Superbowl XL Earns Biggest Ratings Since 1996; Fallout Continues
Topic: Sports

Despite having two of the worst quarterback performances in recent years, Superbowl XL seems to still have posted the largest ratings for the championship game since the Steelers last appeared in the big game, way back in 1996. In that fateful game, they lost to the Dallas Cowboys. Ha. Ha.

It appears that 90.7 million people tuned in, according to preliminary reports. The largest group watching was Pittsburgh, followed closely by Seattle. 141.1 million of you watched at least some part of the game, so ABC got their money's worth. Hopefully Diet Pepsi, with their overtly racial "Brown & Bubbley" campaign, did not.

Grey's Anatomy, the medical "drama" that followed, was watched by 35 million people, making it the most watched non-sporting event program this year, beating ever the craptacular whippings of American Idol. It's just too bad that GA kind of sucked. Way to be entertained America. First Desperate Housewives, now this. *sigh*


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Teen Reciprocates and Saves Life of Nurse; Irony Alive and Well in Western New York
Topic: National News

A teenager who was revived by a nurse at a baseball game in 1998 after being hit in the chest with a baseball bat saved the exact same nurse, herself a victim of choking on some shitty food at the local grease pit where Mr. Hero works.

So major props goes to Kevin Stephan of Lancaster, NY. An Eagle Scout, baseball player and volunteer firefighter at the tender age of 17, he can now add hero to his resume.

And Penny Brown, who was already a hero, is now a part of one of the oddest stories of reciprocation and heroism that we've ever read. Hopefully this story will get these people out of western New York, because from what we've heard, that place is like living in Boondock, Tennessee: full of inbred moonshiners.


MSNBC

British Man Lacks Balance, Wrecks Three Priceless Vases
Topic: Stupidity

When people speak of taking a trip to the museum, they usually do not mean they're going to fall down and break expensive stuff. A London man, apparently, didn't see it this way.

"I snagged my shoelace, missed the step and 'crash bang wallop,' there was a million pieces of high quality Qing ceramics lying around beneath me," Nick Flynn told BBC radio.

Flynn broke three 17th century Chinese vases in his fall, which museum employees said they would glue back together. But don't expect to see Flynn admiring the exhibit when they're all put back together and back up on their Humpty-Dumpty wall; the director of the museum wrote him a letter asking him not to come back.

Ouch. Off to the Louvre with you! We hear they have many staircases directly in front of priceless art that are wonderful for rolling down.


REUTERS via YAHOO! NEWS

The Heart of Darko Superbowl Party!
Topic: Sports

We love football. No shame in that, unless you're talking about the Canadian Football League. Then you're nothing but a sad, wimpy hoser.

So the Heart of Darko Superbowl XL party is in full swing. We have a fridge full of cheap beer and a beef pot roast stew in the oven, since there's nothing manlier than stew. Except for stabbing a guy. That's pretty manly too.

As a Dallas Cowboys fan, we hate anyone in the NFC that does better than the Cows. So we're rooting for the Steelers. We also liked the Ben Rothlesberger "Drink Like a Champion" photos, so that's just a bonus for us. So we say go Steelers! Kick the crap out of the Seahawks and bring a championship back from the Motor City. Your bullet-laden fans are waiting for the Lombardi trophy.

Have fun and be safe today everyone. And no burning cars! We're not French!

Uber-Orthodox Jewish Rabbis Are Sex Offenders
Topic: Stupidity

There's really nothing we can say except what follows is truly one of the most disturbing images we ever had go through our head. So here's what David Caruso (huh? he quit CSI: Miami? - ed.) of the Associated Press was braver than us to write:

For thousands of years, rabbis performed a simple procedure to cleanse the wound during a ritual circumcision: Like outdoorsmen treating a snake bite, they sucked blood from the cut and spit it out.

Everyone say it together:

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

We've never had anything against people of the Jewish faith. Point of fact, we had an interesting, i.e. fun, but crazy, relationship with a very, VERY sweet Jewish girl. But now we see why the Palestinians hate them. They do, in fact, suck dick. Baby dick. Bloody... baby... dick...

Honestly, we don't even care what this goddamn story was about. It could be very well written, but we just can't past the bloody baby penis sucking. That's just about the worst thing we've ever heard. Excuse us, we have to go vom now.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Bond Movie Director Arrested in H-Wood Prostitution Sting... In Drag!
Topic: Entertainment

Die Another Day was not a great James Bond movie, but it was Pierce Brosnan's best since Goldeneye. Much of that credit can be given to Lee Tamahori, who had previously made the awesome adventure/survival movie The Edge and then went on to make cinematic crap like XXX: State of the Union.

Most would have thought that making a movie with Ice Cube as the star would be an embarrassment, but Tamahori showed all of them up, as he was arrested in a Hollywood prostitution sting. We think the arresting officer pretty much sums it up.

"Mr Tamahori was arrested for soliciting. I can confirm he was dressed in women's clothing at the time of the arrest," Officer Jason Lee of the Los Angeles Police Department said.

But wait! The pot gets sweeter.

"He was arrested after approaching an undercover officer who was sitting in his car and offering to perform a sex act," Frank Mateljan of the Los Angeles City Attorney's office.

"The defendant was dressed in drag, loitering on the sidewalk," the spokesman said.

Ha! Awesome. Guess XXX2 hit him harder than we had suspected. Must suck to go from being a respected action director to a cross-dressing Hollywood hooker.


BREITBART

Heart of Darko Presents... Brokeback to the Future
Topic: Entertainment

Just because we found it on YouTube. Enjoy.

We Like Grilled Cheese Sandwiches, But Come On...
Topic: Weird Shit

Nothing interests us today unless it involves some bodily function either in a human or puppy, so here's your next goddamn story:

A 100-pound woman in New York ate 26 grilled cheese sandwiches in 10 minutes to win the crown of World Grilled Cheese Eating Champion. The woman, Sonya Thomas, took home eight grand for beating our her competition by a half of a sandwich. Her current eating records also include 46 dozen oysters in 10 minutes, 11 pounds of cheesecake in 9 minutes, 48 chicken tacos in 11 minutes, 37 hot dogs and buns in 12 minutes and 56 hamburgers in 8 minutes (all numbers/times from the AP - ed.). So apparently the girl has the metabolism of a ferret on meth.

Since it's Groundhog Day though, we would've been a lot more impressed had she eaten 26 live groundhogs, but that many grilled cheeses is pretty good. Dammit, now we have a craving for one.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Columbian Smugglers Turning Puppies Into Drug Mules
Topic: World News

Everyone has a story about having some sort of drug shoved up your ass so that you can get them into this country to sell to rich white kids. Wait, you don't? Anyway, these people are called drug mules, and instead of shoving bags of coke and heroin up your ass, they swallow them. We shove them up our ass, but that's because we're old school.

The Columbian drug cartel located in Medellin has a different idea to transport their drugs into New York: puppies. Yes, puppies. DEA officials found six puppies with over 3 kilos of heroin sewn inside their stomachs by a veterinarian. Sadly, three of the puppies died after having the smack removed from their innards.

The other three, however, will have their revenge. The Columbian drug police force has adopted them and begun their training to turn them into lethal, drug-sniffing furballs with a chip on their shoulder and a score to settle. Watch out you wannabe Pablo Escobars! Rover's on your trail for what you did to his brothers...


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Trifecta of Sluts Sues Wal-Mart to Carry Morning After Pill
Topic: Stupidity

Three skankified women from Massachusetts have filed suit against Wal-Mart for failing to stock the emergency morning after birth control pill. Yeah, they sued for birth control.

However, these women don't want money to buy more shoes. And none of them are pregnant with any unwanted fetuses. All they want is to force the retail giant to stock the pill, which the company has denied to do, since they have the right to "choose not to carry many products for business reasons" and that the pills were not a "commonly prescribed" pharmaceutical drug.

The three women are arguing that state law says Wal-Mart has to carry all common pharmaceutical pills, but we have a different opinion of their motivations:

They're whores. But they're embarrassed by it. Which is why they buy their prescriptions at Wal-Mart. The pharmacist at Wal-Mart fills thousands of requests a day. Jon's Pharmacy on the corner remembers your face and name. And Jon's son is cute and you want to bang him in the back of your Honda. So you can't let his dad know that you're a tramp who doesn't use contraceptives so you carry a supply of emergency morning after pills, especially since they put those stupid rubber tips on the end of coat hangers anymore, rendering them only capable of retarding a fetus instead of killing it.

You're right. Better sue. If not for you, then for your potentially retarded orphan baby.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

An Open Dialog About Politics and John Kerry with James Andresen and The Heart of Darko
Topic: Politics

We've noticed lately that it's coming off that we're massive Bush supporters who hate everything liberal and want nobody but the rich to survive. This is entirely not true. We're going to vote for Kinky Friedman in the Texas gubernatorial election, think Bush is pretty much half retarded, yet still loathe Hillary Clinton. What does that make us? Correct, a libertarian or moderate, depending on which political way you lean.

But we can't help Senator John Kerry being stupid. He's doing it to himself. After an abysmally run presidential campaign during which time he should've cleaned up, he came out with a "Message of the Day" platform that torpedoed himself. Then the excuses came and he looked like a sniveling spoiled elitist brat who wanted to take his ball and go home.

Now he's gone completely against every statement he made during the campaign (and people say that campaign promising is no longer alive - ed.) and just said some of the most dumb things we've ever heard a politican say. It continued in a post-State of the Union interview this morning with Katie Couric on Today.

COURIC: He wanted to train 70,000 additional teachers in math and science.

KERRY: That's terrific. But 53 percent of our children don't graduate from high school. Kids don't have after-school programs... He didn't ask America to sacrifice anything to achieve great goals and the biggest example is making the tax cut permanent for the wealthiest people in America. The average American struggles to find time to take carry of families, working two or three jobs... It's a disgrace. He did not tell the real state of the union.

What? 53% don't graduate from high school? Honestly Senator Kerry, did you just pull that number out of your ass? 85.9% of 20-24 year olds graduated from high school, and graduation rates are at an all time high. So what the hell are you talking about?

Do you see now why we dislike this man so much? He makes up facts that don't even seem to be close to correct. We think he's given us the right to make fun of him... constantly. Douche.


DRUDGE REPORT

P.S. - And no, that is not us in the picture. It's some dude from the Duke physics department.

Frey-Watch! Dropped By Oprah, Now By Agent!
Topic: Embarrassment

James Frey, author of the fake memoir A Million Little Pieces, has faced the humiliation of first being outed by The Smoking Gun, then shut down by the big O on national television. Now, he's gonna have to find himself some new representation if he ever comes out with another memoir. Sorry, we didn't mean to say memoir. We meant to say collection of bullshit.

“In the last week, it became impossible for me to maintain a relationship once the trust had been broken. He eventually did apologize, but I felt for many reasons I had to let him go as a client,” said former manager/agent Kassie Evashevski.

Frey better hope that his editor doesn't leave, because that's like the other half of your brain leaving you in a lurch. Of course, his book's currently #5 on Amazon books, up from #6 yesterday, so it's not like he's ever going to be hurting for money. But whatever, we just want our $35 back you liar.


MSNBC

P.S. - Don't forget to sign Jenny Pietrowski's petition to get your money back from Random House, the purveyor of lies!

The State of the Union Drinking Game... Stolen!
Topic: Politics

We were at first angered when we found out that FOX would not be showing House tonight because of some crappy movie called State of the Union. Of course, then we realized that this wasn't a shitty Chris Rock flick, but instead the President's State of the Union address.

Well, because of our blog's previous life as an exotic, odd look at politics with a biting sense of utter profranity and stupidity, we've decided to bring back that unnamed editor and turn him loose again on the frey. So we have continued the tradition started over a year ago and have stolen a drinking game for you to play. This one is from the new Wonkette's, who, sadly, are now two guys. So think of a 20-year-old and a failed Beltway attorney while funneling liqour, because the days of AMC are gone.

