Former FEMA Director Michael Brown is a Dick
Topic: Embarrassment

It's not quite as bad as appointing the President of the Arabian Horse Association as the director of FEMA, but now that ex-head Michael Brown's email has been released, it's getting worse. Here are some of the "jokes" and "comments" that Brown said in his emails as Katrina bore down on the Gulf coast.

Shortly after 7 a.m. on the morning of the storm, a FEMA public affairs official sent Brown an e-mail complimenting him on the outfit he wore during a national television briefing. In response to the e-mail, whose subject was “Re: New Orleans update,” Brown said, “I got it at Nordstroms,” then added, “Are you proud of me? Can I quit now? Can I go home?”

He also inquired about the following:

Michael Brown sent jocular e-mails to colleagues about his clothing, finding a dog-sitter and asking if he could quit.

Good guy. Great guy. Personally, we think George Bush cares about black people. But we do think that Michael Brown just doesn't care.


MSNBC

Second DeLay Judge Kicked Off Bench; This is Gonna be Bigger Than O.J.
Topic: Texas News

After having his first judge removed for reasons we don't care enough to research, the replacement judge in the Tom DeLay money laundering case was ousted from the bench today due to the $5,000+ he gave to Republican politicians. First judge Bob Perkins was removed from the trial for giving the same amount to Democratic politicians.

DeLay worries that he won't get a fair trial, even though Texas is Republican run and pretty much he could crush a kitten with his bare hands and everyone would turn the other way.

The recently removed judge, B.B. Schraub, said he will file for the Texas Supreme Court Chief Justice to decide who shall preside over the case, that way making it as impartial of a trial as possible. We have a suggestion.




AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Our Official Boycott of Subway Begins Today! No More Pepsi!
Topic: Stupidity

First you can't smoke in places that serve food, and now you only have the choice of having machine piss or diet machine piss.

Subway sandwich restaurants, in a moment of absolute retarded clarity, has finished phasing out Pepsi products from 100% of their stores and replaced them with the over sugared and painful to drink products of Coca-Cola. Subway says they did it to reduce costs, but we all know it's because they're money whores who were offered truckloads of doubloons and pirate booty to switch from Pepsi.

Well that's fine Subway. Now, instead of coming in every day and having a six inch Sweet Onion Chicken Teryaki on wheat with some Baked Lays and a Diet Pepsi, we're going to Quizno's, cause they picked up the Pepsi contract bitches!


MSNBC

Aaron Brown Out at CNN! No Good Reason Why!
Topic: Media

Veteran journalist and anchor Aaron Brown has been given the heave-ho from CNN, radically changing, yet again, the way the organization is structured. What follows is the bullshit letter from Joe Klein to CNN staffers as to why Brown has "left."

To: All CNN Staff

From: Jon Klein

We have made some programming decisions which will impact our prime time schedule as well as our colleague Aaron Brown. Aaron will be leaving CNN and is very much looking forward to some well-deserved time off with his family.

Aaron has made enormous contributions to CNN since his groundbreaking anchoring of Sept. 11th through the war in Iraq to the Tsunami to the recent hurricanes. Outside of the big stories, on a nightly basis, Aaron has provided our audiences with insight into the events of the United States and the world with eloquence and the highest journalist integrity.

Besides his stellar work as an anchor, Aaron stands as an absolutely brilliant writer, evident by the thoughtful perspective he injects into every story he touches.

Personally, I will miss Aaron and his wicked sense of humor. We cannot thank Aaron enough for the skills and professionalism he brought to CNN. Given his respect throughout the industry, there is no question that he will be missed.

No word on whether or not MSNBC has offered him a "large boat" full of money to help give them another reason to drop Chris Matthews and his annoying "speak-yell" way of talking from their lineup.


DRUDGE REPORT

P.S. - And we apologize for all the air quotes used in this piece, but we had a lot of "sarcasm" to get out.

50 Cent A Fan of the President? We Doubt It's The Other Way Around
Topic: Entertainment

Rapper/Actor 50 Cent has come forward with his disagreement with Kanye West's infamous "George Bush does not like black people" statement during a hurricane relief concert. However, 50 Cent's statements just confuse the crap out of us, proving once again that you don't have to say anything people can understand to get mentioned on this site.

"I think people responded to it the best way they can. What Kanye West was saying, I don't know where that came from. The New Orleans disaster was meant to happen. It was an act of God."

Guess we're returning to the good old days of God smiting people and bringing plagues and such. We had locusts last year. Must be the hurricane plague in '05. Next year should be rivers of blood, so fill up your bathtubs!


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Man Kills Home-Invading Deer With Bare Hands! Later Eats Heart in Front of Sheriff
Topic: National News

Wayne Goldsberry broke the neck of a buck that had broken through his daughter's bedroom and began to rampage through the house. The struggle between man and deer lasted for 40 minutes before Goldsberry was able to grab the deer by the antlers and twist its neck. The blood-covered warrior then dragged the beast outside the house, where he would for the police to show up, late as always.

And what will the warrior do with his slain enemy? He will have him processed for meat and eat him, thereby ingesting his soul forever.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Greenpeace Screws up Reef; Irony Laughs at Hippies
Topic: Stupidity

Greenpeace is red faced after having to pay a $7,000 fine for ramming their flagship vessel, The Rainbow Warrior II, into a coral reef in Philippines and damaged 113 square yards of the fragile ecosystem.

"This accident could have been avoided if the chart was accurate," Red Constantino of Greenpeace Southeast Asia said in the statement. "We feel responsible, however, and this amount will be transferred Wednesday."

Ah yes, blame it on the cartographers that failed to properly map L I F E. Perhaps you had it coming to you, what with naming your flag ship The Rainbow Warrior II. Sounds like a gay WWE star's adopted son-turned gay WWE star.


REUTERS via YAHOO! NEWS

Bush Wants $7.1 Billion for Bird Flu Pandemic That Hasn't Happened!
Topic: National News

Possibly hurting by the strong political backlash against pretty much every decision he's made up to this point, President Bush has asked Congress for $7.1 billion to help prepare for a possible bird flu epidemic... even though the disease has killed only 62 and infected 122 people worldwide since being discovered in 2003.

Using research from the flu outbreak in 1918 that killed over a half million in America and 20 million worldwide, Bush put together the outline for how these funds would be spent.

* $1.2 billion for the government to buy enough doses of the vaccine against the current strain of bird flu to protect 20 million Americans
* $1 billion to stockpile more anti-viral drugs that lessen the severity of the flu symptoms;
* $2.8 billion to speed the development of vaccines as new strains emerge, a process that now takes months
* $583 million for states and local governments to prepare emergency plans to respond to an outbreak

This actually works for us. Better since God wasn't mentioned once in the dispersion of the funds. But what's really interesting is that last week, Congress appropriated $8 billion in emergency funding to handle this. Any word on where that money is going? Because we have a plan that only requires $800,000. It's called the "Stop Us From Being So Broke" initiative, and we think it's a pretty good investment for our country.


MSNBC

We Hate Computers, and Other Angered Musings
Topic: Housekeeping

Seriously, computers blow. We're having server issues and have not been able to log in for the better part of the day. Since our server is currently located in Melbourne, Australia, there isn't much we can do from here until our messages are returned in the morning. Therefore, we're going to be backing off and hoping that the pygmies in the machine tire from eating our little space on the net and move on to somebody else.

PYGMIES!

We Hate Computers, and Other Angered Musings
Topic: Housekeeping

Seriously, computers blow. We're having server issues and have not been able to log in for the better part of the day. Since our server is currently located in Melbourne, Australia, there isn't much we can do from here until our messages are returned in the morning. Therefore, we're going to be backing off and hoping that the pygmies in the machine tire from eating our little space on the net and move on to somebody else.

