Cartoon of the Day! Apparently Bush is God... Who Knew?
Topic: Political Cartoons

Now that we have talk of another hurricane striking the Gulf of Mexico, it's going to be interesting to see exactly where the MSM and Democrats will go with the blame of people not evacuating their homes (p.s., we've had many friends in Houston and Galveston refuse to leave their shit, so it ain't POTUS's fault - ed.). We're guessing they'll use the term "federal government," which of course, translates to "President Bush."

So why do this? Because they're trying to prove themselves right. John Kerry is still trying to mount an attack on the Pres, but no one gives two shits. Al Sharpton has finally shut up, and now even Michael Moore and lover Cindy Sheehan are gone too. So today we turn to newcomer (to here at least) Marie Woolf of Cagle Cartoons to shed some humor on the subject of hurricanes and playing God with the weather. Thanks Marie!

Hurricane Naming Center Running Out of Monikers!
Topic: National News

2005 has seen such a large rush of Atlantic tropical storms that the Hurricane Center only has four names left for this season, with nearly a month and a half left to go. So far, we have had 18 of the projected 21, but possible other predictions are pointing for numbers possibly in the mid 20s.

"The August update to Atlantic hurricane season outlook called for 18 to 21, so I would hope it doesn't go any higher than that, but it's a possibility," Frank Lepore, spokesman for the Hurricane Center said.

So start thinking about other possible names when we go over the number and switch to the shitty Greek names. We're suggesting names like "Ass-Raper" and "Bitch," because that's what these storms have been. Thank God we live in Texas. What's that? Hurricane Rita's going to hit Texas? And travel up into NORTH TEXAS? SONUVABITCH!


SPACE.COM via YAHOO! NEWS

NATIONAL HURRICANE CENTER

President Clinton Becomes Prophylactic
Topic: World News

Chinese scientists have received the right to name their two newest products the Kelitun and Laiwensiji, meaning in English, "Clinton and Lewinsky." The product? Rubbers.

So how many Clinton condoms can you get for roughly four bucks? 12. Monica Lewinsky is a skank, so you can get get 12 of her for only three dollars. No word on whether or not we will ever see this condoms in America... or eBay for that matter.


SKY NEWS

Opportunistic Mother Can't File Paperwork
Topic: Stupidity

Cindy Sheehan was cut short and a rally organizer was arrested in NYC for not filing the proper paperwork to use loudspeakers on city streets. The hippies in the audience then proceeded to harang the police officers and chant "let her speak," as if President Bush had personally called the NYPD and asked for the protest to be shut down.

Someone please just give Sheehan the book deal she's looking for so we don't have to hear anymore about her. We're tired of this dumb skank trampling all over her son's good name for her own personal fortune.


MSNBC

New Orleans Residents Learn Squat From... NEW ORLEANS???
Topic: National News

With Hurricane Rita scheduled to pass through the Florida Keys today and head towards the Gulf of Mexico, Houston and New Orleans by this weekend, the question remains whether or not New Orleans residents are smart enough to stop coming back to their critically wounded city... and the answer appears to be "no."

Even though N'awlins mayor Ray Nagin gave in to Presidential and Federal requests not to reopen the city to residents who were evacuated, there seems to be a growing dissent on whether or not residents of the underwater capital of America should be allowed to return to their ravaged homes. Any person With some semblance of intelligence would see that this is a really, really bad idea. So bad, in fact, that even the President sees it as bad!

And not only has Mayor Nagin said he didn't want to halt the return, but he attacked the federal leaders in charge of rescuing what is left of the city. This seems slightly hypocritical after Nagin refused to evacuate or prepare the city for the worst... even after being begged to do so by the U.S. Government.

“The citizens of New Orleans deserve the opportunity to see what they have left and what they can salvage,” Nagin told Fox News in response to warnings from the federal official in charge in New Orleans, Coast Guard Vice Adm. Thad Allen.

“I’m a little surprised the admiral came out publicly on this,” he added. “Maybe since I’ve been away a day or two, maybe he’s the new crowned federal mayor of New Orleans.”

Bush, however, showed his usual knack for not being able to speak off of a TelePrompTer With his response.

“We want this city to re-emerge. As I said, I can’t imagine America without a vibrant New Orleans. It’s just a matter of timing,” Bush said. “We’re cautious about encouraging people to return at this moment of history.”

“We have made our position loud and clear,” Bush said. “The mayor is working hard. The mayor — you know, he’s got this dream about having a city up and running, and we share that dream. But we also want to be realistic about some of the hurdles and obstacles that we all confront in repopulating New Orleans.”

So who will emerge as right? Well, we'll have to see just how destructive the next hurricane will become. Then it's up to the weather gods and the spin doctors.


MSNBC

PREVIOUSLY: North Carolina Residents Learn Squat From New Orleans

Chicago Train Going 60 MPH Over "Speed Limit;" We Drank a Lot This Weekend, But Don't Remember Going to Drive a Train...
Topic: National News

The Chicago passenger train that derailed Saturday, killing two, was found to have been going 59 miles per hour faster than it should have been right before jumping the tracks. At the interchange where the wheels left the track, the train was traveling at 69 miles per hour, instead of the 10 it was supposed have been moving at.

We concede that driving a passenger train is not an easy thing to do, but a difference of nearly 60 miles per hour is not an easy thing to achieve unless one is completely smashed on Vicodin and tequila. The conductor is currently on "trauma leave" pending an investigation, which will uncover exactly what he was stoned on.


MSNBC

North Korea Agrees to Nuke Deal! Kim Jong Il Must Have Seen Team America: World Police
Topic: World News

In what is being called a historic treaty, North Korea has agreed to halt their nuclear weapons program and allow U.S. and U.N. inspectors into the country to lift trade sanctions in the struggling nation. Instead of using uni-lateral techniques and lots of, as Bush calls them, "big words," the six country diplomatic talks finally worked for the best, with secretaries from the multiple countries calling for an immediate stop to the nuclear process.

“Now there's a way forward and part of the way forward is for the North Koreans to understand we're serious about this and that we expect there to be a verifiable process," President Bush told reporters.

Now, of course, is the hardest part of the deal; confirming the shutdown of the program. North Koreans are notoriously dodgy (or so we've heard) when it comes to giving up power. Maybe we'll just make them read Alas, Babylon and see if they finally get it. Seriously, that book is like a screwed up version of Mad Max.


MSNBC

We Suck; Hopefully Not Tomorrow
Topic: Housekeeping

Our server is a violent bitch with razor blades in her genital area and a temper that would impress a drunken French sailor. It spews hatred at us and laughs as we cry in vain, attempting to log in hour after hour. Calls to her parents are unanswered, and still we return, like a lost frat boy attempting to sleep with a cheerleader.

As the day wears on, she gives us hints that she loves us again as she allows us to log in, only to throw up errors as we try to complete the ritual. We hate her... and now we have her address. There will be a long talk tonight, and hopefully tomorrow she will show up, a reformed woman, changed to the ways of a lady.

We actually wrote this message hours ago, but were unable to post it. It is currently 11:34 a.m. in Dallas, and we have put this message on a loop until it successfully posts. If this never happens, call someone, because this crazy bitch probably killed us.

Cheers

North Carolina Residents Learn Squat From New Orleans
Topic: National News

North Carolina Governor Mike Easley is begging his apparently half-retarded residents, who also apparently do not have televisions, radios, printing presses or computers, to get the hell out of the area because of Hurricane Ophelia slowly creeping its way up the coastline at just a few miles per hour.

"We have a concern that people in flood-prone areas need to get out," Easley said at an afternoon news conference. "We're asking and begging them to do that because it's going to be hard to get them out later."

FEMA, learning from mistakes of the past, already has 200 aide workers ready to jump in as soon as all is clear, which will still be too long for the Democrats, who have over 2,000 crazed idiots ready to jump on the "Bush screwed up" wagon as soon as all is clear.

And why will that undoubtedly happen, you might ask? Because Bush said he would take the blame... that and you still have idiots like this chick that aren't going to admit when they're stupid.

“It’s an island. The water will come over, it’ll go out, and we’ll do it all over again,” Tiffany Bigham, 27, said after she finished boarding up her living room windows. Bigham, a lifelong resident of Hatteras Island, said she and all the other locals she knows were planning to stay put, despite an order that everyone evacuate the island.

Let this be a lesson to all who are getting ready to go on a hate rampage; people know there's a hurricane coming and know their houses are going to be destroyed and still refuse to leave. THIS IS NOT THE GOVERNMENT'S FAULT. This is the fault of retards.


MSNBC

Ex-boy Bander Ran for Mayor? Why Didn't Anybody Tell Us About This???
Topic: Politics

In this mixture of politics and stupidity, we look at the continuing troubles of ex-boy band "singer" Justin Jeffre, who, after making the hearts of nine-year-old girls swoon WAAAAAAAY back in the day as a member of 98 Degrees, has just lost his primary bid to become the next mayor of Cincinnati. But not to fail, both his music and political prowess will return.

Seriously though, look at that photos and tell me he doesn't look like he should be driving a white panel van instead of running for mayor. Creepy!

"We're going to collect our big yard signs and leave the door open for another run," Jeffre said Wednesday. "Don't be surprised if you see JJ2k9 (Justin Jeffre 2009)."

DOUBLE U. TEE. EFF. (WHAT. THE. FUCK.)

He can't be serious, can he?

"A lot of what we wanted to do is turn people on to this process, people who have been disconnected or don't buy into what they see as a spoiled or corrupt system," he said. "It was my way of bringing a little bit of fun and pop culture into what is usually thought of as a boring process."

Oh my god he is. See how screwed up our country is? Reagen opened the doors for actors/"musicians"/talentless idiots to be politicians. And the Russians are still allowing that douche from N'Sync to become a cosmonaut. And Britney Spears is giving birth today.

Is that the seventh goddamn sign of the Apocalypse or what???


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

FEMA Director Brown Was Used as Scapegoat!
Topic: National News

Knight Ridder is reporting today that in a memo from the Department of Homeland Security, it was DHS director Michael Chertoff who delayed the federal response to the victims of Katrina, now now-resigned FEMA Director Michael Brown. This sheds new light and questions as to why Chertoff delayed the response so much.

In fact, for the first 36 hours of the aftermath of the storm (which is how long it took FEMA to get moving - ed.), Chertoff had given Brown limited power until finally putting him in charge of the federal governments resources.

So will the federal task force fire Chertoff for his hands-tying of FEMA and Brown? He did, after all, cause massive looting and the loss of many lives and jobs by proxy, so maybe he will be. But we doubt it. After all, with President Bush taking responsibility for Chertoff and others not doing their jobs, he's already taken the heat. Does anyone know if Chertoff have any interest in oil companies? Stocks? Mutual funds? Anything?


KNIGHT RIDDER

Something You'll Never Hear on the Networks; US Releases 11 Million Barrels of Crude From Reserve
Topic: National News

Pledging another 22 million barrels of crude oil to help lower the gas prices and help out victims of Hurricane Katrina, the United States Energy Department announced today they were releasing a total of 33 million barrels of crude oil from the U.S. stockpile, starting with 11 million Wednesday morning. While Democrats bitched and moaned about gouging (before it was released that Exxon/Mobil and Chevron were fudging the numbers to create a false crisis... bet you didn't hear about that one either), it appears that plans HAD been in place to release the oil to the public to help drive the price of gasoline and cooking fuel back down to reasonable levels. The companies that bought the oil follow:

BP, 2.7 million barrels; Marathon-Ashland, 2.25 million barrels; Shell, 2 million barrels; Astra Oil Co., 1 million barrels; and Vitol, 3 million barrels.

Prices ranged from $59 to $66 per barrel. The money will most likely be diverted to help drilling or the tobacco industry.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Roberts-watch! Dodging Questions Better Than Clinton Dodged the Draft
Topic: National News

During his senate confirmation hearings, it only took prospective Chief Justice of SCOTUS John G. Roberts one hour to dodge his opinion of Roe vs. Wade four times. His responses remained in the same vein, so as not to incriminate himself of anything. Perhaps the senate, which has a hand in making our country's laws, have never heard of the Fifth Amendment.

"I feel the need to stay away from a discussion of specific cases."

"I think I should stay away from discussion of specific issues."

"I do feel compelled to point that I should not ... agree or disagree with particular decisions."

"That's something that I'm going to have to draw the line in the sand."

Great, he's a weasel.


BREITBART

Holy Shit! Bush Takes Blame for Federal Katrina Response!
Topic: National News

President Bush will go on air live Thursday from Louisiana and say, no joke, "I take responsibility." The responsibility he speaks of is the federal government's falling down on the job regarding the imminent threat that Hurricane Katrina posed to the country.

So why this tactic, and why now? Perhaps to lesson the Democratic attack machine on the government agencies that are just trying to save lives. Or perhaps it's because with an approval rating in the goddamn shitter, he figures it might actually help to find some humility.

"I'm not going to defend the process going in," Bush said. "I am going to defend the people saving lives."

He praised relief workers at all levels. "I want people in America to understand how hard people worked to save lives down there," he said.

So we're going to have to live blog the hell out of his Thursday night speech, hopefully drunk, because those are always more fun.


MSNBC

Bypass Surgery; Heart of Darko Housekeeping
Topic: Housekeeping

Wheeeeeeeee! Our server sucks! We apologize! Ads make it crash! Typing the letter "E" too many times makes it crash! We're about to fly to Australia and throw it out the window and make it crash! RAWR!

The Roberts Hearings, Part II; Democrats Invoke Katrina, Use GOP Tactic
Topic: National News

It took only one mere hour for the Democrats to invoke the former Republican idea of "PR through tragedy" by using the Katrina victims during the, wait for it... John G. Roberts SCOTUS hearings. We give a firm, WTF?

Here's Vermont Democratic Senator Patrick Leahy:

"Today, the devastation, despair facing millions of our fellow Americans in the Gulf region is a tragic reminder of why we have a federal government, why it's critical that our government be responsive."

What? What the hell does that have to do with John Roberts as Supreme Court Justice. That's right, jack shit.

And of course, there's Ted "Johnny Walker" Kennedy:

"The powerful winds and flood waters of Katrina tore away the mask that has hidden from public view the many Americans who are left out and left behind. As one nation under God, we cannot continue to ignore the injustice, the inequality and the gross disparities that exist in our society."

Remember folks, not only is Ted a freaking KENNEDY WITH TONS OF MONEY THAT HE IS NOT GIVING UP TO THE VICTIMS OF ANYTHING, but he drowned his fiance while drunk driving. The man has the credibility of a dog turd.

John Cornyn (of Texas, yea! - ed. we didn't vote for him. shut up) appealed for the idiots to please shut up:


"We ought not to appropriate a national tragedy in a misguided effort to further a political interest of any sort."

And there you have it. Some girl from a conservative group issued a statement that will probably be taken out of context on CNN and then Cornyn will come off as if Zell Miller were controlling his body through some telepathic mind link that can transmit mental diarrhea and then we'll pass out in a heap on the floor from sensory overload from too much political ideology. Or would that be political idiocy?


WASHINGTON TIMES

Penn-watch; The Continuing Crazy Antics of Sean Penn! Volume 2 - Shotgun Love
Topic: Entertainment

Sean Penn is officially off of his rocker. After a few of the participants in the Great Dinghy Rescue of 2005 came out to say that Penn saved over 40 people off of rooftops because the National Guard was too scared to go near them (this story came from Penn's publicist, so you KNOW there's no spin there... - ed.), the New York Post apparently issued this photo in today's late edition.

Looking closely in at the subject, you will notice that it is indeed Sean Penn trolling through the contaminated waters of downtown NOLA with a pump action shotgun in hand. Now we're not saying that Sean Penn is crazy or violent. Just really out of his fucking mind.

Thanks for the image scan, Matt.

BREAKING! FEMA Director Now Former FEMA Director!
Topic: National News
We've heard through the grapevine that FEMA Director Michael Brown has resigned over the Katrina fiasco! We'll punch up a link after we hear official word.

Developing...


UPDATE: Brown resigns, saying "The focus has got to be on FEMA, what the people are trying to do down there."

BREITBART

We see this on a MoveOn.org t-shirt very, very soon...
Topic: Stupidity

The Roberts Hearings; A National Issue No One Cares About
Topic: National News

This morning, John G. Roberts steps in front of the senate to defend the middle of the road decisions that have marked his career as a justice from day one. Insults will be thrown at him from Democratic senators that harbor a deep hatred for anybody not as socialist as themselves, but only after they pretend to offer their respect to him. After he is confirmed, they will speak of how much they look forward to working with him, even though they had previously been telling him how much they hated his moderate judgments and that he had no original opinions of his own and was lacking in integrity.

While all senators will get a chance to speak, many of them are already attempting to fool Roberts into believing that they will be nothing but respectful (a word that, coincidentally, isn't in the Democrat's vocab - ed.), when they are planning to rip him a new asshole.

"It has been my experience that the hearings are a subtle minuet with nominees answering as many questions as they think they have to in order to be confirmed," said Judiciary Committee chairman Sen. Arlen Specter, R-Pa.

Coming from Arlen Specter, you know he's got some hum-dingers in his bag of tricks. The biggest ruling that will come into play is the "French Fry Incident" that Roberts ruled on, where a 12 year old girl was arrested for eating a fucking french fry on the D.C. Metro line, which allows for the arrests of minors who eat food in the immaculately clean mobile rape-closets known as the trains. Roberts ruled that the arrest was valid, but very stupid. Outcry changed everything about those rules, but you know that's something people are gonna hammer him with.

They're going to hammer him about an arrest of a twelve year old girl, as if he was the arresting officer. If Hillary Clinton says anything, we're going to puke, we swear to god.


MSNBC