We Hate Computers, and Other Angered Musings
Topic: Housekeeping

Seriously, computers blow. We're having server issues and have not been able to log in for the better part of the day. Since our server is currently located in Melbourne, Australia, there isn't much we can do from here until our messages are returned in the morning. Therefore, we're going to be backing off and hoping that the pygmies in the machine tire from eating our little space on the net and move on to somebody else.

PYGMIES!

We Hate Computers, and Other Angered Musings
Topic: Housekeeping

Seriously, computers blow. We're having server issues and have not been able to log in for the better part of the day. Since our server is currently located in Melbourne, Australia, there isn't much we can do from here until our messages are returned in the morning. Therefore, we're going to be backing off and hoping that the pygmies in the machine tire from eating our little space on the net and move on to somebody else.

PYGMIES!

Bush Picks Philly Judge as SCOTUS Nominee; No Word on Whether or Not Judge Owns an IROC-Z
Topic: Politics

After having his prime candidate and personal lap dog Harriet Miers drop out of contention last week, President Bush has quickly picked a Philadelphia judge with more years of experience than any other member of the Supreme Court during their nomination in over 70 years. Samuel Alito has served as a U.S. Court of Appeals judge for some 15+ years, a strong contrast to Harriet Miers, who served as Bush's personal lawyer for over 10.

“The Supreme Court is an institution I have long held in reverence,” said Alito. “During my 29 years as a public servant, I’ve had an opportunity to view the Supreme Court from a variety of perspectives.”

Alito has also argued 12 cases in front of the Supreme Court, more than any other nominee. The Democrats are of course up in arms over this choice, saying that by not choosing a woman, Bush is attempting to turn SCOTUS into an all-white men's club. While we don't think Bush hasn't been doing a lot of good at anything lately, we also think this is a major overreaction. Then again, the Dems were right about Miers, so who knows?


MSNBC

Bush Picks Philly Judge as SCOTUS Nominee; No Word on Whether or Not Judge Owns an IROC-Z
Topic: Politics

After having his prime candidate and personal lap dog Harriet Miers drop out of contention last week, President Bush has quickly picked a Philadelphia judge with more years of experience than any other member of the Supreme Court during their nomination in over 70 years. Samuel Alito has served as a U.S. Court of Appeals judge for some 15+ years, a strong contrast to Harriet Miers, who served as Bush's personal lawyer for over 10.

“The Supreme Court is an institution I have long held in reverence,” said Alito. “During my 29 years as a public servant, I’ve had an opportunity to view the Supreme Court from a variety of perspectives.”

Alito has also argued 12 cases in front of the Supreme Court, more than any other nominee. The Democrats are of course up in arms over this choice, saying that by not choosing a woman, Bush is attempting to turn SCOTUS into an all-white men's club. While we don't think Bush hasn't been doing a lot of good at anything lately, we also think this is a major overreaction. Then again, the Dems were right about Miers, so who knows?


MSNBC

Fitzgerald to Announce Plamegate Investigation Findings at One; Democrats Wait With Crossed Fingers, Try to Act Tough
Topic: Politics

Special investigator Patrick Fitzgerald will hold a press conference today at 1:00PM CST (that's central time, for all you east-coasters - ed.) to announce the findings and possible indictments of those involved with Plamegate. However, we have the inside dirt already. Would you like to know? Would you?

Rove will not be indicted.

Yet.

Fitzgerald spoke with Rove's attorneys and told them that he hadn't finished his investigation on the special council to the President yet. So we'll keep you updated. As it comes to Scooter, there's no word, but he should be indicted just for working the VOTUS's Chief of Staff and still using the name "Scooter."

Remember folks, actually GOING by your old college nickname isn't cool past the age of 25.


DALLAS MORNING NEWS

Suicide Corpse Mistaken for Halloween Decoration; Our Country is Messed Up
Topic: Stupidity

We know that Halloween is supposed to be scary and shit, but residents of Frederica, Delaware, are a little too morbid for humanity.

After hours of hanging 15 feet in the air, the corpse of a woman who hung herself was finally identified as just that, and not a Halloween decoration.

“They thought it was a Halloween decoration,” Fay Glanden, wife of Mayor William Glanden, told The (Wilmington) News Journal. “It looked like something somebody would have rigged up.”

We usually carve pumpkins, but hanging corpses is acceptable too. Perhaps we should go buy some beef tripe and goat blood and sling it all over our lawn. That way, when someone asks us what the hell happened, we can throw up our arms, smile, and say "Happy Halloween jackass!"


MSNBC

NFL to City of New Orleans; "F*** You."
Topic: Sports

In an act probably meant to cause even more enragement in two parts of the south with lots of violent people and guns, the NFL has been looking into moving the New Orleans Saints to Los Angeles if the devastated city cannot recover from Hurricane Katrina. Then, when Saints management said they were interested in staying in San Antonio, the NFL delivered a pride-obliterating bitch slap, saying that the market in LA was better.

Saints owner Tom Benson released this statement:

“After reviewing the reports about our team and the abundance of wide-sweeping negative media commentary and columns, I offer this: No decision has been made about the future of the team. We have continued to operate and represent the city and fans of New Orleans. When the time is right and the factors that are yet unresolved are resolved, a decision of the future of the team will be made.”

To brings the Saints to LA would give the city an NFL team, something they have been without since 1994 when the Raiders moved back to Oakland because there were tired of being associated with gangs and would rather be associated with gays. New Orleans Hornets owner George Shinn said he would return his basketball team to the city as soon as possible, making us ask, "When did the Hornets leave Charlotte, and why are we drinking old milk laced with NyQuil?"


MSNBC

Harriet Miers Withdraws Nomination; We Still Don't Care
Topic: Politics

Just like the title said, SCOTUS nomination Harriet Miers has withdrawn her nomination, probably because of all the crap she's getting for having absolutely no opinions about anything. That's all we have to say about that, because we never really cared about it anyway.


MSNBC

BREAKING! One of the Bush's Takes Responsibility!
Topic: National News

By the headline statement "One of the..." you could easily tell it was not the psychotically religious President. It was, in fact, Florida Governor Jeb Bush, who today told a crowded room of reporters that the slow reaction to Hurricane Wilma was not FEMA's fault, but his own.

Now some might see this as honorable. We, however, are cynical as all hell, so we see this as a political action plan to have the governor of the state of Louisiana to step forward and accept some of the post-Katrina blame. Will it work? Most likely not. It is smart though. Take the blame and say this is what we should've done, and the echoes of Katrina will slowly move throughout columnists in the media until one day, two years down the road, the Louisiana governor takes the blame and no one remembers for what.

Smart. Futile, but smart.


MSNBC

Man Sprinkles Something You Don't Want to Know About on Pastries
Topic: Texas News

Barf.

Just barf. This is all we can say regarding this. Just goddamn barf.

A 49-year-old Dallas cab driver was caught on video tape sprinkling DRIED HUMAN FECES on pastries at a Fiesta grocery store. The man, who's name we can neither speak nor spell, would dry out human shit in either a microwave or the open air, grate it with a cheese grater, and then sprinkle it on things.

B A R F.


KGBT-TV

Headset and Remote Control Movement! Next Up? Mind Control Over Women! Hooray!
Topic: World News

A Japanese research center has officially been able to disorient human movement by placing a headset over a user's ears and then moving a joystick from side to side. The movement sends electric pulses into the brain, causing the equilibrium in our inner ear to be thrown off and only corrected when we move to where the joystick wants us to go.

In other news? We just got aroused with the thought of the possibilities of becoming the first Jedi fucking master. Yes, we said aroused. Deal with it.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Scooter and Rove to be Indicted Today? The World Waits With Not-Caring Breath
Topic: Politics

Special prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald has wrapped up his case to the grand jury today in the ongoing Plamegate scandal and may announce as early as this afternoon whether or not to charge Karl "Virgin Blood" Rove and I. "Scooter" Libby, VEEP Cheney's Chief of Staff for their part in the leak of CIA agent Valerie Plame's identity. However, it appears that everyone has lost interest. As soon as the focus turned away from Bush and on to Rove, the MSM knew they were dealing with their dark overlord, so they had to stay away for fear of being boiled in oil for eternity.

But the big issue is whether Vice President Cheney passed Plame's identity to Scooter, and if so, whether Bush knew about it. We can answer that one for you curious folks: of course not. It was nap time, and no one's allowed to disturb the President during then because he gets cranky. Developing...


MSNBC

We Suck At Updating This; Apologies All Around
Topic: Embarrassment

We're sorry that we've been rather... shitty... at our posting today, but with the planning of a car show coming into it's final five days, we're unsurprisingly swamped. Hopefully it'll get itself resituated and fixed by tomorrow so we can be stupid on the interweb again.

MSM News Roundup! Hurricanes and Death
Topic: National News

Two major stories have hit the main stream media today, and since there's nothing we find remotely interesting besides them, we're going to lob them up here and hope they stick.

WILMA KICKS FRED'S (AND COUNTRY'S) ASS

AP via YAHOO! NEWS

EVERYONE SIT IN THE BACK OF THE BUS; ROSA PARKS DEAD AT 92

MSNBC

We'll be back after lunch, hopefully with some more news that we can make jokes about instead of posting reverently up here.

Dumb Bitch Threatens to Tie Self to White House Fence; No One Cares
Topic: National News

Opportunistic mother Cindy Sheehan has come out of reclusiveness to strike at an extra 16th minute of fame as the Iraq war deaths approach an astonishingly high (sarcasm - ed.) 2,000. How exactly will she get her notoriety and hopefully another book deal for herself? By tying herself to the White House fence and not untying herself until all the troops are home. Which means we'll get to look forward to some 100 year old bones still tied to the fence by the time American troops leave Iraq. Go idiot woman!

