Cindy Sheehan Desperately Clings to Celebrity Status; Calls McCain a "War-monger"
Topic: National News

Before anybody brings it up, we are fully aware that even though we think she's a fool who's soiling her son's honorable name, we're helping keep her in the news. However, we're entitled to, because dammit, we're just trying to keep up our readership here. It's not like we're friggin' FoxNews or something.

But back to the story.

Cindy Sheehan met with John McCain today during her tour of Congressional meetings trying to rally support to bring home the troops immediately from Iraq. While she will, of course, fail miserably, she has energized the jobless morons across the country who have worn their Birkenstocks down to the soles while following Sheehan around as she is carted from rally to rally in donated luxury.

But back to the story again.

The McCain meeting did not go well for Sheehan. She had this to say after leaving, which will only strengthen her credibility:

"He is a warmonger, and I'm not."

We think there should be a requirement that stupid people should not be given air time. That includes all the hurricane evacuees who cannot understand why their house washed away even though it was built in the 1840's below fucking sea level.

But back to the story for a third time.

McCain did not have much of a sunnier disposition after leaving the meeting either.

"She's entitled to her opinion. We just have fundamental disagreements."

Apparently Sheehan also lied about things that McCain did not say regarding his opinion of the President and other such crap, but we're tired of this woman, we give her the finger and look for more cheerful, non-opportunistic news.


USA TODAY (where REAL Americans go for news)

Tom DeLay Indicted on Conspiracy Issues; Prepare for Non-Stop Media Coverage
Topic: National News

House Majority Leader Tom DeLay was indicted today in a federal probe investigating alleged campaign finance conspiracy along with two other of his associates. He stepped down today temporarily in order to beat the Democrat's outcry of him stepping down.

“I have notified the speaker that I will temporarily step aside from my position as majority leader pursuant to rules of the House Republican Conference and the actions of the Travis County district attorney today,” DeLay said.

With a possible sentence that would carry two years if convicted, DeLay will undoubtedly face the toughest mud-slinging from politicians and the media, who need something else to go after the GOP for after the Bush administration took care of their shit during Hurricane Rita. Of course, DeLay's attorneys and spokesmen are claiming this as politically motivated, but what else is new? Wasn't that the excuse that Clinton gave for the bj?


MSNBC

Cartoon of the Day! Milking it for Everything it's Worth
Topic: Political Cartoons

Now that even The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, the refuge on Comedy Central that has turned into a massive liberabl bitchfest in which many of the show's anchors and producers use sometimes damn funny comedy to spill their own politics and ideologies into the mainstream while pretending they're being "groundbreaking," has begun to attack activist Cindy Sheehan as the idiot/oportunistic jerkoff that she is, it's only right that we post up this cartoon from Gary Varvel. Pretty much describes how we think everyone in America feels now. Thanks Gary!

Mis-Managed News Roundup!
Topic: World News

Ex-FEMA Chief Michael Brown blames slow response on Louisiana. Of course dude, they had just been hit by a hurricane, so what did you expect? MSNBC

John G. Roberts looks like a shoe-in for Chief Justice SCOTUS. Personally, even the Dems seem to like him, so they're waiting to focus their hatred on the next person Bush chooses to replace Sandra Day O'Connor. NBC

The U.S. military killed the number two guy in charge of Al-Qaeda in Iraq. Everyone starts hunting for scrap metal to fortify their tents for the next wave of suicide bombings. AP

Cocaine is killing other things besides yuppy douchebags who spill drinks on our slacks. Too bad too. The douchebags were enough. AP

Democratic Senator Robert Byrd announced he will run for the ninth time for the seat he has held since 1958. No one really gives a fuck. YAHOO! NEWS

California Doctors Take Payola for Saudi National's Liver Transplant
Topic: National News

California doctors working in the state's largest transplant clinic have just been discovered as taking bribes from a wealthy Saudi national to move him to the top of the waiting list to receive a healthy liver, when in actuality, he was ranked 52. The two doctors in charge of the program and procedure, which took place in Saudi Arabia, are no longer with the hospital, probably having retired off of their payoff money years ago.

"The idea of moving one patient above another for other than medical reasons is "totally unconscionable," said Dr. Douglas Hanto, chief of the transplant division at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center in Boston. "It's wrong unequivocally."

Well good to know that not every doctor is a sell-out, despite the fact that surgeons already make disgusting amounts of money. We read that a human kidney can fetch $16,000 in Brazil. Now we're just thinking about how much that would be for a fresh liver... that might be slightly poached from vodka.


LA TIMES

God Help Us, Say It Isn't So; Ben Affleck to Run for Political Office

While there has been no official word, there doesn't need to be. The fact that the rumor has begun already makes us want to punch a baby. While Affleck is known for his classic films such as Reindeer Games and Surviving Christmas, as well as portraying a block of wood in Pearl Harbor, he is perhaps best known as J.Lo's former fiancee and walking joke.

