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Tuesday, 8 August 2006
Heated Political Debate Choreographed by Bobby Knight
Topic: Media

Politics are only second to religion for starting heated, vile discussions between two people.  And thanks to CBS News Video, we have footage of one such debate in Florida between a left-leaning candidate for local office (who happens to own a string of topless clubs - ed.) and his polar opposite, a Republican radio host.

The aftermath of the argument involves a storm off and a flying chair, for which we must say thank you to CBS News for repeatedly showing the chair hitting the candidate smack in the face.  You guys friggin' rock.

 

CBSNEWS.COM via GAWKER 


Posted by James at 5:21 PM CDT
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Pandas Spawning Rapidly to Take Down Human Captors!
Topic: Animals vs. Humans

Three different panda births in the past three days have raised alarm in mostly us, worrying that the stupid bears have finally figured out how to reproduce and will soon have armys powerful enough to break free of their human captors and run amok across the globe, destroying croplands and caging humans in some weird Panet of the Bears society.

The worst news regarding these momentous births were that two pandas also gave birth to sets of twins, meaning that the Chinese panda bears are able to reproduce at double the normal rate, bumping up the takeover timeline.  Meanwhile a "boss panda" or "giant panda" as scientists prefer to call them, gave birth to the pink monster you see to the right, causing concern that even if we were to be able to take down the Chinese pandas, or "grunts," we would have to face a breed of super-pandas, like the Brutes out of Halo 2.

So do your civic duty, America, and have your pandas spayed and neutered.  We can't afford to have these and the snakehead fish teaming up to take us down.

 

REUTERS via YAHOO! 


Posted by James at 2:39 PM CDT
Updated: Tuesday, 22 August 2006 3:00 PM CDT
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Judge Rules Drunken Defense Attorney Too Hammered to Argue Case
Topic: Stupidity

A Las Vegas defense attorney who was supposed to argue a kidnapping case ended up receiving a mistrial for his efforts after showing up to court slurring his words and reaking of tequila.

"I don't think you can tell a straight story because you are intoxicated," Clark County District Judge Michelle Leavitt told defense lawyer Joseph Caramango.

After receiving a breathalyzer test, Caramango was found to have a BAC of .075, which is under the legal limit of .08, but still pretty randy for a day in court.  The courthouse nurse confirmed that Caramango had been drinking tequila shots just hours before he was scheduled to argue his case and the attorney himself said that he had been drinking the night before.

To make things weirder, Caramango showed up 90 minutes late to court with a woman who he identified as an ex and introduced as Christine.  However, the woman said her name was Josephine and that she had met the attorney only 20 minutes beforehand at a local bar and grill.

Caramango was not found in contempt of court, and it is doubtful that he will be disbarred for his actions, as hilariously fucking stupid as they were.

 

BREITBART 


Posted by James at 1:11 PM CDT
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Parallel Parking Kills!
Topic: Weird Shit

A 15-year-old girl in New Jersey slammed into her mother with the family car during a driving lesson while she was attempting to learn how to parallel park, causing massive internal injuries and pinning her under the Suburban.  She later died on the scene after being trapped beneath the massive SUV for hours.

Police said no criminal charges would be filed since the accident was on private propoerty, and that what most likely happened was that the daughter hit the gas instead of the brake.  This is a lesson to other parents in America who are attempting to teach their children how to drive.

DON'T.

They have low paid professionals and companies that can do this for you, thus alleviating the risk of death for you or your spouse.  While this is of course a tragic accident, we can only say that this poor girl will undoubtedly be taking the bus everywhere for quite sometime.

 

MSNBC 


Posted by James at 12:28 PM CDT
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Monday, 7 August 2006
Venezuelan Comedian Kicks Off Campaign Against Hugo Chavez, Offers Free Beer for Everyone
Topic: Politics

A Venezuelan stand up comedian by the name of Benjamin Rausseo has launched his campaign for the Presidency of the embattled country and is swearing that his candidacy is for real and he hopes to oust the internationally unpopular current President, one Hugo Chavez.

