Topic: National News
A Homeland Security report has been released by the Associated Press, in which it is clearly stated that airport X-ray scanners cannot detect possible shoe bombs, as they are unable to differentiate between your footwear's material and expolisve devices. The upshot? It doesn't matter, because you're meant to be treated like a piece of crap and still need to take off your shoes, unless you enjoy body cavity searches.
And you must comply, since it is now mandatory, instead of voluntary, as it was supposedly called before.
Plus, the Transoportation Safety Administration now says passengers will be double screened at the gates. Randomly, of course. Which means that the man in a wheel chair and five-year-old blond boy that were searched in front of us the last time we boarded the plane will probably be stripped naked this time and hung upside down by their feet while a high school dropout searches through the terrorist child's Scooby Doo backpack, taking away his plastic scissors and construction paper.
When we were last in Scottsdale (earlier this January - ed.), the city had just instituted a new system of speed cameras on the 101 to stop people from going over the 65 mph limit. These were also used throughout the town to enforce lower speeds. Even though we were in a rental car, we still respected the cameras... except for these two times when it was just too tempting.
Researchers from the University of Nebraska Medical Center in Omaha have discovered a link between hot dog consumption and altered DNA in people, which could lead to a strange form of cancer. Specifically, colon cancer, which we kind of expected, since everytime we've eaten more than one hot dog, our colon has felt like a train was smashing through it.
We always find it interesting that a year and a half before the next Presidential election, candidates begin the stumping. This activity has always started each election season in Iowa, where the state fair is suddenly packed with candidates from both parties hoping to kiss enough ass and eat enough crap carnival food to impress the locals into believing that they're sincere and normal guys, instead of the rich cads that they are.
Sheik Hassan Nasrallah, leader of the radical group Hizbollah, claimed that the terrorist organization had won a strategic battle against Israel after the agreement of a cease-fire, proving that even those against freedom and peace have public relations flack to help them iron out their bad image.
We first saw a Segway self-balancing scooter at the West Palm Beach International Airport, where a meter maid was sitting on his mobile dorkmobile putting a parking ticket under our rental car's wiper blade. While we hid in the bushes and waiting for him to roll his fat ass away, we noticed that learning how to ride on a Segway would take getting some used to, and if this person was a novice, then we could take him by surprise by our Pontiac G6 crap car and get away scot free.
Living in the downtown area of a major city, we are very used to some of the dumbest criminals known to exist. However, none of them even holds a candle to Jeffrey Moore of Deposit, New York.
Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert has announced that they have accepted a cease-fire agreement with Hizbollah. While no details have been released, this undoubtedly means the return of the captured Israeli soldier.
A group of ten horny manatees entertained a large group of spectators in Longboat Key, Florida, after chasing a female into shallow water and duking it out for her affection, proving once again just how similar manatees are to drunken guys in a bar.
Former Hollywood agent Jamie Gold (no relation to Ari of Entourage - ed.) eliminated a 25-year-old restaurant manager earlier this morning to win $12 million in the 2006 World Series of Poker. Gold, who previously said he wanted no part of the fame that would be doled out to him if he did win, is now the most famous poker player in the world, even though he could spend the rest of his life burning money and not have to worry about going broke.
A plane run by Brazilian airline TAM Airlines landed without further excitement after one of its doors fell off during takeoff and smashed in a supermarket parking lot. The plane was apparently a very old Dutch model that doesn't have the best flight record, including Brazil's worst airline disaster in 1996.
After months of reading how every actor and actress in Hollywood is stumbling with alcohol abuse, from Lindsay Hohan's constant partying to Mel Gibson's drunken ant-Jew tirade (thanks for bringing back the phrase "sugar tits" Mel! - ed.), the delicious substance has taken another one of LaLa Land's favorites: Mr. Robin Williams.
Our animal alert mode has been set off since the Snakehead fish first came into our peripheral. Then the bass with the human-like teeth was caught shortly before panda bears started to produce offspring like never before. Now otters, those lovable little water mammals who do the cute human things with their hands, have joined these other three monsters and are going after us as well, taking out our first level of protection; our guard dogs.
That title is not entirely true, but we did not want to ruin the kicker of one of the funniest stories we have ever heard.
Politics are only second to religion for starting heated, vile discussions between two people. And thanks to CBS News Video, we have footage of one such debate in Florida between a left-leaning candidate for local office (who happens to own a string of topless clubs - ed.) and his polar opposite, a Republican radio host.
Three different panda births in the past three days have raised alarm in mostly us, worrying that the stupid bears have finally figured out how to reproduce and will soon have armys powerful enough to break free of their human captors and run amok across the globe, destroying croplands and caging humans in some weird Panet of the Bears society.
A Las Vegas defense attorney who was supposed to argue a kidnapping case ended up receiving a mistrial for his efforts after showing up to court slurring his words and reaking of tequila.
A 15-year-old girl in New Jersey slammed into her mother with the family car during a driving lesson while she was attempting to learn how to parallel park, causing massive internal injuries and pinning her under the Suburban. She later died on the scene after being trapped beneath the massive SUV for hours.
A Venezuelan stand up comedian by the name of Benjamin Rausseo has launched his campaign for the Presidency of the embattled country and is swearing that his candidacy is for real and he hopes to oust the internationally unpopular current President, one Hugo Chavez.