We're Gonna Slack Again; A Pre-Late Posting Warning
Topic: Housekeeping

Since we've skipped out on our normal day job and began working strictly on a "whenever they need us to swallow some balloons" basis, we're gonna be out of the office, i.e. off of the couch, until the afternoon, when normal posting will resume. And by normal, we mean sporadic. Please do not hate us, for we're entertaining you at work, while we can't be shaken from our Xbox, okay? Fight Night, Round 2 ain't gonna beat itself, people.

Late Posting Only!
Topic: Housekeeping

Sorry to do this folks, but we have an appointment today that's going to halt us from posting until later on this afternoon. It's nothing serious, but the growth has tripled in size. Did we say growth? We meant boil.

We Missed Our Own Birthday!
Topic: Housekeeping

In our rush to find other things to do rather than troll the Interweb on a daily basis to find news that interested us, we forgot that June 8, 2006, marked our two year birthday. Over 1,600 posts and we've only been shut down once, and only for a week before our jars of tears that we sent to our host finally were received and pity was granted, restoring us to our glory.

Since starting two years ago, we've amassed a large amount of support and readers, and would like to thank every one of you, especially during our server switches and transition from political site to full fledged retarded news bureau. Thanks to your patronage, we're currently reaching over 100,000 of you a month, making us a full blown success.

So thank you all, and happy belated birthday to us!

We're Out of Corn!
Topic: Housekeeping

During a three day trip through Texas, Oklahoma, Kansas and Nebraska, we saw enough corn, wheat, Indian casinos and semi-retarded drivers to last us at least for another five years.

So we've returned to our home, where we will once again commence in giving you the dumbest/most interesting news we can come up with. It's good to be home!

Nebraska Ho!
Topic: Housekeeping

We're preparing for a long drive up to Nebraska and back, which will take us the better part of three days, so there will be a break in posting during this time, mostly because corn can't be made into computers yet. A renewable fuel source, sure, but not a computer.

Peace out.

Once Again, We're Slow and Lazy
Topic: Housekeeping

Unfortunately, we weren't able to make the trip across the apartment to the computer to look up some stupid stories and send them out over the web for you. Mostly because we weren't anywhere near a computer, and since farmers have yet to figure out how to create one out of oats and concrete mix, we were SOL.

Promise we'll be back tomorrow. Watch the NBA Eastern Conference Finals tonight! Miami could put away Detroit and we'd laugh our sick little asses off.

Hooray For Summer!
Topic: Housekeeping

Okay people, get your swimsuit and drunk hats out, because summer is officially here this weekend! And even though we in Texas moved seamlessly from winter to summer, it's finally for real, so now we can finally begin to complain without people labeling us as pussies.

So enjoy yourselves responsibly and be happy to know that you're only one beer away from falling off of a boat and grabbing some drunk college girl's top on the way into the lake. Oh wait, that's our plans for the weekend. Eh.

Whatever you do, be safe, and we'll see you Tuesday!

Apologies All Around!
Topic: Housekeeping

Sorry guys! We've been a little distracted the past couple of days, so the posting has been non-existent. Hopefully we'll get back into it tomorrow, but if not, then everyone be safe on Memorial Day Weekend and don't drink and drive! Take a cab and make him take you to Whataburger, like we did last night. Granted, we had to buy him a burger, but still...

No Posting Today
Topic: Housekeeping

Don't ask why. It just ain't gonna happen.

Mother's Day! Your Weekend To Do Guide
Topic: Housekeeping

What is there to do this weekend in this wonderfully dimwitted country of ours? Let's take a look to see how we can get you off the couch and spending some money for the good of our economy.

NBA PLAYOFFS - Tonight and on Saturday only, and don't go out and get drunk that night either, mister. You've got the Suns/Clippers at 10:80 tonight after the Nets/Cavs. Tomorrow sees the Mavs/Spurs and Pistons/Heat. Good games all around... except for the Pistons/Heat. That's like watching the Harlem Globetrotters play a team of kiddy pool-bound manatees.

MOTHER'S DAY - Celebrate your explosion from your mother's loins and the years of wine-dependent misery you brought upon her with a box of chocolates. Because she already knows you lost your salary on the Pistons/Heat game because you thought the Heat could beat the spread. Don't worry. She cleaned up your shit for years. She'll loan you twenty bucks for gas money.