PYGMIES!

Bush Picks Philly Judge as SCOTUS Nominee; No Word on Whether or Not Judge Owns an IROC-Z
Topic: Politics

After having his prime candidate and personal lap dog Harriet Miers drop out of contention last week, President Bush has quickly picked a Philadelphia judge with more years of experience than any other member of the Supreme Court during their nomination in over 70 years. Samuel Alito has served as a U.S. Court of Appeals judge for some 15+ years, a strong contrast to Harriet Miers, who served as Bush's personal lawyer for over 10.

“The Supreme Court is an institution I have long held in reverence,” said Alito. “During my 29 years as a public servant, I’ve had an opportunity to view the Supreme Court from a variety of perspectives.”

Alito has also argued 12 cases in front of the Supreme Court, more than any other nominee. The Democrats are of course up in arms over this choice, saying that by not choosing a woman, Bush is attempting to turn SCOTUS into an all-white men's club. While we don't think Bush hasn't been doing a lot of good at anything lately, we also think this is a major overreaction. Then again, the Dems were right about Miers, so who knows?


MSNBC

Bush Picks Philly Judge as SCOTUS Nominee; No Word on Whether or Not Judge Owns an IROC-Z
Topic: Politics

After having his prime candidate and personal lap dog Harriet Miers drop out of contention last week, President Bush has quickly picked a Philadelphia judge with more years of experience than any other member of the Supreme Court during their nomination in over 70 years. Samuel Alito has served as a U.S. Court of Appeals judge for some 15+ years, a strong contrast to Harriet Miers, who served as Bush's personal lawyer for over 10.

“The Supreme Court is an institution I have long held in reverence,” said Alito. “During my 29 years as a public servant, I’ve had an opportunity to view the Supreme Court from a variety of perspectives.”

Alito has also argued 12 cases in front of the Supreme Court, more than any other nominee. The Democrats are of course up in arms over this choice, saying that by not choosing a woman, Bush is attempting to turn SCOTUS into an all-white men's club. While we don't think Bush hasn't been doing a lot of good at anything lately, we also think this is a major overreaction. Then again, the Dems were right about Miers, so who knows?


MSNBC

Fitzgerald to Announce Plamegate Investigation Findings at One; Democrats Wait With Crossed Fingers, Try to Act Tough
Topic: Politics

Special investigator Patrick Fitzgerald will hold a press conference today at 1:00PM CST (that's central time, for all you east-coasters - ed.) to announce the findings and possible indictments of those involved with Plamegate. However, we have the inside dirt already. Would you like to know? Would you?

Rove will not be indicted.

Yet.

Fitzgerald spoke with Rove's attorneys and told them that he hadn't finished his investigation on the special council to the President yet. So we'll keep you updated. As it comes to Scooter, there's no word, but he should be indicted just for working the VOTUS's Chief of Staff and still using the name "Scooter."

Remember folks, actually GOING by your old college nickname isn't cool past the age of 25.


DALLAS MORNING NEWS

Suicide Corpse Mistaken for Halloween Decoration; Our Country is Messed Up
Topic: Stupidity

We know that Halloween is supposed to be scary and shit, but residents of Frederica, Delaware, are a little too morbid for humanity.

After hours of hanging 15 feet in the air, the corpse of a woman who hung herself was finally identified as just that, and not a Halloween decoration.

“They thought it was a Halloween decoration,” Fay Glanden, wife of Mayor William Glanden, told The (Wilmington) News Journal. “It looked like something somebody would have rigged up.”

We usually carve pumpkins, but hanging corpses is acceptable too. Perhaps we should go buy some beef tripe and goat blood and sling it all over our lawn. That way, when someone asks us what the hell happened, we can throw up our arms, smile, and say "Happy Halloween jackass!"


