Beer Good For You? That's What We've Been Saying For Years!!!
Topic: National News

Researchers from Oregon State University have come to the conclusion that the hops in heavier beers, such as porters, stouts (mmm, MacKesson - ed.) and ales have cancer fighting agents that have been overlooked in previous studies. The flavonids (seriously, we didn't make that word up) contained in the hops have enzymes inside of them that kill "free radicals" which could cause cancer and a love of Che Gueverra in adults.

However, in order to get enough flavonids to help your system out, you'd pretty much die of alcohol poisoning or by being crushed by your enormous beer gut, so calm down frat boys. Your time in the sun hasn't come yet. And by the way, kegs of Keystone Light don't have many flavonids to begin with.


MSNBC

India Has Shitty Healthcare, Ant Problem
Topic: World News

A woman being treated in a Kolkata, India, hospital lost one of her eyes after ants ate it, following her diabetes treatment. While screaming for help, nurses told the woman that pain would be normal after having surgery. Pain, yes. Pain with ants, no.

The woman's family removed her eye bandage Monday to find a hole where her eye used to be swarming with the little buggers. The hospital released this statement:

"It's not uncommon for ants to attack diabetic patients. We have set up a committee to investigate the unfortunate incident."

Ah yes, a committee. How about setting up a goddamn ant trap instead?


REUTERS

Kazakhstan Might Sue Ali G! That's Whack Yo, Booyakasha
Topic: Entertainment

The Asian nation of Kazakhstan has threatened to sue comedian Sacha Baron Cohen, a.k.a. Ali G, a.k.a. Borat, the immigrant from Kazakhstan who once said, "In Kazakhstan, national pastimes are punching cows and rape," for defamation of their country.

"We do not rule out that Mr. Cohen is serving someone's political order designed to present Kazakhstan and its people in a derogatory way," Kazakh Foreign Ministry spokesman Yerzhan Ashykbayev (<------- look at that funky name - ed.).

If that isn't reason enough to make even MORE fun of them, then we don't know what is. Retards. And by retards, we just mean they don't know anything.


REUTERS via YAHOO! NEWS

Shagging Cheerleaders Just Crying, Not Shagging; Thus Ends the Best Story EVER
Topic: Embarrassment

The two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders that were arrested for allegedly having some loud sex in a nightclub's bathroom have released a statement ending perhaps one of the best news stories we've reported. Angela Keathley said that she was in the bathroom stall crying after running into an ex-boyfriend and that Renee Thomas was merely comforting her before comforting her fist into a complaining patron's face.

But this is not the end of the story for the two women, as one faces felony charges for using a fake ID, while Keathley is worried she may lose her job as a nurse. Seriously, a (possible) lesbian cheerleading nurse. Nevermind, this story is arousing again, so we'll keep you informed on all the hot shenanigans involving this case.


TAMPA TRIBUNE

Woman Finds Freeze Dried Turtle In Coffee Package; Thank God We Drink Pepsi In The Mornings
Topic: National News

An Iowa woman will probably now only grind her own coffee beans after finding a dead turtle in a package of freeze dried Folgers. She has since turned over the Columbian-smelling carcass to Proctor & Gamble for testing (to see how well it filters? - ed.).

P&G spokesmen said that they don't doubt the woman's claim, but that this was an isolated incident and nothing to worry about. No word on what kind of turtle it was that met its maker in cheap ass coffee.


REUTERS via YAHOO! NEWS

French Stage Anti-Violence Sit-In; Give Rioters Easy Target
Topic: World News

French citizens, tired and angered of the nonstop riots that have been occurring across the countryside for the past two weeks, have finally sat down... to end the violence. The notoriously pussy French decided that after the burning, deaths and destruction, just having a good sit will cure all.

"Today, we don't want an armistice — we want peace," national police chief Michel Gaudin said. "An armistice is a temporary halt. What we want is definitive peace for the suburbs."

And it's working so well, that more than 700 extra riot police have been called into Paris to help with security. President Jacques Chirac continues to ask for aide, but because we're dicks and the fucked us on the whole Afghanistan/Iraq help thing, we're just throwing up the middle finger like a six-shooter. Eat it, bitches, and prepare for bloody cheese.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Clinton on Impeachment; "Egregious Abuse" of Constitution, Interns
Topic: Embarrassment

While speaking at Hofstra University yesterday, Bill Clinton went all PR-denial crazy when Douglas Brinkley asked of his impeachment trial. What did the sex-crazed former President (who incidentally debated the meaning of the word "is" - ed.) say on the matter?

“You can agree with that statement, but only if you think impeachment was justified. Otherwise, it was an egregious abuse of the Constitution and law and history of our country.”

Ah, so NOW we have an insight. if you think the impeachment was justified, then it was cool with the Constitution. If not, then you're a douchebag of democracy. Wait, what?


MSNBC

18 Year Old Ousts 51 Year Old as Mayor of Michigan Town!
Topic: Politics

18-year-old Michael Sessions beat the incumbent mayor of Hillsdale, Michigan, after running an impressive write-in campaign that garnered him 732 votes to his opponent's 668. What shocks us about this whole scenario is not that an 18-year-old won, but that roughly only 1,400 people came out to vote for the mayor of their town.

Hillsdale has a population of only 9,000, yet our hometown in East Texas had less than that and more people turn out to vote for mayor. Obviously, no one cares about the position, even though Hillsdale pays their mayor a whopping $250 a month and does not even give him an office.

Sessions's opponent, Doug Ingles, 51, said that he was not ashamed to lose to a kid who wasn't even on the ballot.

"It's an honor to serve. I'm proud of that."

Who knew that even small-town mayors were as gracious in defeat as asshole politicians who pretend to say that their opponent was "an extraordinary candidate whom it was an honor to run against," even though you know that they really want to put a middle finger and say "fuck you, you suck."


USA TODAY

ANWR Drilling Dropped From Budget! Way to Follow That Energy Plan, Congress!
Topic: National News

Having caused a stir during the presidential elections in 2004, the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge drilling program has quietly been relegated to back page news, led instead by news of Paris Hilton and humiliated murderers in Iraq. But now, Congress has grown weary of this project and its lack of newsworthiness, so they killed it.

Or has it?

The House dropped the referendum during their budget meeting, but the Senate did not, and we all know that it takes the votes of about 20 Representatives to equal the combined voting (and drinking and eating - ed.) power of one of these bloated fat cats. So who will prevail?

The vote is prepared for today, setting the stage for a possible battle royale. Then we will see if Congress will stick to their approved energy plan or just shrug their shoulders and say, "Piss on it. Oil prices are back down anyways."


MSNBC

Judy Miller Quits NY Times! Oh Noes! Who Will We Make Fun of in the Media? Oh Yeah, Everyone Else
Topic: Media

Judy Miller, the reporter jailed for 85 days for not releasing her sources during the early days of Plamegate, has retired after 28 years at the paper. Perhaps the reasons regarding her leaving were that she was going to be fired, especially after some nasty emails began to circulate from her bosses on down.

Maybe it was because she got a massive book deal and six figure speaking engagements. Or just maybe she wanted some time away to find a man to grow old with.

Yeah, we're guessing the second one too.


MSNBC

Deano Rounds up Election Coverage For Us; Spins in Totally Odd Direction
Topic: Politics

Now that it's the day after the elections and everyone has already forgotten what the issues were since this is a political off-year, we turn to the resident spin artist/idiot of the Democratic Party, Chairman Howard "The Scream" Dean, to throw his zero cents worth of intelligence into a statement about how it was an ass-whomping for the Democratic party, and that now the power has shifted because they got some referendums killed and two guys elected Governor in Democratic states... even though the party got crushed in New York and for their gay marriage stance, but regardless, he's funny to read, so here goes.

"The resounding victories tonight by Jon Corzine and Tim Kaine have sent a powerful message that when Democrats stand up for what we believe in, we win. They showed that the values and priorities of the Democratic Party are the values and priorities of the American people.

"Jon Corzine and Tim Kaine were strong candidates who offered vision and leadership based on the shared values and priorities of the voters of New Jersey and Virginia. They worked hard to earn the trust and the votes of the people in their states by not taking a single vote or voter for granted.