TATTOOS FOR EVERYONE! - Get a "Mom" tattoo in celebration. Regret it the next day.

Scotland, And Its Many Pubs, Awaits Us!
Topic: Housekeeping

We have never taken a vacation since getting out of college. Not once. A day at Christmas and Thanksgiving perhaps, but not a real honest to goodness vacation. Now that we move into our late 20s at the end of this week, we figured it would be a good time to visit the merry old country of Scotland and take in the cool air, green fields, castles, smoke and ale.

We will see you folks when we get back, and keep the place warm for us. Scotland is free!

A New Day in Heart of Darko History
Topic: Housekeeping

Yes, we have officially broken into a new day and are using Qumana, as you can see below, to assist with our post editing. Instead of using Tripod's semi-outdated (okay, very outdated - ed.) interface, we get to use a browser that looks like Microsoft Word, which helps those of us who usually just bang on a set of keys until the right things come out, like one of Shakespeare's monkeys.

So now we will be able to do greater ad support, make more money, and hopefully recoup our hosting costs. That and it's going to make it easier to post remotely and from multiple computers and such.

So bear with us if any problems arrive, and maybe you might see an extra sponsor or two, but that's because Qads is helping with our sponsorship issues. If you would like to be a sponsor, we not have the capability to get this done, so just let us know. We're cheap and popular.

Powered by Qumana

We're Back! And Continental Airlines SUCKS
Topic: Housekeeping

After a semi-enjoyable work trip to West Palm Beach, Fla., we've returned to Texas where we soon realized it was hotter than two rats humping in a wool sock as soon as we stepped outside of the terminal. The following story is in regard to why Continental is the worst airline we have ever traveled on. A time line is included to show why our anger level rose so high.

2:00AM EST: We arrive back in the Hampton Inn in Wellington, Fla., which is an incredibly nice establishment. Brand new, lots of horse paintings, and the world's weirdest statue garden outside of the window that made it appear that the hotel was being attacked by giant ants and headless dogs that have been speared by twelve foot poles. Then the time changes to 3:00AM. Goddamn daylight savings time.

3:30AM EST: After packing and down two beers, we fall sleep.

4:30AM EST: The bastard alarm wakes us up and we groggily get up, down a bottle of water and head downstairs, leaving our toiletries in the bathroom because of our one hour of sleep.

5:30AM EST: After dropping off the rental car, we load on the bus and head to the terminal.

6:30AM EST: The plane loads on time and everything is set to go. Airport security wasn't bad and there was an entire team of hot college chicks on the flight sitting around us who complimented us on our Chuck Taylors. Not a bad start to a trip.

8:32AM CST: We arrive in Houston and bust ass across the airport because our connecting flight on Continental Express leaves at 9:15AM.

Here's where things go shitwire.

8:45AM CST: The airline says there is a mechanical problem and they need thirty minutes to fix it, pushing back our departure time. We say okay and go find some yogurt.

9:15AM CST: The airline says they need thirty more minutes. Perturbed, but fine with that, we sit down.

9:45AM CST: Our flight changes gates. We take off before they decide to leave without us.

10:15AM CST: It didn't really change gates. They screwed up. The bald fatty at the original gate responds to our inquiry about the status of our flight with the following response: "It's ready when it's ready." We get pissed at the rudeness.

10:30AM CST: They announce another 30 minute delay because they don't have a part to fix... the wing. By the way, this is when we were supposed to originally land in Dallas. Bitches.

10:35AM CST: We head to the ticket counter to see if we can switch to a different flight, since two more flights for Dallas have already taken off. These flights were supposed to have departed after ours. The woman behind the ticket counter rudely tells us that if we want to get to Dallas faster, we should rent a car. We spit our some four letter words in a rather obnoxious tone and storm off to vent to our mother.

11:00AM CST: The airline announces that we'll be boarding soon. Rather than keeping four other flights an extra fifteen minutes, they make us wait for 30 more and load them first. Our anger grows.

11:30AM CST: We board the plane next to a nice young woman who's boyfriend has just departed for Iraq. She has the cutest son in the world who we tickle throughout the flight. Her kid loves us. The flight is delayed in departure by twenty minutes because they have a mechanical problem on the new plane.

