Today in Drunks; A Heart of Darko Salute to Alcoholics
Topic: Stupidity

A 40-year-old Scottsdale man was found at his home with a whopping .345 blood alcohol concentration after he passed out and his 5-year-old daughter called 911. Alcohol experts (how exactly does one attain this job? - ed.) said that with this level of drink in his system, the effects were close to those of surgical anesthesia.

After coming to from his near coma amount of alcohol intake, the man might face criminal child endangerment charges, even though we find it interesting you can be charged with being TOO drunk in your own home. Granted, the only food in the house was bread and peanut butter.

But the police should be looking towards his ex-wife, who dropped their daughter off before going to Hawaii for a vacation. Of course, we can't blame her either. After spending some significantly long weeks in Scottsdale, we'd either leave for a much better place or drink ourselves into a coma too.


AZCENTRAL

Winter Olympics 2006; A Grand and Awful Ending
Topic: Sports

Torino was a wonderful host city to athletes from across the world. They kept their bars open late for drunkards like Bode Miller and gave out large baskets of free Olympic-themed condoms (note to porn industry; why no Olympic pornos? that's a huge international audience you're missing. we call dibs! if you make one, it was our idea and we want royalties! - ed.).

But just as the oddly surreal opening ceremonies kicked off the weird stories of the following two weeks, the closing ceremonies ended in a loud thud. Designed to be more high energy, by herding the athletes in and out quickly and getting to the performances of the international acts.

Somehow, though, in between the dudes with their heads on fire, the Vancouver mayor waving the flag from his wheel chair (awesome, by the way - ed.) and the hundreds of Nordic chicks with torches, we found the ceremonies incredibly boring. Then Avril Lavigne came on board to warble and cause us to almost drink a bullet cocktail.

Terrible performances. Just... ugh. Ricky Martin? Did Mexico even have a Winter Olympics team? We never even made it through to the end. After watching probably 70% of the coverage shown, including the replays of the hockey games from the middle of the day, we couldn't face the closing ceremonies all the way through. It was goddamn painful. Hopefully Vancouver will realize this in 2010, and instead of having awful musical acts while dudes with fire ponytails short track skate in circles, Canada will get some of its native born daughters like Pamela Anderson and Elisha Cuthbert to wrestle each other in frigid water for three hours. Now that we would watch.

Adios Olympic games. See you in Beijing in 2008.

Ford Motor Company Proves One Way to Get Cheaper Labor; Torture Union Bosses
Topic: Cars/Automotive

Just, wow. Ford Motor Company is being sued by Argentinian labor officials for kidnapping and torture today. The officials claimed that during the country's "Dirty War" period of 1976 - 1983, they were taken from their homes, beaten and electrically shocked during the then-dictatorship's "cleansing" of hostiles and dissidents.

Ford has been mute on the point, but now that they're being sued in a civil for assisting with the kidnappings of the union officials, it could come to bite them even more in the ass when they should be capitalizing on GM turning into a walking pile of shit.

Mercedes was also involved with kidnapped employees during this time, and even though 15 of the 18 were never found, they're not mentioned anywhere in the suit. And people wonder why we bought a Subaru...


CNN MONEY via JALOPNIK

One More Roach-Related Reason We Don't Eat at Domino's Pizza
Topic: National News

Because the founder is planning on building a town where you MUST be Catholic to live. That's right. Tom Monaghan, Mr. Domino's Pizza himself, is building his own town in Florida called Ave Maria which will ban abortion, contraceptives, porn and of course, Jews.

We'll let you read the article for yourselves, because the more we think about this, the more we want to start a fourth Crusade against this shit-bomb of holiness. Seriously, we can't wait for the first hurricane to wipe this place off the map, because then we can point and laugh while calling it an act of God.


THE TIMES

P.S. - Wouldn't God be angry at this guy anyway? He created a character in the late 1980s that bore false idol to millions of Americans? "Avoid the Noid?" Are we the only ones remembering this? He had his own goddamn videogame! This town is getting plunged straight into the fourth level of hell...