MSNBC

NFL to City of New Orleans; "F*** You."
Topic: Sports

In an act probably meant to cause even more enragement in two parts of the south with lots of violent people and guns, the NFL has been looking into moving the New Orleans Saints to Los Angeles if the devastated city cannot recover from Hurricane Katrina. Then, when Saints management said they were interested in staying in San Antonio, the NFL delivered a pride-obliterating bitch slap, saying that the market in LA was better.

Saints owner Tom Benson released this statement:

“After reviewing the reports about our team and the abundance of wide-sweeping negative media commentary and columns, I offer this: No decision has been made about the future of the team. We have continued to operate and represent the city and fans of New Orleans. When the time is right and the factors that are yet unresolved are resolved, a decision of the future of the team will be made.”

To brings the Saints to LA would give the city an NFL team, something they have been without since 1994 when the Raiders moved back to Oakland because there were tired of being associated with gangs and would rather be associated with gays. New Orleans Hornets owner George Shinn said he would return his basketball team to the city as soon as possible, making us ask, "When did the Hornets leave Charlotte, and why are we drinking old milk laced with NyQuil?"


MSNBC

Harriet Miers Withdraws Nomination; We Still Don't Care
Topic: Politics

Just like the title said, SCOTUS nomination Harriet Miers has withdrawn her nomination, probably because of all the crap she's getting for having absolutely no opinions about anything. That's all we have to say about that, because we never really cared about it anyway.


MSNBC

BREAKING! One of the Bush's Takes Responsibility!
Topic: National News

By the headline statement "One of the..." you could easily tell it was not the psychotically religious President. It was, in fact, Florida Governor Jeb Bush, who today told a crowded room of reporters that the slow reaction to Hurricane Wilma was not FEMA's fault, but his own.

Now some might see this as honorable. We, however, are cynical as all hell, so we see this as a political action plan to have the governor of the state of Louisiana to step forward and accept some of the post-Katrina blame. Will it work? Most likely not. It is smart though. Take the blame and say this is what we should've done, and the echoes of Katrina will slowly move throughout columnists in the media until one day, two years down the road, the Louisiana governor takes the blame and no one remembers for what.

Smart. Futile, but smart.


MSNBC

Man Sprinkles Something You Don't Want to Know About on Pastries
Topic: Texas News

Barf.

Just barf. This is all we can say regarding this. Just goddamn barf.

A 49-year-old Dallas cab driver was caught on video tape sprinkling DRIED HUMAN FECES on pastries at a Fiesta grocery store. The man, who's name we can neither speak nor spell, would dry out human shit in either a microwave or the open air, grate it with a cheese grater, and then sprinkle it on things.

B A R F.


KGBT-TV

Headset and Remote Control Movement! Next Up? Mind Control Over Women! Hooray!
Topic: World News

A Japanese research center has officially been able to disorient human movement by placing a headset over a user's ears and then moving a joystick from side to side. The movement sends electric pulses into the brain, causing the equilibrium in our inner ear to be thrown off and only corrected when we move to where the joystick wants us to go.

In other news? We just got aroused with the thought of the possibilities of becoming the first Jedi fucking master. Yes, we said aroused. Deal with it.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Scooter and Rove to be Indicted Today? The World Waits With Not-Caring Breath
Topic: Politics

Special prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald has wrapped up his case to the grand jury today in the ongoing Plamegate scandal and may announce as early as this afternoon whether or not to charge Karl "Virgin Blood" Rove and I. "Scooter" Libby, VEEP Cheney's Chief of Staff for their part in the leak of CIA agent Valerie Plame's identity. However, it appears that everyone has lost interest. As soon as the focus turned away from Bush and on to Rove, the MSM knew they were dealing with their dark overlord, so they had to stay away for fear of being boiled in oil for eternity.

But the big issue is whether Vice President Cheney passed Plame's identity to Scooter, and if so, whether Bush knew about it. We can answer that one for you curious folks: of course not. It was nap time, and no one's allowed to disturb the President during then because he gets cranky. Developing...


MSNBC