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Every Steeler's favorite player, Lynn Swan, is projected to lose his bid for the Governorship of Pittsburgh. And by a quite large margin we might add. We should have a compiled list for you later.
If not, you can get it over on any news site or channel. Now we make our triumphant return to booze...
Here are your damn Congressional returns. Don't trust these as far as you can toss a full keg of Jaegermeister.
Democrats leading:
Virginia (52-47)
Rhode Island (53-46)
Pennsylvania (57-42)
Ohio (57-43)
New Jersey (52-45)
Montana (53-46)
Missouri (50-48)
Maryland (53-46)
Republicans leading:
Tennessee (51-48)
Arizona (50-46)
As the first polls close on the east coast, the numbers have been kicked out as quickly as machinely possible, with the vote ending in a tie in two completely non-competitive races.
Kentucky was the first to release its preliminary numbers, which show Democrat Ben Chandler and Republican Harold Rogers easily retaining their seats. Now that the polls are shutting down and the last votes are being scanned, punched, or tossed in the trash can, we should expect some new numbers coming out pretty steadiliy, so stay tuned.
We're on it like a fly on shit, which is the best analogy that fits this election season.
After waiting all day to see the outcomes of some of the important Gubernatorial and Congressional elections, the first round of exit polls have finally been released, and they conclusively... absolutely nothing.
In fact, the polls don't even mention the races and focus solely on Bush's job approval, which doesn't look good for the sitting President, which could mean a shake-up in Congress and throughout the States.
60 percent of all people polled (respondants were 56% Democrat, 44% Republican - ed.) claim they are not satisfied with Bush's job performance, which 40 percent say they are strongly disapproving of his ability to lead the country.
While these numbers do not show any election results, it would appear that a possible proverbial changing of the guard might take place. You'll hear more when we hear more.
We've been creating enough drinking games lately with meteoric popularity (you be quiet... people liked it! - ed.), so now we've decided for tonight's drunken election results debauchery to steal a drinking game from the good alcoholics over at Wonkette.
While this game is a bit short and quite interactive, considering that you must be using both the Internet and the boob tube, it's a good one nonetheless. So drink up, friends, and remember that election results aren't in until 7:00PM, so don't feel bad when coverage at 6:00 doesn't really show much of anything.
Take a hit when:
And then we get serious, after the jump.
Take two sips when:
Take a shot when:
Lightning Round:
You've got mere hours left, and don't forget about campaign parties in your neighborhood. Our friend Goldfinger will be here tonight with us to attempt to dual-blog this hooker to death and probably end up playing a lot of videogames after we lose interest.
By now we all know of the Republican's supposed plan to take down the voters of this country, since obviously we're all too stupid to vote. Even though we proudly wore our "Vote F*cker" shirt to the polls today and received some nasty looks from the surrounding Hispanic people that couldn't read and gay guys that thought the colors were tacky, we proudly said we would not vote a party line, and then proceeded to scream out "take that, bitch!" after every bubble we filled in with our pen, until we were asked to leave because we were disturbing a kindergarten class or something.
Anyway, we've got pretty much nothing to report, since nobody's jumping the gun with any numbers for us to take a look at and scrutinize. This is a bit frustrating, since WE WANT INFO, PEOPLE. COME ON!
But not as frustrating as what happened to South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, who was turned away from the polls and his televised voting this morning because he forgot his voter's registration card and ID. This helps to prove once again that politicians are, in fact, dumber than us.
In these early hours of election day, some voting irregularities have already begun to "disenfranchise" voters, which undoubtedly the Democrats will blame on the Republicans, even though some of the problems include heavy flooding in Washington State (not caused by Republicans - ed.) and one person oversleeping and causing the polls to open five minutes late in Indiana (probably caused by Republicans).
Then there's the case of the poll worker choking a voter in Kentucky, but that's just another day living in that state, we don't think it's any sort of sordid way to stop people from voting.
Also, there's some weird lawsuit going on in Tennessee by a Democratic lawyer whom is claiming that since black people don't do anything until after dark, the polls should stay open later. Seriously, that's not a racist joke on our part.
That's his actual goddamn argument.
But regardless of these problems and quite a few more, we're pretty sure that neither of the two parties are attempting to win a mid-term election with shady actions. They're saving the big guns for 2008, when it will actually matter.
P.S. - No exit poll numbers yet, thank God. Guess people realize how badly they were off last time. Plus, both sides are saying don't trust them, since the Dems are still stinging while the GOP is hoping the numbers aren't correct.
Quick note for all of you unfortunate fucking souls that don't get the day off to vaccuum your undersized apartments and drink cheap beer all day while attempting to find the latest exit poll information and drown yourself in political stupidity; exit pollers hate bloggers.
That's right. We're not getting exit poll information until about 11:00AM CST, which means you'll be out of completely useless and probably falsified data until after your first smoke break of the day. We, however, will be up at the crack of 10:00, since we have to restock the Natural Light and cigarettes before falling onto the couch for an all day blogathon (we made up a word! hooray! - ed.) regarding political theory, current polls, and mostly Xbox.
But fear not, for when we figure out the information that has been passed to us on prison toilet paper, we will create a cypher that is easy for you, our blessed eight readers, to compile in your own brains. If there's something you're looking for and we don't have it, check out Wonkette or Drudge Report. The former is a noted left-leaning blog which gets better info than us, while the Drudge Report is fucking Matt Drudge, so draw your own conclusions.
Until tomorrow...
Sure, we've been out of the loop for a while after going on our hiatus. But we took two days off from our menial labor job to break things down for you today, but most importantly, tomorrow. From our humble beginnings as a truly awful political blog to our current standing is a mildly distracting stupid news site, we've been reading thousands of pages of politial hooey for over two years.
And this evening, we give you the last round of USA Today/Gallup polls, which were found to be so horribly off during last election cycle that we don't know if we can trust them. But it's fun to do so anyway. However, we'll be quick about it, since Seinfeld is coming on TBS in a minute and we bought two four packs of Guiness to finish the day. So here's your breakdown:
Congerssional Races - Democrats lead in five polls, including Ohio and Pennsylvania. But that's not good news for them yet. Even if they take every single one of those, they're still one seat off of a majority. But a nationwide poll shows the Lefties running up on the Righters by a 51-44% majority, meaning little, since only residents of the districts with seats up for election can vote.
Stem Cell Voting - In the Missouri Second Amendment vote which we profiled earlier, we noted Marty McFly (Michael J. Fox, for your non-fans of 80s movies - ed.) and his ads supporting embryonic stem cell research. 74% of people are in support of this, proving again that the GOP doesn't know its people at all.
Overall Thoughts - Too close to call. State-wide elections weren't mentioned in the poll, and each state's gubernatorial elections weren't addressed, but it should be an interesting day tomorrow. We'll be braving the crackheads and muggers to get to our polling place tomorrow when we wake up (say, about noon or so), and we recommend you do the same.
Remember to get drunk afterwards and check in here often, as we will continually update you on the exit poll madness and political speculation that will be going on as soon as the polls open up at 8:00AM. And we'll try to be as impartial in our television viewing as we can by watching CSPAN's coverage. But towards the evening, we'll be drunk enough to be switching to CNN and Fox News, since our minds will require some sensationalism after all the boring shit we've justs watched on the SPAN.
Thanks to everybody's favorite Teen Wolf, Michael J. Fox, and his idiot counterpart, Rush "The Prince of Douchebags" Limbough, stem cell research voting has come to the fore front of an election year again. With both the right saying it's a thing of murder and the left saying that the right are Biblical morons, there isn't much middle ground left.
We at Heart of Darko are turning to the facts and judgements in the case with the hope that you good people of America will come to your own decision about the merits or lack thereof for allowing stem cell research. While our opinion is that of the Star Trek mind (the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few - ed.), there are many differing opinions. Here are some thoughts and issues you must look at if you are in a state where stem cell issues will be voted on tomorrow.
Missouri and the Second Amendment - This anti-cloning petition allows researchers to use stem cells to help create cures of disease, as well as genetic problems, while pretty much saying that any sort of cloning ability is halted.
Wisconsin - Both candidates for Governor are taking different sides on the stem cell case, with Democratic Gov. Jim Doyle supporting stem cell research and his GOP counterpart Mark Green leaning against using embryonic stem cells for research and only allowing adult stem cells to be used, which pretty makes absolutely no sense.
Iowa and Michigan - Same deal as Wisconsin. Democrats say kill the babies, Republicans say kill the adults, blah blah blah.
So there you have it, national voters. We're with Marty McFly. Who are you with?
As we head into the home stretch for the midterm elections, the GOP is squeezing their balls hoping for some out-of-their-ass wins to help win some important gubernatorial elections throughout the nation, including biggies in Texas and California. While candidates in our home state such as Kinky Friedman and Chris Bell are expected to offer current Governor Rick Perry a little less than a whiff at the polls (unfortunately - ed.), it's Arnold Schwarzenegger in Cali who is offering a bright ray of hope for the party, who expects to cruise to a win in the massively Democratic state.
They're encouraged by this fact based on the reality that they will lose many of their stronghold states, including Ohio and New York. But with all of this looking into the future of their party, remember that these are still preliminary polls and thoughts. After all, who would've thought that John Kerry could've fucked up his campaign as badly as he did?
The GOP is hoping that people forget that Schwarzenegger attempted to perform an on-screen abortion of Sarah Conner in Ther Terminator, because man, that could come back to haunt him. That and the whole "Hitler wasn't too bad" thing from his younger years.
A Pittsburgh man proved that humans are capable of anything in the name of pleasure, as he was arrested recently after being found naked on top of a tree stump, pleasuring himself in the cold morning air. But the story gets weirder.
As the police began to question the nude man, he admitted that he had a 6-inch metal punch shoved up his ass, which caused the officers, who had just confirmed that the man was a recently paroled ex-con, to draw their weapons and call the fire department. You know, because firefighters have a month of "pulling things out of people's asses" training.
Regardless, the man sure enough removed a half foot metal awl that was wrapped in electrical tape, which makes us think that he had merely forgot to remove it when he was releases from prison, which could just be an honest mistake. Good luck, naked convict with something shoved up your butt. You'll land on your feet some day.
You'd better go out and enjoy your last free weekend before Monday and Tuesday's absolute barrage of last-minute voting updates, commercials, phone calls, and total media blitz for the mid-term elections on Tuesday, November 7.
Even though this isn't as big as a presidential election year, there are a lot of important things being done, including the possibility of having a complete and total change in power in Congress and some new governors in multiple states, including our own (Texas, for those of you who have not been paying attention these past three years - ed.).
So enjoy your weekend, and trust that we've taken off our regular job on Tuesday to keep you updated about all the fake, false, and way off exit polls throughout the day, as well as live blogging the booze-soaked results evening. If you have any tips or rants between now and election day, feel free to drop us a line or throw up a comment. We'll run them down for you and then make you feel like a retard for evening suggesting as such.
Or we'll promise to give you a present for giving us a good tip, but then never do so, claiming that the Postal Service lost the package. After all, we're stingy little bitches.
A three-foot-tall Dennis the Menace statue worth approximately $30,000 was stolen by unknown suspects from its Montgomery, California, home on Wednesday or Thursday last week. Police currently have no idea who could have walked off with the 125-lb. bronze sculpture, but are offering a $5,000 reward for information leading to its return.
We're expecting Milhouse Van Houten to turn in one Bart Simpson any day now. Also, Judge Harm will probably throw the book at him. Christ we watch too much TV.
NASA announced that they would be pushing 900 million clams into the rescue of the Hubble Space Telescope, which has been failing and would deteriorate by 2010. The mission to save the life of the badass camera will be a go in May 2008, and the massive overhaul would keep the big boy in orbit through 2017.
The news comes as a welcome after many Hubble repair missions were scrapped recently, and it was announced two years ago that instead of fixing it again, the money would be spent to go to Mars, something that President Bush would really like to see, most likely because he saw Mission to Mars and thought how cool it was to have Tim Robbins actually die in space.
We say good show NASA. Hubble has been too grand of a machine to just let die in the cold depths in space. It at least should be put in a large bed on Earth to slowly pass on, possibly in its sleep. And while taking oversized pictures of the crabs that are growing on its nurse's crotch.
Seven funeral directors from outside of New York City and Rochester, New York, have pleaded guilty in a secret hearing on multiple counts from their admittal to having stolen multiple organs from recently deceased people and selling them to organ remittance services for a hefty profit.
Joining them will be a former oral surgeon, who made untold millions of dollars unloading the organs across the country, which infected multiple recipients, mostly because they're not fucking zombies and could not accept the dead tissue.
Included in the case is the director of the funeral home which removed organs from late Masterpiece Theater host Alistair Cooke's body. The district attorney had the right idea when he called the removal of skin, organs and bones from corpses "something out of a cheap horror movie."
Of course, if this were our movie (thank god it's not - ed.), the victims would come back to life to eat and rip apart the seven directors who did this to them. The film would end with Alistair Cooke shoving an oversized leather-bound book down the throat of the owner of the biomedical tissue service. Pure genius. Make us an offer, Hollywood. Make us an offer.
We're sure that by now, you have all heard about the single engine plane that crashed into a Manhattan skyscraper yesterday morning, which killed the two people aboard and raised the New York terror alert to "Holy Godfuck it Happened Again!" But now new reports have come out that have confirmed that it was not only not a terrorist attack, but that the plane was piloted by New York Yankees pitcher Cory Lidle.
"This is a terrible and shocking tragedy that has stunned the entire organization Yankees owner George Steinbrenner said in a statement."
Lidle's passport was found in the street at the scene of the crash, and reports have been confirmed that he was on his way from New York City to California for the off-season.
Our thoughts are with Lidle's family, and even though we detest the Yankees as a baseball team (it's a Texas Rangers fan thing - ed.), as amateur pilots and human beings, we feel awful for something like this to happen to someone who was a fantastically gifted athlete.
A Canadian who was obviously retarded or otherwise mentally challenged decided to steal a loaded beer truck from a liqour store and smash it into another car a few miles away while consuming the frothy lager in the back. After deciding to save a bunch of money on his car insurance by fleeing the scene of the accident, police used a sophisticated tracking method to find the thief.
Edmonton police spokeswoman Karen Carlson said the dog and its handler followed a trail of discarded beer, a cooler, a hand cart and pieces of clothing to a nearby apartment building.
The genius thief was then found trying to escape the apartment by climbing up onto the porch, where he was arrested shirtless and hammered. Gotta love the Canadian spirit; get drunk, get crashed, get drunker.
Just a quick reminder to all you losers who get to sit on the couch all day Saturday and do both jack and shit while picking Fritos out of your belly button - the annual University of Texas/University of Oklahoma Red River Showdown is taking place this weekend mere blocks away from our HQ at Fair Park in Dallas, meaning that because we will, for one, not be attending the game, and two, charging people twenty bucks to park in the HoD headquarter's lot.
If you're in the Dallas area from out of town, the State Fair of Texas is going on afterwards, and then Lower Greenville will be shut down by the police so that the drunks can stumble from bar to bar without fear of getting his by a drunk behind the wheel of his douchebagmobile.
The game's at 2:30PM EST (once gain, 3:30PM for you "Easties" - ed.), so go enjoy watching amateur football at its finest. We'll be doing something else, since we went to Texas A&M and could give two shits who wins... as long as it isn't UT.
Oh yeah, and parking at HQ is 20 bucks. And your car is subject to being stolen at anytime. Fair Park isn't exactly a nice neighborhood.
For those three of you that have been reading the Heart of Darko for the past year, you know of our love for Jewish country singer turned political candidate for Texas governor Kinky Friedman. Well, tonight is the entire world's chance to see Kinky in action, as he live debates the other independent candidate, Carol Strayhorn, who sees herself as "One Tough Grandma" which honestly is stupid. No white grandmother can be tough. Firm, possibly, but not tough.
Anyway, our digression now clears to the listing of television stations in the state of Texas that will be playing this momentous occasion. The list is as follows:
WFAA-TV (Dallas), KHOU-TV (Houston), KENS-TV (San Antonio), KVUE-TV (Austin)
And for those of you reading this in your log cabin somewhere in Washington, hopefully you get cable, because if you do, then you can see Kinky rip up Granny on C-SPAN. So watch it tonight at 7:00PM CST (8:00PM for you East Coast weirdos), and cheer on the Kinkster!
