North Carolina Residents Learn Squat From New Orleans
Topic: National News

North Carolina Governor Mike Easley is begging his apparently half-retarded residents, who also apparently do not have televisions, radios, printing presses or computers, to get the hell out of the area because of Hurricane Ophelia slowly creeping its way up the coastline at just a few miles per hour.

"We have a concern that people in flood-prone areas need to get out," Easley said at an afternoon news conference. "We're asking and begging them to do that because it's going to be hard to get them out later."

FEMA, learning from mistakes of the past, already has 200 aide workers ready to jump in as soon as all is clear, which will still be too long for the Democrats, who have over 2,000 crazed idiots ready to jump on the "Bush screwed up" wagon as soon as all is clear.

And why will that undoubtedly happen, you might ask? Because Bush said he would take the blame... that and you still have idiots like this chick that aren't going to admit when they're stupid.

“It’s an island. The water will come over, it’ll go out, and we’ll do it all over again,” Tiffany Bigham, 27, said after she finished boarding up her living room windows. Bigham, a lifelong resident of Hatteras Island, said she and all the other locals she knows were planning to stay put, despite an order that everyone evacuate the island.

Let this be a lesson to all who are getting ready to go on a hate rampage; people know there's a hurricane coming and know their houses are going to be destroyed and still refuse to leave. THIS IS NOT THE GOVERNMENT'S FAULT. This is the fault of retards.


MSNBC

Ex-boy Bander Ran for Mayor? Why Didn't Anybody Tell Us About This???
Topic: Politics

In this mixture of politics and stupidity, we look at the continuing troubles of ex-boy band "singer" Justin Jeffre, who, after making the hearts of nine-year-old girls swoon WAAAAAAAY back in the day as a member of 98 Degrees, has just lost his primary bid to become the next mayor of Cincinnati. But not to fail, both his music and political prowess will return.

Seriously though, look at that photos and tell me he doesn't look like he should be driving a white panel van instead of running for mayor. Creepy!

"We're going to collect our big yard signs and leave the door open for another run," Jeffre said Wednesday. "Don't be surprised if you see JJ2k9 (Justin Jeffre 2009)."

DOUBLE U. TEE. EFF. (WHAT. THE. FUCK.)

He can't be serious, can he?

"A lot of what we wanted to do is turn people on to this process, people who have been disconnected or don't buy into what they see as a spoiled or corrupt system," he said. "It was my way of bringing a little bit of fun and pop culture into what is usually thought of as a boring process."

Oh my god he is. See how screwed up our country is? Reagen opened the doors for actors/"musicians"/talentless idiots to be politicians. And the Russians are still allowing that douche from N'Sync to become a cosmonaut. And Britney Spears is giving birth today.

Is that the seventh goddamn sign of the Apocalypse or what???


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

FEMA Director Brown Was Used as Scapegoat!
Topic: National News

Knight Ridder is reporting today that in a memo from the Department of Homeland Security, it was DHS director Michael Chertoff who delayed the federal response to the victims of Katrina, now now-resigned FEMA Director Michael Brown. This sheds new light and questions as to why Chertoff delayed the response so much.

In fact, for the first 36 hours of the aftermath of the storm (which is how long it took FEMA to get moving - ed.), Chertoff had given Brown limited power until finally putting him in charge of the federal governments resources.

So will the federal task force fire Chertoff for his hands-tying of FEMA and Brown? He did, after all, cause massive looting and the loss of many lives and jobs by proxy, so maybe he will be. But we doubt it. After all, with President Bush taking responsibility for Chertoff and others not doing their jobs, he's already taken the heat. Does anyone know if Chertoff have any interest in oil companies? Stocks? Mutual funds? Anything?


KNIGHT RIDDER

Something You'll Never Hear on the Networks; US Releases 11 Million Barrels of Crude From Reserve
Topic: National News

Pledging another 22 million barrels of crude oil to help lower the gas prices and help out victims of Hurricane Katrina, the United States Energy Department announced today they were releasing a total of 33 million barrels of crude oil from the U.S. stockpile, starting with 11 million Wednesday morning. While Democrats bitched and moaned about gouging (before it was released that Exxon/Mobil and Chevron were fudging the numbers to create a false crisis... bet you didn't hear about that one either), it appears that plans HAD been in place to release the oil to the public to help drive the price of gasoline and cooking fuel back down to reasonable levels. The companies that bought the oil follow:

BP, 2.7 million barrels; Marathon-Ashland, 2.25 million barrels; Shell, 2 million barrels; Astra Oil Co., 1 million barrels; and Vitol, 3 million barrels.

