Nicolas Cage Takes Level of Dorkiness to Outrageously Insane Levels; Happy Father's Day, Ass
Topic: Stupidity

We file this under stupidity because we canNOT believe how dumb Nic Cage is. After putting out some really good and really bad movies and being paid tens of millions of dollars a year for being a professional mope, Nicolas Cage has finally detached himself from all reality, instead moving in to a world of complete idiocy and wonder known as Crazy. So much so, in fact, that we have to quote the Associated Press because our fingers will not allow us to type this level of crazy.

His wife, Alice Kim Cage, gave birth Monday to a boy, Kal-el Coppola Cage, in New York City, said Cage's Los Angeles-based publicist, Annett Wolf.

Did you get that part? Did you? It's not that his wife is not legal to drink and he's upwards of 50 years old, or even that his publicist remained in LA while her client gave birth in NYC (usually, publicists attempt to be at the hospital to catch the afterbirth... trust us, we know, we are one - ed.). No no, dear friends, it's the fact that Nicolas Cage named his newborn so KAL-EL, otherwise known as the birth name of motherfucking Superman.

Yes, Nic Cage is a complete dork idiot crazy person who just happens to mope around professionally for a living. God help us, as we have shaken his hand and are shaking in our boots with the fear that our hand may take over our body and make us start punching infants.


ASSOCIATED PRESS

Gov. Schwarzenegger Sets Triple Higher Damages for Paparazzi; Actors Prepare Weapons for Eventual Paparazzi Hunting Law
Topic: Entertainment

Coddyfoynia Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger passed legislation today to raise the amount a celebrity can sue a paparazzi for damages by three times, meaning that the next time an aggressive photographer slams into the side of some over privileged 18-year-old starlet's $120,000 Mercedes, she can take away everything he owns in a court of law, sell it all for profit, and then freebase that profit out of a light bulb.

While this law is supposed to cover the asses of celebrities such as Reese Witherspoon (who was recently followed home in a high speed chase; just remember, there have to be at least two vehicles in a high speed chase, so driving normally would've stopped that) and Scarlett Johansson, who, whoops! ended up not getting into a paparazzi-caused wreck and just couldn't drive through a Disneyland parking lot.

So what it comes down to is that a normal fine for a paparazzi-caused accident is $20,000. They would now owe $60,000. However, the photos that were taken of said "celebrity" or "event" sold for $100,000. We're pretty sure that this is a ridiculous bit of legislation and that it won't help shit. Way to go Governor Ahnuld: you made another Jingle All the Way.


VARIETY

Palestinian Cops Break Into Parliament, Fire Ammunition to Protest Not Enough, umm, Ammunition
Topic: World News

Because sometimes (always - ed.) we don't understand foreign cultures, we won't understand why Palestinian police officers broke into Parliament firing bullets into the air during a protest centered around the police not having enough bullets and gun. Seems like of self-defeating, but we're not Palestinian.

The protest came after the Deputy Chief of Shati was killed during an RPG and small arms fire attack by Hamas that also wounded 50 others. Palestinian police were almost as outgunned as LAPD was during the Hollywood Bank Robbery, but at least our cops took the dudes down.

You would also think that since firing a gun into the air is the Middle Eastern national pastime, there would be a lot more random deaths and oh... there are. Yeah, that's our bad.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Bush Picks Relative Unkown to Replace O'Connor; Honestly Though, Does Anyone Know Who Any of These People Are?
Topic: National News

President Bush has nominated attorney and White House Special Counsel Harriet Miers to replace Sandra Day O'Connor on the SCOTUS, while O'Connor remains at least another two months on the job solving some last minute important cases. Miers may come under fire for never having been a judge, therefore shielding her thoughts on important issues like Roe v. Wade. And before anybody says anything, we know she's a woman and where she probably stands on that issue, but you know Teddy Kennedy's going to heavily breathe his way out of a drunken slumber to bring that one up.

“She has devoted her life to the rule of law and the cause of justice,” Bush said, announcing his choice from the Oval Office with Miers at his side. “She will be an outstanding addition to the Supreme Court of the United States.”

While Miers stood sheepishly by his side, the President never once called her "this chick" or "honey bear." Miers then took the podium to speak for the first time words that will soon be drowned out by partisan bitching.

