Woman Defends Dog Against Gator, Gets Citation
Topic: National News

We have a shocking little theory about Florida's gator problem; it was perpetrated by students from the University of Florida, who purchased hundreds of alligators from pet shops during their basketball team's Final Four run, and then after winning the championship, tossed them in the swamp. This can be the only reason the alligator attacks are getting this bad.

Former Marine Candy Frey received a warning citation from police after a 3 foot gator cruised through the dog door of her home and attacked her golden retriever. The USMC training kicked in, and after using her daughter to help her push the beast back through the tiny door, she blasted it four times with a shotgun.

Police and animal control showed up, issued her the warning, and then simply put the gator back in the lake, except with a few small holes in it. We think they should've blown this sucker away with their own shotgun, preferably loaded with slugs instead of buckshot. Because now that it knows how to get in to someone's home, it's never going to stop.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

The Presidential Address Fallout; Senate's in...
Topic: Politics

Judging by our slightly tipsy reaction last night to the Presidential Address, we would've figured there would be some more backlash or political unrest regarding President Bush's idiotic plan of amnesty (yes, it is amnesty, no matter what he tells you - ed.) for the illegals already here, while using the National Guard to help keep the Southern border in order while the Border Patrol gets more help that isn't redneck and loaded with beer and shotguns.

But instead, the Senate has passed a measure supporting the vote 55-40, with most of those 40 being on the GOP side, angered that Bush would dare grant amnesty to illegal immigrants, even though technically, we're all here illegally since we stole this land from the Indians, but whatever.

“This is going to be a tremendous enforcement support partnership,” U.S. Border Patrol Chief David Aguilar told reporters at the White House.

“We can certainly do what is asked by our commander in chief,” added Lt. Gen. Steven Blum, National Guard Army Bureau Chief.

So once this gets smashed through the House and signed by Dubya, see you later immigrators. Electric fences around El Paso and other border towns and increased patrols will attempt to stop new illegal immigrants from "swarming" our country and offering their cheap labor to the ditch-digging and general construction fields.


MSNBC

Bubonic Plague Found in Utah Campgrounds; Way to be France in 1790, Utah
Topic: National News

Hooray! After a woman in Los Angeles was admitted with the Bubonic Plague late last month, the state of Utah decided to get in on the action and infect some field mice and squirrels in a campground, thus turning themselves into Europe of the late 1700s.

"We come down on the conservative side when it comes to closing campgrounds," said Joe Winkelmaier of the U.S. Public Health Service. "We just like to be sure when it comes to plague."

Oh yes, of course. Wouldn't want you to have to close your precious park for something as tiny as typhoid or rubella. Plague's where they draw that line though.


AP

Alligators Are the New Sharks
Topic: National News

April 2005 saw multiple bull shark attacks in Florida that resulted in fatalities. Now, the sharks appear to have given way to a creature that has the ability to attack not only in the water, but on land as well. And they're doing it rather effectively.

Two more bodies were discovered Sunday, bringing the total of fatal attacks by murderous alligators to three, while the total for deadly gator attacks in the past 58 years has only been 17.

A 23-year-old snorkeler was found still *gulp* in the gator's mouth, and only after poking the animal with a stick in the eye were her friend's able to get her out. The second woman was found floating in a swamp three days after she disappeared.

So now as the warm weather continues, Florida residents are being urged to stay out of non-pool bodies of water and out of the swamps completely. But don't head back to the ocean, because the bull sharks are jealous and ready to pounce.


AP

Pink Taco Restaurant Angers Scottsdalians
Topic: National News

The Pink Taco Mexican Restaurant is a staple of Las Vegas Mexican food. Nestled inside the Hard Rock Cafe, its name perfectly fits the lifestyle of the City of Hookers and Gambling. But oh, don't bring the vagina-monikered eatery to Scottsdale, Arizona, because they'll get pissed.

"The City of Scottsdale has a very fine reputation around the world. Let's keep the standards high. Let's let what plays in Vegas stay in Vegas," said an anonymous email.

The problem with this is that this person who fired off this angry email, who is probably retired or nearing that age, seems to forget the over abundance of porn stars that live in their fair city's hills and wealthy neighborhoods. Jenna Jameson, the world's most famous porn star, is even a local strip club owner and businesswoman. So this is a little of the pot calling the kettle black.

Bring in the Pink Taco. It wouldn't be the first, or last, that opened big in Scottsdale.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

The Presidential Address Wrap-up! Our Bad!
Topic: Politics

Ha, sorry guys. We didn't expect the entire address to be about immigration. So after the tequila shot, hopefully you guys pounded enough Corona quickly enough to drown out the crap that was flowing from Dubya's mouth.

So what did we think? With the help of our hairy, four-legged interns, we determined that this was political pandering. Actually, it was quite obvious. It was calling out your co-workers in front of a large group of your friends to embarrass them into doing what you want.

It was also an attempt to bring back the "compassionate conservatism" that Bush promised in the 2000 election and hasn't done since. Perhaps some immigration reform will be upheld, but not to the level he called for tonight. There's no way illegal immigrants that are already here are going to out themselves to get "licensed," especially after they were made to sound like terrorists, what with all their "sneaking."

We'll see what the political fallout will be like tomorrow. For now, just sit down quickly before all the liquor kicks in and enjoy Prison Break and 24. Also, don't forget that the Dallas Mavericks and San Antonio Spurs play tonight at 8:30 CST. Go Mavs!

The Heart of Darko State of the Union Address Drinking Game!
Topic: Politics

Hooray! It's back! With President Douche giving less State of the Union addresses than any other president in the history of the United States (this one isn't even called a SOU - ed.), we've been itching to fire off a new drinking game for something political. our humble beginnings as an awful little bit of political commentary fueled our rage and alcohol intake.

But tonight? Oh ladies and gentlemen tonight we have the SOU, Prison Break, 24, and the NBA Playoffs. It's a goddamn cornucopia of entertainment, and it's getting started at 7:00 CST with the return of mixing liquor, beer, wine and cough medicine. Drink up, losers!

TAKE 1 DRINK IF:

- Bush cracks his smirk within the opening minute
- "Stay the course" or its derivatives are mentioned
- He mentions Iran
- He mentions Venezuela
- For every "working with Congress" reference
- He mentions alternate fuel
- He brings up the economy doing well
- He brings up the deficit increase
- Every time he says "hard work"
- Every time he says "nucular"

TAKE 2 DRINKS IF:

- He mentions Libya
- He mentions Laura
- He mentions his daughters (two drinks for each one)
- He mentions his dad (two more if he mentions Bill)
- He specifically says "Hugo Chavez"
- He tries to put a Latino accent on it
- He mispronounces a foreign official's name
- He says "cut and run" or something to the like
- You notice his eyes moving left to right following the teleprompter
- He says the name of Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
- Two more if he doesn't fuck it up
- He speaks of his attempts to have bipartisan discussions, or any derivatives of this
- The 2006 midterm elections are mentioned

SPECIAL RULES

- Take a shot of tequila as soon as he mentions immigration
- Take a sip of a Corona for every mention thereafter
- If New Orleans is mentioned, quickly go mix yourself a Black Russian and chug in the honor of the Chocolate City
- If he says "God bless..." drink until he finishes speaking
- If the SOU is under a half hour, finish your beer, open a new one, and prepare for your evening of action and basketball

And you should be sufficiently drunk, so enjoy. We recommend using some sort of light beer for this game, as the toll can be rather hard with our games, as we have learned. Somehow we have a tendency to get every thing he says right beforehand, but that's just probably because he says the same shit over and over. Have fun.

USA Finally Tries... Diplomacy? Wait, That Can't Be Right...
Topic: National News

1980's Libya used to be today's Iran; a hotbed of possible nuclear activity with some perhaps terrorists maybe running around causing problems. The only thing that has really changed between the two situations is the Bush that is in office. That and even Moammar Gadhafi was like "Iranian dude, you are waaaaaay in the wrong buddy."

Since 1985, Libya turned from a group of generalized terrorists, such as the ones in Back to the Future (Run Marty! It's the Libyans!!!).

So today, as a thanks for not killing more American soldiers in their dance clubs (look it up folks, it happened - ed.), the United States dropped Libya from the terrorist country list.

Oh, but they put Venezuela on the "Ones to Watch" list and decided to stop selling them guns. Sounds like Afghanistan from the 1980s, doesn't it? But we're guessing this is more about Hugo Chavez and his rampant anti-U.S. banter and holding their oil over our heads.

So what's the next plan? Blockade, by all means. Worked for Kennedy, so why not Bush?


MSNBC (LIBYA HERE)

MSNBC (I'M VENEZUELA)

Karl Rove's Political Genius Finally Revealed
Topic: Politics

Karl Rove just blew our mind.

"People like this president," Rove said. "They're just sour right now on the war."

We have insights like this all the time. "Family Guy is a pretty decent show, but it's no Entourage." Or "Yeah I had a decent time, right up until I punched that chick in the eye."

Rove continued that the President's likability ratings are very high, despite his nearing negative approval rating. Oh yes, and the tax cuts make the U.S. economy stronger. Of course they do, because it's what we like to call "passing the buck." President Clinton did this exact same thing during the late 1990s tech boom. He left office and the tech industry collapsed because their government funded projects never came to fruition. Bush got blamed.

So now it looks like the plan might be to continue to jack up the economy by giving more tax cuts, which boosts purchasing, thusly giving America a higher economy. Until people run out of money, that is. Yep, this one has Rove's fingerprints all over it.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

The Resurrected Duke Lacrosse Team Rape Returns! No DNA... umm... Again.
Topic: Sports

It's been weeks since we've heard any word from the Duke lacrosse team scandal that has been worth reporting. The last releases that came from anybody were just normal attorney blow-hardiness. But today, something has changed.

The DNA found in a vaginal swap of the supposed victim was from her boyfriend, not any of the Duke lacrosse team players. Whoops.

"Once again, a DNA report indicated not a smattering, not a spider web of indication that there was any DNA from those boys," attorney Wade Smith said.

Also, the DNA that was found under a press on fingernail in a waste can of the boys' bathroom also didn't have any link, even though, as was pointed out, the basket was full of Kleenex and tissue from countless other people. Also, the team members pointed out that they noticed the fingernail and would give it to the police if they would like it, which doesn't exactly seem to be rapist sort of behavior.

So despite this evidence and the alleged changes in times of the stories of both dancers, as well as photographic and DNA evidence seeming to exonerate the team members, the case continues. We'll continue the updates as we find them.


CNN

48 Million of You Are Retarded
Topic: Cars/Automotive

People wonder why there is hatred for our country. We are one of the richest in the world, with hundreds of millions spent each year purchasing and "pimping" our vehicles, while in a country such as Palestine, owning a 1984 Alfa Romeo Spider means you are one of the richest men alive.

Yet there are still 48 million of you idiots that refuse to buckle up. It takes five seconds max. Just reach over and *click* you're done. But instead, you're concerned how uncool you look, or that you'll get trapped in a burning car, or some other idiotic reason.

You ready to hear the facts you idiots? Here they are:

Six in ten people age 8-44 killed in car wrecks weren't wearing their seat belts. You see a pattern?

Seven in ten people killed while driving their pickup trucks weren't wearing seat belts. Do you see a pattern?

Fatality risk for front-seat motorists in sport utility vehicles, pickup trucks and vans who wear seat belts is reduced by 60 percent. Do you see a fucking pattern?

Jesus Christ people. The automotive industry isn't trying to kill you by putting in seat belts. And for those of you worried about being trapped in a car, how many accidents have you ever driven by on your way to work at the mud plant where you've seen a flipped over car? One? Two? Stop making excuses and put on your belt!


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Keifer Sutherland vs. a Christmas Tree
Topic: Entertainment

Mostly due to 24, we're big Keifer Sutherland fans. So we laughed our asses off when heard of him taking down a Christmas tree in a swanky London hotel while wasted. Well, thanks to a new documentary starring Jack Bauer (as well as the good chaps at Defamer - ed.), we have the video of the Christmas Tree takedown.

Enjoy.

Mother's Day! Your Weekend To Do Guide
Topic: Housekeeping

What is there to do this weekend in this wonderfully dimwitted country of ours? Let's take a look to see how we can get you off the couch and spending some money for the good of our economy.

NBA PLAYOFFS - Tonight and on Saturday only, and don't go out and get drunk that night either, mister. You've got the Suns/Clippers at 10:80 tonight after the Nets/Cavs. Tomorrow sees the Mavs/Spurs and Pistons/Heat. Good games all around... except for the Pistons/Heat. That's like watching the Harlem Globetrotters play a team of kiddy pool-bound manatees.

MOTHER'S DAY - Celebrate your explosion from your mother's loins and the years of wine-dependent misery you brought upon her with a box of chocolates. Because she already knows you lost your salary on the Pistons/Heat game because you thought the Heat could beat the spread. Don't worry. She cleaned up your shit for years. She'll loan you twenty bucks for gas money.

TATTOOS FOR EVERYONE! - Get a "Mom" tattoo in celebration. Regret it the next day.

Corn at $2.65 a Bushel!
Topic: National News

DRUDGE PARODY! DRUDGE PARODY! DRUDGE PARODY! DRUDGE PARODY!

But seriously, corn shot up from $2.25 to $2.65 a bushel because of ethanol demands. So we guess that pretty much ends the argument about how ethanol is cheaper. For once the state of Nebraska is going to laugh at the rest of the country instead of the other way around.

Stupid corn huskers.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Fake Writer Watch! James Frey Admits Lying in Second Book Too
Topic: Embarrassment

After the media hullabaloo has finally blown over after it was reveal that the memoir of James Frey should have really been called A Million Little Lies, what else is there to do besides take your millions of dollars and hide out somewhere nobody will know you? Sit on a beach and get drunk? Bang a Thai hooker?

How about come out and admit your second "non-fiction" book, My Friend Leonard, should also be titled My Friend Lies? Sure, that'll work.

"To call this book pure nonfiction would be inaccurate," the author writes. "It is a combination of fact and fiction, real and imagined events."

Goddammit James Frey! What the hell is wrong with you? Jesus Christ! Truman Capote wrote things like this as well, but he acknowledged it. You just make shit up, like the entire opening of My Friend Lies involving Porterhouse and the 90 day jail sentence.

Man, shit. We actually read your books. Let's take a guess at what's true in these books; you are a real person. Is that the end of the truths?

We hate you James Frey. You're the biggest fraud in the literary world. That's right, we said it. Why don't you just kick us in the nuts while you're at it? As was said on the episode of South Park that wasn't nearly as hard on you as it should've been, "you're a towel."


MSN

Japanese Burglar Breaks in to Massage?
Topic: Weird Shit

A Korean man broke into a woman's Tokyo house, took her money, tied her up, and then proceeded to give her an hours-long shoulder massage to keep her relaxed and calm until he could go use her ATM card.

After pulling out roughly 980,000 yen from her bank account (exchange rate anyone? Bueller? - ed.), he then mailed back the card to her because she had asked him to do so.

This has got to be the nicest robber ever. If our apartment was ever broken into, umm, again, while we were home, we'd hope that the criminal would be an attractive Swedish woman who was into full body massage. We'd get tied up for a few hours for that.


REUTERS

Kinky Friedman Gets His Signatures, Runnin' For Texas Gov!
Topic: Texas Politics

Kinky Friedman, that lovable Jewish cowboy/singer with the maverick political sense and strong support base, received 169,574 signatures (one of them, proudly, is ours - ed.) to get his name on the 2006 ballet for Governor of the State of Texas. An independent candidate needs only 45,540 to run, so even with the comptrollers counting them up, he's in and ready to go.

Says Kinky:

"All I can say is, thank God for bars and dance halls."

So now it's time to ramp up that fan base. Because of this moment, we're going to put another sticker on our car when we get home. Because nothing says "Vote for This Dude" more than an ancient, high-mileage speeding white Volvo with death metal screaming out the windows.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

KINKY FRIEDMAN

Pink Bats Coming to Embarrass Major League Baseball
Topic: Sports

The Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation has done some fantastic thing for women worldwide. Especially their breasts. And we love us some breasts. But before we praise their breast work anymore, we should note how they have decided to have MLB players swing away this weekend with pink Louisville Sluggers.

We understand that Mother's Day is important and that breast cancer research is necessary to the health of everyone's mothers, but pink bats? We thought the New York Yankees were a team of homos before (Yankees? Get it? Yank-ees? - ed.), but this has taken it a step to far. Perhaps the NBA should play with pink balls this weekend and oh my god that totally came out wrong.

We're dropping this subject.


FOX SPORTS

Hybrid Bear's Reign of Terror Ended by Multiple Gunshot Wounds
Topic: World News

A group of American sports hunters took down a large white bear recently and noticed that it did not look like the bear from the Coca-Cola commercials. Instead, this marauding monster has been confirmed as the wild's first animal hybrid and has been discovered to be half grizzly and half polar bear.

"We've known it's possible, but actually most of us never thought it would happen," said Ian Stirling, a polar bear biologist.

So Canada, you better prepare yourself for a lifetime of bear-humping changes going on. Breed your poodles to Rottweilers to create massively puffy killing beasts to protect your homes, because the hybrid bears are coming!


MSNBC

Greatest NBA Playoffs in History Occurring RIGHT NOW!
Topic: Sports

We usually attempt to keep our sports fanaticism to a minimum, knowing full well you don't visit here to see us drool over our favorite teams. But since the Dallas Mavericks (yes, our fav team - ed.) have an actual chance at going all the way to the finals, we've been paying attention to the world of NBA basketball even more this year, and we can say, without a doubt, this is the best playoffs we have ever watched.

Despite a couple of first round games that were none too exciting, the second round is a virtual cornucopia of "who knows?" games.

SUNS vs. CLIPPERS - It looked after game 1 that the Clippers had no chance of doing anything. They came back last night and thumped the Suns at home in a late game. Wow.

HEAT vs. NETS - The News took command early in the series with a commanding win in Miami, only to be smashed up in game 2 by 22 points.

CAVS vs. PISTONS - Okay, this one is going like people expected. The Pistons cannot be stopped.

MAVS vs. SPURS - Dallas won their first road playoff game in San Antonio Tuesday by blowing out the Spurs after losing by only 2 points in game one. Watch out for the Mavs; they're pissed because no one took them seriously.

You get a break tonight from the playoff games and earn a chance to catch your breath and digest all that beer. It starts again Friday night with the Suns/Clippers in LA and Heat/Nets in Jersey.