Shield Law Sponsor Turns Prick; Bloggers "Probably Not" Journalists
Topic: Media

Senator Richard Lugar, the sponsor of the proposed Shield Law, which would, in essence, protect freedom of the press while licensing journalists, has recently made statements saying that most bloggers would not fall under the protection of the shield law. However, after looking at the terms of the first draft of the Free Flow of Information Act of 2005, there's no reason to see why this wouldn't cover our pitiful kind.

From the draft:

"covered person" protected by the bill's terms includes "any entity that disseminates information by print, broadcast, cable, satellite, mechanical, photographic, electronic, or other means and that publishes a newspaper, book, magazine, or other periodical in print or electronic form; operates a radio or television station (or network of such stations), cable system, or satellite carrier, or channel or programming service for any such station, network, system, or carrier; or operates a news agency or wire service." The legislation also covers employees, contractors or other persons who "gathers, edits, photographs, records, prepares, or disseminates news or information for any such entity."

Not that you read all of that. Shit, we didn't read all of that and we're writing about it. So pretty much, our reporting of this fact to you, the readers that otherwise would not have checked their email box to notice this had been forwarded to them, is not in itself journalistically protected. Therefore if we said something to the effect of licensing journalists is the first step to a socialist society and Richard Lugar blows goats, we would be in pretty big trouble with the government. Thank god we didn't say that. Oh crap...


EDITOR & PUBLISHER

Rich, Idiot Actress Worried About Poor People Affected By Hurricanes
Topic: Stupidity

We do not like Susan Sarandon. We're sure she's a very nice person and all of that normal shit that people say, but she's a retard. Not quite as bad as Sean Penn, but mildly retarded nonetheless.

After a complete deluge of news revolving around the hurricanes since they first formed, you cannot go one minute during a news broadcast without hearing some new information regarding anything regarding the two long gone storms. But Sarandon seems to think this is not enough.

"You had these really dramatic TV pictures and little sound bites of people standing in the rain. What happens when the rain stops and the water goes down - then you're getting to the heart of following through where the relief money is going, who's getting the contracts to rebuild and how the money is being spent."

We have a suggestion that Sarandon might actually like. Take Al Gore's awful CURRENT TV and turn it into the 24-hour Hurricane 2005 Channel. It could use the ratings, and then it would be like C-SPAN. If you want useless information, you know where to ignore it at.

Sarandon's final statement though, is the real kicker.

"Now, at least, we're aware and America is aware about how other Americans have been living. Nobody's been paying any attention to them."

Says the rich actress from behind the secure walls of her Hollywood mansion. Susan, we're not poor, and yet we don't have enough money to live well, so we suggest either giving your money to those "other Americans" or shutting your big dumb mouth.


CONTACT MUSIC

New Orleans Police Just Can't Stop Screwing Up
Topic: National News

Mere weeks after being caught on video looting a Wal-mart and stealing some 200+ cars for "patrol" purposes, the New Orleans police are in trouble again, this time for beating a 64 year old man who was being arrested for public intoxication. Then, to make matters worse, an officer slammed an AP producer up against a car before punching him in the stomach and letting loose on him for not stopping filming. Way to go NOLA PD.

“We have great concern with what we saw this morning,” Captain Marlon Defillo said after he and about a dozen other high-ranking police department officials watched the APTN footage Sunday. “It’s a troubling tape, no doubt about it. ... This department will take immediate action.”

And surprisingly, they did. The four officers involved in the case have all been dismissed without pay and charged with battery. The drunken 64-year-old was charged with a PI, resisting arrest, assaulting an officer and being black. The excuse for the behavior from the police, as quoted directly from the video tape, was "I’ve been here for six weeks trying to keep ... alive."

Ah. Sure, that's an... excuse.

Link to the video is below. Proceed with caution tough, as it is pretty violent and you'll have to deal with Ann Curry at the beginning of it. I swear, that girl is so dumb you can look into her eyes and through the back of her head.


MSNBC

McCain in 2008? Finally, Someone From the Right We'd be Willing to Vote For
Topic: Politics

Will John McCain run for president in the 2008 election, mostly against rival and now-friend Hillary Clinton? Possibly, says him. Yes, says us.

While McCain has completely ruled out running as the undercard on a presidential ticket, he has alluded to a possible run at the White House. And if he does and he has to face Hillary Clinton, there's nothing that Hill and her attack womb can do against the Senator from Arizona. Especially since her credibility has been rocked ever since she was born, while his is still completely intact.

McCain will let everyone know whether or not he is running after the 2006 elections, so we're finally getting closer to what we already know; the Democrats are screwed.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Housekeeping! Escaping the Invading Football Fans
Topic: Housekeeping

Because of the descent of thousands of drunken idiot UT and OU football fans invading our small slice of hell that is downtown Dallas this weekend for the 100th annual Red River Shootout, we're getting the crap out of here early today without a single story posted so that we may stock up on ammunition and beer while we still have some time.

So everyone have a safe weekend, and stay away from Dallas. Especially if you come in our neighborhood, because we'll shoot a mofo just for looking lost.

Rove to Fly Over From Transylvania and Give Last Minute CIA leak Testimony
Topic: National News

Bush's chief aide and architect Karl Rove will indeed give a last minute testimony to federal prosecutors investigating the leak of CIA agent Valerie Plame's identity. While the prosecuting attorneys said that there wouldn't be any guarantee that he wouldn't be indicted, we all know that they work for the same boss as Rove (Satan), so it's all good.

So now that the Rove is cooperating voluntarily, it'll be interesting to see how easy they go on him. The fact that most people in the Beltway are scared as hell of him is a pretty good thing for the Master too, so we'll keep you updated on who gets flayed alive in a secret chamber in the White House and who doesn't. DRINK BLOOD!


MSNBC

Where Can We Get One of These? NOW.
Topic: World News

Some of you may complain that this item has little or nothing to do with real news. To that we tell you to look on this damn site and tell us anything on there that DOES have anything to do with real news.

Two students at the University of Saarbruecken outside of Berlin, Germany, have invented a coaster with sensors inside of it that weigh a pint of beer and automatically send a signal to the bar when the drinker is out of alcohol. The creators also claim that a motion sensor inside the plastic mat can also be activated behind the bar if waved around. Of course, this action worked just fine with a regular coaster, t-shirt or towel, but hey, if they want motion sensors, they can have motion sensors.

At 84 euros, the prototype is a little steep, but the team thinks they can mass produce it for under 10 euros. Word has it a distributor in North America is interested in purchasing the rights to distribute it. They're called us.


REUTERS

Telephone Voting? Get Your Slide Whistles Ready to Throw an Election!
Topic: National News

How would you like to pick up your home telephone, enter some simple information, and vote for who you think should run the country into the ground. Well, not the country, but maybe your county.

The Wall Street Journal reported today that my 2006, all states will have local phone-voting that could possibly change to full service national voting as phone encryption gets better. Vermont will be the first state to enact this measure of voting, but only in polling places, thus making absolutely no sense for even attempting this method. You don't have time to vote, so you can simply drive to your polling place, pick up the phone and call. Then you can drive home and realize you've wasted more time than necessary. Ah America.


DRUDGE REPORT

Jimmy Carter's Son to Run For Senate; Pussy-foot Way Around Issues
Topic: Politics

In a move that shocked no one because no one cared, former President Jimmy Carter's oldest son Jack has announced he is seriously considering running for the Senate in the 2006 election. No word yet on whether or not he will be as ineffective and as much of a pussy as his father.

Jack Carter, obviously attempting to position himself away from his father's "do nothing and hope it turns out well" political motto, has labeled himself a "social liberal with conservative Southern roots," which pretty much means he's a Socialist.

He apparently began looking into running for the Senate after being so upset by how Hurricane Katrina was handled. That's right; he's running for the Senate because of the goddamn weather. Not the war. Now poverty. Not the misappropriation of funds. Weather. Weather. W E A T H E R.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Honda Designs Car to Embarrass the Hell Out of Your Dog; Comes With Convenient Dash-Crapper
Topic: Stupidity

This is so damn stupid we can barely imagine ourselves writing about it... but we are, so shut up and listen to the stupid that Honda has decided on; the W.O.W. "Pooch Car," or "Wonderfully Openhearted Wagon." Yes, a car designed with dogs in mind, including a big ass hole in the dashboard where you can put your dog right behind the engine, so that in case of a crash, it'll get squashed instantly instead of being inhumanely thrown out of the vehicle.

The W.O.W., or Piece of Shit, as we call it, also features special doggy seat belts, crates in the floor and washable flooring that can be rolled out. We love our dog, but she rides in the Subaru with her own special seat belt that was purchased at Petco. Total cost to us? $30. Cuter than a two foot hole in our dash? You bet your ass. Crazy damned Japanese...


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Holy Crap! Harry Reid a Fan of Someone Besides Harry Reid?
Topic: Politics

Liberals and conservatives were both shocked when Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid praised SCOTUS nominee Harriet Miers so much after the announcement of Bush's choosing of her to replace Sandra Day O'Connor. Mostly because Reid is a huge prick who has been known to attack over nothing. Reid, however, sees this as nothing big and simply explains that Miers "has real world experience." Yes, and being a judge for ten years means that you don't, but whatever Harry.

"As bright and brilliant and as good a lawyer as Judge Roberts was, I asked him - he'd never taken a deposition, he'd never picked a jury, never tried a case," Reid said. "He never tried a case. She has. We need people like that who have real-life experiences."

Okay Harry, HAVE YOU? Nope. Most attorneys don't try cases. There are patent attorneys, fiscal attorneys, research attorneys, you name it. Not everyone is a criminal prosecutor Harry. We're not stupid, but we've never tried a case either. That doesn't mean that we should be a judge, but maybe just a Senator. What do you think Harry?

Reid also said that even though he is denouncing any cronyism (the word of the week! - ed.) going on in politics, he will keep Miers out of his statements regarding that, because he loves her so much. Man... dude needs to get laid or get Cinemax.


KNIGHT RIDDER

Cartoon of the Day! Hammer Time!
Topic: Political Cartoons

In honor of former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay's second indictment, we give you this cartoon from Nick Anderson of the Louisville Courier-Journal. Funny how everything sort of runs together... and we thought that everyone had forgotten Rostenkowski. Good memory Nick!

Worst. Doctor. Ever.
Topic: Stupidity

An Oregon doctor has been sued for $4 million for a different type of malpractice, as her doctor said he could get rid of her back pain by having sex with her. The retard, sorry, we meant victim, agreed to many 45-minute "sessions" and then finally realized that, holy crap, the doctor just wanted to get his rocks off.

While the doctor has denied any wrongdoing in the boning area, he has admitted committing fraud by filing the woman's $5,000 sessions (was he a man-whore or a doctor? - ed.) with his insurance. The doctor has since been terminated from the office where he practiced and stripped of his license, whereas his unnamed patient was stripped of both her dignity and any pretense that she was intelligent.


MSNBC

Judith Miller Gets Book Deal for Pretending to Fight for Freedom or Ethics or Some Shit
Topic: National News

The unjailable Judith Miller has been given a book deal. In honor of her use of the media to get herself rich, we're going to post, via Gawker (which was via HuffPo, but we refuse to visit there - ed.), a great list of how to become a faux martyr so that you may gain national recognition and lots of adoration and money. So here we go, compliments of Jessica at Gawker's paraphrasing of Ariana Huffington's bilingual rantings.

How to score a book deal in 10 easy steps:

1. Work at New York Times
2. Unquestioningly run spoonfed information regarding WMDs
3. Look like an asshole, embarrass your publication
3. Write MASH notes to cabinet members
4. Declare yourself Queen of Iraq
5. Muddle up some espionage leaks
6. Look like an asshole, embarrass your publication
7. Refuse to talk about anything, despite having full permission to do so
8. Reinvent self as First Amendment freedom fighter
9. Go to jail for 12 weeks, listen to hip-hop
10. Sign $1.2 million book deal


GAWKER via HUFFPO (EWW, HUFFPO!)

DeLay-Watch! Drug Running Charges Being Probed Too, As Are "Whacking A Guy" Charges
Topic: Texas News

Is former GOP majority leader Tom DeLay a member of a secret Texas money-laundering cartel? Or is he perhaps... the ringleader? That's what the grand jury said late yesterday in Travis County, Texas. DeLay was re-indicted on charges of conspiring to commit money laundering and the big one of money laundering. Democrats have been waiting for this moment for months, and especially with Bill Frist on the ropes, it makes for a great beginning to the Devil's Month for the lefties.

“Ronnie Earle has stooped to a new low with his brand of prosecutorial abuse,” DeLay said in a statement. “He is trying to pull the legal equivalent of a ‘do-over’ since he knows very well that the charges he brought against me last week are totally manufactured and illegitimate. This is an abomination of justice.”

Ah yes, Ronnie Earle, the infamous attorney who prosecuted... himself. While we're absolutely sure that DeLay and Co. will bribe and "convince" the right people, the big question is whether or not this will cause irreparable harm to the GOP. We think yes, but we care very little.

The second question is whether or not this is going to affect the confirmation hearings of Bush-proposed SCOTUS Harriet Miers. With the Democrats feeling sated after the indictment of DeLay and investigation of Frist, they might let Miers off relatively easy, despite the fact that she has no judicial experience and has been Bush's personal lawyer for over a decade. Or will they find some nude pictures from her younger days as a clerk in a Dallas law firm? Because this story needs some spice, and that would be hot.


MSNBC

Nicolas Cage Takes Level of Dorkiness to Outrageously Insane Levels; Happy Father's Day, Ass
Topic: Stupidity

We file this under stupidity because we canNOT believe how dumb Nic Cage is. After putting out some really good and really bad movies and being paid tens of millions of dollars a year for being a professional mope, Nicolas Cage has finally detached himself from all reality, instead moving in to a world of complete idiocy and wonder known as Crazy. So much so, in fact, that we have to quote the Associated Press because our fingers will not allow us to type this level of crazy.

His wife, Alice Kim Cage, gave birth Monday to a boy, Kal-el Coppola Cage, in New York City, said Cage's Los Angeles-based publicist, Annett Wolf.

Did you get that part? Did you? It's not that his wife is not legal to drink and he's upwards of 50 years old, or even that his publicist remained in LA while her client gave birth in NYC (usually, publicists attempt to be at the hospital to catch the afterbirth... trust us, we know, we are one - ed.). No no, dear friends, it's the fact that Nicolas Cage named his newborn so KAL-EL, otherwise known as the birth name of motherfucking Superman.

Yes, Nic Cage is a complete dork idiot crazy person who just happens to mope around professionally for a living. God help us, as we have shaken his hand and are shaking in our boots with the fear that our hand may take over our body and make us start punching infants.


ASSOCIATED PRESS

Gov. Schwarzenegger Sets Triple Higher Damages for Paparazzi; Actors Prepare Weapons for Eventual Paparazzi Hunting Law
Topic: Entertainment

Coddyfoynia Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger passed legislation today to raise the amount a celebrity can sue a paparazzi for damages by three times, meaning that the next time an aggressive photographer slams into the side of some over privileged 18-year-old starlet's $120,000 Mercedes, she can take away everything he owns in a court of law, sell it all for profit, and then freebase that profit out of a light bulb.

While this law is supposed to cover the asses of celebrities such as Reese Witherspoon (who was recently followed home in a high speed chase; just remember, there have to be at least two vehicles in a high speed chase, so driving normally would've stopped that) and Scarlett Johansson, who, whoops! ended up not getting into a paparazzi-caused wreck and just couldn't drive through a Disneyland parking lot.

So what it comes down to is that a normal fine for a paparazzi-caused accident is $20,000. They would now owe $60,000. However, the photos that were taken of said "celebrity" or "event" sold for $100,000. We're pretty sure that this is a ridiculous bit of legislation and that it won't help shit. Way to go Governor Ahnuld: you made another Jingle All the Way.


VARIETY

Palestinian Cops Break Into Parliament, Fire Ammunition to Protest Not Enough, umm, Ammunition
Topic: World News

Because sometimes (always - ed.) we don't understand foreign cultures, we won't understand why Palestinian police officers broke into Parliament firing bullets into the air during a protest centered around the police not having enough bullets and gun. Seems like of self-defeating, but we're not Palestinian.

The protest came after the Deputy Chief of Shati was killed during an RPG and small arms fire attack by Hamas that also wounded 50 others. Palestinian police were almost as outgunned as LAPD was during the Hollywood Bank Robbery, but at least our cops took the dudes down.

You would also think that since firing a gun into the air is the Middle Eastern national pastime, there would be a lot more random deaths and oh... there are. Yeah, that's our bad.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Bush Picks Relative Unkown to Replace O'Connor; Honestly Though, Does Anyone Know Who Any of These People Are?
Topic: National News

President Bush has nominated attorney and White House Special Counsel Harriet Miers to replace Sandra Day O'Connor on the SCOTUS, while O'Connor remains at least another two months on the job solving some last minute important cases. Miers may come under fire for never having been a judge, therefore shielding her thoughts on important issues like Roe v. Wade. And before anybody says anything, we know she's a woman and where she probably stands on that issue, but you know Teddy Kennedy's going to heavily breathe his way out of a drunken slumber to bring that one up.

“She has devoted her life to the rule of law and the cause of justice,” Bush said, announcing his choice from the Oval Office with Miers at his side. “She will be an outstanding addition to the Supreme Court of the United States.”

While Miers stood sheepishly by his side, the President never once called her "this chick" or "honey bear." Miers then took the podium to speak for the first time words that will soon be drowned out by partisan bitching.

"If confirmed, I recognize I will have a tremendous responsibility to keep our judicial system strong and to help insure the court meets their obligations to strictly apply the laws and Constitution.”

That's great and all, but even we know that and we've never taken a single law school class. We'll get back to you in a couple of minutes when all the left-wingers come out of the woodwork with documents and cases shes tried, proving that not only is she a woman-hating racist lesbian, but she also killed Jesus.


MSNBC

Judith Miller Comes Home
Topic: Media

Everyone's favorite jailed, lip-zipping reporter, Judy Miller of The New York Times, is finally able to come home... and by home, apparently Bill Keller means "the office." What a dick.

To: NYT
Subject: MESSAGE FROM BILL KELLER
09/30/2005 02:20 PM

Judy Miller is deeply grateful to all the people on the staff for their support during her time in jail. She’s eager to come in and say so personally — but we’ve ordered her to take the weekend off.

We expect her to come into the newsroom on Monday afternoon to give her personal thanks.

Bill


GAWKER