Fake Writer Watch Continues! Da Vinci Code Da Fake?
Topic: Embarrassment

Dan Brown is thought of as a literary genius, a god among writers and a man who seems to have taken some ideas from before. D'oh!

Two English authors are now claiming that Brown stole source material and ideas from their 1982 book The Holy Blood and the Holy Grail. While Random House says whatever, they are the publisher of both books, which makes this story of fake writer ship even more interesting.

We're not going to ruin Brown's book (or the upcoming movie - ed.) by giving away the plot, but we will say that the plot of Holy Blood involved Jesus marrying Mary Madeline and having a child from which the bloodline continues today. The Da Vinci Code pretty much says the same.

“In brief, the complaint appears to be that ’The Holy Blood and the Holy Grail’ discloses the idea that Jesus was married to Mary Magdalene, that they had children which survived and married into a line of French kings, that the lineage continues today, and that there is a secret society based in France which has the objective of restoring this lineage to the thrones not only of France but to the thrones of other European nations as well, and that (‘The Da Vinci Code’) uses some of this idea,” the plaintiffs' attorney said.

We guess that the authors are just looking for more money, but since their book has sold 36 million copies since its release, we don't see why. Unless they have a dime a week coke and hooker habit, but in that case, they could just make up some shit, call it a memoir, and go by the name James Frey. Sorry, we're still bitter about that.


MSNBC

DON KNOTTS LEAVES US!
Topic: Entertainment

A sad day for those of us who appreciate good physical comedy and The Andy Rooney Show. Don Knotts, or "Barney Fife" has passed away today at 81.

We'll miss you Don! Thanks for all the laughs!

:crying:

Don't Trust H&R Block to Do Your Taxes!
Topic: National News

Every year, millions of Americans turn to Turbo Tax or H&R Block to file their federal income tax with the IRS. Because they have professional accountants working on their taxes, they are certain everything will be completed in a timely fashion and 100% correct.

Well, you might want to look somewhere else, because H&R Block misfiled their taxes last year and, in an accounting error, the nation's largest preparer of income tax reports owes the federal government $32 million in unpaid back taxes.

Say it with us. Ouch.


MSNBC

2006 Olympic Watch! Back From the Grave
Topic: Sports

Curling, the combination of janitorial services, shuffleboard and horseshoes that is taking the winter Olympics by storm, is probably one of the greatest, most ridiculous sports in the world. But damned if the Scandinavian folks in the north part of the United States didn't take it seriously.

And the U.S. men's team just won bronze, beating out Britain 8-6. Just wanted to pass that along, since you never see curling in prime time, because the half naked pixies are just too damn provocative on the ice. Okay, seriously, maybe one more figure skating mention will come out of us. The exhibition is tonight, so after that, it's all done and we can go back to lusting over inappropriately aged actresses.

Congratulations American Curling Team! You swept your rocks into our hearts! Or something.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

2006 Olympic Watch! The End is Near...
Topic: Sports

We have a mere two days of games remaining before the Olympic flame is extinguished again for another four years. Now we get what you're saying: "James, what the hell do you mean? The summer Olympics will be held in 2008, right?"

That's right, but you're stupid and the summer games suck when compared to the winter games, so shut your stupid hole. Okay, they're not that bad, but they don't have half naked tiny 22-year-old girls throwing their hot selves around an ice rink for our viewing pleasure, so they'll never even come close to being as kick ass as the Winter Olympics.

Now look away if you don't want to see one of tonight's results that just occurred:

SASHA COHEN YOU BROKE OUR HEART!

Our fragile, fragile heart! How could you fall? TWICE? You're the "Sexy Gypsy!" You're better than that. But you got the Silver medal. Congratulations. You're adorable, have the flexibility of Gumby and are just a hair less gorgeous than ice skating teammate Tanith Belben. We'll let it slide, only because you got beaten by the Japanese.

Which allows us to say congratulations to the Japanese, who with the Gold medal in figure skating finally got their first medal of the 2006 Winter Olympics. Yeah. Wow.

So figure skating is done for the Olympics. America got two medals; one in Ice Dancing and one in Women's Individual. Johnny Weir flamed it up and then blew out (i can't tell whether that's a double entendre or not. good show sir! - ed. and thank you. i try.). The USA Pairs team SUCKED. Our two teenage girls got sixth and seventh, so jolly good for them. You can see them jail bait it up tonight on NBC.


NBC OLYMPICS

P.S. - And yes, we're aware we just said we watched figure skating. But think about it: hot, young, white girl ass flying through the air in flesh-colored tunics contorting their bodies in ways that make porn stars jealous. That's what we thought. Shut up.

James Frey Loses Book Deal; Will Only Be "Rich" and Not "Mega-Rich" for Rest of His Life
Topic: Embarrassment

After many weeks of fake memoirist James Frey popping in and out of this web site, we're happy to report that our favorite "memoirist" has lost his book deal, and the seven figures it would bring him. Now, he'll just have to live off of the remaining megabucks that his book sales are bringing him as they rise above 3 million.

Seriously folks, don't you get it? He made it up. It's not real. STOP BUYING IT. Even Warners looks like they're going to shelve the movie. If the book isn't real enough to get made into a shitty movie, then you should probably stay away from it. And if you are currently reading it, throw it away. Trust me, you'll get more satisfaction.


NY POST via GAWKER

Brutalize an Animal for Your Holiday Pleasure
Topic: Stupidity

As fish owners, we know pretty much nothing about the species of fish called African Cichlids. We've actually never heard of the red parrot cichlid, which apparently was created by breeding and, as a result, is completely infertile. The fish exists because humans create it.

Now, some Hong Kong's Aquaria Mall has decided to torture this tiny fish even more by laser tattooing greetings on the scales of its body. While the company swears the low intensity lasers don't pass through the fishies' scales, the laser burn is permanent.

"Firstly, we need to select the appropriate fish and use only low intensity laser beams. We only engrave on the fishes' scales, not through them. We also had concerns over the possibility of animal abuse, but to date the mortality rate has been zero. The fishes don't even bleed", spokesman Alan Lee said.

So there you have it. Grandmother sick? Get her a "Get Well Soon" abused fish. And nothing says "Happy Birthday, Sis," like a laser etched sterile fish.


SPLOID

South Dakota Kills Roe vs. Wade, Not Babies!
Topic: National News

South Dakota officially became the first state to ban abortion, putting an end to the gambling on which state would effectively challenge the 1973 decision Roe vs. Wade. Now it's pretty much impossible to get an abortion anywhere in the state. Word on the street is that coat hangers will soon be banned too.

So now all of you SD sluts will have to take your soiled vaginas somewhere else to have your unwanted fetus vacuumed out. We recommend North Dakota. It's close by, and you can get laid after you're done crying into your Sex on the Beach.

But seriously, this is ridiculous. In 1992, the law was upheld in Planned Parenthood vs. Casey, and it will probably be upheld here. Why? Because Americans like to hump, and nothing is going to change that. Condoms, morning after pills, etc. You can't take away our last line of defense. We might have to start a family!


REUTERS via YAHOO! NEWS

Team of British Bank Robbers Ganks $40+ Million in One Night
Topic: World News

A team of armed bank robbers broke into an English security facility and made off with upwards of $69 million in currency. The way they pulled off the heist sounds like it could be from a movie. Shit, what are we saying? It is a movie. Well, two movies.

Firewall, starring Indiana Jones, and Heat, starring Al "The Screamer" Pacino.

A team of robbers dressed as police and stopped the manager on his way home from work. He was convinced there had been an accident at his home and easily went along with the men. At home, his wife and son were told that their husband/father was at the hospital, bringing them in immediately as well. Both teams of robbers met up at a white van, where they held the family hostage until the manager let them inside the cash station.

After tying up 15 employees and spending more than an hour loading a massive white truck, the thieves escaped. No gunfire, no nothing. Just regular kidnap and theft.

Just like the British. Gotta be boring, even when you're committing a huge crime.


MSNBC

Eight Nebraska Meatpackers Are the Luckiest People Alive; Sprint PCS Sucks
Topic: National News

Remember those tense days where no one knew who won the Powerball $365 million lottery off of a single ticket? They're over, and now we have images of the people we would like to kill.

Eight Nebraska workers from a meatpacking plant shared the ticket and each received $72 million in a ceremony in Lincoln. However, each idiot chose the cash option on their check and will only get about $15.5 million after taxes. We understand that we sound foolish saying that choosing $15.5 million in a lump sum sounds stupid, but had they chosen the 30 year payouts, they would have gotten $36 million.

The names of the lucky winners are Robert Stewart, Alain Maboussou, Dung Tran, Eric Zornes, David Gehle, Michael Terpstra, Quang Dao and Chasity Rutjens. So if any of these people owe you money, don't act now. They still have to find a bank big enough to cash their over sized novelty checks, and then you can hit them. We're going to wait a week, because we once lent a guy named Dung $300 back in the day. Now he's screwed. Of course, lesson of the day is never to loan money to a man named "Dung."


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

P.S. - The Sprint PCS reference in the headline is due to our anger over the pig-fuckers charging us for downloads we never made to a phone we don't even own and telling us that there's nothing they can do about it. $365 million is pretty much the same total as our current phone bill.

P.P.S. - Cliff Notes version: Sprint PCS sucks. If you have their service, dump them.

Lego Brokeback Mountain Arrives!
Topic: Entertainment

We know that we've already posted some dumb crap about perennial gay-friendly Hollywood favorite Brokeback Mountain, but the more H-wood tries to force their hypocritical shit down our throats, the more we're going to make fun of them. Now that Brokeback seems to be faltering a bit before the Academy Awards ("hmm, maybe America realized that the movie was just okay, not great, and not really groundbreaking. oh no!"), it's a good time to release more mockery.

For that we turn to Daniel Brown and his Lego Brokeback Mountain. Don't worry; it doesn't spoil the mediocrity that is the second half of the movie. The condensed version is displayed here, but drop on over to SmugMug to check out the full size images and captions. And the Lego sheep rule. Good job Daniel!


SMUG MUG

Fake Writers Continue to Profit; Ask Your Mom, She Knows This One
Topic: Embarrassment

While thrillers/mysteries are one of the largest segment of the publishing industry, it must be difficult to continue to come up with fresh ideas every time you snort through your most recent advance.

And the truth is that it is. Ask Mary Higgins Clark, whom, in case you're wondering, has been keeping your mother entertained with her bedtime stories for years. It seems that Clark has been hard up for ideas and, whoops, might have stolen a bit of the plot from Israeli writer Dalia Gal's screenplay that circulated widely through Hollywood while Clark was writing her 2003 thriller "The Second Time Around."

The infringement suit that Gal filed against Clark noted that the plots both revolve around "a single female journalist's investigation of an elaborate conspiracy plot between two rival pharmaceutical companies to create a miracle drug, [and] a scientist working on the miracle drug [who] disappears," while the scientist's "wife is having a secret relationship with the head of the rival pharmaceutical corporation, and plays a role in the conspiracy against her husband."

Clark responded with this:

"Before this lawsuit was filed, I had never heard of Ms. Gal and certainly never saw her screenplay. Her allegations are blatant nonsense and patently untrue."

So if there are any mothers/librarians out there who have read Clark's novel, please let us know if this truly is the plot of the story because, quite frankly, it sounds kind of interesting.


NEW YORK DAILY NEWS

Bush Gettin' Pissed Over Port Deal
Topic: Politics

By now, everyone has heard about the port deal President Bush made with an Arab owned company to handle all daily operations. The Cliff Notes version of the story is that people that claim to be pillars of the tolerance and acceptance community are now freaking out because Bush, oh my God, is letting an Arab country run our ports and, oh my God, terrorist threats are now coming from... Arabs. Hypocrites.

Then again, even some of the most staunch Bush supporters are up in arms, a la Bill Frist.

"The decision to finalize this deal should be put on hold until the administration conducts a more extensive review of this matter," said Frist, R-Tenn. "If the administration cannot delay this process, I plan on introducing legislation to ensure that the deal is placed on hold until this decision gets a more thorough review."

Ooh, Frister's gettin' some nuts on him. Mr. President, your response?

"They ought to listen to what I have to say about this. They'll look at the facts and understand the consequences of what they're going to do," President Bush said. "But if they pass a law, I'll deal with it with a veto."

OH SNAP!

You just got rocked son. Bush hasn't used his veto power in five years. Don't screw with the President Frist. You'll get your ass twisted.

But the dogs are getting yippy. Republican Senator Susan Collins and Democratic Representative Jane Harman are going to issue a "joint resolution of disapproval" when they get back to the Capital next week. First... what the shit is a "joint resolution of disapproval" and can it stop anything? No, right? Then who cares. And second, when you get back to the Capital next week? God we love it when our lawmakers love our country.

"Look, I know this is pretty important, but I haven't finished the new Harry Potter yet, so it can wait."

But we're not gonna lie: Bush has been wrong about a lot of things. So what we're gonna do is sit back and wait for the sub-committees to talk it over and then spout their biased opinion about the topic back at us. Because as of now, we really don't think it's that big of a deal. The Coast Guard is in charge of security at those ports, not the company, right? Right. So let our military handle it.


ASSOCIATED PRESS

If Only He Had Used Charmin Ultra, He Would Still Be Alive
Topic: National News

Those goddamn animated crapping bears on the Charmin TV commercials have taught us something other than if we ever see a bear using toilet paper, we should instantly run inside the nearest structure. They have also taught us that you can get more use out of Charmin Ultra because of some reason that we can't explain. Could be that it was made thicker or more "absorbent" (jesus christ, we can't believe we just typed that - ed.), but what we do know is that maybe if 58-year-old Kenneth Matthews had bought Charmin Ultra instead of his normal quilted brand, he might still be alive.

Matthews roommate, 56-year-old Paul Crow, was so upset that there was no toilet paper that he beat Matthews' head in with not only a claw hammer, but a sledge hammer too. Then again, Crow told police in a confession that during the fight about the poopy paper, Matthews pulled a rifle out, more or less forcing Crow's hand.

We're not sure if we believe it or not, but this is quite a story from any standpoint. Our roommate has taken a crap on our rug before and we haven't flipped out this much. Of course, our roommate has four legs and a tail, but it's the same difference. Remember dear readers, murder over a shit is just not right, no matter how much you were threatened.


MSNBC

Texas Gov. Perry Admits they F-ed Up Hurricane Rita Evacuation
Topic: Texas News

Hot on the heels of the Hurricane Katrina findings, Texas Governor Rick Perry has decided that he'll release how badly they screwed up the evacuation of Houston so that it would be overshadowed by the Katrina findings. Or at least that's the reason that we think he did so.

As you may recall, 63 people died of heat exhaustion, heart attacks and being blown up on a bus on their way to more centrally located and northern cities. Our own brother sat on the highway for some 20+ hours just to get up to Dallas and away from the then-projected category 5 hurricane.

"The process could have been smoother," Gov. Perry said. "This report will improve planning and coordination, which will result in more effective hurricane response when lives hang in the balance and every second counts."

Every second? Bitch, there wasn't enough gas for people to get to safety. You're worried about seconds when we ran out of gas for millions of people?

Help us vote this asshole out of office. Kinky Friedman in 2006!


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

KINKY FRIEDMAN

2006 Olympic Watch!
Topic: Sports

We don't care if you really watch the Olympics or not. We do. Every shitty event.

We couldn't give a fart about two man bobsled. But we watched in anticipation at every hundredth of a second that ticked away. Ice Dancing? We thought it was a joke, but now chicks are falling left and right, teams are quitting due to pain and we've only got one more night. And Bode Miller. Well, he's a jackass who's 0-4 with only one event left, but we bet he knows how to party. We were drunk along with him during his screw ups this past week.

America is currently tied with Canada for fourth in the medal count with 14 as of right now. What's interesting is that even though Norway is second with 17, they only have two gold medals. We've got 7, which is a tie for the lead.

So watch your Olympics tonight folks! It's the Ice Dancing medal round, with Americans Tanith Bilben and Ben Agosto currently in second. And she is G O R G E O U S.


MY WAY NEWS