Dumb Bitch Threatens to Tie Self to White House Fence; No One Cares
Topic: National News

Opportunistic mother Cindy Sheehan has come out of reclusiveness to strike at an extra 16th minute of fame as the Iraq war deaths approach an astonishingly high (sarcasm - ed.) 2,000. How exactly will she get her notoriety and hopefully another book deal for herself? By tying herself to the White House fence and not untying herself until all the troops are home. Which means we'll get to look forward to some 100 year old bones still tied to the fence by the time American troops leave Iraq. Go idiot woman!

"I'm going to go to Washington, D.C. and I'm going to give a speech at the White House, and after I do, I'm going to tie myself to the fence and refuse to leave until they agree to bring our troops home. And I'll probably get arrested, and when I get out, I'll go back and do the same thing," she said.

We say don't arrest her. In fact, let her stay tied up to the fence. By the time she's untied out of pity and mercy by her hippy "followers," she'll be a sack of bones with some skin holding them together and nothing but rope burns to show off her "strength."

Way to go Cindy Sheehan. You have completely made a fool and mockery of yourself and your cause. As if the whole smiling thing while being arrested and having your protestors attack the DCPD wasn't bad enough, now you're getting into bondage. Sometimes, "stupid" is only an inch away from "insane" afterall.


ABCNEWS

MLB Angry at "Got Milk" Ad; Stop Doing Performance Enhancing Drugs If You Can't Take The Jokes!
Topic: Sports

Athletes have never been accused of being smart, or non-violent or compassionate about much of anything. Since the steroid scandal broke earlier this year, MLB has come under fire and the baseball season has watched as the premier hitters have either backed off of their game or stopped producing at all. While we can only speculate, it seems that the good folks behind the "Got Milk" campaign decided they knew.

In a recent ad, that has been running during the World Series, no less, a player is pulled from a game because he tested positive for a "performance enhancing substance." His coach then pulls a carton of milk out of the player's locker. Ho ho ho. Kind of clever and such, but not according to humorless tits at Major League Baseball.

"There is nothing humorous about steroid abuse," said Tim Brosnan, executive vice president for business for the league. "I would think that the California Milk Processor Board and their advertising agency would know better regarding an issue that threatens America's youth."

Okay Tim, then stop letting your players get away with taking fucking steroids. Pretty easy solution right there. You can check out the ad online at the bottom of the linked page. Or you can watch baseball and pretend to give a crap about the game being played, even though you don't recognize the names of anyone on the field. Baseball has gone down hill...


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Blundering Dunderbutt Alan Greenspan Replaced as Fed Chairman
Topic: National News

President Bush chose Ben Bernanke, chairman of the Council of Economic Advisers, to replace possible alien Alan Greenspan as the new Chairman of the Fed today, taking focus away from the faulty appointment of Harriet Miers, who has come under fire for having no real opinions about anything whatsoever. Seriously, someone probably dresses her in the mornings, because god help her if she had to make a decision of some kind.

Greenspan has screwed up the Fed since 1987 when he originally became Chairman. Lately he has been receiving plenty of dissenting opinions on why he continues to raise the interest rate while natural disasters take a higher-than-normal toll on the American people. Greenspan's response has been to groan and them shuffle away to watch Matlock.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

American Idol; Hate Style
Topic: National News

Seriously, what the hell is wrong with our country when two 13-year-old twin sisters (that incidentally will grow up to hot, if they are not shot first - ed.) who want to sing come out with an album, a music video and another upcoming album glorifying Nazis? No... we're serious.

The Nazi twins, as we're going to refer to them from now on, have been taught by their parents that having our country becoming "muddled" is a bad thing. So much for that whole melting pot idea.

"We're proud of being white, we want to keep being white," said Lynx. "We want our people to stay white … we don't want to just be, you know, a big muddle. We just want to preserve our race."

The Nazi twins names are Lynx and Lamb. With names like that, we don't think their parents hate other cultures and races; we think their parents hate their own kids. This just goes to show you that the only thing good that has ever come out of Bakersfield, California, is a car full of strippers on their way to Vegas.


ABCNEWS via GAWKER

This Week in HoD News; We Contribute to the Greater Good!
Topic: Cars/Automotive

If you own a Ford, watch out for rod knock. If you own Ford stock, you are one unlucky son of a bitch. Check out Jalopnik for the story, but pretty much not only would your stock be considered junk, but the company you invested in somehow capped their third quarter by blowing a billion dollars in revenue and ending up $284 million lower than this time last year.

That's why we drive Subaru. Everyone's fightin' to get them!


JALOPNIK - Thanks Mike

We Should've Purchased Google IPO, Vol. #298,172,903
Topic: National News

We had a chance. It was offered to us. But we balked. At $185 lousy stinking dollars per share. We should've sold the truck and used all of the money to buy IPO.

But we didn't.

And now Google's shares stand at $339.88.

Up 12.1 percent.

$36.68 for the GODDAMN DAY.

And we didn't buy. We would've made $154.88 per share, and we didn't buy. Ten shares would've made us $1,548.80.

Don't ask us for market advice. We'll tell you to buy Google.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Who's Whacking Saddam's Attorneys? Uncle Sam?
Topic: World News

The defense attorney who was kidnapped by armed gunmen after Saddam Hussein's first session in court on Thursday was found dead in the streets of Baghdad this morning. Saadoun Sughaiyer al-Janabi was acting as the defense attorney for one of Saddam's seven co-horts who is also on trial. No word yet on whether or not there were any ties to the U.S., Iraqi Police, or former President George H.W. Bush.


MSNBC

We Have Bird Flu Medicine! Screw the Sick and Elderly, We Don't Wanna Die!
Topic: World News

Roche AG of Switzerland has agreed to allow four manufacturers of generic medicines to produce their innoculant Tamiflu, which is currently the only cure for the bird flu virus that is sweeping the world (in the minds of the crazed, media, and mothers - ed.). Senator Chuck Schumer of NY took all the credit, saying that after he met with them, they said OK and allowed the making of the medication.

We probably think it was the billions of dollars they're going to make off of the deal, but whatever Chucky and the Democrats want to think is their own business.


REUTERS via MSNBC

Bypass Surgery! Heart of Darko Housekeeping!
Topic: Housekeeping

In keeping with our new format, we have had to lie to you about our lack of posting. We wanted to surprise you with the goodness that is the new coloration (which will be tweaked - ed.), the new logo (which does kick ass) and our new topics (some of which suck).

So shoot us some feedback and let us know if you like it or not. It's growing on us, and hopefully in a little more time (another year and a half - ed.), we'll get it to where we like it.

Stupid Criminal Sentences Self to 33 Years in Prison to Honor Larry Bird; Bird Commentless
Topic: Stupidity

A dumb ass criminal who knew he was going to prison on charges of robbery and shooting with the intent to kill requested and received a 33 year prison sentence, longer than the 30 years the judge and attorney were going to push for. The genius is, of course, from Oklahoma City and did this to honor Larry Bird, who probably doesn't give a fuck.


MSNBC

Anti-Bacterial Soap is a Sham!
Topic: National News

Experts from the Nonprescription Drugs Advisory Committee have alerted the FDA this morning that anti-bacterial soap claims of killing more bad things than regular soap are nothing but a bunch of hooey. The FDA hired the NDAC to perform this test under accusations that anti-bacterial soaps are helping to create soap-immune bacterium, or Super Bacterium, if you will. We point and laugh at these people, as they're the ones responsible for the whole "bird flu pandemic" joke that is traveling through Europe and Asia.

So what are the good words coming from scientists about how to properly kill bacteria in your own home?

"Bacteria are not going to be destroyed. They've seen dinosaurs come and go. They will be happy to see us come and go. Any attempt to sterilize our home is fraught with failure."

Oh.

Well shit. Might as well take a dump on your carpet and throw your garbage on the couch, cause you're screwed buddy.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

New York Times Profits Drop 52%! We Laugh.
Topic: Media

The New York Times announced today that their profits dropped a whopping 52% from the third quarter of last year, leading us to point and laugh. That's all we're going to say on this issue. The story's posted below if you want to read their flimsy-ass excuse. But if you're like us, you'll just want to point your finger and say, "Eat that, New York Times. Eat that. Does that taste good over your girly mouth? We bet it does."


MARKET WATCH

Bush Panders to Repetitive Music-Loving Crowd, Dines With Bono
Topic: Entertainment

President Bush seems to be changing his ways. After his latest bout of crazy involving god, Harriet Miers and Karl Rove, the President now looks to be pandering. This can be seen by his Wednesday lunch with U2 front man Bono, who loves nothing more than to make tons of money and give some of it back to the community. By some, we mean around .5%.

White House spokesman Scotty Mac said that the lunch would be a continuation of the discussion they had in July at the G8 ceremony after Cheney took off Bush's training wheels and he fell over, giving himself an "ouchie."

"They had a very good discussion about some of our common priorities," McClellan said. "Both share a deep commitment to combating AIDS, preventing malaria and expanding trade to lift people out of poverty."

After all the hatred spewed at Bush by other aging rockers (how old is Bono? 50? - ed.), such as Elton John and Mick "Skeletor" Jagger, we wonder if he's trying to get someone on his side with some influence of something besides money. Like young, groupie ass.


BREITBART

Irony Strikes Dangerous Dog Bill Author in Own Home
Topic: Embarrassment

The author of a new bill against dangerous dogs was hospitalized over the weekend after an attack in his home by his own dog. Bob Schwartz was sent to the ER after suffering multiple injuries on both arms from repeated bites that he received from one of his three dogs.

Schwartz owns two English bulldogs, a boxer, and a butt load of embarrassment. No word has been received from a Schwartz family spokesman, but you know it's going to be good when we finally get some. Irony - not just for sitcoms anymore.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Madeleine Albright to Kill Male Audience of "Gilmore Girls"
Topic: Entertainment

Sadly, we admit to being fans of the WB's "Gilmore Girls." Why, you may ask as you shun us from the rest of your lives? Because the stories involve two smart, well-read women traversing life and taking everything in stride with large amounts of humor and non-sappy sentimentality. That and both the main girls are freaking hottttt.

But we might have to miss the October 25 episode, just so that our lusting over a near-jail bait actress and her mid-thirties "mother" is not completely crushed with the addition of former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright to the lineup. Albright will make her appearance that evening, thus killing the erections of every male viewer that the show has.

"I am a big fan of 'Gilmore Girls' and I had a great time," Albright said in a statement Tuesday. "It was an opportunity to do something different for a quick minute, and I learned how hard it is to memorize those lines."

Must have been a lot of dialog, considering that this woman had to support Clinton's BS for eight years. Maybe we will watch, if just to bring us back to reality that not all college-age girls have MILFs waiting at home to cuddle with...


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Government Denied $280 Billion From Tobacco Companies! BILLION! Holy Crap That's A Lot of Money!
Topic: National News

While Bush may be in the back pocket of the oil companies, no one can try and say that he's backed by Big Tobacco. After scoring a $280 billion judgment against the tobacco companies after nine months of litigation, the Bush administration tried to close on the monies now, probably to help alleviate hurricane and war payments. But the courts said "no sir" and shot down this attempt. Why exactly? We haven't read that far ahead. Something involving RICO laws and racketeering or something like that. Hang on... okay here it is:

The Supreme Court is already hearing a case involving the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act, and whether the law can be used against anti-abortion protesters. The law, aimed primarily at fighting mobsters, has both criminal and civil provisions.

The $280 billion is the most ever sought in a civil racketeering trial. The government has described that as an estimate of money that companies including Philip Morris and R.J. Reynolds earned illegally through fraudulent activities.

There's a lot more, and our NyQuil has kicked in, so you can read it yourself. Hurry! Before the fairies come in and steal your lamb chops! What?


MSNBC

Housekeeping! Allergies Keep Us Down
Topic: Housekeeping

We're very sorry that you have not gotten your daily fill of stupid from us today, but we're currently battling a rough bout of a cold and allergies that have combined to punch us in the groin, throat, head and liver multiple times. We're down! Oh what an ending!

ABC Survery for Commander in Chief Insulting to ABC... and Hillary Clinton
Topic: Entertainment

As proven by Defamer, sometimes you know a show will not strike a certain member(s) of the audience. However, ABC crossed their own line and decided it was time to insults not only their own program, but their own network. They also threw in Hillary Clinton for good measure.



We know it's hard to read, but click on the link below to be taken to the whole survey, where you can read see checked boxes for reasons not to like the show, such as "It reminds me too much of Hillary Clinton, and the fact she might run for President in 2008." Good stuff ABC, good stuff indeed.


DEFAMER

We're Popular! Or So We Think...
Topic: Cars/Automotive

Editor Mike Spinelli of the great auto blog Jalopnik (which has been linked to the left for over eight months, and if you haven't clicked on it yet, then shame on you) has recently decided to join the rest of Gawker Media and allow for comment posting on his site.

We thank Mike for the invite and hope that our brand of idiotic tipsterism can be of some use in the coming times. Look for posts by commentator TexansAreHot, because we are, in fact, hawt.


JALOPNIK ANNOUNCEMENTS

Embattled Ump Speaks Out! So Stop Emailing Us, Because the Braves Lost and We Don't Care!
Topic: Sports

Ravenous fans hurl angry obscenities and comments at umpires all the time. However, now that people have finally remembered baseball is still being played and is available to watch free of charge on TV, a small outcry has grown over the supposed "blown call" from the umpire in the Angels/White Sox game from a few nights ago.

For those that either don't remember or couldn't give two shits, White Sox catcher A.J. Pierzynski struck out swinging and ran to first, as the ump ruled the pitch in the dirt. He ended up scoring, and the entire fan base of the Angels blamed it on a blown call. Well, after days of being escorted everywhere by security guards, the official in charge of the call has spoken out about it... and pretty much kept the going. *sigh* This is why we drink.

"The only thing I'm down on myself is I should have sold it either way," Doug Eddings said. "I should have either said, 'No catch,' or, if I did have a catch, that he was out. Which I never said: 'He's out."

So there you have it sports fans; dude was not out. Don't read into it too much. He was not out. At least you didn't get a foul ball stolen away from you like the Cubs did a couple of years ago. That poor from back then probably had to legally change his name to Shithead Screwsupalot.


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