Topic: Entertainment
Peter Benchley, the author who created the beast that became synonymous with bad facial hair and holy terror on the high seas, "Jaws," died Sunday at age 65. The acclaimed writer died of idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis, a progressive and fatal scarring of the lungs, instead of being devoured alive by a Great White shark, which most of the world would have preferred, just for the freakiness.So thanks Mr. Benchley, for all the terror, and for Quint, and for the phrase "I think we're gonna need a bigger boat." You will certainly be mourned by your fans and even by those that hate you for causing them to never go near the water again.
BOSTON.COM
Posted by James
at 4:10 PM CST
We're sure by now everybody out there in Internetland knows about VEEP Cheney taking a shotgun to a 78-year-old Austin attorney in a quail hunting accident. But after drinking a cocktail of a half a bottle of bleach thinned out with some Tito's Handmade Vodka late last night, we were able to travel to that mystical world where Cheney resides and speak to him before the EMTs jump-started our heart back to life.
We know that other countries excel at the Olympic Winter Games, especially in places like Finland and Norway, where our NFL is their... K125 ski jumping. But America has fallen behind in the medal count early int he games, with the Norwegians taking the lead.
Why we here at Heart of Darko are always interested in approval polls is beyond us. They serve as no barometer for anything, considering that the survey is of 1,000 people at random, and having a sample size of 1,000 in a country of hundreds of millions is like looking at ten M&Ms in a two pound bag to see what the color break down is.
A team of Athens, Greece, bank robbers turned genius really quick, probably after their last heist was almost foiled by an unreliable car. Well, no more of that. This time they just figured out they wouldn't even get out of the car.
A woman in Arkadelphia, Arkansas, saved an "exotic" chicken named Boo Boo by giving it mouth to mouth after it was found, um, beak down in a swimming pool. After blowing twice in the chicken's dirty, vile mouth, it began to breath again.
Is The Great One, Wayne Gretzky, currently coach of his beloved Phoenix Coyotes (we made that up - ed.), involved in a national gambling ring? Federal wire taps may say yes, even though Gretzky came out yesterday and said he knew nothing of it. The FBI has his voice on tape discussing it.
The GM death throes seem to be continuing, as a rare "sell" rating was put on the embattled company today, a first from Deutsche Bank for the automaker, which continues to stumble.
While we merely wanted to say "boner" in a headline, perhaps the Republicans should've chosen someone else as the new House Majority Leader, as it's been announced today that their new selection, John Boehner (pronounced BAY-ner - ed.) rents his D.C. apartment from a lobbyist and his wife. After the Abramoff crap, this might have not been such a slick move.
Wal-Mart, that decidedly un-redneck department store where one can purchase twenty pairs of tube socks for three dollars before walking over to see if your oil change is completed and if the donuts are fresh in the bakery, has decided that 3,200 stores is not enough, and are in fact planning a nationwide takeover of the retail market by open another 1,500 stores in the coming years, including about 350 this year. Say it with us: Wal-Mart owns by soul.
Are you a struggling writer desperate to find a job before your car is repoed and you really ARE living on the street like a character in your book? Well, adopt a fake name or story.
Despite having two of the worst quarterback performances in recent years, Superbowl XL seems to still have posted the largest ratings for the championship game since the Steelers last appeared in the big game, way back in 1996. In that fateful game, they lost to the Dallas Cowboys. Ha. Ha.
A teenager who was revived by a nurse at a baseball game in 1998 after being hit in the chest with a baseball bat saved the exact same nurse, herself a victim of choking on some shitty food at the local grease pit where Mr. Hero works.
When people speak of taking a trip to the museum, they usually do not mean they're going to fall down and break expensive stuff. A London man, apparently, didn't see it this way.
We love football. No shame in that, unless you're talking about the Canadian Football League. Then you're nothing but a sad, wimpy hoser.
There's really nothing we can say except what follows is truly one of the most disturbing images we ever had go through our head. So here's what David Caruso (huh? he quit CSI: Miami? - ed.) of the Associated Press was braver than us to write: