Topic: Politics
Jesus Christ, it's like Election 2004 all over again. After a little over a week of publicity whoring for their image, the Democrats got a shock today when House Republicans ordered a formal vote regarding the possibility of pulling out in Iraq. Whoops! Talk some shit and get the hammer.
It was Democrat Jack Murtha (who has been described as "hawkish" by the MSM, so you know he's crazy - ed.) who came out yesterday with a plan to remove all the troops from Iraq. Despite his criticism, many Democrats have been reluctant to back him on his well-drawn out insanity charts.
Except for John Kerry, who is still desperately trying to get people to remember who he is. As you may remember, Kerry said during the election that he supported the President and always would when it came to the invasion. But it appears not anymore. And look how he tries to tie himself to Murtha to get some extra PR.
"I won't stand for the swift-boating of Jack Murtha."
Uggggggghhhhhhhh! We're thinking of starting a petition to send to Kerry that simply says, "Dear Mr. Kerry. Shut the fuck up. We're tired of you, so shut the fuck up."
Our sources tell us that the vote will take place between 5:45 and 7:45EST, so we'll keep you informed about what it comes up with, even though we'll be properly sauced by then.
MY WAY NEWS
Posted by James
at 4:20 PM CST
Robert "Baretta" Blake has been found liable for his wife's death, proving once again that civil attorneys kick ass and prosecutors need more schooling (we're kidding, all you attorneys! jesus don't sue us... - ed.).
An Ohio woman who left 40 kittens in a park overnight because she is both insane and capable of taking care of them has been sentenced to spend the night in the same park with no light, food or shelter, as well as paying a $3,200 fine and spending 15 days in jail and 15 days under house arrest. This accounts for the maximum penalty one can receive for dumping animals in Ohio, as well as a big old "fuck you" to animal mistreators.
Read the story that came with this photo. It's work the half-ounce pressure you'll be exerting to click your mouse. Plus, we don't want to ruin some of the greatest parenting ever with the gobbledy-gook we usually write.
The town of Clark, Texas, has decided that their dignity has a price. That price? A decade of free Dish Network satellite TV. All 55 homes will receive 10 years of uninterrupted service for allowing their small town to join the ranks of other tiny hamlets across the nation that have changed their names for corporate sponsorship, such as;
A five-year-old boy in Philadelphia was found holding eight bags of horse in his pocket on October 25. Three weeks later, the police arrested his mother, probably after not finding any track marks on the boy's arm.
Fidel Castro just can't get a break. After his hilarious fall on stage last year (pee dribbled out when we saw the video. seriously. pee - ed.) which led to the "beloved" dictator breaking a few ribs and his wrist, Castro tried to turn his world image around. He volunteered Cuban medical help during Hurricane Katrina, which America refused, of course. Then he, umm, saved a puppy from a snake... or something.
The top anti-drug investigator in Guatemala and many members of his team are facing charges of conspiracy to ship cocaine to the United States, the DEA discovered after a four month investigation. Guatemala has been hit down on lately because over 75% of the coke that comes into America has to pass through the country, which appears to not only care very little, but seems to be sneaking to skim off of the top.
Researchers from Oregon State University have come to the conclusion that the hops in heavier beers, such as porters, stouts (mmm, MacKesson - ed.) and ales have cancer fighting agents that have been overlooked in previous studies. The flavonids (seriously, we didn't make that word up) contained in the hops have enzymes inside of them that kill "free radicals" which could cause cancer and a love of Che Gueverra in adults.
A woman being treated in a Kolkata, India, hospital lost one of her eyes after ants ate it, following her diabetes treatment. While screaming for help, nurses told the woman that pain would be normal after having surgery. Pain, yes. Pain with ants, no.
The Asian nation of Kazakhstan has threatened to sue comedian Sacha Baron Cohen, a.k.a. Ali G, a.k.a. Borat, the immigrant from Kazakhstan who once said, "In Kazakhstan, national pastimes are punching cows and rape," for defamation of their country.
The two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders that were arrested for allegedly having some loud sex in a nightclub's bathroom have released a statement ending perhaps one of the best news stories we've reported. Angela Keathley said that she was in the bathroom stall crying after running into an ex-boyfriend and that Renee Thomas was merely comforting her before comforting her fist into a complaining patron's face.
An Iowa woman will probably now only grind her own coffee beans after finding a dead turtle in a package of freeze dried Folgers. She has since turned over the Columbian-smelling carcass to Proctor & Gamble for testing (to see how well it filters? - ed.). 
While speaking at Hofstra University yesterday, Bill Clinton went all PR-denial crazy when Douglas Brinkley asked of his impeachment trial. What did the sex-crazed former President (who incidentally debated the meaning of the word "is" - ed.) say on the matter?
Judy Miller, the reporter jailed for 85 days for not releasing her sources during the early days of Plamegate, has retired after 28 years at the paper. Perhaps the reasons regarding her leaving were that she was going to be fired, especially after some nasty emails began to circulate from her bosses on down.