Prices ranged from $59 to $66 per barrel. The money will most likely be diverted to help drilling or the tobacco industry.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Roberts-watch! Dodging Questions Better Than Clinton Dodged the Draft
Topic: National News

During his senate confirmation hearings, it only took prospective Chief Justice of SCOTUS John G. Roberts one hour to dodge his opinion of Roe vs. Wade four times. His responses remained in the same vein, so as not to incriminate himself of anything. Perhaps the senate, which has a hand in making our country's laws, have never heard of the Fifth Amendment.

"I feel the need to stay away from a discussion of specific cases."

"I think I should stay away from discussion of specific issues."

"I do feel compelled to point that I should not ... agree or disagree with particular decisions."

"That's something that I'm going to have to draw the line in the sand."

Great, he's a weasel.


BREITBART

Holy Shit! Bush Takes Blame for Federal Katrina Response!
Topic: National News

President Bush will go on air live Thursday from Louisiana and say, no joke, "I take responsibility." The responsibility he speaks of is the federal government's falling down on the job regarding the imminent threat that Hurricane Katrina posed to the country.

So why this tactic, and why now? Perhaps to lesson the Democratic attack machine on the government agencies that are just trying to save lives. Or perhaps it's because with an approval rating in the goddamn shitter, he figures it might actually help to find some humility.

"I'm not going to defend the process going in," Bush said. "I am going to defend the people saving lives."

He praised relief workers at all levels. "I want people in America to understand how hard people worked to save lives down there," he said.

So we're going to have to live blog the hell out of his Thursday night speech, hopefully drunk, because those are always more fun.


MSNBC

Bypass Surgery; Heart of Darko Housekeeping
Topic: Housekeeping

Wheeeeeeeee! Our server sucks! We apologize! Ads make it crash! Typing the letter "E" too many times makes it crash! We're about to fly to Australia and throw it out the window and make it crash! RAWR!

The Roberts Hearings, Part II; Democrats Invoke Katrina, Use GOP Tactic
Topic: National News

It took only one mere hour for the Democrats to invoke the former Republican idea of "PR through tragedy" by using the Katrina victims during the, wait for it... John G. Roberts SCOTUS hearings. We give a firm, WTF?

Here's Vermont Democratic Senator Patrick Leahy:

"Today, the devastation, despair facing millions of our fellow Americans in the Gulf region is a tragic reminder of why we have a federal government, why it's critical that our government be responsive."

What? What the hell does that have to do with John Roberts as Supreme Court Justice. That's right, jack shit.

And of course, there's Ted "Johnny Walker" Kennedy:

"The powerful winds and flood waters of Katrina tore away the mask that has hidden from public view the many Americans who are left out and left behind. As one nation under God, we cannot continue to ignore the injustice, the inequality and the gross disparities that exist in our society."

Remember folks, not only is Ted a freaking KENNEDY WITH TONS OF MONEY THAT HE IS NOT GIVING UP TO THE VICTIMS OF ANYTHING, but he drowned his fiance while drunk driving. The man has the credibility of a dog turd.

John Cornyn (of Texas, yea! - ed. we didn't vote for him. shut up) appealed for the idiots to please shut up:


"We ought not to appropriate a national tragedy in a misguided effort to further a political interest of any sort."

And there you have it. Some girl from a conservative group issued a statement that will probably be taken out of context on CNN and then Cornyn will come off as if Zell Miller were controlling his body through some telepathic mind link that can transmit mental diarrhea and then we'll pass out in a heap on the floor from sensory overload from too much political ideology. Or would that be political idiocy?


WASHINGTON TIMES

Penn-watch; The Continuing Crazy Antics of Sean Penn! Volume 2 - Shotgun Love
Topic: Entertainment

Sean Penn is officially off of his rocker. After a few of the participants in the Great Dinghy Rescue of 2005 came out to say that Penn saved over 40 people off of rooftops because the National Guard was too scared to go near them (this story came from Penn's publicist, so you KNOW there's no spin there... - ed.), the New York Post apparently issued this photo in today's late edition.

Looking closely in at the subject, you will notice that it is indeed Sean Penn trolling through the contaminated waters of downtown NOLA with a pump action shotgun in hand. Now we're not saying that Sean Penn is crazy or violent. Just really out of his fucking mind.

Thanks for the image scan, Matt.

BREAKING! FEMA Director Now Former FEMA Director!
Topic: National News
We've heard through the grapevine that FEMA Director Michael Brown has resigned over the Katrina fiasco! We'll punch up a link after we hear official word.

Developing...


UPDATE: Brown resigns, saying "The focus has got to be on FEMA, what the people are trying to do down there."