"If confirmed, I recognize I will have a tremendous responsibility to keep our judicial system strong and to help insure the court meets their obligations to strictly apply the laws and Constitution.”

That's great and all, but even we know that and we've never taken a single law school class. We'll get back to you in a couple of minutes when all the left-wingers come out of the woodwork with documents and cases shes tried, proving that not only is she a woman-hating racist lesbian, but she also killed Jesus.


MSNBC

Judith Miller Comes Home
Topic: Media

Everyone's favorite jailed, lip-zipping reporter, Judy Miller of The New York Times, is finally able to come home... and by home, apparently Bill Keller means "the office." What a dick.

To: NYT
Subject: MESSAGE FROM BILL KELLER
09/30/2005 02:20 PM

Judy Miller is deeply grateful to all the people on the staff for their support during her time in jail. She’s eager to come in and say so personally — but we’ve ordered her to take the weekend off.

We expect her to come into the newsroom on Monday afternoon to give her personal thanks.

Bill


GAWKER

Army Need a Few... uh... Men. A Few Thousand, Actually
Topic: National News

The Army can't recruit for shit, apparently. Even though they're going to miss their recruiting mark by an estimated 7,000 people, it's still the worst slump in an entire year since 1979. The Army Reserve and Army National Guard sucked even worse.

Turns out that people either A.) Don't like being shot at, or B.) Get shot at enough in their own neighborhoods. So what to do now? Free T-shirts, videos and on line boot camps didn't work, so maybe a ploy of actually PAYING SOLDIERS GOOD MONEY would help. We don't know; we're not recruiters.

But we do know that our Photoshop job was the best work we have ever done, so piss off.





AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Mis-Managed News Roundup! Better Late Than Never Edition
Topic: National News

We are 100% aware that most of this news is from yesterday. However, we don't care. After not being in the office all day, there was nothing we could write about, since we really hadn't been paying attention at all. So here comes yesterday's roundup... today. We'll also get today's news out of the way as well so we can back to bed for another seven hours.

John G. Roberts was confirmed yesterday as the next Supreme Court Justice of the United States. He'll serve until he's a wrinkly old codger like Rehnquist, so expect around 35 years or so of Democrats and their pouty faces. He was sworn in this morning. AP



What the hell is it with GOP congressmen and corruption? That's right, they're GOP congressmen. Bill Frist's HCA Inc. chain of hospitals is now under SEC investigation, since HCA members were selling stock like crazy ahead of a major announcement that would kill the price. Frist says he had the money in a blind trust, so there's no way he would know what was going on. Not sure about that, but whatevs. AP

Judith Miller is finally going to testify about the Valerie Plame case in front of a federal grand jury today on whether or not a Cheney aide named "Scooter" linked the information to her. We're sure of two things; Judy Miller will get her million dollar book deal and we don't really give a damn anymore about this crap. YAHOO! NEWS

Officers who looted a Wal-mart in New Orleans after hurricane Katrina, and were caught on tape stealing shoes (remember when they tried to say they were going to catch looters? while they themselves were looting? classic - ed.), are being investigated into whether or not it was inappropriate conduct. Hmm, considering they're police officers and were caught... LOOTING... we're going with a big old "yes." MSNBC

President Bush is on a roll, at least politically speaking, with Roberts being confirmed. He'll announce his next choice in the coming week. Be ready for lovely partisan bickering, unless it's, to quote the President, "a chick or someone darker than me." MSNBC

Cindy Sheehan Desperately Clings to Celebrity Status; Calls McCain a "War-monger"
Topic: National News

Before anybody brings it up, we are fully aware that even though we think she's a fool who's soiling her son's honorable name, we're helping keep her in the news. However, we're entitled to, because dammit, we're just trying to keep up our readership here. It's not like we're friggin' FoxNews or something.

But back to the story.

Cindy Sheehan met with John McCain today during her tour of Congressional meetings trying to rally support to bring home the troops immediately from Iraq. While she will, of course, fail miserably, she has energized the jobless morons across the country who have worn their Birkenstocks down to the soles while following Sheehan around as she is carted from rally to rally in donated luxury.

But back to the story again.

The McCain meeting did not go well for Sheehan. She had this to say after leaving, which will only strengthen her credibility:

"He is a warmonger, and I'm not."

We think there should be a requirement that stupid people should not be given air time. That includes all the hurricane evacuees who cannot understand why their house washed away even though it was built in the 1840's below fucking sea level.

But back to the story for a third time.

McCain did not have much of a sunnier disposition after leaving the meeting either.

"She's entitled to her opinion. We just have fundamental disagreements."

Apparently Sheehan also lied about things that McCain did not say regarding his opinion of the President and other such crap, but we're tired of this woman, we give her the finger and look for more cheerful, non-opportunistic news.


USA TODAY (where REAL Americans go for news)

Tom DeLay Indicted on Conspiracy Issues; Prepare for Non-Stop Media Coverage
Topic: National News

House Majority Leader Tom DeLay was indicted today in a federal probe investigating alleged campaign finance conspiracy along with two other of his associates. He stepped down today temporarily in order to beat the Democrat's outcry of him stepping down.

“I have notified the speaker that I will temporarily step aside from my position as majority leader pursuant to rules of the House Republican Conference and the actions of the Travis County district attorney today,” DeLay said.

With a possible sentence that would carry two years if convicted, DeLay will undoubtedly face the toughest mud-slinging from politicians and the media, who need something else to go after the GOP for after the Bush administration took care of their shit during Hurricane Rita. Of course, DeLay's attorneys and spokesmen are claiming this as politically motivated, but what else is new? Wasn't that the excuse that Clinton gave for the bj?


MSNBC

Cartoon of the Day! Milking it for Everything it's Worth
Topic: Political Cartoons

Now that even The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, the refuge on Comedy Central that has turned into a massive liberabl bitchfest in which many of the show's anchors and producers use sometimes damn funny comedy to spill their own politics and ideologies into the mainstream while pretending they're being "groundbreaking," has begun to attack activist Cindy Sheehan as the idiot/oportunistic jerkoff that she is, it's only right that we post up this cartoon from Gary Varvel. Pretty much describes how we think everyone in America feels now. Thanks Gary!

Mis-Managed News Roundup!
Topic: World News

Ex-FEMA Chief Michael Brown blames slow response on Louisiana. Of course dude, they had just been hit by a hurricane, so what did you expect? MSNBC

John G. Roberts looks like a shoe-in for Chief Justice SCOTUS. Personally, even the Dems seem to like him, so they're waiting to focus their hatred on the next person Bush chooses to replace Sandra Day O'Connor. NBC

The U.S. military killed the number two guy in charge of Al-Qaeda in Iraq. Everyone starts hunting for scrap metal to fortify their tents for the next wave of suicide bombings. AP

Cocaine is killing other things besides yuppy douchebags who spill drinks on our slacks. Too bad too. The douchebags were enough. AP

Democratic Senator Robert Byrd announced he will run for the ninth time for the seat he has held since 1958. No one really gives a fuck. YAHOO! NEWS

California Doctors Take Payola for Saudi National's Liver Transplant
Topic: National News

California doctors working in the state's largest transplant clinic have just been discovered as taking bribes from a wealthy Saudi national to move him to the top of the waiting list to receive a healthy liver, when in actuality, he was ranked 52. The two doctors in charge of the program and procedure, which took place in Saudi Arabia, are no longer with the hospital, probably having retired off of their payoff money years ago.

"The idea of moving one patient above another for other than medical reasons is "totally unconscionable," said Dr. Douglas Hanto, chief of the transplant division at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center in Boston. "It's wrong unequivocally."

Well good to know that not every doctor is a sell-out, despite the fact that surgeons already make disgusting amounts of money. We read that a human kidney can fetch $16,000 in Brazil. Now we're just thinking about how much that would be for a fresh liver... that might be slightly poached from vodka.


LA TIMES

God Help Us, Say It Isn't So; Ben Affleck to Run for Political Office

While there has been no official word, there doesn't need to be. The fact that the rumor has begun already makes us want to punch a baby. While Affleck is known for his classic films such as Reindeer Games and Surviving Christmas, as well as portraying a block of wood in Pearl Harbor, he is perhaps best known as J.Lo's former fiancee and walking joke.

But we digress. Word on the street is that Affleck is looking to take on GOP hot young stud Senator George Allen now that former Virginia Governor Mark Warner has dropped out of contention for the Senatorial position.

It was about that time that party officials started batting Affleck's name around. "It's spread pretty widely, at least in the political underground," University of Virginia professor Larry Sabato, Virginia's premier pundit, told Michael Shear, The Post's Richmond correspondent.

God we just threw up in our mouth a bit. But at least we have a denial, because Affleck is too busy ruining Harlin Coben's great book "Gone, Baby, Gone" for Walt Disney.


WASHINGTON POST

Bush Looks to Tap Oil Reserve's Ass, Beats Democrats to Punch; Dems Not Sure What to Bitch About Next
Topic: National News

President Bush is once again looking to tap the federal oil reserve with the intention of relieving the economic pain pressure caused by this weekend's near non-storm Rita. And you can mostly thank Houstonites for that, as there are still probably a couple of thousand mommy mobiles stuck on the side of Interstate 45 because they ran out of fuel about eight miles outside of town.

“A lot of our production comes from the Gulf and when you have a Hurricane Katrina followed by a Hurricane Rita, it’s natural, unfortunately, that it’s going to affect supplies,” Bush said after a briefing at the Energy Department.

“It’s important for our people to know that we understand the situation and we’re willing to use the Strategic Petroleum Reserve to mitigate any shortfall in crude oil that could affect our consumers.”

Bush has also said that the rebuilding process will being when community leaders let the federal government know what they want their communities to look like. So expect something from the Jetsens, because there ain't no hurricanes in space.


MSNBC

Opportunistic Mother Arrested in D.C.; Laughs While Being Carried Away
Topic: National News

For those who thought Cindy Sheehan was just a mother making a point, the days of this have passed, for the mother who is using her son's name to further her own was arrested in Washington D.C. earlier today for failing to listen to the police after they asked her to move three times. Under United States law, a demonstration in front of the White House must be in movement.

Dozens of anti-war, pro-fame protesters didn't care, as they sat down on the sidewalk of Pennsylvania Ave., causing traffic backups and problems for anyone who worked in the surrounding area. After asking three times for them to move along because it would be against the law to fail to do so, the D.C. police reacted, arresting Sheehan first (she was leading the "sit-in") and then arresting many more protesters.

Sheehan shrieked "the whole world is watching" while being carried away and smiling and laughing, which pretty much just made her lose all credibility she had that wasn't tired to ignorant hippies and others that smell of sweaty feet. This is the second arrest in a week for the Sheehan group, including that of a planner who was taken into custody for not filling out the paperwork to have a loudspeaker demonstration in front of the White House.

Of course, Sheehan will never go away. She's tasted the sweet nectar of fame and wants more. Bill Maher told her he respected her. Wow! Bill Maher! And Michael Moore! Now if she can only get Sean Penn up her ass too, that's the trifecta right there.


MSNBC

John Kerry and the Non-Amazing Race

We had to create a special category just for this story. While Sean Penn should've justified this subject/topic already, we have given him too much of our valuable and waning brain power, so we begin here with the 2004 John Kerry presidential campaign. Kerry, desperate for publicity, allowed anyone possible to film his rise to mediocrity. Whether it be Nancy Pelosi's daughter Alexandra (who herself had a mediocre documentary, "Diary of a Political Tourist" - ed.), Michael Moore or Steve Rosenbaum.

The Kerry camp now appears to be kicking their own asses for allowing Rosenbaum to film their inner sanctum, as Lloyd Grove and the NY Daily News have discovered that the finished film, Inside the Bubble is anything but flattering to the campaign, its workers and the elitist prick himself. This is directly from the film's press notes:

"The film turns a harsh but deeply revealing mirror on the campaign ... a disorganized, contentious, self-absorbed team that thought they could win by 'not making mistakes,' and keeping their candidate in the public eye without clarifying a position on anything."

But Kerry's people, including four time loser Robert Shrum and Kerry mouthpiece David Wade are having none of it, even though Rosenbaum was a Kerry supporter who campaigned for the Senator throughout the election.

"The 20 poor souls subjected to this movie will be reaching for caffeine and begging for old Lamar Alexander tapes on C-Span 2. Michael Moore has nothing to fear. I think the working title was 'The Snore Room,'" Wade said.

It might just be us, but isn't this statement critical of the Kerry campaign? They really were as boring in real life as everyone imagined them to be? Good job Wade. Got your PR degree at Johnson's School of Auto Detailing, did you?

We'll have to see what the advanced word is, but apparently this movie is full of good clips of Kerry being an idiot, Hillary Clinton constantly making fun of Frankenstein during his stump speeches and tons of other stuff that we'd like to see. Let's just hope it's better than Bush's Brain, because THAT was a boring film.


NY DAILY NEWS - LOWDOWN

Hurricane Rita Aftermath; One Big Back-Patting Sissy
Topic: Texas News

After a week of speculation from everyone in the media about the imminent threat from Hurricane Rita to south Houston, the powerful storm came into land with force 3 winds and wound up not doing much of a damn thing to Texas. While some buildings were ruined and there was flooding in Port Arthur, it was all a relatively small affair.

While coverage of Rita and back-slapping still takes place on cable news networks, it was Fox News who had the most outlandish coverage. While many other organizations stuck their personnel behind or inside buildings, Shepard Smith rode out the storm clutching a microphone in one hand and a parking pole in the other while looking away from the wind as his facial skin twisted and he lost what must be a record five Fox News hats.

So what it all boiled down to was a lot of spent gas and stranded people, ending with some winds and rain that mostly went back into Louisiana. But not to worry! We're sure there's another hurricane heading into the gulf as we speak, because this one didn't work out for Bush, and since Rove conjures up the hurricanes in his warlock lair, you know they've got another one up their sleeve.

Peace and Rain
Topic: Housekeeping

Hope everybody out there has a great weekend. We're out of here until Monday, caring for our Hurricane Rita evacuees and drinking massive quantities of Schlitz. Next week we'll have the entire recap of the hurricane, including our experience. Perhaps we'll even live blog the thing on Sunday, but that would take time out of our football watching, so who knows? See you next week!

JetBlue Passengers Watched Own Airplane's Emergency Landing on TV; No Word on Whether Any Tried to Wave at Themselves
Topic: National News

By now, everyone has heard about the JetBlue emergency landing that took place yesterday. If not, then get the hell off of this web site and go read a friggin' paper you lazy bastard. What you will not read in the paper, however, is that JetBlue passengers, who always have the privilege of watching a choice of 36 channels during their flight, were able to watch the breaking news of their own flight's problems as they were experiencing them.

"It was absolutely terrifying, actually. Seeing the events broadcast made it completely surreal and detached me from the event," said Zachary Mastoon, a musician heading home on the Burbank-to-New York flight. "It became this television show I was inextricably linked to. It was no longer my situation, it was broadcast for everyone to see. It only exacerbated the situation and my fear."

And there you have it. Granted, the TVs were turned off as they made their final descent, but still... pretty funky shit. The picture to the left was a seatback with the news clip that the aforementioned Mastoon took with his digital camera.

"I think on balance people were not upset," said Howard Averill, chief financial officer for NBC-Universal Television, who was traveling to a meeting in New York.

Even so, he said, some passengers would pull off their headphones after disturbing bits of news "with just that look of, I think I've heard enough."

Another television executive on board, New York-based Todd Schwartz, said the captain and the crew were straightforward in explaining the situation to passengers, but TV offered more facts.

"You need to have the captain focusing on the task at hand and not just informing us," he said.

Why is there always a TV executive around whenever breaking news happens on television? These guys are the most opportunistic sons of bitches ever. We bet they've just got TV executives everywhere just waiting around for some shit to happen so they can get quoted on TV, thusly creating an uncomfortable tear in the space-time continuum before the executive disappears completely because he came into contact with himself or something like that.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Roberts In, Judiciary Committee Down, Time for the Senate, Where Idiots Shine
Topic: Politics

The Senate Judiciary Committee voted 13-5 to approve the nomination of John G. Roberts as the next Chief Justice of SCOTUS. We'll see how things continue to go, but it looks like he'll sail through the Senate vote next week after Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton and John Kerry get their sound bites in.


ABCNEWS.COM