourage is back on HBO in June, giving you more mischief and jealousy of the lives of fictional people that are your age. Congrats Johnny/Kevin!


MSN

Three African Men Keep Bigamist Father From Marrying Again
Topic: Weird Shit

Three angered sons of Zimbabwe were so upset that their father was ditching their mother (but not divorcing her - ed.) to marry another woman that they crashed the wedding with axes and blades, keeping guests at bay. They then grabbed their dad and dragged him away to a car before tearing off into the desert.

The pastor of the church where the ceremony was being held decided that malnourishment wasn't smiled upon by God, so they ate up all the wedding party's grub, leaving the bride to run out of the chapel in tears. This is, by far, the greatest wedding to ever be held on the face of the Earth.


REUTERS

Drugged Up Dude Plays Naked Santa
Topic: Stupidity

A California man who locked himself out of his stepmother's house decided that the best way to get in was to climb up the roof, undress, and then shimmy down the chimney hanging from a goddamn cable cord.

Well, the cord broke, of course, and the man was stuck three quarters of the way down the chimney for five hours until he was pushed out by firefighters and promptly arrested for being under the influence of drugs. Now we can understand why the Middle East hates us.


MSNBC

New York Judge Allows Web Surfing Worker to Keep Job; Surf Away Losers!
Topic: Technology

Do you check your email in constant concern that your boss will look in your history and see you opened that spam message about horny housewives? Or perhaps you run a blog from your work computer that has been going on strong for two years and has your name all over it.

Either way, a judge in New York said that the state government could not fire a 14-year veteran employee for surfing the Internet at work, creating a huge opening for workers to check their email to their hearts' content.

"It should be observed that the Internet has become the modern equivalent of a telephone or a daily newspaper, providing a combination of communication and information that most employees use as frequently in their personal lives as for their work."

So there you have it, Internet hounds. The Net is the same as calling a phone sex line or picking up this week's copy of Adult Video News, neither of which can get you fired as well, right? Jackass.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Nepal To Have Democracy! We Hadn't Even Realized We'd Invaded
Topic: World News

The king of the small mountain kingdom of Nepal has announced that he will return power to the people of the country in a form of democracy only 14 months after seizing power and naming himself ruler. Now the Nepalese get to look forward to their current king winning every "election" for the next 20 years, kind of like how Saddam worked.

Massive protests had swept the country recently after pro-democracy riots brought the economy of sheep herding and guiding people up mountains to a crippling halt. Rioting crowds were fired upon by Defense Ministry troops, and one person died. But no more! No more beating women and shooting old people. Dammit, we were just planning a vacation.

We just can't wait to see how President Bush turns this one into a "Democracy on the March" speech. Because if he can successfully do that, the guy's damn good.


MSNBC

The Damn DSCC Weekly Email; A Plea From John Edwards!
Topic: Politics

Two emails in one week. This must be a major issue! Actually, it's from John Edwards, who is pleading for your help to raise the minimum wage to $7.25 in the next three years.

Good for that. We're all behind that. But what is interesting is what comes after his plea for our petition signature.

We have set a goal of getting over 125,000 co-sponsors of this bill so that we can personally deliver your signatures to Senate Republican leaders. One hundred and twenty-five thousand supporters is a number they cannot ignore. Already, we've got the Republicans on the run on this issue.

Ah, so the Republicans are opposed to this. Considering this is the first we've heard of this initiative, we doubt this statement. After all, these "rich fools" would need happy laborers to run their death plants, or whatever it is they do, right? We think this is some Democratic whining hoping for pity points. Well, actually, if course it is. The email is from John Edwards, who had nothing to do with introducing this bill. And now he's got his name tacked everywhere on the email claiming he was all over it like white on rice.

Get a life John. Just stop, because we'll support your minimum wage bill, but no one really listens to you. You're like a male college cheerleader. Good looking and a complete party animal idiot. Oh shit. You have all the qualifications to be President. Shit.


DSCC

Missouri Congresswoman Mails Constituent Profane Letter; Somewhere An Intern Is Peeing His Pants
Topic: Politics

We have received a plethora of form letters from politicians since starting this site nearly two years ago. Most of them have either been of the "cease & desist" variety, but that is neither here nor there. But when Missouri Rep. Jo Ann Emerson sent a letter to one of her constituents, we doubt she meant to cap it off like she did.

No, it was not with the hand written note at the bottom which said "PS - Please forgive the delay in responding." Instead, it read "I think you're an asshole."

Ha ha! Greatest political letter ever. So who wrote this correspondence? Certainly not Rep. Emerson.

“There is no excuse for this inappropriate letter having been sent, and every apology has been made to the individual who received it. We cannot determine whether the addition to the letter was made by someone within the office or by someone with access to the office, but it is on my letterhead and the responsibility for it lies with me. A valuable lesson has been learned and new procedures will be adopted as a result.”

Holy crap, she took responsibility. Probably because she had to, especially since the only reason the letter was broken to the public was because it was faxed to the Missouri Democratic Party. But we can guarantee you where this angry swearing came from.

A low ranking member of the staff had undoubtedly been taking many perturbed phone calls from the recipient wondering the status of whatever his dumb crap was. So they wrote it as a joke/revenge, and no one noticed and sent it on to Rep. Emerson, who pretty much signs anything you put on her desk.

Are we close? We bet so.


MSNBC