The Roberts Hearings, Part II; Democrats Invoke Katrina, Use GOP Tactic
Topic: National News

It took only one mere hour for the Democrats to invoke the former Republican idea of "PR through tragedy" by using the Katrina victims during the, wait for it... John G. Roberts SCOTUS hearings. We give a firm, WTF?

Here's Vermont Democratic Senator Patrick Leahy:

"Today, the devastation, despair facing millions of our fellow Americans in the Gulf region is a tragic reminder of why we have a federal government, why it's critical that our government be responsive."

What? What the hell does that have to do with John Roberts as Supreme Court Justice. That's right, jack shit.

And of course, there's Ted "Johnny Walker" Kennedy:

"The powerful winds and flood waters of Katrina tore away the mask that has hidden from public view the many Americans who are left out and left behind. As one nation under God, we cannot continue to ignore the injustice, the inequality and the gross disparities that exist in our society."

Remember folks, not only is Ted a freaking KENNEDY WITH TONS OF MONEY THAT HE IS NOT GIVING UP TO THE VICTIMS OF ANYTHING, but he drowned his fiance while drunk driving. The man has the credibility of a dog turd.

John Cornyn (of Texas, yea! - ed. we didn't vote for him. shut up) appealed for the idiots to please shut up:


"We ought not to appropriate a national tragedy in a misguided effort to further a political interest of any sort."

And there you have it. Some girl from a conservative group issued a statement that will probably be taken out of context on CNN and then Cornyn will come off as if Zell Miller were controlling his body through some telepathic mind link that can transmit mental diarrhea and then we'll pass out in a heap on the floor from sensory overload from too much political ideology. Or would that be political idiocy?


WASHINGTON TIMES

Penn-watch; The Continuing Crazy Antics of Sean Penn! Volume 2 - Shotgun Love
Topic: Entertainment

Sean Penn is officially off of his rocker. After a few of the participants in the Great Dinghy Rescue of 2005 came out to say that Penn saved over 40 people off of rooftops because the National Guard was too scared to go near them (this story came from Penn's publicist, so you KNOW there's no spin there... - ed.), the New York Post apparently issued this photo in today's late edition.

Looking closely in at the subject, you will notice that it is indeed Sean Penn trolling through the contaminated waters of downtown NOLA with a pump action shotgun in hand. Now we're not saying that Sean Penn is crazy or violent. Just really out of his fucking mind.

Thanks for the image scan, Matt.

BREAKING! FEMA Director Now Former FEMA Director!
Topic: National News
We've heard through the grapevine that FEMA Director Michael Brown has resigned over the Katrina fiasco! We'll punch up a link after we hear official word.

Developing...


UPDATE: Brown resigns, saying "The focus has got to be on FEMA, what the people are trying to do down there."

BREITBART

We see this on a MoveOn.org t-shirt very, very soon...
Topic: Stupidity

The Roberts Hearings; A National Issue No One Cares About
Topic: National News

This morning, John G. Roberts steps in front of the senate to defend the middle of the road decisions that have marked his career as a justice from day one. Insults will be thrown at him from Democratic senators that harbor a deep hatred for anybody not as socialist as themselves, but only after they pretend to offer their respect to him. After he is confirmed, they will speak of how much they look forward to working with him, even though they had previously been telling him how much they hated his moderate judgments and that he had no original opinions of his own and was lacking in integrity.

While all senators will get a chance to speak, many of them are already attempting to fool Roberts into believing that they will be nothing but respectful (a word that, coincidentally, isn't in the Democrat's vocab - ed.), when they are planning to rip him a new asshole.

"It has been my experience that the hearings are a subtle minuet with nominees answering as many questions as they think they have to in order to be confirmed," said Judiciary Committee chairman Sen. Arlen Specter, R-Pa.

Coming from Arlen Specter, you know he's got some hum-dingers in his bag of tricks. The biggest ruling that will come into play is the "French Fry Incident" that Roberts ruled on, where a 12 year old girl was arrested for eating a fucking french fry on the D.C. Metro line, which allows for the arrests of minors who eat food in the immaculately clean mobile rape-closets known as the trains. Roberts ruled that the arrest was valid, but very stupid. Outcry changed everything about those rules, but you know that's something people are gonna hammer him with.

They're going to hammer him about an arrest of a twelve year old girl, as if he was the arresting officer. If Hillary Clinton says anything, we're going to puke, we swear to god.


MSNBC

Chuck Schumer Pulls Republican Money-Making Strategy Out of His Ass; Gets Busted
Topic: Politics

Unlike the GOP, who has been successfully exploiting 9/11 for years to get officials reelected, obtain extra support, and raise copious amounts of money, the Democrats suck at it. And when they do try, they just caught red-handed, as NY Senator Chuck Schumer did on Saturday.

Schumer, who was still in the midst of preparing 9/11 activities in NYC, was caught with a campaign donation link hidden behind a "Fire FEMA Director Brown" link on his web page. Bad form sir. The details of his little scam are as follows:

Schumer's DSCC urged visitors to its Web site to sign a petition urging the firing of Federal Emergency Management Agency Director Michael Brown, the focus of much of the criticism of the federal response to Katrina. A click on the petition opened a page requesting a donation to the DSCC, the party organization focused on recruiting and supporting Senate Democrats.

So now any comment about the exploitation of 9/11 by the GOP (however true it might be) can now be easily turned into a hypocritical statement against the Donkeys. Like lambs to the slaughter.


NY POST

Grand Jury Indict's DeLay's PAC! Something About Nursing Homes...
Topic: Texas Politics

U.S. House Majority Leader Tom DeLay's political action committee, Texans for a Republican Majority, was indicted today for illegally accepting a campaign donation of $100,000 from some retirees.

The Alliance for Quality Nursing Home Care's donation has led to four indictments, including unlawful political advertising, unlawful contributions to a political committee and unlawful expenditures. Pretty much the worst things you can do on a PAC. No word on whether or not these charges will bring DeLay back into the spotlight, but we can say with a full heart, we hope so.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Reason #4,589 to Hate NYC; Middle Aged Men Stab Random Babies
Topic: National News

A 48-year-old psychotic man in New York City stabbed a 10-month-old baby in a stroller at random today, just because... well, who knows? Probably because he lives in New York City and couldn't fucking take it anymore. But seriously, he stabbed a baby.

We've been so angry before that we've wanted to PUNCH a baby, but never stick one with a hunting knife. The baby is in stable, but critical, condition and the man is in jail on an attempted murder charge, but let this be a lesson to all of you young families in New York City:

New Yorkers hate babies.


MSNBC

Fat Bastard to Make Katrina Movie?
Topic: Entertainment

Michael Moore hates everyone that isn't a Socialist. Even though he will never admit his political leaning towards that practice, it is pretty clear that is what he is. Now it appears that Moore might be planning a Hurricane Katrina documentary, which blames every single problem that occurred (including probably the hurricane itself) on the Bush administration.

Is it just me or does anyone else wish that Charlton Heston had shot Moore in the leg in Bowling for Columbine? This has once again shown how the Democratic party has evolved into a group of sniveling idealists who offer no real solutions to what they call "devastating problems." The Sean Penn's and Michael Moore's look at something that THEY see as an issue and bitch and moan, without offering any kind of help to fixing it.

And wasn't it Bill Clinton that also shot down a multi-million dollar refurbishing of the levees in New Orleans, and not George Bush? Yeah, pretty sure it was. Go ahead and make your movie, fat idiot. It'll make you a lot of money and torpedo your political party even more, perhaps making way for new Democratic leadership that can do something besides complaining.


SCOOP via MSNBC

Ukranian Monster President fires government!
Topic: World News

Everyone remembers the fight of Ukrainian President Viktor Yushchenko, who overcame poisoning to win a do-over election after his appearance took on something that resembled over-cooked marinara. Well, now citing corruption (and maybe dioxide poisoning again - ed.), President Yushchenko has fired his government, including his HAAAAWWWWWT running mate and many close friends. He has also said that his cabinet lacked the "team spirit" to continue to work with him on many of the issues plaguing the country. Let it be a lesson; leave your pom-poms at home during a summit, get your ass fired.

“These people remain my friends. It is very difficult but today I must to remove this Gordian knot,” Yushchenko said, accusing his outgoing government of lacking team spirit.

“I set one task for the new team — to work in a united team. I do not want any more the intrigues between two or three people that were determining the state policy.”

Of course, the big task will see who will run the political party. With Yushchenko running the country, his ousted government has a chance to take the parliamentary control away from him in the 2006 elections. Not like it matters to us, as long as we keep getting their new Chicken Kiev recipes. That stuff is good!


MSNBC

Schwarzenegger Hates Gays, Girly Men
Topic: National News

Quoting the will of the people, Conan the Governor will strike down the bill approving gay marriage in the state of California, probably because Arnold doesn't want LA to be seen in the same light as Boston or Vienna. While leftists are up in arms about his decision to veto the first legislature-approved same sex marriage bill, Schwarzenegger does have a point; the people of California already shot down this legislation and the state Congress approved it anyway.

"I'm encouraged that the governor is going to stop the runaway Legislature, and he's going to represent the people," said Karen England of the Capitol Resource Institute, a Sacramento group that lobbied against the bill.

Here's what the activists have to say (like you need to know where they stand):

"Clearly he's pandering to an extreme right wing, which was not how he got elected," said Geoff Kors, executive director of Equality California, one of the bill's sponsors. "He got elected with record numbers of lesbian and gay voters who had not previously voted for a Republican, and he sold us out."

Of course, they have to remember that not all actors/entertainers are liberals who stump for John Kerry. When you vote for a Republican, you're going to get right-leaning votes and vetos. Duh.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Iran to send 20 million barrels of crude to help out Katrina victims; New form of blackmail emerges
Topic: World News

In a huge effort to help the United States get over the Katrina devastation and hopefully get the U.S. monkey off their nuclear back, Iran has announced they will send 20 million barrels of crude oil to America, but only if the government backs off of trade sanctions that were imposed after Iranian terrorists took control of the U.S. embassy in 1979. U.S. officials have denied this has happened. D'oh!

State Department spokesman Sean McCormack said, "No, we haven't received any direct contact from the Iranian government with an offer."

Umm... oops? The Cubans have apparently offered medical assistance and personnel, and we've sanctioned the crap out of them since the mid 50's.

"In terms of Cuba, I understand that there has been an offer of medical personnel," McCormack said. "I think it is an offer, along with some other offers of medical personnel, that we will continue to take a look at."

So is this just a new form of global blackmail? Perhaps if we allow a few other countries to bribe us as well, we'll get the price of gas to under $2.00 a gallon like it was in January... when we bought our gas guzzler. Son of a bitch.


USA TODAY via SPLOID

Handicapping the Next SCOTUS
Topic: National News

Just to clear the air, we did not report on the death of Chief Justice William Rehnquist because he passed away on Saturday, and we were drunkenly watching college football. In fact, ABC interrupted the final three minute's of our alma mater's opening game to give a two and a half minute video eulogy for the departed justice. If we hadn't have had XM radio to fall back on, we would've purchased a flight to ABC headquarters in New York and burned that son of a bitch down.

But we digress. Now that President Bush has announced he wants the very young John G. Roberts to replace Rehnquist as Chief Justice (good luck with that one, Dubya), the list for his second nomination is open to any suggestions.

One name has been batted around the office, but it was already toyed with after Sandra Day O'Connor's retirement. While Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez might have some of the experience, in the words of Senator Kay Bailey Hutchinson, "gimme a bitch!" Arlen Spector agrees on the woman issue as well, making this race a true head scratcher.

Of course, Bush will not go into any of this until Roberts is confirmed, so expect a few good months at least with an inactive and non-intact judicial branch. Gotta love our country, where we can operate without a full government whenever we disagree with people not of our political affiliation.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

California Congress Approves Gay Marriage; Ahnuld Will Have None of It, Vows to Crush "Fairies"
Topic: National News

A special assembly today cheered as California became only the third state (at least we think it's the third state) to pass a referendum allowing gay marriage. While the cheers from West Hollywood and San Fransisco may have been heard as far away as Pasadena, someone else heard the announcement as well, and instead emitted a booming "Nooooooooooooo!" in his patented Austrian accent.

The 41-35 vote was historic, but crafty. For example, the state will not recognize other gay marriages, which comes from another referendum that was passed five years ago. However, this vote might not last, since all Governor Schwarzenegger has to do is pick up a pen and sign his veto, something that many across the state are arguing.

Will the Governator put a halt to gay marriage and crush the hopes and dreams of thousands of people who wouldn't vote for his reelection anyway? Probably, because California isn't Massachusetts, and people out on the west coast aren't as big of idiots as those in Boston. Gay marriage is all well and good, but not for Republicans, and if Ahnuld wants another chance at reelection and nationwide support, he'll have to crush that gay baby under his boot as if it was an extra on the set of Terminator 4.


MSNBC

Sean Penn Sinks Boat Attempting to Save People!
Topic: Entertainment

This is filed under entertainment not only because Sean Penn is an actor, despite his recent moonlighting as a bad journalist, but also because this photograph of him baling water out of a boat with a red plastic Solo cup usually reserved for mid-afternoon games of frat house beer pong had us laughing for a good five minutes.

