Rove to Fly Over From Transylvania and Give Last Minute CIA leak Testimony
Topic: National News

Bush's chief aide and architect Karl Rove will indeed give a last minute testimony to federal prosecutors investigating the leak of CIA agent Valerie Plame's identity. While the prosecuting attorneys said that there wouldn't be any guarantee that he wouldn't be indicted, we all know that they work for the same boss as Rove (Satan), so it's all good.

So now that the Rove is cooperating voluntarily, it'll be interesting to see how easy they go on him. The fact that most people in the Beltway are scared as hell of him is a pretty good thing for the Master too, so we'll keep you updated on who gets flayed alive in a secret chamber in the White House and who doesn't. DRINK BLOOD!


MSNBC

Where Can We Get One of These? NOW.
Topic: World News

Some of you may complain that this item has little or nothing to do with real news. To that we tell you to look on this damn site and tell us anything on there that DOES have anything to do with real news.

Two students at the University of Saarbruecken outside of Berlin, Germany, have invented a coaster with sensors inside of it that weigh a pint of beer and automatically send a signal to the bar when the drinker is out of alcohol. The creators also claim that a motion sensor inside the plastic mat can also be activated behind the bar if waved around. Of course, this action worked just fine with a regular coaster, t-shirt or towel, but hey, if they want motion sensors, they can have motion sensors.

At 84 euros, the prototype is a little steep, but the team thinks they can mass produce it for under 10 euros. Word has it a distributor in North America is interested in purchasing the rights to distribute it. They're called us.


REUTERS

Telephone Voting? Get Your Slide Whistles Ready to Throw an Election!
Topic: National News

How would you like to pick up your home telephone, enter some simple information, and vote for who you think should run the country into the ground. Well, not the country, but maybe your county.

The Wall Street Journal reported today that my 2006, all states will have local phone-voting that could possibly change to full service national voting as phone encryption gets better. Vermont will be the first state to enact this measure of voting, but only in polling places, thus making absolutely no sense for even attempting this method. You don't have time to vote, so you can simply drive to your polling place, pick up the phone and call. Then you can drive home and realize you've wasted more time than necessary. Ah America.


DRUDGE REPORT

Jimmy Carter's Son to Run For Senate; Pussy-foot Way Around Issues
Topic: Politics

In a move that shocked no one because no one cared, former President Jimmy Carter's oldest son Jack has announced he is seriously considering running for the Senate in the 2006 election. No word yet on whether or not he will be as ineffective and as much of a pussy as his father.

Jack Carter, obviously attempting to position himself away from his father's "do nothing and hope it turns out well" political motto, has labeled himself a "social liberal with conservative Southern roots," which pretty much means he's a Socialist.

He apparently began looking into running for the Senate after being so upset by how Hurricane Katrina was handled. That's right; he's running for the Senate because of the goddamn weather. Not the war. Now poverty. Not the misappropriation of funds. Weather. Weather. W E A T H E R.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Honda Designs Car to Embarrass the Hell Out of Your Dog; Comes With Convenient Dash-Crapper
Topic: Stupidity

This is so damn stupid we can barely imagine ourselves writing about it... but we are, so shut up and listen to the stupid that Honda has decided on; the W.O.W. "Pooch Car," or "Wonderfully Openhearted Wagon." Yes, a car designed with dogs in mind, including a big ass hole in the dashboard where you can put your dog right behind the engine, so that in case of a crash, it'll get squashed instantly instead of being inhumanely thrown out of the vehicle.

The W.O.W., or Piece of Shit, as we call it, also features special doggy seat belts, crates in the floor and washable flooring that can be rolled out. We love our dog, but she rides in the Subaru with her own special seat belt that was purchased at Petco. Total cost to us? $30. Cuter than a two foot hole in our dash? You bet your ass. Crazy damned Japanese...


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Holy Crap! Harry Reid a Fan of Someone Besides Harry Reid?
Topic: Politics

Liberals and conservatives were both shocked when Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid praised SCOTUS nominee Harriet Miers so much after the announcement of Bush's choosing of her to replace Sandra Day O'Connor. Mostly because Reid is a huge prick who has been known to attack over nothing. Reid, however, sees this as nothing big and simply explains that Miers "has real world experience." Yes, and being a judge for ten years means that you don't, but whatever Harry.

"As bright and brilliant and as good a lawyer as Judge Roberts was, I asked him - he'd never taken a deposition, he'd never picked a jury, never tried a case," Reid said. "He never tried a case. She has. We need people like that who have real-life experiences."

Okay Harry, HAVE YOU? Nope. Most attorneys don't try cases. There are patent attorneys, fiscal attorneys, research attorneys, you name it. Not everyone is a criminal prosecutor Harry. We're not stupid, but we've never tried a case either. That doesn't mean that we should be a judge, but maybe just a Senator. What do you think Harry?

Reid also said that even though he is denouncing any cronyism (the word of the week! - ed.) going on in politics, he will keep Miers out of his statements regarding that, because he loves her so much. Man... dude needs to get laid or get Cinemax.


KNIGHT RIDDER

Cartoon of the Day! Hammer Time!
Topic: Political Cartoons

In honor of former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay's second indictment, we give you this cartoon from Nick Anderson of the Louisville Courier-Journal. Funny how everything sort of runs together... and we thought that everyone had forgotten Rostenkowski. Good memory Nick!

Worst. Doctor. Ever.
Topic: Stupidity

An Oregon doctor has been sued for $4 million for a different type of malpractice, as her doctor said he could get rid of her back pain by having sex with her. The retard, sorry, we meant victim, agreed to many 45-minute "sessions" and then finally realized that, holy crap, the doctor just wanted to get his rocks off.

While the doctor has denied any wrongdoing in the boning area, he has admitted committing fraud by filing the woman's $5,000 sessions (was he a man-whore or a doctor? - ed.) with his insurance. The doctor has since been terminated from the office where he practiced and stripped of his license, whereas his unnamed patient was stripped of both her dignity and any pretense that she was intelligent.


MSNBC

Judith Miller Gets Book Deal for Pretending to Fight for Freedom or Ethics or Some Shit
Topic: National News

The unjailable Judith Miller has been given a book deal. In honor of her use of the media to get herself rich, we're going to post, via Gawker (which was via HuffPo, but we refuse to visit there - ed.), a great list of how to become a faux martyr so that you may gain national recognition and lots of adoration and money. So here we go, compliments of Jessica at Gawker's paraphrasing of Ariana Huffington's bilingual rantings.

How to score a book deal in 10 easy steps:

1. Work at New York Times
2. Unquestioningly run spoonfed information regarding WMDs
3. Look like an asshole, embarrass your publication
3. Write MASH notes to cabinet members
4. Declare yourself Queen of Iraq
5. Muddle up some espionage leaks
6. Look like an asshole, embarrass your publication
7. Refuse to talk about anything, despite having full permission to do so
8. Reinvent self as First Amendment freedom fighter
9. Go to jail for 12 weeks, listen to hip-hop
10. Sign $1.2 million book deal


GAWKER via HUFFPO (EWW, HUFFPO!)

DeLay-Watch! Drug Running Charges Being Probed Too, As Are "Whacking A Guy" Charges
Topic: Texas News

Is former GOP majority leader Tom DeLay a member of a secret Texas money-laundering cartel? Or is he perhaps... the ringleader? That's what the grand jury said late yesterday in Travis County, Texas. DeLay was re-indicted on charges of conspiring to commit money laundering and the big one of money laundering. Democrats have been waiting for this moment for months, and especially with Bill Frist on the ropes, it makes for a great beginning to the Devil's Month for the lefties.

“Ronnie Earle has stooped to a new low with his brand of prosecutorial abuse,” DeLay said in a statement. “He is trying to pull the legal equivalent of a ‘do-over’ since he knows very well that the charges he brought against me last week are totally manufactured and illegitimate. This is an abomination of justice.”

Ah yes, Ronnie Earle, the infamous attorney who prosecuted... himself. While we're absolutely sure that DeLay and Co. will bribe and "convince" the right people, the big question is whether or not this will cause irreparable harm to the GOP. We think yes, but we care very little.

The second question is whether or not this is going to affect the confirmation hearings of Bush-proposed SCOTUS Harriet Miers. With the Democrats feeling sated after the indictment of DeLay and investigation of Frist, they might let Miers off relatively easy, despite the fact that she has no judicial experience and has been Bush's personal lawyer for over a decade. Or will they find some nude pictures from her younger days as a clerk in a Dallas law firm? Because this story needs some spice, and that would be hot.


MSNBC

Nicolas Cage Takes Level of Dorkiness to Outrageously Insane Levels; Happy Father's Day, Ass
Topic: Stupidity

We file this under stupidity because we canNOT believe how dumb Nic Cage is. After putting out some really good and really bad movies and being paid tens of millions of dollars a year for being a professional mope, Nicolas Cage has finally detached himself from all reality, instead moving in to a world of complete idiocy and wonder known as Crazy. So much so, in fact, that we have to quote the Associated Press because our fingers will not allow us to type this level of crazy.

His wife, Alice Kim Cage, gave birth Monday to a boy, Kal-el Coppola Cage, in New York City, said Cage's Los Angeles-based publicist, Annett Wolf.

Did you get that part? Did you? It's not that his wife is not legal to drink and he's upwards of 50 years old, or even that his publicist remained in LA while her client gave birth in NYC (usually, publicists attempt to be at the hospital to catch the afterbirth... trust us, we know, we are one - ed.). No no, dear friends, it's the fact that Nicolas Cage named his newborn so KAL-EL, otherwise known as the birth name of motherfucking Superman.

Yes, Nic Cage is a complete dork idiot crazy person who just happens to mope around professionally for a living. God help us, as we have shaken his hand and are shaking in our boots with the fear that our hand may take over our body and make us start punching infants.


ASSOCIATED PRESS

Gov. Schwarzenegger Sets Triple Higher Damages for Paparazzi; Actors Prepare Weapons for Eventual Paparazzi Hunting Law
Topic: Entertainment

Coddyfoynia Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger passed legislation today to raise the amount a celebrity can sue a paparazzi for damages by three times, meaning that the next time an aggressive photographer slams into the side of some over privileged 18-year-old starlet's $120,000 Mercedes, she can take away everything he owns in a court of law, sell it all for profit, and then freebase that profit out of a light bulb.

While this law is supposed to cover the asses of celebrities such as Reese Witherspoon (who was recently followed home in a high speed chase; just remember, there have to be at least two vehicles in a high speed chase, so driving normally would've stopped that) and Scarlett Johansson, who, whoops! ended up not getting into a paparazzi-caused wreck and just couldn't drive through a Disneyland parking lot.

So what it comes down to is that a normal fine for a paparazzi-caused accident is $20,000. They would now owe $60,000. However, the photos that were taken of said "celebrity" or "event" sold for $100,000. We're pretty sure that this is a ridiculous bit of legislation and that it won't help shit. Way to go Governor Ahnuld: you made another Jingle All the Way.


VARIETY

Palestinian Cops Break Into Parliament, Fire Ammunition to Protest Not Enough, umm, Ammunition
Topic: World News

Because sometimes (always - ed.) we don't understand foreign cultures, we won't understand why Palestinian police officers broke into Parliament firing bullets into the air during a protest centered around the police not having enough bullets and gun. Seems like of self-defeating, but we're not Palestinian.

The protest came after the Deputy Chief of Shati was killed during an RPG and small arms fire attack by Hamas that also wounded 50 others. Palestinian police were almost as outgunned as LAPD was during the Hollywood Bank Robbery, but at least our cops took the dudes down.

You would also think that since firing a gun into the air is the Middle Eastern national pastime, there would be a lot more random deaths and oh... there are. Yeah, that's our bad.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Bush Picks Relative Unkown to Replace O'Connor; Honestly Though, Does Anyone Know Who Any of These People Are?
Topic: National News

President Bush has nominated attorney and White House Special Counsel Harriet Miers to replace Sandra Day O'Connor on the SCOTUS, while O'Connor remains at least another two months on the job solving some last minute important cases. Miers may come under fire for never having been a judge, therefore shielding her thoughts on important issues like Roe v. Wade. And before anybody says anything, we know she's a woman and where she probably stands on that issue, but you know Teddy Kennedy's going to heavily breathe his way out of a drunken slumber to bring that one up.

“She has devoted her life to the rule of law and the cause of justice,” Bush said, announcing his choice from the Oval Office with Miers at his side. “She will be an outstanding addition to the Supreme Court of the United States.”

While Miers stood sheepishly by his side, the President never once called her "this chick" or "honey bear." Miers then took the podium to speak for the first time words that will soon be drowned out by partisan bitching.

"If confirmed, I recognize I will have a tremendous responsibility to keep our judicial system strong and to help insure the court meets their obligations to strictly apply the laws and Constitution.”

That's great and all, but even we know that and we've never taken a single law school class. We'll get back to you in a couple of minutes when all the left-wingers come out of the woodwork with documents and cases shes tried, proving that not only is she a woman-hating racist lesbian, but she also killed Jesus.


MSNBC

Judith Miller Comes Home
Topic: Media

Everyone's favorite jailed, lip-zipping reporter, Judy Miller of The New York Times, is finally able to come home... and by home, apparently Bill Keller means "the office." What a dick.

To: NYT
Subject: MESSAGE FROM BILL KELLER
09/30/2005 02:20 PM

Judy Miller is deeply grateful to all the people on the staff for their support during her time in jail. She’s eager to come in and say so personally — but we’ve ordered her to take the weekend off.

We expect her to come into the newsroom on Monday afternoon to give her personal thanks.

Bill


GAWKER

Army Need a Few... uh... Men. A Few Thousand, Actually
Topic: National News

The Army can't recruit for shit, apparently. Even though they're going to miss their recruiting mark by an estimated 7,000 people, it's still the worst slump in an entire year since 1979. The Army Reserve and Army National Guard sucked even worse.

Turns out that people either A.) Don't like being shot at, or B.) Get shot at enough in their own neighborhoods. So what to do now? Free T-shirts, videos and on line boot camps didn't work, so maybe a ploy of actually PAYING SOLDIERS GOOD MONEY would help. We don't know; we're not recruiters.

But we do know that our Photoshop job was the best work we have ever done, so piss off.





AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Mis-Managed News Roundup! Better Late Than Never Edition
Topic: National News

We are 100% aware that most of this news is from yesterday. However, we don't care. After not being in the office all day, there was nothing we could write about, since we really hadn't been paying attention at all. So here comes yesterday's roundup... today. We'll also get today's news out of the way as well so we can back to bed for another seven hours.

John G. Roberts was confirmed yesterday as the next Supreme Court Justice of the United States. He'll serve until he's a wrinkly old codger like Rehnquist, so expect around 35 years or so of Democrats and their pouty faces. He was sworn in this morning. AP



What the hell is it with GOP congressmen and corruption? That's right, they're GOP congressmen. Bill Frist's HCA Inc. chain of hospitals is now under SEC investigation, since HCA members were selling stock like crazy ahead of a major announcement that would kill the price. Frist says he had the money in a blind trust, so there's no way he would know what was going on. Not sure about that, but whatevs. AP

Judith Miller is finally going to testify about the Valerie Plame case in front of a federal grand jury today on whether or not a Cheney aide named "Scooter" linked the information to her. We're sure of two things; Judy Miller will get her million dollar book deal and we don't really give a damn anymore about this crap. YAHOO! NEWS

Officers who looted a Wal-mart in New Orleans after hurricane Katrina, and were caught on tape stealing shoes (remember when they tried to say they were going to catch looters? while they themselves were looting? classic - ed.), are being investigated into whether or not it was inappropriate conduct. Hmm, considering they're police officers and were caught... LOOTING... we're going with a big old "yes." MSNBC

President Bush is on a roll, at least politically speaking, with Roberts being confirmed. He'll announce his next choice in the coming week. Be ready for lovely partisan bickering, unless it's, to quote the President, "a chick or someone darker than me." MSNBC

Cindy Sheehan Desperately Clings to Celebrity Status; Calls McCain a "War-monger"
Topic: National News

Before anybody brings it up, we are fully aware that even though we think she's a fool who's soiling her son's honorable name, we're helping keep her in the news. However, we're entitled to, because dammit, we're just trying to keep up our readership here. It's not like we're friggin' FoxNews or something.

But back to the story.

Cindy Sheehan met with John McCain today during her tour of Congressional meetings trying to rally support to bring home the troops immediately from Iraq. While she will, of course, fail miserably, she has energized the jobless morons across the country who have worn their Birkenstocks down to the soles while following Sheehan around as she is carted from rally to rally in donated luxury.

But back to the story again.

The McCain meeting did not go well for Sheehan. She had this to say after leaving, which will only strengthen her credibility:

"He is a warmonger, and I'm not."

We think there should be a requirement that stupid people should not be given air time. That includes all the hurricane evacuees who cannot understand why their house washed away even though it was built in the 1840's below fucking sea level.

But back to the story for a third time.

McCain did not have much of a sunnier disposition after leaving the meeting either.

"She's entitled to her opinion. We just have fundamental disagreements."

Apparently Sheehan also lied about things that McCain did not say regarding his opinion of the President and other such crap, but we're tired of this woman, we give her the finger and look for more cheerful, non-opportunistic news.


USA TODAY (where REAL Americans go for news)

Tom DeLay Indicted on Conspiracy Issues; Prepare for Non-Stop Media Coverage
Topic: National News

House Majority Leader Tom DeLay was indicted today in a federal probe investigating alleged campaign finance conspiracy along with two other of his associates. He stepped down today temporarily in order to beat the Democrat's outcry of him stepping down.

“I have notified the speaker that I will temporarily step aside from my position as majority leader pursuant to rules of the House Republican Conference and the actions of the Travis County district attorney today,” DeLay said.

With a possible sentence that would carry two years if convicted, DeLay will undoubtedly face the toughest mud-slinging from politicians and the media, who need something else to go after the GOP for after the Bush administration took care of their shit during Hurricane Rita. Of course, DeLay's attorneys and spokesmen are claiming this as politically motivated, but what else is new? Wasn't that the excuse that Clinton gave for the bj?


MSNBC

Cartoon of the Day! Milking it for Everything it's Worth
Topic: Political Cartoons

Now that even The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, the refuge on Comedy Central that has turned into a massive liberabl bitchfest in which many of the show's anchors and producers use sometimes damn funny comedy to spill their own politics and ideologies into the mainstream while pretending they're being "groundbreaking," has begun to attack activist Cindy Sheehan as the idiot/oportunistic jerkoff that she is, it's only right that we post up this cartoon from Gary Varvel. Pretty much describes how we think everyone in America feels now. Thanks Gary!