But we digress. Word on the street is that Affleck is looking to take on GOP hot young stud Senator George Allen now that former Virginia Governor Mark Warner has dropped out of contention for the Senatorial position.

It was about that time that party officials started batting Affleck's name around. "It's spread pretty widely, at least in the political underground," University of Virginia professor Larry Sabato, Virginia's premier pundit, told Michael Shear, The Post's Richmond correspondent.

God we just threw up in our mouth a bit. But at least we have a denial, because Affleck is too busy ruining Harlin Coben's great book "Gone, Baby, Gone" for Walt Disney.


WASHINGTON POST

Bush Looks to Tap Oil Reserve's Ass, Beats Democrats to Punch; Dems Not Sure What to Bitch About Next
Topic: National News

President Bush is once again looking to tap the federal oil reserve with the intention of relieving the economic pain pressure caused by this weekend's near non-storm Rita. And you can mostly thank Houstonites for that, as there are still probably a couple of thousand mommy mobiles stuck on the side of Interstate 45 because they ran out of fuel about eight miles outside of town.

“A lot of our production comes from the Gulf and when you have a Hurricane Katrina followed by a Hurricane Rita, it’s natural, unfortunately, that it’s going to affect supplies,” Bush said after a briefing at the Energy Department.

“It’s important for our people to know that we understand the situation and we’re willing to use the Strategic Petroleum Reserve to mitigate any shortfall in crude oil that could affect our consumers.”

Bush has also said that the rebuilding process will being when community leaders let the federal government know what they want their communities to look like. So expect something from the Jetsens, because there ain't no hurricanes in space.


MSNBC

Opportunistic Mother Arrested in D.C.; Laughs While Being Carried Away
Topic: National News

For those who thought Cindy Sheehan was just a mother making a point, the days of this have passed, for the mother who is using her son's name to further her own was arrested in Washington D.C. earlier today for failing to listen to the police after they asked her to move three times. Under United States law, a demonstration in front of the White House must be in movement.

Dozens of anti-war, pro-fame protesters didn't care, as they sat down on the sidewalk of Pennsylvania Ave., causing traffic backups and problems for anyone who worked in the surrounding area. After asking three times for them to move along because it would be against the law to fail to do so, the D.C. police reacted, arresting Sheehan first (she was leading the "sit-in") and then arresting many more protesters.

Sheehan shrieked "the whole world is watching" while being carried away and smiling and laughing, which pretty much just made her lose all credibility she had that wasn't tired to ignorant hippies and others that smell of sweaty feet. This is the second arrest in a week for the Sheehan group, including that of a planner who was taken into custody for not filling out the paperwork to have a loudspeaker demonstration in front of the White House.

Of course, Sheehan will never go away. She's tasted the sweet nectar of fame and wants more. Bill Maher told her he respected her. Wow! Bill Maher! And Michael Moore! Now if she can only get Sean Penn up her ass too, that's the trifecta right there.


MSNBC

John Kerry and the Non-Amazing Race

We had to create a special category just for this story. While Sean Penn should've justified this subject/topic already, we have given him too much of our valuable and waning brain power, so we begin here with the 2004 John Kerry presidential campaign. Kerry, desperate for publicity, allowed anyone possible to film his rise to mediocrity. Whether it be Nancy Pelosi's daughter Alexandra (who herself had a mediocre documentary, "Diary of a Political Tourist" - ed.), Michael Moore or Steve Rosenbaum.

The Kerry camp now appears to be kicking their own asses for allowing Rosenbaum to film their inner sanctum, as Lloyd Grove and the NY Daily News have discovered that the finished film, Inside the Bubble is anything but flattering to the campaign, its workers and the elitist prick himself. This is directly from the film's press notes:

"The film turns a harsh but deeply revealing mirror on the campaign ... a disorganized, contentious, self-absorbed team that thought they could win by 'not making mistakes,' and keeping their candidate in the public eye without clarifying a position on anything."

But Kerry's people, including four time loser Robert Shrum and Kerry mouthpiece David Wade are having none of it, even though Rosenbaum was a Kerry supporter who campaigned for the Senator throughout the election.

"The 20 poor souls subjected to this movie will be reaching for caffeine and begging for old Lamar Alexander tapes on C-Span 2. Michael Moore has nothing to fear. I think the working title was 'The Snore Room,'" Wade said.

It might just be us, but isn't this statement critical of the Kerry campaign? They really were as boring in real life as everyone imagined them to be? Good job Wade. Got your PR degree at Johnson's School of Auto Detailing, did you?