BREITBART

We see this on a MoveOn.org t-shirt very, very soon...
Topic: Stupidity

The Roberts Hearings; A National Issue No One Cares About
Topic: National News

This morning, John G. Roberts steps in front of the senate to defend the middle of the road decisions that have marked his career as a justice from day one. Insults will be thrown at him from Democratic senators that harbor a deep hatred for anybody not as socialist as themselves, but only after they pretend to offer their respect to him. After he is confirmed, they will speak of how much they look forward to working with him, even though they had previously been telling him how much they hated his moderate judgments and that he had no original opinions of his own and was lacking in integrity.

While all senators will get a chance to speak, many of them are already attempting to fool Roberts into believing that they will be nothing but respectful (a word that, coincidentally, isn't in the Democrat's vocab - ed.), when they are planning to rip him a new asshole.

"It has been my experience that the hearings are a subtle minuet with nominees answering as many questions as they think they have to in order to be confirmed," said Judiciary Committee chairman Sen. Arlen Specter, R-Pa.

Coming from Arlen Specter, you know he's got some hum-dingers in his bag of tricks. The biggest ruling that will come into play is the "French Fry Incident" that Roberts ruled on, where a 12 year old girl was arrested for eating a fucking french fry on the D.C. Metro line, which allows for the arrests of minors who eat food in the immaculately clean mobile rape-closets known as the trains. Roberts ruled that the arrest was valid, but very stupid. Outcry changed everything about those rules, but you know that's something people are gonna hammer him with.

They're going to hammer him about an arrest of a twelve year old girl, as if he was the arresting officer. If Hillary Clinton says anything, we're going to puke, we swear to god.


MSNBC

Chuck Schumer Pulls Republican Money-Making Strategy Out of His Ass; Gets Busted
Topic: Politics

Unlike the GOP, who has been successfully exploiting 9/11 for years to get officials reelected, obtain extra support, and raise copious amounts of money, the Democrats suck at it. And when they do try, they just caught red-handed, as NY Senator Chuck Schumer did on Saturday.

Schumer, who was still in the midst of preparing 9/11 activities in NYC, was caught with a campaign donation link hidden behind a "Fire FEMA Director Brown" link on his web page. Bad form sir. The details of his little scam are as follows:

Schumer's DSCC urged visitors to its Web site to sign a petition urging the firing of Federal Emergency Management Agency Director Michael Brown, the focus of much of the criticism of the federal response to Katrina. A click on the petition opened a page requesting a donation to the DSCC, the party organization focused on recruiting and supporting Senate Democrats.

So now any comment about the exploitation of 9/11 by the GOP (however true it might be) can now be easily turned into a hypocritical statement against the Donkeys. Like lambs to the slaughter.


NY POST

Grand Jury Indict's DeLay's PAC! Something About Nursing Homes...
Topic: Texas Politics

U.S. House Majority Leader Tom DeLay's political action committee, Texans for a Republican Majority, was indicted today for illegally accepting a campaign donation of $100,000 from some retirees.

The Alliance for Quality Nursing Home Care's donation has led to four indictments, including unlawful political advertising, unlawful contributions to a political committee and unlawful expenditures. Pretty much the worst things you can do on a PAC. No word on whether or not these charges will bring DeLay back into the spotlight, but we can say with a full heart, we hope so.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Reason #4,589 to Hate NYC; Middle Aged Men Stab Random Babies
Topic: National News

A 48-year-old psychotic man in New York City stabbed a 10-month-old baby in a stroller at random today, just because... well, who knows? Probably because he lives in New York City and couldn't fucking take it anymore. But seriously, he stabbed a baby.

We've been so angry before that we've wanted to PUNCH a baby, but never stick one with a hunting knife. The baby is in stable, but critical, condition and the man is in jail on an attempted murder charge, but let this be a lesson to all of you young families in New York City:

New Yorkers hate babies.


MSNBC

Fat Bastard to Make Katrina Movie?
Topic: Entertainment

Michael Moore hates everyone that isn't a Socialist. Even though he will never admit his political leaning towards that practice, it is pretty clear that is what he is. Now it appears that Moore might be planning a Hurricane Katrina documentary, which blames every single problem that occurred (including probably the hurricane itself) on the Bush administration.

Is it just me or does anyone else wish that Charlton Heston had shot Moore in the leg in Bowling for Columbine? This has once again shown how the Democratic party has evolved into a group of sniveling idealists who offer no real solutions to what they call "devastating problems." The Sean Penn's and Michael Moore's look at something that THEY see as an issue and bitch and moan, without offering any kind of help to fixing it.

And wasn't it Bill Clinton that also shot down a multi-million dollar refurbishing of the levees in New Orleans, and not George Bush? Yeah, pretty sure it was. Go ahead and make your movie, fat idiot. It'll make you a lot of money and torpedo your political party even more, perhaps making way for new Democratic leadership that can do something besides complaining.


SCOOP via MSNBC

Ukranian Monster President fires government!
Topic: World News

Everyone remembers the fight of Ukrainian President Viktor Yushchenko, who overcame poisoning to win a do-over election after his appearance took on something that resembled over-cooked marinara. Well, now citing corruption (and maybe dioxide poisoning again - ed.), President Yushchenko has fired his government, including his HAAAAWWWWWT running mate and many close friends. He has also said that his cabinet lacked the "team spirit" to continue to work with him on many of the issues plaguing the country. Let it be a lesson; leave your pom-poms at home during a summit, get your ass fired.

“These people remain my friends. It is very difficult but today I must to remove this Gordian knot,” Yushchenko said, accusing his outgoing government of lacking team spirit.

“I set one task for the new team — to work in a united team. I do not want any more the intrigues between two or three people that were determining the state policy.”

Of course, the big task will see who will run the political party. With Yushchenko running the country, his ousted government has a chance to take the parliamentary control away from him in the 2006 elections. Not like it matters to us, as long as we keep getting their new Chicken Kiev recipes. That stuff is good!


MSNBC

Schwarzenegger Hates Gays, Girly Men
Topic: National News

Quoting the will of the people, Conan the Governor will strike down the bill approving gay marriage in the state of California, probably because Arnold doesn't want LA to be seen in the same light as Boston or Vienna. While leftists are up in arms about his decision to veto the first legislature-approved same sex marriage bill, Schwarzenegger does have a point; the people of California already shot down this legislation and the state Congress approved it anyway.

"I'm encouraged that the governor is going to stop the runaway Legislature, and he's going to represent the people," said Karen England of the Capitol Resource Institute, a Sacramento group that lobbied against the bill.

Here's what the activists have to say (like you need to know where they stand):

"Clearly he's pandering to an extreme right wing, which was not how he got elected," said Geoff Kors, executive director of Equality California, one of the bill's sponsors. "He got elected with record numbers of lesbian and gay voters who had not previously voted for a Republican, and he sold us out."

Of course, they have to remember that not all actors/entertainers are liberals who stump for John Kerry. When you vote for a Republican, you're going to get right-leaning votes and vetos. Duh.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Iran to send 20 million barrels of crude to help out Katrina victims; New form of blackmail emerges
Topic: World News

In a huge effort to help the United States get over the Katrina devastation and hopefully get the U.S. monkey off their nuclear back, Iran has announced they will send 20 million barrels of crude oil to America, but only if the government backs off of trade sanctions that were imposed after Iranian terrorists took control of the U.S. embassy in 1979. U.S. officials have denied this has happened. D'oh!

State Department spokesman Sean McCormack said, "No, we haven't received any direct contact from the Iranian government with an offer."

Umm... oops? The Cubans have apparently offered medical assistance and personnel, and we've sanctioned the crap out of them since the mid 50's.

"In terms of Cuba, I understand that there has been an offer of medical personnel," McCormack said. "I think it is an offer, along with some other offers of medical personnel, that we will continue to take a look at."

So is this just a new form of global blackmail? Perhaps if we allow a few other countries to bribe us as well, we'll get the price of gas to under $2.00 a gallon like it was in January... when we bought our gas guzzler. Son of a bitch.


USA TODAY via SPLOID

Handicapping the Next SCOTUS
Topic: National News

Just to clear the air, we did not report on the death of Chief Justice William Rehnquist because he passed away on Saturday, and we were drunkenly watching college football. In fact, ABC interrupted the final three minute's of our alma mater's opening game to give a two and a half minute video eulogy for the departed justice. If we hadn't have had XM radio to fall back on, we would've purchased a flight to ABC headquarters in New York and burned that son of a bitch down.

But we digress. Now that President Bush has announced he wants the very young John G. Roberts to replace Rehnquist as Chief Justice (good luck with that one, Dubya), the list for his second nomination is open to any suggestions.

One name has been batted around the office, but it was already toyed with after Sandra Day O'Connor's retirement. While Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez might have some of the experience, in the words of Senator Kay Bailey Hutchinson, "gimme a bitch!" Arlen Spector agrees on the woman issue as well, making this race a true head scratcher.

Of course, Bush will not go into any of this until Roberts is confirmed, so expect a few good months at least with an inactive and non-intact judicial branch. Gotta love our country, where we can operate without a full government whenever we disagree with people not of our political affiliation.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS