Topic: Politics
Sure, we've been out of the loop for a while after going on our hiatus. But we took two days off from our menial labor job to break things down for you today, but most importantly, tomorrow. From our humble beginnings as a truly awful political blog to our current standing is a mildly distracting stupid news site, we've been reading thousands of pages of politial hooey for over two years.
And this evening, we give you the last round of USA Today/Gallup polls, which were found to be so horribly off during last election cycle that we don't know if we can trust them. But it's fun to do so anyway. However, we'll be quick about it, since Seinfeld is coming on TBS in a minute and we bought two four packs of Guiness to finish the day. So here's your breakdown:
Congerssional Races - Democrats lead in five polls, including Ohio and Pennsylvania. But that's not good news for them yet. Even if they take every single one of those, they're still one seat off of a majority. But a nationwide poll shows the Lefties running up on the Righters by a 51-44% majority, meaning little, since only residents of the districts with seats up for election can vote.
Stem Cell Voting - In the Missouri Second Amendment vote which we profiled earlier, we noted Marty McFly (Michael J. Fox, for your non-fans of 80s movies - ed.) and his ads supporting embryonic stem cell research. 74% of people are in support of this, proving again that the GOP doesn't know its people at all.
Overall Thoughts - Too close to call. State-wide elections weren't mentioned in the poll, and each state's gubernatorial elections weren't addressed, but it should be an interesting day tomorrow. We'll be braving the crackheads and muggers to get to our polling place tomorrow when we wake up (say, about noon or so), and we recommend you do the same.
Remember to get drunk afterwards and check in here often, as we will continually update you on the exit poll madness and political speculation that will be going on as soon as the polls open up at 8:00AM. And we'll try to be as impartial in our television viewing as we can by watching CSPAN's coverage. But towards the evening, we'll be drunk enough to be switching to CNN and Fox News, since our minds will require some sensationalism after all the boring shit we've justs watched on the SPAN.
Thanks to everybody's favorite Teen Wolf, Michael J. Fox, and his idiot counterpart, Rush "The Prince of Douchebags" Limbough, stem cell research voting has come to the fore front of an election year again. With both the right saying it's a thing of murder and the left saying that the right are Biblical morons, there isn't much middle ground left.
As we head into the home stretch for the midterm elections, the GOP is squeezing their balls hoping for some out-of-their-ass wins to help win some important gubernatorial elections throughout the nation, including biggies in Texas and California. While candidates in our home state such as Kinky Friedman and Chris Bell are expected to offer current Governor Rick Perry a little less than a whiff at the polls (unfortunately - ed.), it's Arnold Schwarzenegger in Cali who is offering a bright ray of hope for the party, who expects to cruise to a win in the massively Democratic state.
A Pittsburgh man proved that humans are capable of anything in the name of pleasure, as he was arrested recently after being found naked on top of a tree stump, pleasuring himself in the cold morning air. But the story gets weirder.
A three-foot-tall Dennis the Menace statue worth approximately $30,000 was stolen by unknown suspects from its Montgomery, California, home on Wednesday or Thursday last week. Police currently have no idea who could have walked off with the 125-lb. bronze sculpture, but are offering a $5,000 reward for information leading to its return.
NASA announced that they would be pushing 900 million clams into the rescue of the Hubble Space Telescope, which has been failing and would deteriorate by 2010. The mission to save the life of the badass camera will be a go in May 2008, and the massive overhaul would keep the big boy in orbit through 2017.
Seven funeral directors from outside of New York City and Rochester, New York, have pleaded guilty in a secret hearing on multiple counts from their admittal to having stolen multiple organs from recently deceased people and selling them to organ remittance services for a hefty profit.
We're sure that by now, you have all heard about the single engine plane that crashed into a Manhattan skyscraper yesterday morning, which killed the two people aboard and raised the New York terror alert to "Holy Godfuck it Happened Again!" But now new reports have come out that have confirmed that it was not only not a terrorist attack, but that the plane was piloted by New York Yankees pitcher Cory Lidle.
A Canadian who was obviously retarded or otherwise mentally challenged decided to steal a loaded beer truck from a liqour store and smash it into another car a few miles away while consuming the frothy lager in the back. After deciding to save a bunch of money on his car insurance by fleeing the scene of the accident, police used a sophisticated tracking method to find the thief.
Just a quick reminder to all you losers who get to sit on the couch all day Saturday and do both jack and shit while picking Fritos out of your belly button - the annual University of Texas/University of Oklahoma Red River Showdown is taking place this weekend mere blocks away from our HQ at Fair Park in Dallas, meaning that because we will, for one, not be attending the game, and two, charging people twenty bucks to park in the HoD headquarter's lot. 
For those three of you that have been reading the Heart of Darko for the past year, you know of our love for Jewish country singer turned political candidate for Texas governor Kinky Friedman. Well, tonight is the entire world's chance to see Kinky in action, as he live debates the other independent candidate, Carol Strayhorn, who sees herself as "One Tough Grandma" which honestly is stupid. No white grandmother can be tough. Firm, possibly, but not tough.
Apparently the animals involved in the multi-pronged attack against the human race have large amounts of money at their disposal, as a team of researchers and scientists are beginning to experiement with crossing bunny and human DNA to create a hybrid embryo. If this is successful, it is only a short period of time before the six foot tall evil rabbit from Donnie Darko becomes real and eats us all. 
The Heart of Darko's Animals vs. Humans series continues today as a report has surfaced from California which tells of violent squirrel attacks on people in the past months. These unprovoked acts of violence have risen to a fever pitch in Mountain View, Cali., where a small boy was acosted by a furry rodent last week, bringing the total of attacks to a "fingers and toes" counting method. And with the recent loss of animal expert Steve "Crocodile Hunter" Irwin at the hands of a sting ray assassin, the world is now looking for a new hero to rise up and quell this rapidly growing series of violence against humans. 
International relations just got a little more informal, as the world's first game of international beach volleyball just recently took place between the United States and Mexico, with the Mex/US border fence being used as the net.
The Chinese Ethnic Minority Games came to a screeching halt after a group of cross-dressing transexuals kicked off mob violence throughout the games, which were meant to celebrate the athleticism of China's 55 different minority groups. After noticing that the winning team in something called the "dragon-boat race" were composed of overly large women with adam's apples as large as their testicles, minority groups from around the country quickly turned the games into a scene of mob violence, proving that America is not the only country that hates cross-dressers.
Just a brief note to all your Dallas Mavericks fans out in cyberland tonight pushing your personal internet through the series of tubes; Dirk Nowitzki has signed his contract extension through the 2010-11 season, meaning that at least for the next five years, our big German isn't going anywhere!
Golfing hall of famer and all around legend Byron Nelson died at the ripe old age of 94 on Tuesday morning. He was found by his wife at his wood-working bench on the back porch, after dying of natural causes.
Since making the comment at the U.N. that Bush is the Devil, multiple columnists, blogs and random people have struck out at Hugo Chavez for opening his fat, dumb mouth. And now comes the political backlash, even from odd sources, such as Democratic insane-monger Nancy Pelosi.
When West Virginian Allen Snyder lost his garden gnome, at first he thought it was a simple case of thievery. However, Snyder has been receiving multiple letters from "Gnomey," who has been traveling the country lately, and now even made it to the Pittsburg Steelers football game this past Monday. He still seems to hold a grudge against Snyder for not taking him anywhere.