Tom DeLay's Attorney Subpoenas Prosecuting Attorney; We Don't Know Why, But Whatever
Topic: Texas News

In an attempt to stop himself from ever having to go to trial, Tom DeLay had his attorney subpoena the lead prosecutor and two prosecuting attorneys about possible misconduct with the grand jury that indicted DeLay late last month. And now the two sides are at odds on whether or not the subpoena was even received.

Serving someone means that they have to physically take the paper in their hand. However, DeLay's attorney, Dick DeGuerin, seems to think someone has to sign for it. While that would be a first for such a document, DeGuerin doesn't care and is pissed, PISSED I TELL YOU, that DA Ronnie Earle didn't sign the paper that came with the subpoena and only accepted the document.

Now, the grand jury foreman has come out on behalf of Earle, making this case even more of a cluster fuck. While he said that he gave interviews after the jury deliberated, he never told any details of the case to the public or Earle, something that was cited in the subpoena.

"That's a bunch of (expletive) there," Gibson said. "That man did not talk to me."

Ah, you've gotta love Texas. He's indicting you? Sue that son of a bitch back! He's trying to play a politics game! This is gonna be a great frigging case.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

We Were Wrong; Bush is a Zealot
Topic: National News

We didn't believe that President Bush said that God wanted him to attack the Middle East. There was no feasible way that someone could be that... fucked up in the head. But apparently we proved that we were wrong yet again.

Today, President Bush said that his main choice of Harriet Miers as Sandra Day O'Connor's replacement as SCOTUS was "part of Harriet Miers’ life is her religion."

Holy Mary mother of god, he's making his decisions for our country's future based on religion. Please, Senate, please, deny him this confirmation. This bitch is as obviously nuts as he is. He gave up booze for god, so she must've given up something too. Crack? PCP? Who knows? We apologize for ever trusting in this crazed administration, and we now change our views on whether or not Bush actually said that god sent him to the Middle East. Even if Bush didn't say it, you know he's thinking it. Help!


MSNBC

How to Use Less Gas, Courtesy of The Onion



Thanks to The Onion for letting us know that we're not the only one doing the third thing on this list. Yeesh.


THE ONION

Mythbusters! Iraqi Constituion Agreement Reached?
Topic: World News

Reports are coming from Baghdad claiming that the Iraqi Congress has finally reached a Constitution agreement between the sparring religious factions, only after the Sunnis gave in and said that they would vote yes if the next year they could vote for amendments. What the Sunnis don't realize is that the Kurds and Shiites will still be in power and will crush every amendment they put forward. Whoops.

So is this real? Are Brad and Angelina really getting married? Did Nick and Jessica split? Who's banging Big Foot? We'll believe it when we see it.


ABC NEWS

Frist Stock NOT Only in Blind Trusts; GOP Considering Forfetting 2008 Elections Now
Topic: Politics

The Associated Press has discovered that Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist not only earned money from his family-controlled HCA corporation by dealing with blind trusts, but also from thousands of shares of HCA stock controlled outside of the trusts by his brother, the president of the hospital chain. This conflict of interest could mean that Frist was voting illegally for health care issues while having a stake in the actual health care market.

And let's not forget the SEC going after him for possible insider trading, i.e. "Pulling a Martha," as it is now called. Now we're not going to preach and pretend that we know fuck-all about the stock market, because we're basically retards when it comes to that, so we're going to use some quotes from the AP to help explain what is going on.

Edmond M. Ianni, a former Wilmington, Del., bank executive who established blind trusts for corporate executives, questioned why the senator's brother was able to manage assets "when the whole purpose of a blind trust is to ensure lack of not only conflict of interest — but appearance of conflict of interest?"

Umm, did you get that? Here's a statement from Frist's people:

"His interests in the family partnership were not held by his Senate blind trusts because Senate rules did not permit it. Senator Frist did not control the assets in this partnership and he annually disclosed his interests to the public as required," Frist spokesman Bob Stevenson said.

