DON KNOTTS LEAVES US!
Topic: Entertainment

A sad day for those of us who appreciate good physical comedy and The Andy Rooney Show. Don Knotts, or "Barney Fife" has passed away today at 81.

We'll miss you Don! Thanks for all the laughs!

:crying:

Don't Trust H&R Block to Do Your Taxes!
Topic: National News

Every year, millions of Americans turn to Turbo Tax or H&R Block to file their federal income tax with the IRS. Because they have professional accountants working on their taxes, they are certain everything will be completed in a timely fashion and 100% correct.

Well, you might want to look somewhere else, because H&R Block misfiled their taxes last year and, in an accounting error, the nation's largest preparer of income tax reports owes the federal government $32 million in unpaid back taxes.

Say it with us. Ouch.


MSNBC

2006 Olympic Watch! Back From the Grave
Topic: Sports

Curling, the combination of janitorial services, shuffleboard and horseshoes that is taking the winter Olympics by storm, is probably one of the greatest, most ridiculous sports in the world. But damned if the Scandinavian folks in the north part of the United States didn't take it seriously.

And the U.S. men's team just won bronze, beating out Britain 8-6. Just wanted to pass that along, since you never see curling in prime time, because the half naked pixies are just too damn provocative on the ice. Okay, seriously, maybe one more figure skating mention will come out of us. The exhibition is tonight, so after that, it's all done and we can go back to lusting over inappropriately aged actresses.

Congratulations American Curling Team! You swept your rocks into our hearts! Or something.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

2006 Olympic Watch! The End is Near...
Topic: Sports

We have a mere two days of games remaining before the Olympic flame is extinguished again for another four years. Now we get what you're saying: "James, what the hell do you mean? The summer Olympics will be held in 2008, right?"

That's right, but you're stupid and the summer games suck when compared to the winter games, so shut your stupid hole. Okay, they're not that bad, but they don't have half naked tiny 22-year-old girls throwing their hot selves around an ice rink for our viewing pleasure, so they'll never even come close to being as kick ass as the Winter Olympics.

Now look away if you don't want to see one of tonight's results that just occurred:

SASHA COHEN YOU BROKE OUR HEART!

Our fragile, fragile heart! How could you fall? TWICE? You're the "Sexy Gypsy!" You're better than that. But you got the Silver medal. Congratulations. You're adorable, have the flexibility of Gumby and are just a hair less gorgeous than ice skating teammate Tanith Belben. We'll let it slide, only because you got beaten by the Japanese.

Which allows us to say congratulations to the Japanese, who with the Gold medal in figure skating finally got their first medal of the 2006 Winter Olympics. Yeah. Wow.

So figure skating is done for the Olympics. America got two medals; one in Ice Dancing and one in Women's Individual. Johnny Weir flamed it up and then blew out (i can't tell whether that's a double entendre or not. good show sir! - ed. and thank you. i try.). The USA Pairs team SUCKED. Our two teenage girls got sixth and seventh, so jolly good for them. You can see them jail bait it up tonight on NBC.


NBC OLYMPICS

P.S. - And yes, we're aware we just said we watched figure skating. But think about it: hot, young, white girl ass flying through the air in flesh-colored tunics contorting their bodies in ways that make porn stars jealous. That's what we thought. Shut up.

James Frey Loses Book Deal; Will Only Be "Rich" and Not "Mega-Rich" for Rest of His Life
Topic: Embarrassment

After many weeks of fake memoirist James Frey popping in and out of this web site, we're happy to report that our favorite "memoirist" has lost his book deal, and the seven figures it would bring him. Now, he'll just have to live off of the remaining megabucks that his book sales are bringing him as they rise above 3 million.

Seriously folks, don't you get it? He made it up. It's not real. STOP BUYING IT. Even Warners looks like they're going to shelve the movie. If the book isn't real enough to get made into a shitty movie, then you should probably stay away from it. And if you are currently reading it, throw it away. Trust me, you'll get more satisfaction.


NY POST via GAWKER

Brutalize an Animal for Your Holiday Pleasure
Topic: Stupidity

As fish owners, we know pretty much nothing about the species of fish called African Cichlids. We've actually never heard of the red parrot cichlid, which apparently was created by breeding and, as a result, is completely infertile. The fish exists because humans create it.

Now, some Hong Kong's Aquaria Mall has decided to torture this tiny fish even more by laser tattooing greetings on the scales of its body. While the company swears the low intensity lasers don't pass through the fishies' scales, the laser burn is permanent.

"Firstly, we need to select the appropriate fish and use only low intensity laser beams. We only engrave on the fishes' scales, not through them. We also had concerns over the possibility of animal abuse, but to date the mortality rate has been zero. The fishes don't even bleed", spokesman Alan Lee said.

So there you have it. Grandmother sick? Get her a "Get Well Soon" abused fish. And nothing says "Happy Birthday, Sis," like a laser etched sterile fish.


SPLOID

South Dakota Kills Roe vs. Wade, Not Babies!
Topic: National News

South Dakota officially became the first state to ban abortion, putting an end to the gambling on which state would effectively challenge the 1973 decision Roe vs. Wade. Now it's pretty much impossible to get an abortion anywhere in the state. Word on the street is that coat hangers will soon be banned too.

So now all of you SD sluts will have to take your soiled vaginas somewhere else to have your unwanted fetus vacuumed out. We recommend North Dakota. It's close by, and you can get laid after you're done crying into your Sex on the Beach.

But seriously, this is ridiculous. In 1992, the law was upheld in Planned Parenthood vs. Casey, and it will probably be upheld here. Why? Because Americans like to hump, and nothing is going to change that. Condoms, morning after pills, etc. You can't take away our last line of defense. We might have to start a family!


REUTERS via YAHOO! NEWS

Team of British Bank Robbers Ganks $40+ Million in One Night
Topic: World News

A team of armed bank robbers broke into an English security facility and made off with upwards of $69 million in currency. The way they pulled off the heist sounds like it could be from a movie. Shit, what are we saying? It is a movie. Well, two movies.

Firewall, starring Indiana Jones, and Heat, starring Al "The Screamer" Pacino.

A team of robbers dressed as police and stopped the manager on his way home from work. He was convinced there had been an accident at his home and easily went along with the men. At home, his wife and son were told that their husband/father was at the hospital, bringing them in immediately as well. Both teams of robbers met up at a white van, where they held the family hostage until the manager let them inside the cash station.

After tying up 15 employees and spending more than an hour loading a massive white truck, the thieves escaped. No gunfire, no nothing. Just regular kidnap and theft.

Just like the British. Gotta be boring, even when you're committing a huge crime.


MSNBC

Eight Nebraska Meatpackers Are the Luckiest People Alive; Sprint PCS Sucks
Topic: National News

Remember those tense days where no one knew who won the Powerball $365 million lottery off of a single ticket? They're over, and now we have images of the people we would like to kill.

Eight Nebraska workers from a meatpacking plant shared the ticket and each received $72 million in a ceremony in Lincoln. However, each idiot chose the cash option on their check and will only get about $15.5 million after taxes. We understand that we sound foolish saying that choosing $15.5 million in a lump sum sounds stupid, but had they chosen the 30 year payouts, they would have gotten $36 million.

The names of the lucky winners are Robert Stewart, Alain Maboussou, Dung Tran, Eric Zornes, David Gehle, Michael Terpstra, Quang Dao and Chasity Rutjens. So if any of these people owe you money, don't act now. They still have to find a bank big enough to cash their over sized novelty checks, and then you can hit them. We're going to wait a week, because we once lent a guy named Dung $300 back in the day. Now he's screwed. Of course, lesson of the day is never to loan money to a man named "Dung."


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

P.S. - The Sprint PCS reference in the headline is due to our anger over the pig-fuckers charging us for downloads we never made to a phone we don't even own and telling us that there's nothing they can do about it. $365 million is pretty much the same total as our current phone bill.

P.P.S. - Cliff Notes version: Sprint PCS sucks. If you have their service, dump them.

Lego Brokeback Mountain Arrives!
Topic: Entertainment

We know that we've already posted some dumb crap about perennial gay-friendly Hollywood favorite Brokeback Mountain, but the more H-wood tries to force their hypocritical shit down our throats, the more we're going to make fun of them. Now that Brokeback seems to be faltering a bit before the Academy Awards ("hmm, maybe America realized that the movie was just okay, not great, and not really groundbreaking. oh no!"), it's a good time to release more mockery.

For that we turn to Daniel Brown and his Lego Brokeback Mountain. Don't worry; it doesn't spoil the mediocrity that is the second half of the movie. The condensed version is displayed here, but drop on over to SmugMug to check out the full size images and captions. And the Lego sheep rule. Good job Daniel!


SMUG MUG

Fake Writers Continue to Profit; Ask Your Mom, She Knows This One
Topic: Embarrassment

While thrillers/mysteries are one of the largest segment of the publishing industry, it must be difficult to continue to come up with fresh ideas every time you snort through your most recent advance.

And the truth is that it is. Ask Mary Higgins Clark, whom, in case you're wondering, has been keeping your mother entertained with her bedtime stories for years. It seems that Clark has been hard up for ideas and, whoops, might have stolen a bit of the plot from Israeli writer Dalia Gal's screenplay that circulated widely through Hollywood while Clark was writing her 2003 thriller "The Second Time Around."

The infringement suit that Gal filed against Clark noted that the plots both revolve around "a single female journalist's investigation of an elaborate conspiracy plot between two rival pharmaceutical companies to create a miracle drug, [and] a scientist working on the miracle drug [who] disappears," while the scientist's "wife is having a secret relationship with the head of the rival pharmaceutical corporation, and plays a role in the conspiracy against her husband."

Clark responded with this:

"Before this lawsuit was filed, I had never heard of Ms. Gal and certainly never saw her screenplay. Her allegations are blatant nonsense and patently untrue."

So if there are any mothers/librarians out there who have read Clark's novel, please let us know if this truly is the plot of the story because, quite frankly, it sounds kind of interesting.


NEW YORK DAILY NEWS

Bush Gettin' Pissed Over Port Deal
Topic: Politics

By now, everyone has heard about the port deal President Bush made with an Arab owned company to handle all daily operations. The Cliff Notes version of the story is that people that claim to be pillars of the tolerance and acceptance community are now freaking out because Bush, oh my God, is letting an Arab country run our ports and, oh my God, terrorist threats are now coming from... Arabs. Hypocrites.

Then again, even some of the most staunch Bush supporters are up in arms, a la Bill Frist.

"The decision to finalize this deal should be put on hold until the administration conducts a more extensive review of this matter," said Frist, R-Tenn. "If the administration cannot delay this process, I plan on introducing legislation to ensure that the deal is placed on hold until this decision gets a more thorough review."

Ooh, Frister's gettin' some nuts on him. Mr. President, your response?

"They ought to listen to what I have to say about this. They'll look at the facts and understand the consequences of what they're going to do," President Bush said. "But if they pass a law, I'll deal with it with a veto."

OH SNAP!

You just got rocked son. Bush hasn't used his veto power in five years. Don't screw with the President Frist. You'll get your ass twisted.

But the dogs are getting yippy. Republican Senator Susan Collins and Democratic Representative Jane Harman are going to issue a "joint resolution of disapproval" when they get back to the Capital next week. First... what the shit is a "joint resolution of disapproval" and can it stop anything? No, right? Then who cares. And second, when you get back to the Capital next week? God we love it when our lawmakers love our country.

"Look, I know this is pretty important, but I haven't finished the new Harry Potter yet, so it can wait."

But we're not gonna lie: Bush has been wrong about a lot of things. So what we're gonna do is sit back and wait for the sub-committees to talk it over and then spout their biased opinion about the topic back at us. Because as of now, we really don't think it's that big of a deal. The Coast Guard is in charge of security at those ports, not the company, right? Right. So let our military handle it.


ASSOCIATED PRESS

If Only He Had Used Charmin Ultra, He Would Still Be Alive
Topic: National News

Those goddamn animated crapping bears on the Charmin TV commercials have taught us something other than if we ever see a bear using toilet paper, we should instantly run inside the nearest structure. They have also taught us that you can get more use out of Charmin Ultra because of some reason that we can't explain. Could be that it was made thicker or more "absorbent" (jesus christ, we can't believe we just typed that - ed.), but what we do know is that maybe if 58-year-old Kenneth Matthews had bought Charmin Ultra instead of his normal quilted brand, he might still be alive.

Matthews roommate, 56-year-old Paul Crow, was so upset that there was no toilet paper that he beat Matthews' head in with not only a claw hammer, but a sledge hammer too. Then again, Crow told police in a confession that during the fight about the poopy paper, Matthews pulled a rifle out, more or less forcing Crow's hand.

We're not sure if we believe it or not, but this is quite a story from any standpoint. Our roommate has taken a crap on our rug before and we haven't flipped out this much. Of course, our roommate has four legs and a tail, but it's the same difference. Remember dear readers, murder over a shit is just not right, no matter how much you were threatened.


MSNBC

Texas Gov. Perry Admits they F-ed Up Hurricane Rita Evacuation
Topic: Texas News

Hot on the heels of the Hurricane Katrina findings, Texas Governor Rick Perry has decided that he'll release how badly they screwed up the evacuation of Houston so that it would be overshadowed by the Katrina findings. Or at least that's the reason that we think he did so.

As you may recall, 63 people died of heat exhaustion, heart attacks and being blown up on a bus on their way to more centrally located and northern cities. Our own brother sat on the highway for some 20+ hours just to get up to Dallas and away from the then-projected category 5 hurricane.

"The process could have been smoother," Gov. Perry said. "This report will improve planning and coordination, which will result in more effective hurricane response when lives hang in the balance and every second counts."

Every second? Bitch, there wasn't enough gas for people to get to safety. You're worried about seconds when we ran out of gas for millions of people?

Help us vote this asshole out of office. Kinky Friedman in 2006!


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

KINKY FRIEDMAN

2006 Olympic Watch!
Topic: Sports

We don't care if you really watch the Olympics or not. We do. Every shitty event.

We couldn't give a fart about two man bobsled. But we watched in anticipation at every hundredth of a second that ticked away. Ice Dancing? We thought it was a joke, but now chicks are falling left and right, teams are quitting due to pain and we've only got one more night. And Bode Miller. Well, he's a jackass who's 0-4 with only one event left, but we bet he knows how to party. We were drunk along with him during his screw ups this past week.

America is currently tied with Canada for fourth in the medal count with 14 as of right now. What's interesting is that even though Norway is second with 17, they only have two gold medals. We've got 7, which is a tie for the lead.

So watch your Olympics tonight folks! It's the Ice Dancing medal round, with Americans Tanith Bilben and Ben Agosto currently in second. And she is G O R G E O U S.


MY WAY NEWS

Henry Rollins vs. Australia!
Topic: Entertainment

Henry Rollins is awesome. Not only is a hard rock god and one of the funniest guys on the planet, but he is now taking on the whole country of Australia, especially the Australian Prime Minister, for a recent letter he received notifying him that he was a suspected terrorist. While the woman who sent him the letter obviously got that the guy who reported Hank was truly a moron, we wanted to reprint what Mr. Rollins himself said on his blog, because it shows just how stupid everyone gets around anything involving the national of Islam.

I just got a letter from a nice woman who told me the man I sat next to on the flight from Auckland to Goldcoast Australia reported me to the Australian Government because of the book I was reading.

“I hope this finds you before you leave Australia as I think its something that won’t surprise you but might give you a smile when you are sitting in a hotel room. I work in one of those Government areas that deals with anti terrorism matters. A fine service is provided but unfortunately we get to read a lot of things submitted by lunatics. The Australian Government set up the National Security Hotline to report terrorists.

The person who sat next to you on the flight from New Zealand does not agree with your politics or choice of reading and so nominated you as a possible threat. As they were too cowardly or stupid to leave their details I can’t call them to discuss their idiocy with them.”

Interesting that he and I exchanged nothing but polite hellos. I was reading Ahmed Rashid’s book Jihad: The Rise Of Militant Islam In Central Asia. He’s a correspondent for the Wall Street Journal and the book is on the Yale University Press. Didn’t Bush drink beer at Yale? Didn’t he not seem to learn much at Yale? Of course I wrote the nice lady back.

“I was reading a book called Jihad by Ahmed Rashid which is a history of Central Asia. I didn't speak to the man next to me past how do you do. I think Ahmed Rashid is published by Yale University Press. Bush's alma mater. Please tell your government and everyone in your office to go fuck themselves. Tell them twice. If your boss is looking for something to do, you can tell him I suggest he go fuck himself. Baghdad's safer than my hometown and your PM is a sissy. You have a nice night.”

Ha! Keep it up Hank. You rock.


HENRYROLLINS.COM via SPLOID

German Stoner Goes to Cops To Help Get Money Back for Bad Drugs
Topic: Stupidity

After many attempts to try and get his money back for 200 grams of what he called "bad marijuana," a 52-year-old man was arrested by authorities in Darmstadt, Germany, for violating possession laws.

The man apparently was angry that he got shafted out of $475 (400 Euros) and was looking to get his money back from his dealer.

This is akin to robbing a bank and then calling the police to report your partner shafting you on your share of the take. Crime is crime. Haven't these people watched any Tarantino movies? Of course you're gonna get screwed. You're criminals!


REUTERS

California Mother Won't Live to See Daughter Become Legal
Topic: Weird Shit

A 62-year-old grandmother in California gave birth to a healthy baby boy on Friday, which made her the second-oldest woman to ever give birth naturally in the world. The baby boy was her, wait for it, 12th child. Between those other 11 kids, who must feel COMPLETELY left out and unloved, there are also 20 grandkids.

Her husband is 48, and even though she had a child 3 1/2 years ago, both of her two recent additions to the family she will soon be leaving were created through in vitro fertilization techniques. Why are we making fun of this woman and her babymaking abilities? Especially making jokes about her death?

It's not because she's over the age of 60. No, it's because she's over the age of 60 and still birthing fucking kids. This woman's body is so worn out an errant sneeze could turn her bowels into liquid. For the love of god, get her a hyperbolic chamber and tell her that there are other religions besides Catholicism!


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Our Real Job Calls; Be Back Monday
Topic: Housekeeping

Due to an unexpected case of having to work, we won't be able to post today since we'll be away from a computer for the rest of Friday. But have no fail. We'll be back Monday to try and ruin your week with lots of bad news and idiotic commentary that have all the wit and wisdom of flung monkey poop.

So everyone have a safe weekend and remember to watch the Olympic games, because without your viewer ship, they might not survive!

What's that you say? They've been around for thousands of years? Oh. Screw it then. Watch Law & Order.

Senate Massively Backs Patriot Act; Get the Lube Ready, America
Topic: Politics

The United States Senate overwhelmingly voted yes to re-up the Patriot Act for another four years, with a whopping 96-3 vote. However, with the bill expiring on March 10 yet again, they'll be hard pressed to get it through Congress, meaning that we'll have to stop torturing people in prison and taking away people's shit for a day or two.

The only reason that there was such support for it this time around was Presidential compromises that protected more civil liberties. So after some procedural crap that has to be done, the Senate will vote on each section of the Patriot Act and should finish it up by the end of the month.

Then it goes to Congress, who will undoubtedly have it for at least a month as well before ending up on the President's desk where Cheney will make him sign it.

Than your ass is theirs. Good luck!


MSNBC