We'll have to see what the advanced word is, but apparently this movie is full of good clips of Kerry being an idiot, Hillary Clinton constantly making fun of Frankenstein during his stump speeches and tons of other stuff that we'd like to see. Let's just hope it's better than Bush's Brain, because THAT was a boring film.


NY DAILY NEWS - LOWDOWN

Hurricane Rita Aftermath; One Big Back-Patting Sissy
Topic: Texas News

After a week of speculation from everyone in the media about the imminent threat from Hurricane Rita to south Houston, the powerful storm came into land with force 3 winds and wound up not doing much of a damn thing to Texas. While some buildings were ruined and there was flooding in Port Arthur, it was all a relatively small affair.

While coverage of Rita and back-slapping still takes place on cable news networks, it was Fox News who had the most outlandish coverage. While many other organizations stuck their personnel behind or inside buildings, Shepard Smith rode out the storm clutching a microphone in one hand and a parking pole in the other while looking away from the wind as his facial skin twisted and he lost what must be a record five Fox News hats.

So what it all boiled down to was a lot of spent gas and stranded people, ending with some winds and rain that mostly went back into Louisiana. But not to worry! We're sure there's another hurricane heading into the gulf as we speak, because this one didn't work out for Bush, and since Rove conjures up the hurricanes in his warlock lair, you know they've got another one up their sleeve.

Peace and Rain
Topic: Housekeeping

Hope everybody out there has a great weekend. We're out of here until Monday, caring for our Hurricane Rita evacuees and drinking massive quantities of Schlitz. Next week we'll have the entire recap of the hurricane, including our experience. Perhaps we'll even live blog the thing on Sunday, but that would take time out of our football watching, so who knows? See you next week!

JetBlue Passengers Watched Own Airplane's Emergency Landing on TV; No Word on Whether Any Tried to Wave at Themselves
Topic: National News

By now, everyone has heard about the JetBlue emergency landing that took place yesterday. If not, then get the hell off of this web site and go read a friggin' paper you lazy bastard. What you will not read in the paper, however, is that JetBlue passengers, who always have the privilege of watching a choice of 36 channels during their flight, were able to watch the breaking news of their own flight's problems as they were experiencing them.

"It was absolutely terrifying, actually. Seeing the events broadcast made it completely surreal and detached me from the event," said Zachary Mastoon, a musician heading home on the Burbank-to-New York flight. "It became this television show I was inextricably linked to. It was no longer my situation, it was broadcast for everyone to see. It only exacerbated the situation and my fear."

And there you have it. Granted, the TVs were turned off as they made their final descent, but still... pretty funky shit. The picture to the left was a seatback with the news clip that the aforementioned Mastoon took with his digital camera.

"I think on balance people were not upset," said Howard Averill, chief financial officer for NBC-Universal Television, who was traveling to a meeting in New York.

Even so, he said, some passengers would pull off their headphones after disturbing bits of news "with just that look of, I think I've heard enough."

Another television executive on board, New York-based Todd Schwartz, said the captain and the crew were straightforward in explaining the situation to passengers, but TV offered more facts.

"You need to have the captain focusing on the task at hand and not just informing us," he said.

Why is there always a TV executive around whenever breaking news happens on television? These guys are the most opportunistic sons of bitches ever. We bet they've just got TV executives everywhere just waiting around for some shit to happen so they can get quoted on TV, thusly creating an uncomfortable tear in the space-time continuum before the executive disappears completely because he came into contact with himself or something like that.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Roberts In, Judiciary Committee Down, Time for the Senate, Where Idiots Shine
Topic: Politics

The Senate Judiciary Committee voted 13-5 to approve the nomination of John G. Roberts as the next Chief Justice of SCOTUS. We'll see how things continue to go, but it looks like he'll sail through the Senate vote next week after Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton and John Kerry get their sound bites in.


ABCNEWS.COM

Rita to Cause $50 Billion in Damage to Houston?
Topic: Texas News

It's early to speculate, but new models are showing upwards of $50 billion in damages to the greater Houston area with the landfall of Hurricane Rita. As we speak, one evacuee sleeps in our bed surrounded by our cats and dog, while our brother makes his way north in the retarded traffic out of Houston. Current drive time between Houston and Dallas is over 13 hours.

But back to the devastation. We'll let the actual experts describe it, since we can be kind of glib.

"Unfortunately, we're looking at massive devastation," said Roy Dodson, president of the engineering firm Dodson & Associates.

Oops. Oh yes, and there will be a possible 20 foot wall of water that will pretty much ruin the chemical facilities, sewage treatment plants, and natural water ducts of the city. We hope everyone has left, and for those of you that remain, good luck. We'll try to live blog the hurricane as best as possible from Dallas, but with two extra mid-20s guys in our apartment, who are we kidding. We're gonna be drunk.


HOUSTON CHRONICLE

Greatest. Photochop. Ever.
Topic: Stupidity

Just to be clear, we did not make this. A friend did. And it is funny, if everyone stops thinking all politically correct. And damn him, because he's getting the dry cleaning bill for my urine stained pants.

Talk Show Host in Netherlands to Do Drugs on Air, Thus Creating the Most Boring TV Show Ever
Topic: World News

A Dutch talk show host on the program "Swallow and Shoot Up," is planning on taking heroin, LSD and binge drinking to help him "connect" to younger viewers during interviews. We believe this is just a man who enjoys drugs and booze and doesn't want to stop while he's on the job.

So of course, we're jealous that we won't get to watch this half hour snooze-fest, but we're going to be busy driving pencils into our eyes and punching babies, which will probably be made into a Dutch TV program.

However, we are interested in getting our hands on the Dutch show "This is How You Screw," which was produced by the same network as S&SU. Apparently, their sex educations programs are much better than the ones we have in Texas, where middle aged Vietnamese science teachers scream at you and "penii" and "vajine" until you're so thoroughly confused you're not even aroused anymore.


THE AMERICAN CHRONICLE

Sen. Leahy Shocks Senators, Says He Will Vote to Confirm Roberts; Dems Still Sad
Topic: Politics

Senator Patrick Leahy, the top Democrat on the Senate Judiciary Committee, announced today to Congress that he is going to vote for confirmation of John G. Roberts as the new Chief Justice of SCOTUS during tomorrow's vote. While lunatics like Evan Bayh (possible Pres. candidate), Teddy Kennedy (walking joke) and Hillary Clinton (a man, possible Pres. candidate) have all continued to get their names in the paper, Leahy's announcement of support has pretty much all but solidified that Roberts' nomination will be confirmed.

Now on to the Sandra Day O'Connor replacement. While everyone is thinking "chick," remember that Roberts was O'Connor's original replacement, therefore meaning that the choice is completely open. We're also betting that Bush chooses a more centrist to fill the slot, since he's already getting himself a Chief Justice out of the deal. Hell, Slick Willy didn't even get one of those!


MSNBC

EMERGENCY! EVACUATE HOUSTON! BUT DON'T COME TO DALLAS!
Topic: Texas News

Sucks to be an evacuee from New Orleans right now. Instead of being able to move back to your homes and try to salvage what is left of your belongings, you're now being moved out of Houston and up to Dallas because of the second Category 4 hurricane in less than a month that is going to beat the living crap out of the gulf coast.

Yes, Rita was upgraded this morning, and with landfall still two days away, there still remains the high probability that it will become a Category 945 by Saturday morning when it comes ashore to wipe out Galveston. Buses are already taking out residents from the coastal town after word from Homeland Security Director Michael Chertoff came down pleading with people to avoid another Katrina. Some TV stations and meteorologists in the area have predicted that the island of Galveston will actually be completely wiped out by a Category 5 hurricane.

So what have we learned? People are idiots. For those that remain in Houston *cough, our brother, cough* get the hell off of our lawn when you ain't got no home on Monday.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Cartoon of the Day! Apparently Bush is God... Who Knew?
Topic: Political Cartoons

Now that we have talk of another hurricane striking the Gulf of Mexico, it's going to be interesting to see exactly where the MSM and Democrats will go with the blame of people not evacuating their homes (p.s., we've had many friends in Houston and Galveston refuse to leave their shit, so it ain't POTUS's fault - ed.). We're guessing they'll use the term "federal government," which of course, translates to "President Bush."

So why do this? Because they're trying to prove themselves right. John Kerry is still trying to mount an attack on the Pres, but no one gives two shits. Al Sharpton has finally shut up, and now even Michael Moore and lover Cindy Sheehan are gone too. So today we turn to newcomer (to here at least) Marie Woolf of Cagle Cartoons to shed some humor on the subject of hurricanes and playing God with the weather. Thanks Marie!

Hurricane Naming Center Running Out of Monikers!
Topic: National News

2005 has seen such a large rush of Atlantic tropical storms that the Hurricane Center only has four names left for this season, with nearly a month and a half left to go. So far, we have had 18 of the projected 21, but possible other predictions are pointing for numbers possibly in the mid 20s.

"The August update to Atlantic hurricane season outlook called for 18 to 21, so I would hope it doesn't go any higher than that, but it's a possibility," Frank Lepore, spokesman for the Hurricane Center said.

So start thinking about other possible names when we go over the number and switch to the shitty Greek names. We're suggesting names like "Ass-Raper" and "Bitch," because that's what these storms have been. Thank God we live in Texas. What's that? Hurricane Rita's going to hit Texas? And travel up into NORTH TEXAS? SONUVABITCH!


SPACE.COM via YAHOO! NEWS

NATIONAL HURRICANE CENTER