Okay, so we're gonna keep on this, even though we don't know what any of it means. We know it's not good for the GOP during their time of everyone screwing up, but then again, as long as no one finds a half-eaten baby under John McCain's desk, he should be cool for 2008.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

New James Bond Chosen! Go Rent Layer Cake Before It's Too Late!
Topic: Entertainment

We know that we're not known for being an entertainment blog, but we were very excited about the new choice today to play James Bond, so we had to tell everyone. It's Daniel Craig, of Road to Perdition and Layer Cake fame. He's been in tons of movies and television overseas, but hasn't found his niche here.

Well, now he will as James Bond in Casino Royale, which will soon begin filming for an expected release date Christmas of 2007. Congrats Daniel! And now to all of you; go rent Layer Cake and Enduring Love to brush up on your Daniel Craig!


THIS IS LONDON

Texas Rep. Kevin Brady Arrested for DUI; North Texas Hangs Its Collective Head in Shame
Topic: Embarrassment

What the hell is wrong with Congressmen nowadays? Corruption, underage sex, and now drunken driving? U.S. Congressman Kevin Brady was arrested over the weekend for driving under the influence of alcohol in South Dakota while attending a homecoming football game at his alma mater, The University of South Dakota.

No word on what his BAC was, but it was definitely above a .08, the legal limit in the state. And what was great was that he was pulled over for a "problem with his tail lights."

First Bush, then Frist, then DeLay, now Brady. Are there any other Texas politicians out there who can embarrass the crap out of us? John Cornyn, I'm talking to you!


REFLECTOR

Shield Law Sponsor Turns Prick; Bloggers "Probably Not" Journalists
Topic: Media

Senator Richard Lugar, the sponsor of the proposed Shield Law, which would, in essence, protect freedom of the press while licensing journalists, has recently made statements saying that most bloggers would not fall under the protection of the shield law. However, after looking at the terms of the first draft of the Free Flow of Information Act of 2005, there's no reason to see why this wouldn't cover our pitiful kind.

From the draft:

"covered person" protected by the bill's terms includes "any entity that disseminates information by print, broadcast, cable, satellite, mechanical, photographic, electronic, or other means and that publishes a newspaper, book, magazine, or other periodical in print or electronic form; operates a radio or television station (or network of such stations), cable system, or satellite carrier, or channel or programming service for any such station, network, system, or carrier; or operates a news agency or wire service." The legislation also covers employees, contractors or other persons who "gathers, edits, photographs, records, prepares, or disseminates news or information for any such entity."

Not that you read all of that. Shit, we didn't read all of that and we're writing about it. So pretty much, our reporting of this fact to you, the readers that otherwise would not have checked their email box to notice this had been forwarded to them, is not in itself journalistically protected. Therefore if we said something to the effect of licensing journalists is the first step to a socialist society and Richard Lugar blows goats, we would be in pretty big trouble with the government. Thank god we didn't say that. Oh crap...


EDITOR & PUBLISHER

Rich, Idiot Actress Worried About Poor People Affected By Hurricanes
Topic: Stupidity

We do not like Susan Sarandon. We're sure she's a very nice person and all of that normal shit that people say, but she's a retard. Not quite as bad as Sean Penn, but mildly retarded nonetheless.

After a complete deluge of news revolving around the hurricanes since they first formed, you cannot go one minute during a news broadcast without hearing some new information regarding anything regarding the two long gone storms. But Sarandon seems to think this is not enough.

"You had these really dramatic TV pictures and little sound bites of people standing in the rain. What happens when the rain stops and the water goes down - then you're getting to the heart of following through where the relief money is going, who's getting the contracts to rebuild and how the money is being spent."

We have a suggestion that Sarandon might actually like. Take Al Gore's awful CURRENT TV and turn it into the 24-hour Hurricane 2005 Channel. It could use the ratings, and then it would be like C-SPAN. If you want useless information, you know where to ignore it at.

Sarandon's final statement though, is the real kicker.

"Now, at least, we're aware and America is aware about how other Americans have been living. Nobody's been paying any attention to them."

Says the rich actress from behind the secure walls of her Hollywood mansion. Susan, we're not poor, and yet we don't have enough money to live well, so we suggest either giving your money to those "other Americans" or shutting your big dumb mouth.


CONTACT MUSIC

New Orleans Police Just Can't Stop Screwing Up
Topic: National News

Mere weeks after being caught on video looting a Wal-mart and stealing some 200+ cars for "patrol" purposes, the New Orleans police are in trouble again, this time for beating a 64 year old man who was being arrested for public intoxication. Then, to make matters worse, an officer slammed an AP producer up against a car before punching him in the stomach and letting loose on him for not stopping filming. Way to go NOLA PD.

“We have great concern with what we saw this morning,” Captain Marlon Defillo said after he and about a dozen other high-ranking police department officials watched the APTN footage Sunday. “It’s a troubling tape, no doubt about it. ... This department will take immediate action.”

And surprisingly, they did. The four officers involved in the case have all been dismissed without pay and charged with battery. The drunken 64-year-old was charged with a PI, resisting arrest, assaulting an officer and being black. The excuse for the behavior from the police, as quoted directly from the video tape, was "I’ve been here for six weeks trying to keep ... alive."

Ah. Sure, that's an... excuse.

Link to the video is below. Proceed with caution tough, as it is pretty violent and you'll have to deal with Ann Curry at the beginning of it. I swear, that girl is so dumb you can look into her eyes and through the back of her head.


MSNBC

McCain in 2008? Finally, Someone From the Right We'd be Willing to Vote For
Topic: Politics

Will John McCain run for president in the 2008 election, mostly against rival and now-friend Hillary Clinton? Possibly, says him. Yes, says us.

While McCain has completely ruled out running as the undercard on a presidential ticket, he has alluded to a possible run at the White House. And if he does and he has to face Hillary Clinton, there's nothing that Hill and her attack womb can do against the Senator from Arizona. Especially since her credibility has been rocked ever since she was born, while his is still completely intact.

McCain will let everyone know whether or not he is running after the 2006 elections, so we're finally getting closer to what we already know; the Democrats are screwed.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Housekeeping! Escaping the Invading Football Fans
Topic: Housekeeping

Because of the descent of thousands of drunken idiot UT and OU football fans invading our small slice of hell that is downtown Dallas this weekend for the 100th annual Red River Shootout, we're getting the crap out of here early today without a single story posted so that we may stock up on ammunition and beer while we still have some time.

So everyone have a safe weekend, and stay away from Dallas. Especially if you come in our neighborhood, because we'll shoot a mofo just for looking lost.

Rove to Fly Over From Transylvania and Give Last Minute CIA leak Testimony
Topic: National News

Bush's chief aide and architect Karl Rove will indeed give a last minute testimony to federal prosecutors investigating the leak of CIA agent Valerie Plame's identity. While the prosecuting attorneys said that there wouldn't be any guarantee that he wouldn't be indicted, we all know that they work for the same boss as Rove (Satan), so it's all good.

So now that the Rove is cooperating voluntarily, it'll be interesting to see how easy they go on him. The fact that most people in the Beltway are scared as hell of him is a pretty good thing for the Master too, so we'll keep you updated on who gets flayed alive in a secret chamber in the White House and who doesn't. DRINK BLOOD!


MSNBC

Where Can We Get One of These? NOW.
Topic: World News

Some of you may complain that this item has little or nothing to do with real news. To that we tell you to look on this damn site and tell us anything on there that DOES have anything to do with real news.

Two students at the University of Saarbruecken outside of Berlin, Germany, have invented a coaster with sensors inside of it that weigh a pint of beer and automatically send a signal to the bar when the drinker is out of alcohol. The creators also claim that a motion sensor inside the plastic mat can also be activated behind the bar if waved around. Of course, this action worked just fine with a regular coaster, t-shirt or towel, but hey, if they want motion sensors, they can have motion sensors.

At 84 euros, the prototype is a little steep, but the team thinks they can mass produce it for under 10 euros. Word has it a distributor in North America is interested in purchasing the rights to distribute it. They're called us.


REUTERS

Telephone Voting? Get Your Slide Whistles Ready to Throw an Election!
Topic: National News

How would you like to pick up your home telephone, enter some simple information, and vote for who you think should run the country into the ground. Well, not the country, but maybe your county.

The Wall Street Journal reported today that my 2006, all states will have local phone-voting that could possibly change to full service national voting as phone encryption gets better. Vermont will be the first state to enact this measure of voting, but only in polling places, thus making absolutely no sense for even attempting this method. You don't have time to vote, so you can simply drive to your polling place, pick up the phone and call. Then you can drive home and realize you've wasted more time than necessary. Ah America.


DRUDGE REPORT

Jimmy Carter's Son to Run For Senate; Pussy-foot Way Around Issues
Topic: Politics

In a move that shocked no one because no one cared, former President Jimmy Carter's oldest son Jack has announced he is seriously considering running for the Senate in the 2006 election. No word yet on whether or not he will be as ineffective and as much of a pussy as his father.

Jack Carter, obviously attempting to position himself away from his father's "do nothing and hope it turns out well" political motto, has labeled himself a "social liberal with conservative Southern roots," which pretty much means he's a Socialist.

He apparently began looking into running for the Senate after being so upset by how Hurricane Katrina was handled. That's right; he's running for the Senate because of the goddamn weather. Not the war. Now poverty. Not the misappropriation of funds. Weather. Weather. W E A T H E R.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Honda Designs Car to Embarrass the Hell Out of Your Dog; Comes With Convenient Dash-Crapper
Topic: Stupidity

This is so damn stupid we can barely imagine ourselves writing about it... but we are, so shut up and listen to the stupid that Honda has decided on; the W.O.W. "Pooch Car," or "Wonderfully Openhearted Wagon." Yes, a car designed with dogs in mind, including a big ass hole in the dashboard where you can put your dog right behind the engine, so that in case of a crash, it'll get squashed instantly instead of being inhumanely thrown out of the vehicle.

The W.O.W., or Piece of Shit, as we call it, also features special doggy seat belts, crates in the floor and washable flooring that can be rolled out. We love our dog, but she rides in the Subaru with her own special seat belt that was purchased at Petco. Total cost to us? $30. Cuter than a two foot hole in our dash? You bet your ass. Crazy damned Japanese...


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Holy Crap! Harry Reid a Fan of Someone Besides Harry Reid?
Topic: Politics

Liberals and conservatives were both shocked when Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid praised SCOTUS nominee Harriet Miers so much after the announcement of Bush's choosing of her to replace Sandra Day O'Connor. Mostly because Reid is a huge prick who has been known to attack over nothing. Reid, however, sees this as nothing big and simply explains that Miers "has real world experience." Yes, and being a judge for ten years means that you don't, but whatever Harry.

"As bright and brilliant and as good a lawyer as Judge Roberts was, I asked him - he'd never taken a deposition, he'd never picked a jury, never tried a case," Reid said. "He never tried a case. She has. We need people like that who have real-life experiences."

Okay Harry, HAVE YOU? Nope. Most attorneys don't try cases. There are patent attorneys, fiscal attorneys, research attorneys, you name it. Not everyone is a criminal prosecutor Harry. We're not stupid, but we've never tried a case either. That doesn't mean that we should be a judge, but maybe just a Senator. What do you think Harry?

Reid also said that even though he is denouncing any cronyism (the word of the week! - ed.) going on in politics, he will keep Miers out of his statements regarding that, because he loves her so much. Man... dude needs to get laid or get Cinemax.


KNIGHT RIDDER

Cartoon of the Day! Hammer Time!
Topic: Political Cartoons

In honor of former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay's second indictment, we give you this cartoon from Nick Anderson of the Louisville Courier-Journal. Funny how everything sort of runs together... and we thought that everyone had forgotten Rostenkowski. Good memory Nick!

Worst. Doctor. Ever.
Topic: Stupidity

An Oregon doctor has been sued for $4 million for a different type of malpractice, as her doctor said he could get rid of her back pain by having sex with her. The retard, sorry, we meant victim, agreed to many 45-minute "sessions" and then finally realized that, holy crap, the doctor just wanted to get his rocks off.

While the doctor has denied any wrongdoing in the boning area, he has admitted committing fraud by filing the woman's $5,000 sessions (was he a man-whore or a doctor? - ed.) with his insurance. The doctor has since been terminated from the office where he practiced and stripped of his license, whereas his unnamed patient was stripped of both her dignity and any pretense that she was intelligent.


MSNBC