While many have said that Rausseo's plight for the position is a joke, the comedian and extremely successful businessman has said that he is 100 percent serious, and that he aims to knock down Chavez's corrupt regime and begin to work with the international community.  Also, he promises free beer for everyone if he wins, something that we can fully get behind.

His one man political party, the Independent Party for Advanced Answers, or PIEDRA, has created its slogan as "Vote Piedra," a phrase meaning "vote for the party" and "get angry."

And even though Chavez is great fodder for news and jokes, we believe that he is also a negative in the world leader category, and because of our love of comedy, we're throwing our hat in the ring for Benjamin Rausseo for Venezuelan President.  Now we only have until December 3 to get full Venezuelan citizenship.  Anyone out there know how to expedite that?

 

CNN 


Posted by James at 4:39 PM CDT
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Greatest Innovation in Bar History Ever; The Chinese Beating Bar
Topic: World News

A bar in Beijing, China, has just opened up a new idea that we consider to be one of the most innovative and genius ways of getting more females into your establishment ever.  Since April 2006, the bar has hired twenty young muscular men to stand still while patrons pay as low as $6.25 to wail on them, brutalize, punch and smash things on their bodies and heads.

"Customers can specify how they want the models to appear -- they can even appear as women -- and then they are free to give them a sound beating," the China Daily said.

But if this perhaps does not allow the patrons to work out their anger, the bar has also hired counselors from the local university to listen to their problems and dispense advice.  And if that doesn't work, then the place is a goddamn bar and they can just get obliterated.

 

REUTERS via YAHOO! 


Posted by James at 3:51 PM CDT
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Possessed Pennsylvania Road Claims Two Brothers in Two Separate Motorcycle Accidents
Topic: National News

A long stretch of Pennsylvania road has claimed two brothers in two separate motorcycle accidents two hours apart from each other.  Jeremy Kerr was headed to the scene of his brothers fatal accident on Route 38 when he failed to pay attention and smashed into the back of a car stopped in traffic caused by his older brother's wreck.

Steven Kerr was killed in a bit of irony when he slammed into a speed limit sign while apparently speeding, which would foreshadow his brother's own accident, who also crashed because he was speeding.

So this note is for all motorcycle riders in the Pittsburgh area (we have biker readers? - ed.); stay the hell off of Route 38.  That road is evil and hates you like you hate hippies.

 

MSNBC 


Posted by James at 11:46 AM CDT
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Frozen Dead Dog; It's What's for Dinner in Germany
Topic: Weird Shit

When we moved into our latest apartment three years ago, the complex tried to start our stay here on an epic level, by loading up our fridge with a quart of milk, a frozen pizza, and two slices of bread.  A woman in Germany who moved into her new apartment found an equally packed refrigerator, except she had better unpack her pots and pans, because she received a dead, frozen canine in her freezer.

The popsi-dog belonged to the previous tenant, who claimed that the greyhound had died of natural causes and that he had simply not had time to give it a proper burial and promptly forgot about the body.  This would make sense, if the man was a cracked out druggie who somehow forgot that he had placed a dead animal inside his freezer.

"Sweetheart, could you get me some sherbert?"

"Sure honey.  Where is it?"

"Look behind the dog in the freezer.  You should see it."

 

REUTERS via YAHOO! 


Posted by James at 11:26 AM CDT
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Saturday, 5 August 2006
Oh Crap. Our Hometown College Wants Ousted OU Quarterback to Transfer
Topic: Sports

After moving from Wisconsin and South Dakota to Texas at age 4, we lived in the town of Commerce, home at the time to East Texas State University, where our father was teaching.  A few years passed and our dad moved on to better things.  So did ETSU.  They became Texas A&M-Commerce, and we took college classes there during the summers and our senior year of high school, almost earning enough college hours to be a sophomore when we went to the real Texas A&M in College Station.

And A&M-Commerce has flourished since we left, especially when it comes to sports.  Their football team won multiple Division II NCAA championships, and now, it appears that they're looking to win more.  Reps from the school have confirmed that they are in talks with the NCAA to offer recently released OU quarterback Rhett Bomar, he of the $4,000 fake job from an OU booster, a position at their school as a transfer athlete.

