We're Back! The Hangover Begins
Topic: Housekeeping

Well, here we are, back again to our home. Unless you live there, staying over one week in Scottsdale, Arizona is a long time to be in a weird place.

That said, we had a blast. Hope you checked out the coverage on Jalopnik or on SPEED Channel. We didn't make it on the tube this time, but we did lose about 14 pounds running from place to place in an event that encompassed something like five square miles. Good shit.

The Jalopnik coverage is here. This gives us the chance to say thanks to Mike and Davey over there for giving us the chance to give them some content. After all, they have provided us with hours of a way to blow off work. And thanks to Justin Compton at SPEED for the sweet swag and four SPEED chicks that we could leer at through the media center's tinted windows. Whoops. Did we say leer? We meant stare at longingly.

Thanks guys, and it's good to be back!

Ha Ha! We're Back!
Topic: Housekeeping

Well, after a brief hiatus, during which time Tripod declined to even speak with us about our deletion, we learned that it's pretty boring to not be able to make fun of stupid shit. To recap though, we never received an exact reason why we were shut down, other than complaints were made.

We respond with this all purpose line to anyone who would like to bitch to our hosting service about anything that is read here:

DON'T COME BACK IF YOU DON'T LIKE WHAT YOU READ.

It's that simple. Got a problem? Go away. Don't care about genetically engineered green fluorescent pigs? Piss off. We don't need your brand of stupid here anyway. We're all full up.

Good to be back.

Happy 2006!
Topic: Housekeeping

The suck that has been 2005 is finally coming to a close, bringing with it another 365 days of the suck. So be safe in celebrating in your own manner, be it liquored up and earning the nickname "Mr. Grabbyhands" or perhaps beating hobos at the bus station.

But whatever it is, hope you have fun and are safe in doing so. Taxis are your friends, and yes, they work during the holidays, so there's no excuse for you to drive.

And before you ask what we'll be up to, we have a long weekend planned of opening a gallon jug of Carl Rossi chianti and getting bombed while watching Mystery! on PBS. Because we are, in fact, the most exciting fuckers in the city of Dallas.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Bypass Surgery! Heart of Darko Housekeeping
Topic: Housekeeping

We've tried multiple times to type something overly witty and charming here that would make you giggle with delight to the point of passing out. But our servers hate us, so we've got some problems going on. Hopefully they'll be resolved soon, because if not, the only way to get our brand of "reporting" is to slam your face in your television screen over and over, and that can get blood all over the glass, so we don't recommend it.

Happy Festivus and All the Rest!
Topic: Housekeeping

We're outta here for the holidays. Well, at least until Tuesday, December 27, when we step out of the bathtub, turn on the lights and wear something other than a robe all day. The egg will be nogged and our lungs will be blackened with the constant inhalation of the Christmas spirit. Or American Spirits. It depends on how much we spend on booze.

So remember the holiday schedule and you'll be fine. December 23 is Festivus, December 25 Christmas of course. And that's pretty much all that matters. And remember, if your holidays are going badly, they could always use more racism.

Happy Festivus! It's Time to Get the Pole Out of the Crawlspace!
Topic: Housekeeping

With Bill O'reilly and Jon Stewart going head to head in the "War on Christmas" debate, we turn to the legendary Frank Costanza, founder of the greatest holiday of them all: Festivus.

You don't know of Festivus? The hell you say! Let us write of its origins, somewhere in the land of Sears...

Frank: Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way.

Kramer: What happened to the doll?

Frank: It was destroyed. But out of that a new holiday was born . . . a Festivus for the rest of us!

So pull the aluminum pole out of the crawlspace and prepare of the Airing of Grievances, because Festivus is only one day away! So Happy Festivus, and for more information on our editorial staff's chosen holiday celebration, the link to an excellent page describing all the traditions resides at the bottom of this page.


A FESTIVUS FOR THE REST OF US

We're Outta Here! Happy Thanksgiving!
Topic: Housekeeping

Well everybody, we're out of here. Gotta go and cram a bottle of Wild Turkey up a chicken's ass and hope no one notices the difference. And that's what we call "brining the bird."

So everybody be safe and don't drink and drive. That's why we have public transportation. Or if you want to drive, go rent some go-karts and then go drink and drive. At least if you flip those, you'll just get kicked out. Trust us, we know.

See you on Monday.

James

Our Servers Are French
Topic: Housekeeping

We apologize for lack of posting today, but our servers must be French, since they stopped working earlier today and still seem to be complaining about doing any work whatsoever. As soon as the German mechanic invades the offices and kicks the Frogs into action, we got nothing. Sorry all.

We Hate Computers, and Other Angered Musings
Topic: Housekeeping

Seriously, computers blow. We're having server issues and have not been able to log in for the better part of the day. Since our server is currently located in Melbourne, Australia, there isn't much we can do from here until our messages are returned in the morning. Therefore, we're going to be backing off and hoping that the pygmies in the machine tire from eating our little space on the net and move on to somebody else.

PYGMIES!

We Hate Computers, and Other Angered Musings
Topic: Housekeeping

Seriously, computers blow. We're having server issues and have not been able to log in for the better part of the day. Since our server is currently located in Melbourne, Australia, there isn't much we can do from here until our messages are returned in the morning. Therefore, we're going to be backing off and hoping that the pygmies in the machine tire from eating our little space on the net and move on to somebody else.

PYGMIES!

Bypass Surgery! Heart of Darko Housekeeping!
Topic: Housekeeping

In keeping with our new format, we have had to lie to you about our lack of posting. We wanted to surprise you with the goodness that is the new coloration (which will be tweaked - ed.), the new logo (which does kick ass) and our new topics (some of which suck).

So shoot us some feedback and let us know if you like it or not. It's growing on us, and hopefully in a little more time (another year and a half - ed.), we'll get it to where we like it.

Housekeeping! Allergies Keep Us Down
Topic: Housekeeping

We're very sorry that you have not gotten your daily fill of stupid from us today, but we're currently battling a rough bout of a cold and allergies that have combined to punch us in the groin, throat, head and liver multiple times. We're down! Oh what an ending!

Housekeeping! Escaping the Invading Football Fans
Topic: Housekeeping

Because of the descent of thousands of drunken idiot UT and OU football fans invading our small slice of hell that is downtown Dallas this weekend for the 100th annual Red River Shootout, we're getting the crap out of here early today without a single story posted so that we may stock up on ammunition and beer while we still have some time.

So everyone have a safe weekend, and stay away from Dallas. Especially if you come in our neighborhood, because we'll shoot a mofo just for looking lost.

Peace and Rain
Topic: Housekeeping

Hope everybody out there has a great weekend. We're out of here until Monday, caring for our Hurricane Rita evacuees and drinking massive quantities of Schlitz. Next week we'll have the entire recap of the hurricane, including our experience. Perhaps we'll even live blog the thing on Sunday, but that would take time out of our football watching, so who knows? See you next week!

We Suck; Hopefully Not Tomorrow
Topic: Housekeeping

Our server is a violent bitch with razor blades in her genital area and a temper that would impress a drunken French sailor. It spews hatred at us and laughs as we cry in vain, attempting to log in hour after hour. Calls to her parents are unanswered, and still we return, like a lost frat boy attempting to sleep with a cheerleader.

As the day wears on, she gives us hints that she loves us again as she allows us to log in, only to throw up errors as we try to complete the ritual. We hate her... and now we have her address. There will be a long talk tonight, and hopefully tomorrow she will show up, a reformed woman, changed to the ways of a lady.

We actually wrote this message hours ago, but were unable to post it. It is currently 11:34 a.m. in Dallas, and we have put this message on a loop until it successfully posts. If this never happens, call someone, because this crazy bitch probably killed us.

Cheers

Bypass Surgery; Heart of Darko Housekeeping
Topic: Housekeeping

Wheeeeeeeee! Our server sucks! We apologize! Ads make it crash! Typing the letter "E" too many times makes it crash! We're about to fly to Australia and throw it out the window and make it crash! RAWR!

We have escaped!
Topic: Housekeeping

Huzzah! We will throw off the shackles of our oppressors and run wild into the streets, screaming the names of all those who dare to halt our march towards freedom and a chilled bottle of Tito's vodka! And we will drink that vodka mixed with Crush orange soda, while sitting in a bathtub and chain-smoking Parliament full flavors until next Tuesday, because we are on vacation.

Oh yes, despite rumors of our escape, this is the first time it is true. In nearly two years in the same office, with no refuge except for the occasional glance out the window before being smacked across the back with a cat o' nine tails, we are escaping.

The hole is dug, my friends! The captors are looking the other way! Onward to freedom we run! We will return next Tuesday!

Bypass Surgery; Heart of Darko Housekeeping
Topic: Housekeeping

Sorry for the server problems today ladies and gentlemen. During our switchover to a new host, we're going to continue to lose the ability to update or be viewed from time to time. It was an accident and we profusely apologize for it, and if you have a problem with that, you can shove it up your ass because we're trying!

THIS IS NOT EASY YOU BIG JERK! JESUS CHRIST!

Whew. Okay, we're good. Thanks for continuing to read, and hopefully everything will be copasetic once we get off this crappy temp server.

Bypass Surgery! Heart of Darko Housekeeping
Topic: Housekeeping

We're oh so sorry for keeping you from your appointed rounds of stupidity that we normally engage in the early morning hours of Mondays. Due to conflicts not under our control (i.e. not being near a computer), we were unable to post random moments of idiocy as we have in the past.

But oh we have changed, dear readers! We have returned from the damnation of 100 degree wool saunas (don't ask) and even hotter car engines! The news will be told, in a way that can only be described as completely retarded. Stay tuned!

Bypass Surgery; Heart of Darko Housekeeping
Topic: Housekeeping

We're officially on life support. Only every now and then are we able to log on to update and our ad software at the top of the page is KILLING our upload times. Hopefully the server issues will be fixed and we will cease to get errors all over the page when loading.

Until then, we can't do much posting because most of it won't be received by the server anyway. Check back routinely, because we might be able to get something working. Until Melbourne IT gets their shit together, consider us hibernating.