"Also tonight, voters all across the country delivered a resounding message: Americans are tired of the politics of hate and divisiveness, and voted for strong Democratic candidates who offered true leadership for their states and communities. These candidates showed exactly what our party is going to do to stand up and win in 2006."

Okay Democrats, you have your official statement. Get a message, goddamn you! This is gonna be hilarious. Now enough politics, we voted and that's all that counts!


NEWSWIRE

Saddam Lawyers Boycott Trial For Fear of Dying; What Did They Expect? They're Defending SADDAM HUSSEIN
Topic: World News

Saddam's defense team has boycotted his trial after another of them was gunned down yesterday morning. Now, the attorneys who are trying to get the Butcher of Baghdad off the hook are looking for, you guessed it, U.S. aide to help.

"We call on the international community, the U.N. Security Council, the United States and all those involved to work on scrapping the criminal court as illegitimate, and also to pressure it to release President Saddam Hussein and his legitimate leadership team.

Ah, there is it. We need your help, and also for you to let our client go, because a court obviously isn't going to. So now, the defense team is hiding out until they can be protected, which I'm sure many of Saddam's victims wish they had the opportunity to do. We say kill any lawyer willing to protect the lunatic and drag their naked bodies through the street. It finally would be a good use for a defense attorney.


REUTERS

Gay Marriage Ban Passes in Texas; Apparently Only Straight People Are Allowed Marriage Tax Breaks
Topic: Texas Politics

Once again Texans showed their idiocy by voting to constitutionally ban gay marriage in the state. Because obviously they care. They don't know why they care, but they care. What this amendment comes down to is that Texans don't think gay people deserve a marriage tax break. Way to go rednecks.

Woman Hides Rare Stolen Bird In Bra; Wanted to Trade Bird for Car, Because That Makes Sense
Topic: Stupidity

A Fort Myers, Florida, woman was arrested after stealing a $2,000 bird from her employer and attempting to trade it for a vintage car with a man who knows her employer rather well. The woman stole the rare parrot by cramming it in her bra, meaning that either she has the most misproportioned boobs we've ever heard or she's REALLY fat.

So she didn't get the car, got arrested for grand theft, and the bird was returned to the owner after, get this, it passed a DNA test. Fort Myers police performed a DNA test ON A GODDAMNED BIRD. Remind us never to move there.


MSNBC

Going to Afghanistan? Stay in Luxury While Poor People Sell Crap in Your Spit Zone
Topic: World News

Despite an occupation and violence erupting sporadically across the country, Kabul, Afghanistan has welcomed its first five star hotel, The Serena. But be sure that when you book a room, you don't get one on the west side, because the entire city of Kabul only has electricity for a couple of hours a day.

Oops!

And with rooms starting at $250 and rising up to $1,200, you know you're going to be a target for those lovely rocket attacks that happen in the downtown district every week. The hotel features a swimming pool, health club, pastry shop and two restaurants where you can order whatever food you like that smells like it was cooked by a goat that had taken a shower in bacon grease. We'd prefer Costa Rica.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Election Day 2005! Not The Big One, But It IS One!
Topic: Politics

Just a reminder to everyone that today is election day across the nation! Many important gubernatorial elections are taking place today, as well as many other important issues. No major national elections, but hey, local government is important too, right?

Here in the state of Texas, we have nine proposed constitutional amendments, including the "gay marriage" proposition, which we don't even see why it's an argument. Then again, we're not homophobic idiots. The link below has the Texas list of proposed amendments to our constitution, so if you live in this state, go exercise your right to vote! If you live in a state with a governor election, good luck and hope to crap you guys don't implode.


SECRETARY OF STATE, STATE OF TEXAS

Somehow, NYC GOP Mayor Destroying Democratic Candidate One Day Before the Election
Topic: Politics

We're going to admit that we're not big fans of Michael Bloomberg. In fact, we downright loathe the fact that this man took away smoking... IN BARS... and stripping... IN STRIP CLUBS. We know that he wanted to change the veneer of the city that at the time was known more for crack and culture, but if you look at it, it doesn't matter because New Yorkers are still fucking assholes.

However, despite these rather large facts and also that NYC is %70 licensed Democrat/Jew, the Republican Bloomberg is still somehow trouncing his Democratic opponent in the polls leading up tomorrow's election. This ain't no Kerry scary shit either, ladies and gentlemen. The Associated Press is showing that despite candidate Fernando Ferrer bringing in the big guns, if Al Sharpton and Barack Obama can truly be called that, he's fallen 38% behind Bloomberg in the latest poll taken today, despite being UP to 30% last week.

Ouch. So if anyone in NYC is reading this, first, don't you eyeball my sister you sonuvabitch, and second, vote for whoever you want, because there still isn't going to be any smoking or naked strippers, and that sounds like Salt Lake City to us.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Pirates Attack Cruise Chip on the High Seas! Shocked Retirees Tell All!
Topic: World News

Pirates attacked a cruise ship off the coast of Kenya this weekend, finally proving that our parents were lying to us when they said pirates didn't exist anymore. PIRATES!

These modern day pirates took aim at the boat on Saturday afternoon with machine gun and RPG fire in a failed attempt to board the vessel and relieve the passengers of money and many pairs of sansibelt slacks. One crew member was injured by shrapnel during the attack, but no one was killed or seriously wounded. Drat.

"I tell you, it was a very frightening experience," WWII veteran Charles Supple, of Fiddletown, Calif., recalled by phone after the liner dropped anchor off Seychelles.

The retired physician and World War II veteran said said he started to take a photograph of a pirate craft, and "the man with the bazooka aimed it right at me and I saw a big flash.

"Needless to say, I dropped the camera and dived. The grenade struck two decks above and about four rooms further forward," Supple said. "I could tell the guy firing the bazooka was smiling."

Well of course he was smiling! That was probably the biggest ship he'd ever seen in his life and it was in his sights! Geez, we would've had an erection if we were that pirate, and we also wouldn't have given up that easily. All it took was for the cruise ship to go to full speed and change their course. Come on pirates, get some jet skis and follow them! You're fearsome!


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

NFL Cheerleader Shags Possible NFL Cheerleader in Nightclub Bathroom
Topic: Sports

Wheeeee! The week is off and running with news that puts a smile on our faces. Carolina Panther cheerleader Angela Ellen Keathley was arrested along with another unidentified woman after they were caught at a nightclub having sex in the women's bathroom.

Awesome start to the week. And since we're perverts and don't want to leave out a detail, we're going to use the report from Tampa Bay Online to let you know everything that happened. Here goes...

Witnesses said Keathley and the woman were having sex in a stall at Banana Joe's in Channelside about 2:10 a.m. Sunday, an arrest report states.

Club patron Melissa Holden said she and other women became angry while waiting for the restroom.

Holden said she could see the two women in the stall and heard moaning. After about 15 minutes, she said, the two women emerged. Another patron complained and then "the blonde hit me in the face," Holden said.

Holden said she grabbed that woman's arms, held them behind her back and called for security.

Haaaawwwwtttt. Drunken cheerleader on girl sex; cat fight; girl on cheerleader restraint. We're big fans of Debbie Does Dallas, but this sequel Debbie Does Ginger in the Bathroom of a Night Club in Carolina, is much better plot-wise.


MSNBC

CAROLINA PANTHER CHEERLEADERS

Andy Rooney Doesn't Know What A Blog Is; God Help Us All, He Say's While Rolling His Eyes...
Topic: National News

Andy Rooney informed the CBS News blog "Public Eye" that on Thursday that not only does he not know what a blog is, but he think they're "vastly overrated."

Our response to this is that we used to watch Andy Rooney on Sundays when we lived in East Texas with our parents and had the choice on Sunday night between six channels, but now 60 Minutes seems to take a backseat to Family Guy and The Simpsons for some reason we can't figure out. Thanks Andy. Keep curmudgeoning your way to the top.


IMDB (last item)

P.S. - And many of you may be wondering why we're posting at 9:12PM CST on a Friday night. The answer is easy; we're drunk and bored and nobody has called us because of our "drinking problem," or something like that.