The school should be proud, as this is the most they've ever been in the news, even getting themselves on ESPN.  Maybe instead of losing residents of the town (it dropped from a population of over 8,000 to 6,500 after we left - ed.), they'll keep their population up, and maybe even get a bar.  Because there isn't one, which leads us to our next question.  How in the holy name of shit can you have a town with a college of 12,000+ and not have a single actual bar?  Idiotic.

 

FOX SPORTS 


Posted by James at 5:52 PM CDT
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Floyd Landis, You Suck
Topic: Sports

2006 Tour de France winner Floyd Landis failed his "B" sample this morning, confirmed reports that he did in fact take testosterone during his massive comeback to win this year's crown of all cycling races.

Following the announcment, he was fired by his team, Phonak, and notified that unless there is a major immediate change, his Tour de France title will be stripped and given to runner up, Spaniard Oscar Pereiro.

Landis will of course appeal, but even if he wins, he will no doubt always be thought of as a cheater.  Pereiro was very forgiving of Landis, and even said he considered him his friend.  Now it's up to time and probably another batch of tests, which could take up to six months, before any concrete finale is met.  But we can finally say that Floyd Landis has let us down, as well as the entire cycling community.

This is the first time in the 103 year history of the race that a champion will ever be stripped of his title.

 

YAHOO! SPORTS 


Posted by James at 1:14 PM CDT
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Friday, 4 August 2006
The Damn Weekly DSCC Email; The Return of Eyebrows McSmilesalot! John Edwards in the House!
Topic: Politics

This week's DSCC email comes to us from the smile of one Senator John Edwards, who still remains the only person to have their headshot grace the email's contents, reminding us of his smile and who exactly he is.  The subject?  Callous Disregard.  This should be a good one.

With the anniversary of Katrina approaching, I'm reminded of the pictures of thousands of vulnerable people stranded in the New Orleans Superdome. - And out comes the Democrat's version of 9/11, straight out of the box like a race horse in its prime.

It's a pretty safe bet that George Bush and his Republican allies in Congress don't spend much time thinking about it.  They are too busy grandstanding about flag burning and passing even more tax cuts for the most fortunate Americans. - Good point, but there is this whole situation in Lebanon and Israel right now that might be slightly more important.  And we wonder if Sen. Edwards will give his massive tax cut back to the government or just go buy another house.  We're betting on number two.

In the 1980s, Ronald Reagan demonized poor people as lazy and undeserving with the term "welfare queens."  Today, the G.O.P. is using the same mean-spirited and polarizing tactics.  Just weeks ago, U.S. Representative John Culberson, a Houston Republican, said he wanted "deadbeat" Katrina evacuees out of his city. - You're a fucking retard, John Edwards, and we refuse to call you Senator anymore.  Since Katrina, the murder rate has risen 33% in Houston, and violent crimes are up almost 50%.  Three quarters of the criminals caught in these crimes are Katrina evacuees.  If we were the mayor of Houston, we'd want these people out too.  And notice how Culberson also said he wanted "deadbeat" evacuees out, not evacuees.  Who wouldn't want transplanted crminals out of their city?  We're done with you Edwards, and angered enough by your stupid comments that we're deleting your email.  Go pluck your eyebrows.

 

DSCC 


Posted by James at 3:25 PM CDT
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BetUS.com Takes Wagers on Castros Life or Death; We're Putting all Our Money on Black, Because Black Always Wins
Topic: Weird Shit

Internet gambling site BetUS.com has begun to take bets on whether Cuban dictator Fidel Castro will die from complications fromthe surgery he underwent earlier this week.  Over 3,000 bets have been placed, with the stakes depending on whether the dictator will die in September or October.

"We don't want to profit on someone's death. But Castro is unique," said Christopher Bennett, media relations director for BetUS.com.  "I personally wrestled with it. But ... this could have a huge effect on economics, foreign policy, trade. It's more than just someone passing away."

