We Have Bird Flu Medicine! Screw the Sick and Elderly, We Don't Wanna Die!
Topic: World News

Roche AG of Switzerland has agreed to allow four manufacturers of generic medicines to produce their innoculant Tamiflu, which is currently the only cure for the bird flu virus that is sweeping the world (in the minds of the crazed, media, and mothers - ed.). Senator Chuck Schumer of NY took all the credit, saying that after he met with them, they said OK and allowed the making of the medication.

We probably think it was the billions of dollars they're going to make off of the deal, but whatever Chucky and the Democrats want to think is their own business.


REUTERS via MSNBC

Bypass Surgery! Heart of Darko Housekeeping!
Topic: Housekeeping

In keeping with our new format, we have had to lie to you about our lack of posting. We wanted to surprise you with the goodness that is the new coloration (which will be tweaked - ed.), the new logo (which does kick ass) and our new topics (some of which suck).

So shoot us some feedback and let us know if you like it or not. It's growing on us, and hopefully in a little more time (another year and a half - ed.), we'll get it to where we like it.

Stupid Criminal Sentences Self to 33 Years in Prison to Honor Larry Bird; Bird Commentless
Topic: Stupidity

A dumb ass criminal who knew he was going to prison on charges of robbery and shooting with the intent to kill requested and received a 33 year prison sentence, longer than the 30 years the judge and attorney were going to push for. The genius is, of course, from Oklahoma City and did this to honor Larry Bird, who probably doesn't give a fuck.


MSNBC

Anti-Bacterial Soap is a Sham!
Topic: National News

Experts from the Nonprescription Drugs Advisory Committee have alerted the FDA this morning that anti-bacterial soap claims of killing more bad things than regular soap are nothing but a bunch of hooey. The FDA hired the NDAC to perform this test under accusations that anti-bacterial soaps are helping to create soap-immune bacterium, or Super Bacterium, if you will. We point and laugh at these people, as they're the ones responsible for the whole "bird flu pandemic" joke that is traveling through Europe and Asia.

So what are the good words coming from scientists about how to properly kill bacteria in your own home?

"Bacteria are not going to be destroyed. They've seen dinosaurs come and go. They will be happy to see us come and go. Any attempt to sterilize our home is fraught with failure."

Oh.

Well shit. Might as well take a dump on your carpet and throw your garbage on the couch, cause you're screwed buddy.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

New York Times Profits Drop 52%! We Laugh.
Topic: Media

The New York Times announced today that their profits dropped a whopping 52% from the third quarter of last year, leading us to point and laugh. That's all we're going to say on this issue. The story's posted below if you want to read their flimsy-ass excuse. But if you're like us, you'll just want to point your finger and say, "Eat that, New York Times. Eat that. Does that taste good over your girly mouth? We bet it does."


MARKET WATCH

Bush Panders to Repetitive Music-Loving Crowd, Dines With Bono
Topic: Entertainment

President Bush seems to be changing his ways. After his latest bout of crazy involving god, Harriet Miers and Karl Rove, the President now looks to be pandering. This can be seen by his Wednesday lunch with U2 front man Bono, who loves nothing more than to make tons of money and give some of it back to the community. By some, we mean around .5%.

White House spokesman Scotty Mac said that the lunch would be a continuation of the discussion they had in July at the G8 ceremony after Cheney took off Bush's training wheels and he fell over, giving himself an "ouchie."

"They had a very good discussion about some of our common priorities," McClellan said. "Both share a deep commitment to combating AIDS, preventing malaria and expanding trade to lift people out of poverty."

After all the hatred spewed at Bush by other aging rockers (how old is Bono? 50? - ed.), such as Elton John and Mick "Skeletor" Jagger, we wonder if he's trying to get someone on his side with some influence of something besides money. Like young, groupie ass.


BREITBART

Irony Strikes Dangerous Dog Bill Author in Own Home
Topic: Embarrassment

The author of a new bill against dangerous dogs was hospitalized over the weekend after an attack in his home by his own dog. Bob Schwartz was sent to the ER after suffering multiple injuries on both arms from repeated bites that he received from one of his three dogs.

Schwartz owns two English bulldogs, a boxer, and a butt load of embarrassment. No word has been received from a Schwartz family spokesman, but you know it's going to be good when we finally get some. Irony - not just for sitcoms anymore.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Madeleine Albright to Kill Male Audience of "Gilmore Girls"
Topic: Entertainment

Sadly, we admit to being fans of the WB's "Gilmore Girls." Why, you may ask as you shun us from the rest of your lives? Because the stories involve two smart, well-read women traversing life and taking everything in stride with large amounts of humor and non-sappy sentimentality. That and both the main girls are freaking hottttt.

But we might have to miss the October 25 episode, just so that our lusting over a near-jail bait actress and her mid-thirties "mother" is not completely crushed with the addition of former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright to the lineup. Albright will make her appearance that evening, thus killing the erections of every male viewer that the show has.

"I am a big fan of 'Gilmore Girls' and I had a great time," Albright said in a statement Tuesday. "It was an opportunity to do something different for a quick minute, and I learned how hard it is to memorize those lines."

Must have been a lot of dialog, considering that this woman had to support Clinton's BS for eight years. Maybe we will watch, if just to bring us back to reality that not all college-age girls have MILFs waiting at home to cuddle with...


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Government Denied $280 Billion From Tobacco Companies! BILLION! Holy Crap That's A Lot of Money!
Topic: National News

While Bush may be in the back pocket of the oil companies, no one can try and say that he's backed by Big Tobacco. After scoring a $280 billion judgment against the tobacco companies after nine months of litigation, the Bush administration tried to close on the monies now, probably to help alleviate hurricane and war payments. But the courts said "no sir" and shot down this attempt. Why exactly? We haven't read that far ahead. Something involving RICO laws and racketeering or something like that. Hang on... okay here it is:

The Supreme Court is already hearing a case involving the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act, and whether the law can be used against anti-abortion protesters. The law, aimed primarily at fighting mobsters, has both criminal and civil provisions.

The $280 billion is the most ever sought in a civil racketeering trial. The government has described that as an estimate of money that companies including Philip Morris and R.J. Reynolds earned illegally through fraudulent activities.

There's a lot more, and our NyQuil has kicked in, so you can read it yourself. Hurry! Before the fairies come in and steal your lamb chops! What?


MSNBC

Housekeeping! Allergies Keep Us Down
Topic: Housekeeping

We're very sorry that you have not gotten your daily fill of stupid from us today, but we're currently battling a rough bout of a cold and allergies that have combined to punch us in the groin, throat, head and liver multiple times. We're down! Oh what an ending!

ABC Survery for Commander in Chief Insulting to ABC... and Hillary Clinton
Topic: Entertainment

As proven by Defamer, sometimes you know a show will not strike a certain member(s) of the audience. However, ABC crossed their own line and decided it was time to insults not only their own program, but their own network. They also threw in Hillary Clinton for good measure.



We know it's hard to read, but click on the link below to be taken to the whole survey, where you can read see checked boxes for reasons not to like the show, such as "It reminds me too much of Hillary Clinton, and the fact she might run for President in 2008." Good stuff ABC, good stuff indeed.


DEFAMER

We're Popular! Or So We Think...
Topic: Cars/Automotive

Editor Mike Spinelli of the great auto blog Jalopnik (which has been linked to the left for over eight months, and if you haven't clicked on it yet, then shame on you) has recently decided to join the rest of Gawker Media and allow for comment posting on his site.

We thank Mike for the invite and hope that our brand of idiotic tipsterism can be of some use in the coming times. Look for posts by commentator TexansAreHot, because we are, in fact, hawt.


JALOPNIK ANNOUNCEMENTS

Embattled Ump Speaks Out! So Stop Emailing Us, Because the Braves Lost and We Don't Care!
Topic: Sports

Ravenous fans hurl angry obscenities and comments at umpires all the time. However, now that people have finally remembered baseball is still being played and is available to watch free of charge on TV, a small outcry has grown over the supposed "blown call" from the umpire in the Angels/White Sox game from a few nights ago.

For those that either don't remember or couldn't give two shits, White Sox catcher A.J. Pierzynski struck out swinging and ran to first, as the ump ruled the pitch in the dirt. He ended up scoring, and the entire fan base of the Angels blamed it on a blown call. Well, after days of being escorted everywhere by security guards, the official in charge of the call has spoken out about it... and pretty much kept the going. *sigh* This is why we drink.

"The only thing I'm down on myself is I should have sold it either way," Doug Eddings said. "I should have either said, 'No catch,' or, if I did have a catch, that he was out. Which I never said: 'He's out."

So there you have it sports fans; dude was not out. Don't read into it too much. He was not out. At least you didn't get a foul ball stolen away from you like the Cubs did a couple of years ago. That poor from back then probably had to legally change his name to Shithead Screwsupalot.


FOX SPORTS

Cartoon of the Day! The Birds 3; Influenza Over Pecking to Death
Topic: Political Cartoons

With the sudden hysteria over the avian flu (oh my god, it can kill anywhere from 5 people to 150 million! oh my god, what are the odds??? - ed.), we're going to give you a cartoon that should pretty much show you how we're feeling nowadays; pissed off at the President. We think this bird flu shit is a bunch of hysteria produced by Bush enemies, but we're going to listen to it, because the President has turned into a religious retard, not the straight up retard that America re-elected. So here's Robert Ariail's cartoon about the situation for your enjoyment.

Approval Ratings In; God Not Helping Much
Topic: Politics

The recent Bush approval ratings have come in, and God has apparently tired of being brought into the President's speeches, as our leader's approval has dropped to 39%, a new all time low. With 54% disapproval and only 28% thinking the country is going in the right direction, it might be a good time to stop being so absolutely bat-shit nuts.

And speaking of nuts, bringing in people like your personal attorney to become a new Supreme Court Justice isn't smart either, since only 29% of all people think that was a good idea.

There is a bright side, however. Over 48% of people think that a Democratic Congress would do better than a GOP-run ship. Because this matters and people know what they're talking about, we say give them a chance. After everything remains just as screwed up and we get some more natural disasters, it'll allow everyone on the right to shrug and say "we told you so."


MSNBC

Tom DeLay's Attorney Subpoenas Prosecuting Attorney; We Don't Know Why, But Whatever
Topic: Texas News

In an attempt to stop himself from ever having to go to trial, Tom DeLay had his attorney subpoena the lead prosecutor and two prosecuting attorneys about possible misconduct with the grand jury that indicted DeLay late last month. And now the two sides are at odds on whether or not the subpoena was even received.

Serving someone means that they have to physically take the paper in their hand. However, DeLay's attorney, Dick DeGuerin, seems to think someone has to sign for it. While that would be a first for such a document, DeGuerin doesn't care and is pissed, PISSED I TELL YOU, that DA Ronnie Earle didn't sign the paper that came with the subpoena and only accepted the document.

Now, the grand jury foreman has come out on behalf of Earle, making this case even more of a cluster fuck. While he said that he gave interviews after the jury deliberated, he never told any details of the case to the public or Earle, something that was cited in the subpoena.

"That's a bunch of (expletive) there," Gibson said. "That man did not talk to me."

Ah, you've gotta love Texas. He's indicting you? Sue that son of a bitch back! He's trying to play a politics game! This is gonna be a great frigging case.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

We Were Wrong; Bush is a Zealot
Topic: National News

We didn't believe that President Bush said that God wanted him to attack the Middle East. There was no feasible way that someone could be that... fucked up in the head. But apparently we proved that we were wrong yet again.

Today, President Bush said that his main choice of Harriet Miers as Sandra Day O'Connor's replacement as SCOTUS was "part of Harriet Miers’ life is her religion."

Holy Mary mother of god, he's making his decisions for our country's future based on religion. Please, Senate, please, deny him this confirmation. This bitch is as obviously nuts as he is. He gave up booze for god, so she must've given up something too. Crack? PCP? Who knows? We apologize for ever trusting in this crazed administration, and we now change our views on whether or not Bush actually said that god sent him to the Middle East. Even if Bush didn't say it, you know he's thinking it. Help!


MSNBC

How to Use Less Gas, Courtesy of The Onion



Thanks to The Onion for letting us know that we're not the only one doing the third thing on this list. Yeesh.


THE ONION

Mythbusters! Iraqi Constituion Agreement Reached?
Topic: World News

Reports are coming from Baghdad claiming that the Iraqi Congress has finally reached a Constitution agreement between the sparring religious factions, only after the Sunnis gave in and said that they would vote yes if the next year they could vote for amendments. What the Sunnis don't realize is that the Kurds and Shiites will still be in power and will crush every amendment they put forward. Whoops.

So is this real? Are Brad and Angelina really getting married? Did Nick and Jessica split? Who's banging Big Foot? We'll believe it when we see it.


ABC NEWS

Frist Stock NOT Only in Blind Trusts; GOP Considering Forfetting 2008 Elections Now
Topic: Politics

The Associated Press has discovered that Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist not only earned money from his family-controlled HCA corporation by dealing with blind trusts, but also from thousands of shares of HCA stock controlled outside of the trusts by his brother, the president of the hospital chain. This conflict of interest could mean that Frist was voting illegally for health care issues while having a stake in the actual health care market.

And let's not forget the SEC going after him for possible insider trading, i.e. "Pulling a Martha," as it is now called. Now we're not going to preach and pretend that we know fuck-all about the stock market, because we're basically retards when it comes to that, so we're going to use some quotes from the AP to help explain what is going on.

Edmond M. Ianni, a former Wilmington, Del., bank executive who established blind trusts for corporate executives, questioned why the senator's brother was able to manage assets "when the whole purpose of a blind trust is to ensure lack of not only conflict of interest — but appearance of conflict of interest?"

Umm, did you get that? Here's a statement from Frist's people:

"His interests in the family partnership were not held by his Senate blind trusts because Senate rules did not permit it. Senator Frist did not control the assets in this partnership and he annually disclosed his interests to the public as required," Frist spokesman Bob Stevenson said.

Okay, so we're gonna keep on this, even though we don't know what any of it means. We know it's not good for the GOP during their time of everyone screwing up, but then again, as long as no one finds a half-eaten baby under John McCain's desk, he should be cool for 2008.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS