Bush Looks to Tap Oil Reserve's Ass, Beats Democrats to Punch; Dems Not Sure What to Bitch About Next
Topic: National News

President Bush is once again looking to tap the federal oil reserve with the intention of relieving the economic pain pressure caused by this weekend's near non-storm Rita. And you can mostly thank Houstonites for that, as there are still probably a couple of thousand mommy mobiles stuck on the side of Interstate 45 because they ran out of fuel about eight miles outside of town.

“A lot of our production comes from the Gulf and when you have a Hurricane Katrina followed by a Hurricane Rita, it’s natural, unfortunately, that it’s going to affect supplies,” Bush said after a briefing at the Energy Department.

“It’s important for our people to know that we understand the situation and we’re willing to use the Strategic Petroleum Reserve to mitigate any shortfall in crude oil that could affect our consumers.”

Bush has also said that the rebuilding process will being when community leaders let the federal government know what they want their communities to look like. So expect something from the Jetsens, because there ain't no hurricanes in space.


MSNBC

Opportunistic Mother Arrested in D.C.; Laughs While Being Carried Away
Topic: National News

For those who thought Cindy Sheehan was just a mother making a point, the days of this have passed, for the mother who is using her son's name to further her own was arrested in Washington D.C. earlier today for failing to listen to the police after they asked her to move three times. Under United States law, a demonstration in front of the White House must be in movement.

Dozens of anti-war, pro-fame protesters didn't care, as they sat down on the sidewalk of Pennsylvania Ave., causing traffic backups and problems for anyone who worked in the surrounding area. After asking three times for them to move along because it would be against the law to fail to do so, the D.C. police reacted, arresting Sheehan first (she was leading the "sit-in") and then arresting many more protesters.

Sheehan shrieked "the whole world is watching" while being carried away and smiling and laughing, which pretty much just made her lose all credibility she had that wasn't tired to ignorant hippies and others that smell of sweaty feet. This is the second arrest in a week for the Sheehan group, including that of a planner who was taken into custody for not filling out the paperwork to have a loudspeaker demonstration in front of the White House.

Of course, Sheehan will never go away. She's tasted the sweet nectar of fame and wants more. Bill Maher told her he respected her. Wow! Bill Maher! And Michael Moore! Now if she can only get Sean Penn up her ass too, that's the trifecta right there.


MSNBC

John Kerry and the Non-Amazing Race

We had to create a special category just for this story. While Sean Penn should've justified this subject/topic already, we have given him too much of our valuable and waning brain power, so we begin here with the 2004 John Kerry presidential campaign. Kerry, desperate for publicity, allowed anyone possible to film his rise to mediocrity. Whether it be Nancy Pelosi's daughter Alexandra (who herself had a mediocre documentary, "Diary of a Political Tourist" - ed.), Michael Moore or Steve Rosenbaum.

The Kerry camp now appears to be kicking their own asses for allowing Rosenbaum to film their inner sanctum, as Lloyd Grove and the NY Daily News have discovered that the finished film, Inside the Bubble is anything but flattering to the campaign, its workers and the elitist prick himself. This is directly from the film's press notes:

"The film turns a harsh but deeply revealing mirror on the campaign ... a disorganized, contentious, self-absorbed team that thought they could win by 'not making mistakes,' and keeping their candidate in the public eye without clarifying a position on anything."

But Kerry's people, including four time loser Robert Shrum and Kerry mouthpiece David Wade are having none of it, even though Rosenbaum was a Kerry supporter who campaigned for the Senator throughout the election.

"The 20 poor souls subjected to this movie will be reaching for caffeine and begging for old Lamar Alexander tapes on C-Span 2. Michael Moore has nothing to fear. I think the working title was 'The Snore Room,'" Wade said.

It might just be us, but isn't this statement critical of the Kerry campaign? They really were as boring in real life as everyone imagined them to be? Good job Wade. Got your PR degree at Johnson's School of Auto Detailing, did you?

We'll have to see what the advanced word is, but apparently this movie is full of good clips of Kerry being an idiot, Hillary Clinton constantly making fun of Frankenstein during his stump speeches and tons of other stuff that we'd like to see. Let's just hope it's better than Bush's Brain, because THAT was a boring film.


NY DAILY NEWS - LOWDOWN

Hurricane Rita Aftermath; One Big Back-Patting Sissy
Topic: Texas News

After a week of speculation from everyone in the media about the imminent threat from Hurricane Rita to south Houston, the powerful storm came into land with force 3 winds and wound up not doing much of a damn thing to Texas. While some buildings were ruined and there was flooding in Port Arthur, it was all a relatively small affair.

While coverage of Rita and back-slapping still takes place on cable news networks, it was Fox News who had the most outlandish coverage. While many other organizations stuck their personnel behind or inside buildings, Shepard Smith rode out the storm clutching a microphone in one hand and a parking pole in the other while looking away from the wind as his facial skin twisted and he lost what must be a record five Fox News hats.

So what it all boiled down to was a lot of spent gas and stranded people, ending with some winds and rain that mostly went back into Louisiana. But not to worry! We're sure there's another hurricane heading into the gulf as we speak, because this one didn't work out for Bush, and since Rove conjures up the hurricanes in his warlock lair, you know they've got another one up their sleeve.

Peace and Rain
Topic: Housekeeping

Hope everybody out there has a great weekend. We're out of here until Monday, caring for our Hurricane Rita evacuees and drinking massive quantities of Schlitz. Next week we'll have the entire recap of the hurricane, including our experience. Perhaps we'll even live blog the thing on Sunday, but that would take time out of our football watching, so who knows? See you next week!

JetBlue Passengers Watched Own Airplane's Emergency Landing on TV; No Word on Whether Any Tried to Wave at Themselves
Topic: National News

By now, everyone has heard about the JetBlue emergency landing that took place yesterday. If not, then get the hell off of this web site and go read a friggin' paper you lazy bastard. What you will not read in the paper, however, is that JetBlue passengers, who always have the privilege of watching a choice of 36 channels during their flight, were able to watch the breaking news of their own flight's problems as they were experiencing them.

"It was absolutely terrifying, actually. Seeing the events broadcast made it completely surreal and detached me from the event," said Zachary Mastoon, a musician heading home on the Burbank-to-New York flight. "It became this television show I was inextricably linked to. It was no longer my situation, it was broadcast for everyone to see. It only exacerbated the situation and my fear."

And there you have it. Granted, the TVs were turned off as they made their final descent, but still... pretty funky shit. The picture to the left was a seatback with the news clip that the aforementioned Mastoon took with his digital camera.

"I think on balance people were not upset," said Howard Averill, chief financial officer for NBC-Universal Television, who was traveling to a meeting in New York.

Even so, he said, some passengers would pull off their headphones after disturbing bits of news "with just that look of, I think I've heard enough."

Another television executive on board, New York-based Todd Schwartz, said the captain and the crew were straightforward in explaining the situation to passengers, but TV offered more facts.

"You need to have the captain focusing on the task at hand and not just informing us," he said.

Why is there always a TV executive around whenever breaking news happens on television? These guys are the most opportunistic sons of bitches ever. We bet they've just got TV executives everywhere just waiting around for some shit to happen so they can get quoted on TV, thusly creating an uncomfortable tear in the space-time continuum before the executive disappears completely because he came into contact with himself or something like that.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Roberts In, Judiciary Committee Down, Time for the Senate, Where Idiots Shine
Topic: Politics

The Senate Judiciary Committee voted 13-5 to approve the nomination of John G. Roberts as the next Chief Justice of SCOTUS. We'll see how things continue to go, but it looks like he'll sail through the Senate vote next week after Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton and John Kerry get their sound bites in.


ABCNEWS.COM

Rita to Cause $50 Billion in Damage to Houston?
Topic: Texas News

It's early to speculate, but new models are showing upwards of $50 billion in damages to the greater Houston area with the landfall of Hurricane Rita. As we speak, one evacuee sleeps in our bed surrounded by our cats and dog, while our brother makes his way north in the retarded traffic out of Houston. Current drive time between Houston and Dallas is over 13 hours.

But back to the devastation. We'll let the actual experts describe it, since we can be kind of glib.

"Unfortunately, we're looking at massive devastation," said Roy Dodson, president of the engineering firm Dodson & Associates.

Oops. Oh yes, and there will be a possible 20 foot wall of water that will pretty much ruin the chemical facilities, sewage treatment plants, and natural water ducts of the city. We hope everyone has left, and for those of you that remain, good luck. We'll try to live blog the hurricane as best as possible from Dallas, but with two extra mid-20s guys in our apartment, who are we kidding. We're gonna be drunk.


HOUSTON CHRONICLE

Greatest. Photochop. Ever.
Topic: Stupidity

Just to be clear, we did not make this. A friend did. And it is funny, if everyone stops thinking all politically correct. And damn him, because he's getting the dry cleaning bill for my urine stained pants.

Talk Show Host in Netherlands to Do Drugs on Air, Thus Creating the Most Boring TV Show Ever
Topic: World News

A Dutch talk show host on the program "Swallow and Shoot Up," is planning on taking heroin, LSD and binge drinking to help him "connect" to younger viewers during interviews. We believe this is just a man who enjoys drugs and booze and doesn't want to stop while he's on the job.

So of course, we're jealous that we won't get to watch this half hour snooze-fest, but we're going to be busy driving pencils into our eyes and punching babies, which will probably be made into a Dutch TV program.

However, we are interested in getting our hands on the Dutch show "This is How You Screw," which was produced by the same network as S&SU. Apparently, their sex educations programs are much better than the ones we have in Texas, where middle aged Vietnamese science teachers scream at you and "penii" and "vajine" until you're so thoroughly confused you're not even aroused anymore.


THE AMERICAN CHRONICLE

Sen. Leahy Shocks Senators, Says He Will Vote to Confirm Roberts; Dems Still Sad
Topic: Politics

Senator Patrick Leahy, the top Democrat on the Senate Judiciary Committee, announced today to Congress that he is going to vote for confirmation of John G. Roberts as the new Chief Justice of SCOTUS during tomorrow's vote. While lunatics like Evan Bayh (possible Pres. candidate), Teddy Kennedy (walking joke) and Hillary Clinton (a man, possible Pres. candidate) have all continued to get their names in the paper, Leahy's announcement of support has pretty much all but solidified that Roberts' nomination will be confirmed.

Now on to the Sandra Day O'Connor replacement. While everyone is thinking "chick," remember that Roberts was O'Connor's original replacement, therefore meaning that the choice is completely open. We're also betting that Bush chooses a more centrist to fill the slot, since he's already getting himself a Chief Justice out of the deal. Hell, Slick Willy didn't even get one of those!


MSNBC

EMERGENCY! EVACUATE HOUSTON! BUT DON'T COME TO DALLAS!
Topic: Texas News

Sucks to be an evacuee from New Orleans right now. Instead of being able to move back to your homes and try to salvage what is left of your belongings, you're now being moved out of Houston and up to Dallas because of the second Category 4 hurricane in less than a month that is going to beat the living crap out of the gulf coast.

Yes, Rita was upgraded this morning, and with landfall still two days away, there still remains the high probability that it will become a Category 945 by Saturday morning when it comes ashore to wipe out Galveston. Buses are already taking out residents from the coastal town after word from Homeland Security Director Michael Chertoff came down pleading with people to avoid another Katrina. Some TV stations and meteorologists in the area have predicted that the island of Galveston will actually be completely wiped out by a Category 5 hurricane.

So what have we learned? People are idiots. For those that remain in Houston *cough, our brother, cough* get the hell off of our lawn when you ain't got no home on Monday.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Cartoon of the Day! Apparently Bush is God... Who Knew?
Topic: Political Cartoons

Now that we have talk of another hurricane striking the Gulf of Mexico, it's going to be interesting to see exactly where the MSM and Democrats will go with the blame of people not evacuating their homes (p.s., we've had many friends in Houston and Galveston refuse to leave their shit, so it ain't POTUS's fault - ed.). We're guessing they'll use the term "federal government," which of course, translates to "President Bush."

So why do this? Because they're trying to prove themselves right. John Kerry is still trying to mount an attack on the Pres, but no one gives two shits. Al Sharpton has finally shut up, and now even Michael Moore and lover Cindy Sheehan are gone too. So today we turn to newcomer (to here at least) Marie Woolf of Cagle Cartoons to shed some humor on the subject of hurricanes and playing God with the weather. Thanks Marie!

Hurricane Naming Center Running Out of Monikers!
Topic: National News

2005 has seen such a large rush of Atlantic tropical storms that the Hurricane Center only has four names left for this season, with nearly a month and a half left to go. So far, we have had 18 of the projected 21, but possible other predictions are pointing for numbers possibly in the mid 20s.

"The August update to Atlantic hurricane season outlook called for 18 to 21, so I would hope it doesn't go any higher than that, but it's a possibility," Frank Lepore, spokesman for the Hurricane Center said.

So start thinking about other possible names when we go over the number and switch to the shitty Greek names. We're suggesting names like "Ass-Raper" and "Bitch," because that's what these storms have been. Thank God we live in Texas. What's that? Hurricane Rita's going to hit Texas? And travel up into NORTH TEXAS? SONUVABITCH!


SPACE.COM via YAHOO! NEWS

NATIONAL HURRICANE CENTER

President Clinton Becomes Prophylactic
Topic: World News

Chinese scientists have received the right to name their two newest products the Kelitun and Laiwensiji, meaning in English, "Clinton and Lewinsky." The product? Rubbers.

So how many Clinton condoms can you get for roughly four bucks? 12. Monica Lewinsky is a skank, so you can get get 12 of her for only three dollars. No word on whether or not we will ever see this condoms in America... or eBay for that matter.


SKY NEWS

Opportunistic Mother Can't File Paperwork
Topic: Stupidity

Cindy Sheehan was cut short and a rally organizer was arrested in NYC for not filing the proper paperwork to use loudspeakers on city streets. The hippies in the audience then proceeded to harang the police officers and chant "let her speak," as if President Bush had personally called the NYPD and asked for the protest to be shut down.

Someone please just give Sheehan the book deal she's looking for so we don't have to hear anymore about her. We're tired of this dumb skank trampling all over her son's good name for her own personal fortune.


MSNBC

New Orleans Residents Learn Squat From... NEW ORLEANS???
Topic: National News

With Hurricane Rita scheduled to pass through the Florida Keys today and head towards the Gulf of Mexico, Houston and New Orleans by this weekend, the question remains whether or not New Orleans residents are smart enough to stop coming back to their critically wounded city... and the answer appears to be "no."

Even though N'awlins mayor Ray Nagin gave in to Presidential and Federal requests not to reopen the city to residents who were evacuated, there seems to be a growing dissent on whether or not residents of the underwater capital of America should be allowed to return to their ravaged homes. Any person With some semblance of intelligence would see that this is a really, really bad idea. So bad, in fact, that even the President sees it as bad!

And not only has Mayor Nagin said he didn't want to halt the return, but he attacked the federal leaders in charge of rescuing what is left of the city. This seems slightly hypocritical after Nagin refused to evacuate or prepare the city for the worst... even after being begged to do so by the U.S. Government.

“The citizens of New Orleans deserve the opportunity to see what they have left and what they can salvage,” Nagin told Fox News in response to warnings from the federal official in charge in New Orleans, Coast Guard Vice Adm. Thad Allen.

“I’m a little surprised the admiral came out publicly on this,” he added. “Maybe since I’ve been away a day or two, maybe he’s the new crowned federal mayor of New Orleans.”

Bush, however, showed his usual knack for not being able to speak off of a TelePrompTer With his response.

“We want this city to re-emerge. As I said, I can’t imagine America without a vibrant New Orleans. It’s just a matter of timing,” Bush said. “We’re cautious about encouraging people to return at this moment of history.”

“We have made our position loud and clear,” Bush said. “The mayor is working hard. The mayor — you know, he’s got this dream about having a city up and running, and we share that dream. But we also want to be realistic about some of the hurdles and obstacles that we all confront in repopulating New Orleans.”

So who will emerge as right? Well, we'll have to see just how destructive the next hurricane will become. Then it's up to the weather gods and the spin doctors.


MSNBC

PREVIOUSLY: North Carolina Residents Learn Squat From New Orleans

Chicago Train Going 60 MPH Over "Speed Limit;" We Drank a Lot This Weekend, But Don't Remember Going to Drive a Train...
Topic: National News

The Chicago passenger train that derailed Saturday, killing two, was found to have been going 59 miles per hour faster than it should have been right before jumping the tracks. At the interchange where the wheels left the track, the train was traveling at 69 miles per hour, instead of the 10 it was supposed have been moving at.

We concede that driving a passenger train is not an easy thing to do, but a difference of nearly 60 miles per hour is not an easy thing to achieve unless one is completely smashed on Vicodin and tequila. The conductor is currently on "trauma leave" pending an investigation, which will uncover exactly what he was stoned on.


MSNBC

North Korea Agrees to Nuke Deal! Kim Jong Il Must Have Seen Team America: World Police
Topic: World News

In what is being called a historic treaty, North Korea has agreed to halt their nuclear weapons program and allow U.S. and U.N. inspectors into the country to lift trade sanctions in the struggling nation. Instead of using uni-lateral techniques and lots of, as Bush calls them, "big words," the six country diplomatic talks finally worked for the best, with secretaries from the multiple countries calling for an immediate stop to the nuclear process.

“Now there's a way forward and part of the way forward is for the North Koreans to understand we're serious about this and that we expect there to be a verifiable process," President Bush told reporters.

Now, of course, is the hardest part of the deal; confirming the shutdown of the program. North Koreans are notoriously dodgy (or so we've heard) when it comes to giving up power. Maybe we'll just make them read Alas, Babylon and see if they finally get it. Seriously, that book is like a screwed up version of Mad Max.


MSNBC

We Suck; Hopefully Not Tomorrow
Topic: Housekeeping

Our server is a violent bitch with razor blades in her genital area and a temper that would impress a drunken French sailor. It spews hatred at us and laughs as we cry in vain, attempting to log in hour after hour. Calls to her parents are unanswered, and still we return, like a lost frat boy attempting to sleep with a cheerleader.

As the day wears on, she gives us hints that she loves us again as she allows us to log in, only to throw up errors as we try to complete the ritual. We hate her... and now we have her address. There will be a long talk tonight, and hopefully tomorrow she will show up, a reformed woman, changed to the ways of a lady.

We actually wrote this message hours ago, but were unable to post it. It is currently 11:34 a.m. in Dallas, and we have put this message on a loop until it successfully posts. If this never happens, call someone, because this crazy bitch probably killed us.

Cheers