This is the same company that has taken bets on whether or not Britney Spears was with child and if Jimmy Hoffa's body will be found or not.  Apparently, BetUS.com was started by a bunch of dudes sitting around playing Xbox on a Saturday night.  We did this stuff in college, so we can officially say that we're going to this site to place a bet right now.

 

REUTERS via YAHOO!

 


Posted by James at 2:02 PM CDT
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When Text Messaging Rages Out of Control...
Topic: Technology

A 21-year-old sales assistant (i.e. cashier - ed.) in England was fired by text message while she rested at home with a migraine.  While the company calls itself "youth-oriented"and claimed they were merely trying to keep with the times and pop culture, the message that they sent was very Old Money boring, stating itself way to clearly for the texting crowd.

"We will not require your services anymore...Thank you for your time with us."

First, whoever had this idea is a genius, especially since the employee, Katy Tanner, had not answered multiple calls.  We've learned that girls are fighting the use of a cell phone for anything other than a portable emailer, so we're happy that someone finally struck back.

However, we understand why she was angered by this.   When we were fired, it happened to our face, which might not have been such a good idea by our boss if we had not still been drunk and unable to hit one of the three of him that kept moving back and forth in front of us.  Not that that really happened.  It just sounded funny.

 

AFP 


Posted by James at 1:38 PM CDT
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Houston, We Have Technical Problems
Topic: Housekeeping

It's getting out of hand over here with the technical problems, which are all trying to get through the door at the same time like the Three Stooges.  Woop woop woop woop woop woop woop!

We've got it fixed, but if you're seeing an error message at the top of the page or it's taking five minutes to load the page, let us know, because we'll beat our IT howler monkey until he poops on the right harddrive and gets us fixed.


Posted by James at 1:31 PM CDT
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Thursday, 3 August 2006
Stop Taking Vitamins Right Now or Face Possible Sickness and Death!
Topic: Technology

A team of British scientists have hit out against vitamin tablets, especially C and E caplets, claiming that they will harm you more than help you, possibly creating extra illnesses.  Also, the amounts that people take have been proven to offer no extra help in real life and only work on much smaller cultures in test tubes and lab tests.

"You name it, if it's an anti-oxidant, we'll swallow it by the bucket-load. We have become anti-oxidant devotees. But are they doing us any good?  Evidence gathered over the last few years shows that, at best, antioxidant supplements do little or nothing to benefit our health," noted New Science magazine.

Apparently an American team of scientists have also warned that multi-vitamins, such as Centrum Silver and the Wal-Mart off brand we use (anything to save 46 cents - ed.), can be very harmful if taken too much, as one could easily overdose on them, creating a higher possibility of organ failure.

This just goes to show you that George Burns was right; three dry martinis and cigars a day and you'll live to be 100. 

 

THE DAILY MAIL 


Posted by James at 6:48 PM CDT
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Vienna Becomes Kingdom of the Spiders!
Topic: Animals vs. Humans

The ancient glorious city of Vienna, Austria, is reeling after a massive attack from the dangerous Yellow Sac Spider, which have overrun the city and sent mass panic into its residents.

Nearly 200 people were admitted to area hospitals Wednesday to receive treatment for spider bites by the Yellow Sac, which have the ability to transmit a horrible flesh-eating disease.  Now, Vienna authorities have put a bounty on every spider that its citizens kill, with as much as a $250 reward for bringing in the evil little shits, which enjoy attacking people while they sleep.

While the spider is not deadly, it can create a terribly painful rash in many cases, which sometimes can leave a scar.  And god help us if the Yellow Sac Spiders in America, which are some of the most common variety, get the message to go after humans, because then we could all be in a mess of trouble.  Our idea is for everybody to get a cat, because ours eat any bug-like critter that comes into our apartment, keeping us safe from bed bugs at night.  You don't know the killing power of a cat until you see one jump four feet in the air and take out a moth.  That's just badass.

 

SPLOID 


Posted by James at 2:02 PM CDT
Updated: Tuesday, 22 August 2006 3:01 PM CDT
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Doberman Guard Dog Hates Teddy Bears, Especially Elvis's
Topic: Embarrassment

A doberman guard dog that was supposed to have been protecting a plethora of rare teddy bears went on a massive killing spree in London, destroying multiple stuffed bears, including a $75,000 1909 Steif bear named Mabel that had been previously owned and prized by Elvis Presley.

The dog ended up mauling $900,000 worth of bears before his handler, Greg West, was able to wrestle the miscreant pooch to the ground after minutes of chasing him around and attempting to stop the utter destruction.  As you can see from the photo to the right, the devastation was horrible, with stuffing and fur flung about.

This is more proof that if you leave a dog in the vicinity of anything that's stuffed for too long, their natural instincts will kick in soon enough and wonton killing will begin.

 

AP 


Posted by James at 1:54 PM CDT
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Wednesday, 2 August 2006
British Theme Park's "National Muslim Fun Day" Sounds Horrible, Not Fun and is Canceled
Topic: Stupidity

The worst kind of prejudice in our minds is the stupid kind, and British theme park Alton Towers has just canceled their horribly prejudiced, sexist and retarded "National Muslim Fun Day."  During this magical afternoon, the park would ban alcohol sales, music and gambling, and all of their popular rides and attractions would be segregated by sex.

Not surprisingly, interest in going with all the guys and no chance to get a little chippy on the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory ride was quite low.  Ticket sales dwindled, causing the cancellation, but it also appears that non-Muslims, including a couple that was getting married in the park that day, we extremely offended by the planned day of racist, sexual and fanatical "fun."

Any normal person should be.

 

REUTERS 


Posted by James at 4:30 PM CDT
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Alligators Invade Montana! Most Likely Looking for Place to Relax
Topic: Animals vs. Humans

For those of you that live in Montana, far away from the hustle, bustle and danger of the big cities and coasts, you now have something to fear besides an errant cow in the middle of your (dirt) road; alligators.

Two young boys caught a 60 lb. alligator while fishing in their family's pond this past weekend.  This is the first known finding of the sizable reptile in the state, meaning that many more could be in hiding.

“This thing was very aggressive,” Bryant, one of the young fisherman, said.

“It was snapping at us kids and adults,” his brother Josh noted.

The adults, being cool and always calm, freaked the fuck out, and ended up trying to kill it like bronze age warriors attempting to bring down a mammoth.  After first shooting it with a bow, one of the boy's fathers decided the smartest thing to do was to go after the wounded creature with a stick by jumping into the pond and beating it before tossing it up onto the bank, where a group of men were ready to tie the bastard down.

After doing so, one of the group remembered his action movie training and attempted to slit the gator's throat with a pocket knife, which of course didn't really work.  After calling the police, someone finally realized that gunpowder had been invented and shot it, thus ending its life.  The gator is currently on ice at the local vets, who will attempt to figure out how the hell it got to Montana.

This is a lesson for everybody out there in Montana; if you see an alligator, you do not shoot it with a bow, hit it with a stick, or attempt to slit its throat.  Guns, vehicles and hand grenades work better, you back-water jackasses.

 

THE DAILY INTER LAKE 


Posted by James at 12:45 PM CDT
Updated: Tuesday, 22 August 2006 3:01 PM CDT
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If You Drive a Jeep Liberty, PRAY
Topic: Cars/Automotive

Chrysler/Jeep has issued a massive recall to all owners of a 2002-2006 Jeep Liberty, fearing that the 800,000+ vehicles on the road could have catastrophic steering failure, resulting in their small SUV flipping off the road and exploding in a ball of fire that would give hack-tastic director Brett Ratner an erection.

The problem resides in the front ball joint, which is a part of the suspension that keeps control to the front wheels at all times.  A ball joint can range in price from $150-$300 and takes no time to replace, but Chrysler and Jeep seem to think the problem is a tad bigger, issuing a recall on the 832,000 vehicles that have been affected by this ball joint failure.

And yes, we're fully aware of the absolute hilarity of the term "ball joint" but sometimes you people are just sick.  There have already been 111 complaints about this component failing and you're making testicle jokes!  Geez!

 

AP 


Posted by James at 11:45 AM CDT
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