Topic: Housekeeping
Well everybody, we're out of here. Gotta go and cram a bottle of Wild Turkey up a chicken's ass and hope no one notices the difference. And that's what we call "brining the bird."So everybody be safe and don't drink and drive. That's why we have public transportation. Or if you want to drive, go rent some go-karts and then go drink and drive. At least if you flip those, you'll just get kicked out. Trust us, we know.
See you on Monday.
James
Posted by James
at 4:39 PM CST
At least 12 protesters were arrested for setting up camp outside President Bush's Crawford ranch, an act which was outlawed because of danger to vehicles and the protesters themselves, who made a mess of the rural road system. Each protester would be charged with criminal trespassing, which is not as cool as it sounds, people, trust us.
A man who was breaking in women's windows and asking them to touch his exposed wee-wee learned not to do so anymore the hard way. Fort Myers Beach Police chased the man after finding him outside a woman's home and shot him with a taser... right in his gear.
So the Xbox 360 came out this morning. We, as warm-blooded males, want one worse than anything in the world. However, it's not going to happen until at least the new year. Why? Because people like the idiot below are snatching up not only every one they can see, but ones that haven't even been purchased by their original seller.
Hottie teacher/14-year-old sexaholic Debra LeFave of Tampa was given three years of house arrest and seven years of probation after pleading guilty to boring her middle school student in the classroom and the back of a car that was being driven around by the boy's 15-year-old cousin. This once again proves that Martha Stewart's home incarceration had bigger repercussions than previously thought, since many of the teachers who shagged their students before went to prison for years, not to their home.
Each year, the POTUS does a fabulous PR trick by pardoning a turkey from being killed and eaten on Thanksgiving. This year, however, President Bush decided that to allow the pea-brained animal to live is not merely enough, and is instead sending it to Disneyland, where the lucky bird will die of fright when it is made the honorary Grand Marshall of the Disneyland Thanksgiving Day Parade.
Look one post down to see what we're talking about. And then hear this:
Robert "Baretta" Blake has been found liable for his wife's death, proving once again that civil attorneys kick ass and prosecutors need more schooling (we're kidding, all you attorneys! jesus don't sue us... - ed.).
An Ohio woman who left 40 kittens in a park overnight because she is both insane and capable of taking care of them has been sentenced to spend the night in the same park with no light, food or shelter, as well as paying a $3,200 fine and spending 15 days in jail and 15 days under house arrest. This accounts for the maximum penalty one can receive for dumping animals in Ohio, as well as a big old "fuck you" to animal mistreators.
Read the story that came with this photo. It's work the half-ounce pressure you'll be exerting to click your mouse. Plus, we don't want to ruin some of the greatest parenting ever with the gobbledy-gook we usually write.
The town of Clark, Texas, has decided that their dignity has a price. That price? A decade of free Dish Network satellite TV. All 55 homes will receive 10 years of uninterrupted service for allowing their small town to join the ranks of other tiny hamlets across the nation that have changed their names for corporate sponsorship, such as;
A five-year-old boy in Philadelphia was found holding eight bags of horse in his pocket on October 25. Three weeks later, the police arrested his mother, probably after not finding any track marks on the boy's arm.
Fidel Castro just can't get a break. After his hilarious fall on stage last year (pee dribbled out when we saw the video. seriously. pee - ed.) which led to the "beloved" dictator breaking a few ribs and his wrist, Castro tried to turn his world image around. He volunteered Cuban medical help during Hurricane Katrina, which America refused, of course. Then he, umm, saved a puppy from a snake... or something.
The top anti-drug investigator in Guatemala and many members of his team are facing charges of conspiracy to ship cocaine to the United States, the DEA discovered after a four month investigation. Guatemala has been hit down on lately because over 75% of the coke that comes into America has to pass through the country, which appears to not only care very little, but seems to be sneaking to skim off of the top.
Researchers from Oregon State University have come to the conclusion that the hops in heavier beers, such as porters, stouts (mmm, MacKesson - ed.) and ales have cancer fighting agents that have been overlooked in previous studies. The flavonids (seriously, we didn't make that word up) contained in the hops have enzymes inside of them that kill "free radicals" which could cause cancer and a love of Che Gueverra in adults.
A woman being treated in a Kolkata, India, hospital lost one of her eyes after ants ate it, following her diabetes treatment. While screaming for help, nurses told the woman that pain would be normal after having surgery. Pain, yes. Pain with ants, no.