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The GM death throes seem to be continuing, as a rare "sell" rating was put on the embattled company today, a first from Deutsche Bank for the automaker, which continues to stumble.
While we merely wanted to say "boner" in a headline, perhaps the Republicans should've chosen someone else as the new House Majority Leader, as it's been announced today that their new selection, John Boehner (pronounced BAY-ner - ed.) rents his D.C. apartment from a lobbyist and his wife. After the Abramoff crap, this might have not been such a slick move.
Wal-Mart, that decidedly un-redneck department store where one can purchase twenty pairs of tube socks for three dollars before walking over to see if your oil change is completed and if the donuts are fresh in the bakery, has decided that 3,200 stores is not enough, and are in fact planning a nationwide takeover of the retail market by open another 1,500 stores in the coming years, including about 350 this year. Say it with us: Wal-Mart owns by soul.
We'll freely admit that we didn't watch Bush's State of the Union address. And not because we thought it was a dumb movie about the Presidency or terrorism. We just didn't give a crap.
Are you a struggling writer desperate to find a job before your car is repoed and you really ARE living on the street like a character in your book? Well, adopt a fake name or story.
Despite having two of the worst quarterback performances in recent years, Superbowl XL seems to still have posted the largest ratings for the championship game since the Steelers last appeared in the big game, way back in 1996. In that fateful game, they lost to the Dallas Cowboys. Ha. Ha.
A teenager who was revived by a nurse at a baseball game in 1998 after being hit in the chest with a baseball bat saved the exact same nurse, herself a victim of choking on some shitty food at the local grease pit where Mr. Hero works.
When people speak of taking a trip to the museum, they usually do not mean they're going to fall down and break expensive stuff. A London man, apparently, didn't see it this way.
We love football. No shame in that, unless you're talking about the Canadian Football League. Then you're nothing but a sad, wimpy hoser.
There's really nothing we can say except what follows is truly one of the most disturbing images we ever had go through our head. So here's what David Caruso (huh? he quit CSI: Miami? - ed.) of the Associated Press was braver than us to write:
Die Another Day was not a great James Bond movie, but it was Pierce Brosnan's best since Goldeneye. Much of that credit can be given to Lee Tamahori, who had previously made the awesome adventure/survival movie The Edge and then went on to make cinematic crap like XXX: State of the Union.
Nothing interests us today unless it involves some bodily function either in a human or puppy, so here's your next goddamn story:
Everyone has a story about having some sort of drug shoved up your ass so that you can get them into this country to sell to rich white kids. Wait, you don't? Anyway, these people are called drug mules, and instead of shoving bags of coke and heroin up your ass, they swallow them. We shove them up our ass, but that's because we're old school.
Three skankified women from Massachusetts have filed suit against Wal-Mart for failing to stock the emergency morning after birth control pill. Yeah, they sued for birth control.
We've noticed lately that it's coming off that we're massive Bush supporters who hate everything liberal and want nobody but the rich to survive. This is entirely not true. We're going to vote for Kinky Friedman in the Texas gubernatorial election, think Bush is pretty much half retarded, yet still loathe Hillary Clinton. What does that make us? Correct, a libertarian or moderate, depending on which political way you lean.
James Frey, author of the fake memoir A Million Little Pieces, has faced the humiliation of first being outed by The Smoking Gun, then shut down by the big O on national television. Now, he's gonna have to find himself some new representation if he ever comes out with another memoir. Sorry, we didn't mean to say memoir. We meant to say collection of bullshit.
We liked Hostel. A lot. There was blood. Lots and lots and lots of blood. And an Asian chick with one eye jumping in front of a train to end her miserable, scarred life. That movie rocked.