12:30PM CST: Homeland security tells our pilot that our plane was too high in the air during descent and we have to circle for fifteen minutes while they get new clearance. Bitches.

12:45PM CST: We land, pick up our bags, and realize that our lighter has no fluid. No on-the-way-home smoke for us. It's approximately 100 degrees in the parking garage. We also pay $112 to get our car out of the airport. Bitches.

1:15PM CST: We get home, three hours later than we were supposed to have because Continental Airlines has the rudest, most incompetent employees on the face of the Earth.

This airline sucks. Not only did they not even come close to getting our flight in on time, but they didn't care, were very impatient and rude with us, and then made jokes about it in flight. Fuck Continental Express. It is now our life's work to take away every single one of their customers that we possibly can.

But we're home now and about to go to sleep, with visions of an angry bitch-slapping of every Continental employee dancing through our heads.

CLIFF NOTES VERSION: Continental Airlines royally screwed our flight home. They should change their name to Fuckstick Airlines. We've had one hour of sleep in 48 hours and are going to bed. Good night, and see you tomorrow afternoon.

We're Off to the Land of Old People and Baseball-sized Mosquitos
Topic: Housekeeping

Good morning dear children. We have a confession to make: this is not our only job. No, in fact, we're leaving tomorrow morning at 3:30 a.m. to travel to the land of old people and limited Internet access known as Florida, where we will be working 18 hour days in the hope that we continue to receive a paycheck.

Be back next Monday. Until then, please visit our fine links to the left for all of your information and entertainment needs, and we'll see you next Monday.

Arterial Blockage: Heart of Darko Housekeeping
Topic: Housekeeping

We can't imagine what the hell is going on with the site this morning, but whatever it is, trying to get it to load is akin to attempting to push five pounds of sausage through a keyhole. Hopefully we'll have it fixed soon and will be able to post something. If not, we'll be breaking a computer down and shooting a hard drive.

Bear with us, or go fight a bear.

Your HoD Weekend To-Do Guide
Topic: Housekeeping

FRIDAY: Drink up bitches, it's Saint Patrick's Day! Even though everything that happens on Saint Patrick's Day, the drinking, the booze, the lipstick lesbians, would have been frowned upon by Saint Patrick. But who cares, he's dead, right? Green beer is calling.

NCAA Tournament action has begun! March Madness, if you will. So check your brackets (ours are fucked already - ed.) and get your college hoops on. Green beer goes well with this. And cheer for Texas A&M, who has already beaten Syracuse and shut up the doubters.

SATURDAY: Hang overs. Hang overs across the world.

But you have to get up and drink the remaining green beer because NCAA hoops action continues with A&M beating the crap out of LSU at 12:10PM tomorrow. Then you can continue to mull over why you possibly chose Winthrop to beat Tennessee in the first round because that was the dumbest thing you could've done.

SUNDAY: Hibernate and nurse your hangover. Revel in the fact that you remember nothing of your weekend and spend your last few free hours in complete misery before returning to the salt mines in a few short hours for another week of hell on Earth.

Heart of Darko Blockage! Delayed Posting!
Topic: Housekeeping

We're going to be running some routine maintenance (i.e. pulling a dead raccoon out of the server with a broom handle - ed.) this morning, so posting will be delayed until we can get him and his fur coat out of our processor. See you back here this afternoon.

Heart of Darko Has Heart Disease
Topic: Housekeeping

Not really, but we've been pretty horrendously sick since Saturday night, so needless to say, you might have to go elsewhere for your daily dose of idiocy. Hopefully we'll be back up and running tomorrow, because if not, we're gonna jump out the goddamn window.

Our Real Job Calls; Be Back Monday
Topic: Housekeeping

Due to an unexpected case of having to work, we won't be able to post today since we'll be away from a computer for the rest of Friday. But have no fail. We'll be back Monday to try and ruin your week with lots of bad news and idiotic commentary that have all the wit and wisdom of flung monkey poop.

So everyone have a safe weekend and remember to watch the Olympic games, because without your viewer ship, they might not survive!

What's that you say? They've been around for thousands of years? Oh. Screw it then. Watch Law & Order.

The Exhaustion Game
Topic: Housekeeping

We're sick and exhausted. Deal with us on this and you'll have a friend for life. Blow us off and spend the rest of your days as a eunuch.