Drink up suckas!

* Every time Bush mentions Iran: 1 drink
* Hamas: 1 drink
* North Korea: 1 drink
* Bush begins a sentence with “British Intelligence…”: Drink an entire bottle of whatever you were drinking three years ago, throw it at the TV
* Bush mentions the people of New Orleans: Cry into your beer, then drink it.
* Bush mentions the people of New Orleans in a positive light: Shot of bitters.
* Bush mentions Hurricane Katrina: Tell person sitting next to you that you’ll refill their glass, leave town for a couple days.
* Bush mentions Hurricane Katrina in a positive light: Check the label.
* Every time Bush makes reference to a previous President’s SOTU address: 1 drink.
* If the reference is to a Democratic President’s speech: 2 drinks.
* To Grover Cleveland’s 1888 address: Finish the bottle.
* Bush mentions Coretta Scott King: pour out a 40 on the curb.
* Chris Penn: Pour out a 40, a steak, and a milkshake on the curb.
* “Health Savings Accounts”: Enjoy the freedom to choose a drink you can’t afford.
* Bush ends the speech with “Ever get the feeling you’ve been cheated?”: A billion drinks.



WONKETTE

Oscar Nominations Announced; Somehow, Hostel Receives None...
Topic: Entertainment

We liked Hostel. A lot. There was blood. Lots and lots and lots of blood. And an Asian chick with one eye jumping in front of a train to end her miserable, scarred life. That movie rocked.

We also saw Brokeback Mountain. That movie was okay. No chicks in front of trains, but Jake Gylellehallennehallal's character was the only cowboy sexual predator we've ever seen. Pretty decent movie.

Well, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Science appears to have loved it, as they heaped eight nominations on it, beating out every other movie. So now we're back in to our yearly red state vs. blue state throwdown. Will the blue staters win, pulling it out (no pun intended - ed.) in all the big categories?

Who gives a shit? We like movies, and we hate award shows, so whatever. As long as War of the Worlds didn't get anything, we're happy. That movie totally blew in only a way Brokeback Mountain could've dreamed of.


MSNBC

Democratic Blowhardiness Ends in Bupkiss with Alito Confirmation
Topic: Politics

Judge Samuel Alito was confirmed to the office of Supreme Court Justice today in a 58-42 vote on the Senate floor, after much talk of filibusters by the usual suspects, e.g. Ted "Rummy" Kennedy and John "Remember Me" Kerry. The vote, which Dems will undoubtedly say was close, really wasn't. It was 16 people off, including notable Democrats like Barack Obama and HillClint.

But, because of the Senate breakdown, it was close. Doesn't matter though, since he won and we don't ever have to relive this again. So after all the bitching and moaning and complaints of his children (honestly people, his kids? - ed.), Sandra Day O'Connor is still out Samuel Alito is in.

And we seriously doubt that abortion will become illegal because of that. Even though we can think of some politicians that we wouldn't like to see procreate...


MSNBC

Ukrainian Woman Thinks She's a Vampire; Gets Kids Drunk and Removes Their Blood
Topic: Weird Shit

A 29-year-old Ukrainian woman was arrested, for a second time, for getting kids drunk and high on modeling glue and then removing their blood with a syringe with the purpose of drinking their life force. We've seen pretty much every vampire movie and have never seen any of them use a syringe, but whatever.

"As it turned out during the investigation, there is an organization in Odessa called 'Red Dragon,'" Interfax reported today. "Its members performed black magic rituals using human blood. The leader of this Satanic group has been identified. He collected all the money rank-and-file Satanists made out of black magic."

Ah, Satanist. That's all they had to say. But wait... do you remember what an evidence orgy is? It's usually when someone is framed by having TONS of evidence stuck in obvious places. Like in those crappy movies when a dirty cop kills a dude with a throw-away gun and then puts it next to the framed guy's body.

"Detectives found seven drugged children strapped to beds and benches, and a large, black knife and silver goblet engraved with satanic symbols."

And there's your evidence orgy. The woman, however, says she paid them $600 a piece, fed and bathed them until she let them go... by dumping them in the street. Now this is a compassionate vampire. Not anything like the ones we saw in Blade. Those guys were just dicks.


SPLOID

Cindy Sheehan Continues to Dumbass It Up With Hugo Chavez
Topic: Politics

No one has ever called us supporters of Cindy Sheehan, the anti-war idiot who continues to spring up and stomp on her son's name just one more time. So after a hiatus of a couple of months where we didn't even think her name, Sheehan resurfaces. And none other than in a different country, of course. This time, it's in Venezuela, where she mustered up the support of anti-Bush Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez.

Chavez, always a rational thinker, stopped blowing rails of coke long enough to say this about his guest's country;

"Down with the U.S. empire! It must be said, in the entire world: Down with the empire!"

After having her country openly mocked in front of her face, Sheehan had this to say to the Venezuelan coke-leader;

Sheehan thanked Chavez for "supporting life and peace." She said earlier that she was impressed by his sincerity when they met privately on Saturday.

"He said, 'Why don't I run for president?'" she said. "I just laughed."

God fucking help us. However, buzz has it that Sheehan is thinking about running for Senator of California, despite her many arrests in Washington D.C. for inciting violence during her "peace rallies." Seriously, does anyone like this stupid twat anymore? Casey Sheehan, we're sorry you died, but we feel awful that you had this nitwit for a mother.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

The Ron Mexico Name Generator
Topic: Stupidity

Ron Mexico is one of the most powerful men in the National Football League. Wait, you don't know who Ron Mexico is? The hell you say!

That's okay, since we're going to tell you anyway. It was leaked on Deadspin a while ago that Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick is fond of checking into hotels, and venereal disease clinics, under the name Ron Mexico, so no one can figure out where the hell he is staying or whether or not Mexico really is full of crabs.

Well now you can have your own Ron Mexico name! Ours happens to be Rock Gibraltar, so we're quite pleased. Welcome this little Friday afternoon, pre-weekend diversion to your life. After all, if you can't laugh at the stupid things, then what the hell are you doing here?


RON MEXICO NAME GENERATOR

(image courtesy of DEADSPIN)

HO-LY CRAP. Biggest. Boxer. Ever.
Topic: Sports

The Nintendo generation, especially the guys, remembers Mike Tyson's Punch Out, a great game where you fought some of the most outlandish characters ever to inhabit a boxing game. Current World Boxing Association champion Nikolay Valuev would fit perfectly in that game.

The picture up to the right and enlarged on the LA TIMES' page is of Valuev fighting John Ruiz, who is himself no tiny man. Valuev dwarfs him. DWARFS HIM. We don't even care if that's proper English. He just goddamn dwarfs him.

Valuev is a massive seven feet tall. Good luck super heavyweight class boxers. As boxing fans who used to get in the amateur ring during our pre-Parliament Light days, we feel comfortable saying this: you stand no chance, unless you figure out how to make him have a heart attack. The guys pulmonary must be the size of a cantaloupe.


LA TIMES

Palestinian Civil War in 3... 2... 1...
Topic: World News

The world reacted to the news that the terrorist group Hamas had somehow pulled off a massive landslide victory in Palestine in the same way President Bush did. He stared blankly into space, hearing the sounds of AK47s that were being fired at Middle East democracy's knees.

Now, it appears the ousted Fatah party ain't too happy about their loss, especially after exit polls showed them way ahead (sounds familiar, huh Democrats? - ed.) and have taken to opening fire on the Hamas soldiers.

Well, the good news is that apparently Palestinians can't hit shit with fully automatic weapons, because even after the violent protestings of thousands of Fatah and Hamas supporters through the Gaza strip, only three people have been wounded. THREE. We hurt more people driving home from work every day. Pussies.


MSNBC