Topic: Politics
Welcome to Heart of Darko's weekly dissection of the email sent to us by the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee, an organization determined to get more left-leaning power in Congress, usually through the art of shit talking. Today's email comes from Senator Robert Byrd, who usually doesn't have much to say about anything, unless it's on CSPAN.
Without further ado, let's get to it:
Since ascending to power in 2001, the Bush administration has waged an unrelenting assault on the Constitution of the United States while being aided and abetted every step of the way by a supine Republican congress. - We always find it funny when someone claims the Bush administration hates the Constitution. Do they really believe that? If they do, they're idiots. You hear me Sen. Byrd? You're an idiot.
Republican legislators have made it clear that they have no intention of reining in this runaway White House. The only way to confront the Bush administration's egregious abuse of power is to elect a Democratic Senate. - Or to stand like you a have a backbone. They're not gonna take you out back and shoot you for Christ's sake. Just stand up and speak your peace without devolving into this type of angry name-calling and finger pointing.
We cannot continue to claim that we are a nation of laws and not of men, if our laws may be summarily breached because the President says, "trust me." - He learned that from Clinton. Hell, Clinton's the one who instructed us that it was okay to lie.
Democrats must regain control of the Senate to restore the checks and balances that are the foundation of this country. But we cannot carry on the fight for the Constitution without your help. - When the President uses one veto in six years, you've done a pretty good job of checks and balances, Sen. Byrd. Oh yeah, and you also supported the NSA wiretaps. Oops, were we not supposed to mention that?
And then Senator Byrd turns into a hobo asking for a quarter, which is when we delete the email. We're actually getting a bit tired of this. Sure, we've received more "Vote Democrat" stickers, buttons and t-shirts than ever before, but all of this unabashed stupidity and bile coming from our leaders is really cheesing us off. We think we'll take the rest of the afternoon off and sit on our porch with some cold beer.
The Las Vegas marriage bureau has announced that starting August 31, there will be no more late night weddings in the city, meaning that all drunken celebrities who wish to get married to hookers or childhood friends will either have to obtain a marriage license before midnight or just get drunk when it's light out.
The owner of the restaurant "Hitler's Cross" in Bombay, India, has announced that he will indeed change the name toease tension caused by his attempt to get more publicity, which worked well considering that even penny-ante little crapsites like ours reported on this 
A bookkeeper in New York has pleaded guilty yesterday to "borrowing" more than $2.3 million from her former boss over a period of three years to keep up her horrible scratch-off lottery ticket problem. Annie Donnelly admitted that she sometimes spent over $6,000 a day on lottery tickets and meant to pay the money back.
A rare albino set of Pygmy Marmoset monkeys has been born at a zoo in Sweden, ushering in a new era of monkey fear. At only 35cm long and 100 grams in weight, the tiny little bastards can easily crawl through a nose, ear, mouth, or, god help us all, anus, and take your body down from the inside while the pandas, otters, alligators, raccoons, snakehead fish and fish with human teeth wage war on your head, arms and ankles.
A 78-year-old woman has filed a harassment suit against her 14-year-old neighbor for meowing at her everytime he sees her. The judge has had such a hard time deciding whether or not meowing is indeed a form of harassment that she has put off her ruling for 90 days in order to figure things out.
The most embarrassing thing that one can possibly have happen to oneself would be to have an army of pint-sized girls with berets and pigtails serving you lawsuit papers to your door because you did not pay for the cookies that you bought.
DUI defendant Joshua J. Beury made a huge mistake when showing up in court to plead not guilty to his charges yesterday afternoon; he showed up drunker than when he was previously arrested. He had blown a .17 when he was taken into custody after crashing his car in November, but in court, he decided the best way to calm his nerves was to drink so much beer that he blew a .20.
A 30-year-old former Marine who currently teaches a former of strength-training martial arts at a Utah gym took down a man who after recently being arrested from jail for assault walked out of a 7-11 convenience store without paying for a carton of cigarettes and punched a female clerk in the face.
A German robber who held up a woman in her apartment was caught at the airport after his victim saw him waiting to board the same flight she was about to take back home from Turkey.
Washington state is reeling after a sudden rise in attacks by a species of violent, rabid raccoons, which have claimed 10 cats, one dog and a woman's arm in the recent past.
Swedish news station SVT News accidentally aired a 5-minute clip of hardcore Czech pornography during a newsbreak recently. The monitor which was showing the porn was one of many in a bank of video screens in the background behind the anchorman, who showed no knowledge of the goings-on behind him throughout his news reading.
18 men held in an Indonesian prison escaped over the weekend by blinding guards with liquified chili peppers in water bottles to held aide in their freedom excursion.
While we were rummaging through the awful events of our world in The Dallas Morning News while sitting on the can, we discovered probably the funniest story of the day, that we have yet to find on the Web. So because of the absolute ridiculous hilarity of the story, we're going to type it here for your reading pleasure.
In recent weeks, it seems as if every Democrat on the planet has pulled out a blade and begun to twist it into the back of Senator Joe Lieberman, whom is on the compaign trail, attempting to win his re-election. Now, another former leftist loser is helping out with the back-stabbing. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, once again John Kerry is attempting to keep his name in the news by blasting Joey L. for something that Kerry knows much about; campaigning while losing.
An Indian man with a very rare case of diphallus, or having two wangs, has decided that he is going to have one of them removed so that he can get married and "live a normal life," or some crap like that.
Today's happy birthday goes out to President Bill Clinton, who turns 60-years-old, making him now too old to run around his offices in Harlem chasing interns, mail room workers and anybody under the age of thirty.
Seventeen-year-old Jakub Voboril has just made himself the biggest target in the entire state of Kansas by becoming the only person in the country to get perfect scores on both the ACT and SAT. His 36 and 2400 mean that not only is he one smart son of a bitch, but he's probably soft and pink, which means good for punching.