"I'm going to go to Washington, D.C. and I'm going to give a speech at the White House, and after I do, I'm going to tie myself to the fence and refuse to leave until they agree to bring our troops home. And I'll probably get arrested, and when I get out, I'll go back and do the same thing," she said.

We say don't arrest her. In fact, let her stay tied up to the fence. By the time she's untied out of pity and mercy by her hippy "followers," she'll be a sack of bones with some skin holding them together and nothing but rope burns to show off her "strength."

Way to go Cindy Sheehan. You have completely made a fool and mockery of yourself and your cause. As if the whole smiling thing while being arrested and having your protestors attack the DCPD wasn't bad enough, now you're getting into bondage. Sometimes, "stupid" is only an inch away from "insane" afterall.


ABCNEWS

MLB Angry at "Got Milk" Ad; Stop Doing Performance Enhancing Drugs If You Can't Take The Jokes!
Topic: Sports

Athletes have never been accused of being smart, or non-violent or compassionate about much of anything. Since the steroid scandal broke earlier this year, MLB has come under fire and the baseball season has watched as the premier hitters have either backed off of their game or stopped producing at all. While we can only speculate, it seems that the good folks behind the "Got Milk" campaign decided they knew.

In a recent ad, that has been running during the World Series, no less, a player is pulled from a game because he tested positive for a "performance enhancing substance." His coach then pulls a carton of milk out of the player's locker. Ho ho ho. Kind of clever and such, but not according to humorless tits at Major League Baseball.

"There is nothing humorous about steroid abuse," said Tim Brosnan, executive vice president for business for the league. "I would think that the California Milk Processor Board and their advertising agency would know better regarding an issue that threatens America's youth."

Okay Tim, then stop letting your players get away with taking fucking steroids. Pretty easy solution right there. You can check out the ad online at the bottom of the linked page. Or you can watch baseball and pretend to give a crap about the game being played, even though you don't recognize the names of anyone on the field. Baseball has gone down hill...


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Blundering Dunderbutt Alan Greenspan Replaced as Fed Chairman
Topic: National News

President Bush chose Ben Bernanke, chairman of the Council of Economic Advisers, to replace possible alien Alan Greenspan as the new Chairman of the Fed today, taking focus away from the faulty appointment of Harriet Miers, who has come under fire for having no real opinions about anything whatsoever. Seriously, someone probably dresses her in the mornings, because god help her if she had to make a decision of some kind.

Greenspan has screwed up the Fed since 1987 when he originally became Chairman. Lately he has been receiving plenty of dissenting opinions on why he continues to raise the interest rate while natural disasters take a higher-than-normal toll on the American people. Greenspan's response has been to groan and them shuffle away to watch Matlock.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

American Idol; Hate Style
Topic: National News

Seriously, what the hell is wrong with our country when two 13-year-old twin sisters (that incidentally will grow up to hot, if they are not shot first - ed.) who want to sing come out with an album, a music video and another upcoming album glorifying Nazis? No... we're serious.

The Nazi twins, as we're going to refer to them from now on, have been taught by their parents that having our country becoming "muddled" is a bad thing. So much for that whole melting pot idea.

"We're proud of being white, we want to keep being white," said Lynx. "We want our people to stay white … we don't want to just be, you know, a big muddle. We just want to preserve our race."

The Nazi twins names are Lynx and Lamb. With names like that, we don't think their parents hate other cultures and races; we think their parents hate their own kids. This just goes to show you that the only thing good that has ever come out of Bakersfield, California, is a car full of strippers on their way to Vegas.


ABCNEWS via GAWKER

This Week in HoD News; We Contribute to the Greater Good!
Topic: Cars/Automotive

If you own a Ford, watch out for rod knock. If you own Ford stock, you are one unlucky son of a bitch. Check out Jalopnik for the story, but pretty much not only would your stock be considered junk, but the company you invested in somehow capped their third quarter by blowing a billion dollars in revenue and ending up $284 million lower than this time last year.

That's why we drive Subaru. Everyone's fightin' to get them!


JALOPNIK - Thanks Mike

We Should've Purchased Google IPO, Vol. #298,172,903
Topic: National News

We had a chance. It was offered to us. But we balked. At $185 lousy stinking dollars per share. We should've sold the truck and used all of the money to buy IPO.

But we didn't.

And now Google's shares stand at $339.88.

Up 12.1 percent.

$36.68 for the GODDAMN DAY.

And we didn't buy. We would've made $154.88 per share, and we didn't buy. Ten shares would've made us $1,548.80.

Don't ask us for market advice. We'll tell you to buy Google.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS