18 Year Old Ousts 51 Year Old as Mayor of Michigan Town!
Topic: Politics

18-year-old Michael Sessions beat the incumbent mayor of Hillsdale, Michigan, after running an impressive write-in campaign that garnered him 732 votes to his opponent's 668. What shocks us about this whole scenario is not that an 18-year-old won, but that roughly only 1,400 people came out to vote for the mayor of their town.

Hillsdale has a population of only 9,000, yet our hometown in East Texas had less than that and more people turn out to vote for mayor. Obviously, no one cares about the position, even though Hillsdale pays their mayor a whopping $250 a month and does not even give him an office.

Sessions's opponent, Doug Ingles, 51, said that he was not ashamed to lose to a kid who wasn't even on the ballot.

"It's an honor to serve. I'm proud of that."

Who knew that even small-town mayors were as gracious in defeat as asshole politicians who pretend to say that their opponent was "an extraordinary candidate whom it was an honor to run against," even though you know that they really want to put a middle finger and say "fuck you, you suck."


USA TODAY

ANWR Drilling Dropped From Budget! Way to Follow That Energy Plan, Congress!
Topic: National News

Having caused a stir during the presidential elections in 2004, the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge drilling program has quietly been relegated to back page news, led instead by news of Paris Hilton and humiliated murderers in Iraq. But now, Congress has grown weary of this project and its lack of newsworthiness, so they killed it.

Or has it?

The House dropped the referendum during their budget meeting, but the Senate did not, and we all know that it takes the votes of about 20 Representatives to equal the combined voting (and drinking and eating - ed.) power of one of these bloated fat cats. So who will prevail?

The vote is prepared for today, setting the stage for a possible battle royale. Then we will see if Congress will stick to their approved energy plan or just shrug their shoulders and say, "Piss on it. Oil prices are back down anyways."


MSNBC

Judy Miller Quits NY Times! Oh Noes! Who Will We Make Fun of in the Media? Oh Yeah, Everyone Else
Topic: Media

Judy Miller, the reporter jailed for 85 days for not releasing her sources during the early days of Plamegate, has retired after 28 years at the paper. Perhaps the reasons regarding her leaving were that she was going to be fired, especially after some nasty emails began to circulate from her bosses on down.

Maybe it was because she got a massive book deal and six figure speaking engagements. Or just maybe she wanted some time away to find a man to grow old with.

Yeah, we're guessing the second one too.


MSNBC

Deano Rounds up Election Coverage For Us; Spins in Totally Odd Direction
Topic: Politics

Now that it's the day after the elections and everyone has already forgotten what the issues were since this is a political off-year, we turn to the resident spin artist/idiot of the Democratic Party, Chairman Howard "The Scream" Dean, to throw his zero cents worth of intelligence into a statement about how it was an ass-whomping for the Democratic party, and that now the power has shifted because they got some referendums killed and two guys elected Governor in Democratic states... even though the party got crushed in New York and for their gay marriage stance, but regardless, he's funny to read, so here goes.

"The resounding victories tonight by Jon Corzine and Tim Kaine have sent a powerful message that when Democrats stand up for what we believe in, we win. They showed that the values and priorities of the Democratic Party are the values and priorities of the American people.

"Jon Corzine and Tim Kaine were strong candidates who offered vision and leadership based on the shared values and priorities of the voters of New Jersey and Virginia. They worked hard to earn the trust and the votes of the people in their states by not taking a single vote or voter for granted.

"Also tonight, voters all across the country delivered a resounding message: Americans are tired of the politics of hate and divisiveness, and voted for strong Democratic candidates who offered true leadership for their states and communities. These candidates showed exactly what our party is going to do to stand up and win in 2006."

Okay Democrats, you have your official statement. Get a message, goddamn you! This is gonna be hilarious. Now enough politics, we voted and that's all that counts!


NEWSWIRE

Saddam Lawyers Boycott Trial For Fear of Dying; What Did They Expect? They're Defending SADDAM HUSSEIN
Topic: World News

Saddam's defense team has boycotted his trial after another of them was gunned down yesterday morning. Now, the attorneys who are trying to get the Butcher of Baghdad off the hook are looking for, you guessed it, U.S. aide to help.

"We call on the international community, the U.N. Security Council, the United States and all those involved to work on scrapping the criminal court as illegitimate, and also to pressure it to release President Saddam Hussein and his legitimate leadership team.

Ah, there is it. We need your help, and also for you to let our client go, because a court obviously isn't going to. So now, the defense team is hiding out until they can be protected, which I'm sure many of Saddam's victims wish they had the opportunity to do. We say kill any lawyer willing to protect the lunatic and drag their naked bodies through the street. It finally would be a good use for a defense attorney.


REUTERS

Gay Marriage Ban Passes in Texas; Apparently Only Straight People Are Allowed Marriage Tax Breaks
Topic: Texas Politics

Once again Texans showed their idiocy by voting to constitutionally ban gay marriage in the state. Because obviously they care. They don't know why they care, but they care. What this amendment comes down to is that Texans don't think gay people deserve a marriage tax break. Way to go rednecks.

Woman Hides Rare Stolen Bird In Bra; Wanted to Trade Bird for Car, Because That Makes Sense
Topic: Stupidity

A Fort Myers, Florida, woman was arrested after stealing a $2,000 bird from her employer and attempting to trade it for a vintage car with a man who knows her employer rather well. The woman stole the rare parrot by cramming it in her bra, meaning that either she has the most misproportioned boobs we've ever heard or she's REALLY fat.

So she didn't get the car, got arrested for grand theft, and the bird was returned to the owner after, get this, it passed a DNA test. Fort Myers police performed a DNA test ON A GODDAMNED BIRD. Remind us never to move there.


MSNBC

Going to Afghanistan? Stay in Luxury While Poor People Sell Crap in Your Spit Zone
Topic: World News

Despite an occupation and violence erupting sporadically across the country, Kabul, Afghanistan has welcomed its first five star hotel, The Serena. But be sure that when you book a room, you don't get one on the west side, because the entire city of Kabul only has electricity for a couple of hours a day.

Oops!

And with rooms starting at $250 and rising up to $1,200, you know you're going to be a target for those lovely rocket attacks that happen in the downtown district every week. The hotel features a swimming pool, health club, pastry shop and two restaurants where you can order whatever food you like that smells like it was cooked by a goat that had taken a shower in bacon grease. We'd prefer Costa Rica.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Election Day 2005! Not The Big One, But It IS One!
Topic: Politics

Just a reminder to everyone that today is election day across the nation! Many important gubernatorial elections are taking place today, as well as many other important issues. No major national elections, but hey, local government is important too, right?

Here in the state of Texas, we have nine proposed constitutional amendments, including the "gay marriage" proposition, which we don't even see why it's an argument. Then again, we're not homophobic idiots. The link below has the Texas list of proposed amendments to our constitution, so if you live in this state, go exercise your right to vote! If you live in a state with a governor election, good luck and hope to crap you guys don't implode.


SECRETARY OF STATE, STATE OF TEXAS

Somehow, NYC GOP Mayor Destroying Democratic Candidate One Day Before the Election
Topic: Politics

We're going to admit that we're not big fans of Michael Bloomberg. In fact, we downright loathe the fact that this man took away smoking... IN BARS... and stripping... IN STRIP CLUBS. We know that he wanted to change the veneer of the city that at the time was known more for crack and culture, but if you look at it, it doesn't matter because New Yorkers are still fucking assholes.

However, despite these rather large facts and also that NYC is %70 licensed Democrat/Jew, the Republican Bloomberg is still somehow trouncing his Democratic opponent in the polls leading up tomorrow's election. This ain't no Kerry scary shit either, ladies and gentlemen. The Associated Press is showing that despite candidate Fernando Ferrer bringing in the big guns, if Al Sharpton and Barack Obama can truly be called that, he's fallen 38% behind Bloomberg in the latest poll taken today, despite being UP to 30% last week.

Ouch. So if anyone in NYC is reading this, first, don't you eyeball my sister you sonuvabitch, and second, vote for whoever you want, because there still isn't going to be any smoking or naked strippers, and that sounds like Salt Lake City to us.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Pirates Attack Cruise Chip on the High Seas! Shocked Retirees Tell All!
Topic: World News

Pirates attacked a cruise ship off the coast of Kenya this weekend, finally proving that our parents were lying to us when they said pirates didn't exist anymore. PIRATES!

These modern day pirates took aim at the boat on Saturday afternoon with machine gun and RPG fire in a failed attempt to board the vessel and relieve the passengers of money and many pairs of sansibelt slacks. One crew member was injured by shrapnel during the attack, but no one was killed or seriously wounded. Drat.

"I tell you, it was a very frightening experience," WWII veteran Charles Supple, of Fiddletown, Calif., recalled by phone after the liner dropped anchor off Seychelles.

The retired physician and World War II veteran said said he started to take a photograph of a pirate craft, and "the man with the bazooka aimed it right at me and I saw a big flash.

"Needless to say, I dropped the camera and dived. The grenade struck two decks above and about four rooms further forward," Supple said. "I could tell the guy firing the bazooka was smiling."

Well of course he was smiling! That was probably the biggest ship he'd ever seen in his life and it was in his sights! Geez, we would've had an erection if we were that pirate, and we also wouldn't have given up that easily. All it took was for the cruise ship to go to full speed and change their course. Come on pirates, get some jet skis and follow them! You're fearsome!


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

NFL Cheerleader Shags Possible NFL Cheerleader in Nightclub Bathroom
Topic: Sports

Wheeeee! The week is off and running with news that puts a smile on our faces. Carolina Panther cheerleader Angela Ellen Keathley was arrested along with another unidentified woman after they were caught at a nightclub having sex in the women's bathroom.

Awesome start to the week. And since we're perverts and don't want to leave out a detail, we're going to use the report from Tampa Bay Online to let you know everything that happened. Here goes...

Witnesses said Keathley and the woman were having sex in a stall at Banana Joe's in Channelside about 2:10 a.m. Sunday, an arrest report states.

Club patron Melissa Holden said she and other women became angry while waiting for the restroom.

Holden said she could see the two women in the stall and heard moaning. After about 15 minutes, she said, the two women emerged. Another patron complained and then "the blonde hit me in the face," Holden said.

Holden said she grabbed that woman's arms, held them behind her back and called for security.

Haaaawwwwtttt. Drunken cheerleader on girl sex; cat fight; girl on cheerleader restraint. We're big fans of Debbie Does Dallas, but this sequel Debbie Does Ginger in the Bathroom of a Night Club in Carolina, is much better plot-wise.


MSNBC

CAROLINA PANTHER CHEERLEADERS

Andy Rooney Doesn't Know What A Blog Is; God Help Us All, He Say's While Rolling His Eyes...
Topic: National News

Andy Rooney informed the CBS News blog "Public Eye" that on Thursday that not only does he not know what a blog is, but he think they're "vastly overrated."

Our response to this is that we used to watch Andy Rooney on Sundays when we lived in East Texas with our parents and had the choice on Sunday night between six channels, but now 60 Minutes seems to take a backseat to Family Guy and The Simpsons for some reason we can't figure out. Thanks Andy. Keep curmudgeoning your way to the top.


IMDB (last item)

P.S. - And many of you may be wondering why we're posting at 9:12PM CST on a Friday night. The answer is easy; we're drunk and bored and nobody has called us because of our "drinking problem," or something like that.

CMT To Air Kinky Friedman Reality Show! You Watch Now!
Topic: Texas Politics

For all of you Kinky Friedman for Governor Fans (us included - ed.), Country Music Television is looking for you to help get Kinky's journey to the Governor's Mansion on the air, with their new reality TV show "Go Kinky." The network will air two pilot episodes next Wednesday, November 9, 2005, and if the show is picked up, will air the rest starting in January 2006.

So go find out the time that the program is on, because we can't find it and we want to watch! Because seriously, why the hell not?

EDIT: Okay, we found the times. The two episodes air 12:00AM and 12:30AM CST, so technically they're on Thursday, but we don't count that.


BREITBART

KINKY FRIEDMAN

Pennsylvania Man Sues Ex For Gluing Dick to Stomach
Topic: Embarrassment

Kenneth Slaby (interesting name, fits the "crime" - ed.) has sued his ex-girlfriend, Gaile O'Toole (okay, it's getting ridiculous now - ed.) for $30,000 for gluing his dick to his abdomen over five years ago.

After dating for 10 months in 1999, the couple broke up and went their separate ways. Slaby began dating someone else,and O'Toole turned crazy, as most women do after a breakup. Slaby accepted an invitation to come over to the woman's house, where after falling asleep, he awoke to find the nutso broad had super glued his cock 'n' balls to his stomach and used the remaining tube to fill in the crack of his ass before nail polishing naughty words on his back.

Slaby walked a mile to a gas station to use the phone and O'Toole plead guilty to misdemeanor ASSault. Funny, but mean. If she really wanted to make him miserable, she should've served him Mexican food. Can you imagine not being able to poop because your butt is glued shut? Horrid!


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Former FEMA Director Michael Brown is a Dick
Topic: Embarrassment

It's not quite as bad as appointing the President of the Arabian Horse Association as the director of FEMA, but now that ex-head Michael Brown's email has been released, it's getting worse. Here are some of the "jokes" and "comments" that Brown said in his emails as Katrina bore down on the Gulf coast.

Shortly after 7 a.m. on the morning of the storm, a FEMA public affairs official sent Brown an e-mail complimenting him on the outfit he wore during a national television briefing. In response to the e-mail, whose subject was “Re: New Orleans update,” Brown said, “I got it at Nordstroms,” then added, “Are you proud of me? Can I quit now? Can I go home?”

He also inquired about the following:

Michael Brown sent jocular e-mails to colleagues about his clothing, finding a dog-sitter and asking if he could quit.

Good guy. Great guy. Personally, we think George Bush cares about black people. But we do think that Michael Brown just doesn't care.


MSNBC

Second DeLay Judge Kicked Off Bench; This is Gonna be Bigger Than O.J.
Topic: Texas News

After having his first judge removed for reasons we don't care enough to research, the replacement judge in the Tom DeLay money laundering case was ousted from the bench today due to the $5,000+ he gave to Republican politicians. First judge Bob Perkins was removed from the trial for giving the same amount to Democratic politicians.

DeLay worries that he won't get a fair trial, even though Texas is Republican run and pretty much he could crush a kitten with his bare hands and everyone would turn the other way.

The recently removed judge, B.B. Schraub, said he will file for the Texas Supreme Court Chief Justice to decide who shall preside over the case, that way making it as impartial of a trial as possible. We have a suggestion.




AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Our Official Boycott of Subway Begins Today! No More Pepsi!
Topic: Stupidity

First you can't smoke in places that serve food, and now you only have the choice of having machine piss or diet machine piss.

Subway sandwich restaurants, in a moment of absolute retarded clarity, has finished phasing out Pepsi products from 100% of their stores and replaced them with the over sugared and painful to drink products of Coca-Cola. Subway says they did it to reduce costs, but we all know it's because they're money whores who were offered truckloads of doubloons and pirate booty to switch from Pepsi.

Well that's fine Subway. Now, instead of coming in every day and having a six inch Sweet Onion Chicken Teryaki on wheat with some Baked Lays and a Diet Pepsi, we're going to Quizno's, cause they picked up the Pepsi contract bitches!


MSNBC

Aaron Brown Out at CNN! No Good Reason Why!
Topic: Media

Veteran journalist and anchor Aaron Brown has been given the heave-ho from CNN, radically changing, yet again, the way the organization is structured. What follows is the bullshit letter from Joe Klein to CNN staffers as to why Brown has "left."

To: All CNN Staff

From: Jon Klein

We have made some programming decisions which will impact our prime time schedule as well as our colleague Aaron Brown. Aaron will be leaving CNN and is very much looking forward to some well-deserved time off with his family.

Aaron has made enormous contributions to CNN since his groundbreaking anchoring of Sept. 11th through the war in Iraq to the Tsunami to the recent hurricanes. Outside of the big stories, on a nightly basis, Aaron has provided our audiences with insight into the events of the United States and the world with eloquence and the highest journalist integrity.

Besides his stellar work as an anchor, Aaron stands as an absolutely brilliant writer, evident by the thoughtful perspective he injects into every story he touches.

Personally, I will miss Aaron and his wicked sense of humor. We cannot thank Aaron enough for the skills and professionalism he brought to CNN. Given his respect throughout the industry, there is no question that he will be missed.

No word on whether or not MSNBC has offered him a "large boat" full of money to help give them another reason to drop Chris Matthews and his annoying "speak-yell" way of talking from their lineup.


DRUDGE REPORT

P.S. - And we apologize for all the air quotes used in this piece, but we had a lot of "sarcasm" to get out.

50 Cent A Fan of the President? We Doubt It's The Other Way Around
Topic: Entertainment

Rapper/Actor 50 Cent has come forward with his disagreement with Kanye West's infamous "George Bush does not like black people" statement during a hurricane relief concert. However, 50 Cent's statements just confuse the crap out of us, proving once again that you don't have to say anything people can understand to get mentioned on this site.

"I think people responded to it the best way they can. What Kanye West was saying, I don't know where that came from. The New Orleans disaster was meant to happen. It was an act of God."

Guess we're returning to the good old days of God smiting people and bringing plagues and such. We had locusts last year. Must be the hurricane plague in '05. Next year should be rivers of blood, so fill up your bathtubs!


AP via YAHOO! NEWS