While we salute the fact that Penn has taken it upon himself to help out where the federal government cannot (or as Penn would say, have criminally failed), he is a major jackass. How many people can you save in a dinghy anyway, regardless of whether or not it has holes in it? This man has won an Oscar and is worth millions of dollars and he tried to use our grandfather's bass boat to save people from the tops of their roofs? Bad form, Penn. Good intentions, but bad form.

P.S. - Does anyone take Sean Penn seriously anymore?

P.P.S. - We're not kidding. Anyone?

P.P.P.S. - We bet Michael Moore won't even return his phone calls, especially after that whole live-blogging Iran thing.

DEFAMER

Real American Heros; Washington Man Kills Two Child Rapists
Topic: National News

This is at least a certain sign that someone else out there agrees with the book Darkly Dreaming Dexter. The Dexter of Bellingham, Washington, however, has decided to turn himself in. Michael Anthony Mullen contacted police Monday to confirm that he was the one who killed two level 3 sex offenders and subsequently sent them an anonymous note claiming the actions as his own.

While Mullen is being held for first degree murder, we give him a hearty salute and hope he gets off scott free, as we believe he should only be charged with Impersonating a Government Official. Mullen reportedly dressed as an FBI agent to gain access to the apartment where he killed both men.

Thumbs up for you Mr. Mullen, for showing our court system what we should do to child rapists. We hope you cut off their disgusting penises before you killed them.


AP via YAHOO! NEWS

Slate's Timothy Noah Doesn't TRY to Hide Hate for Bush
Topic: Media

What is one to do when one writes for an obvious left-leaning Internet magazine sponsored originally by Microsoft before a recent sale to the Washington Post when there is no new stories that one can write about regarding the problems in New Orleans that have not already been reported a million times on cable news networks? Why, you attack the President (whom you obviously hate yet continually fail to admit it) with something that was published in 18-fucking-32.

Slate's Timothy Noah has written in his Chatterbox column that Bush was aware that the levees in New Orleans would break because of an article that Noah undoubtedly had to pay (or ridicule) some low-ranking intern to Google until they found that was published in, we shit you not, Domestic Manners of the Americans, by Fanny Trollope (the FAMOUS Fanny Trollope - ed.). The point of the article was that the levees were not designed to withhold Mother Nature.

This is President Bush's fault, according to Noah, who previously said that "I don't think anyone anticipated the breach of the levees." So what is the point of our reporting? The point is that we have always thought that, while smart, Noah was a shameless socialist, we are now certain of it, and we are going to continue to read and report on his ridiculous column every week until he or a representative sends us notice to "please stop making fun of our client."

Timothy Noah, this is for you; you are one dumb son of a bitch who only seems to exist to prove that there is no need to have intelligent thoughts as long as you can spit your venom towards the object of your hate, which in your case is anyone who thinks more conservative than you. However, socialists are pretty much the farthest left you can be, so it must suck for you to hate everyone... douchebag.


SLATE

We have escaped!
Topic: Housekeeping

Huzzah! We will throw off the shackles of our oppressors and run wild into the streets, screaming the names of all those who dare to halt our march towards freedom and a chilled bottle of Tito's vodka! And we will drink that vodka mixed with Crush orange soda, while sitting in a bathtub and chain-smoking Parliament full flavors until next Tuesday, because we are on vacation.

Oh yes, despite rumors of our escape, this is the first time it is true. In nearly two years in the same office, with no refuge except for the occasional glance out the window before being smacked across the back with a cat o' nine tails, we are escaping.

The hole is dug, my friends! The captors are looking the other way! Onward to freedom we run! We will return next Tuesday!

The Age of Phone Freedom is Upon Us!
Topic: National News

Parents, feel completely free to give your six year old daughter a phone so she can talk to her friends on her way to school while in the back of your minivan, despite the fact that your son in college did not get a phone until age nineteen.

Eighteen year old sorority girls, talk to your girlfriends about the guy you just washed out of you while putting on your makeup and driving to church while nursing a hangover.

Angered female attorney, operate your manual transmission car in front of us as you erratically switch lanes to make it look like you meant to because you're speeding and yelling at the defense attorney's secretary through your Bluetooth headset.

Young men, go ahead and get that extra shot of Jaegermeister in you before getting in your lifted 4x4 and driving home while screaming into the phone about a post party to some eighteen year old sorority girl in the next car over and blasting the new Twisted Nipple CD.

Executives, speak all the way through lunch loudly into the receiver to show exactly how self-important you believe you really are, because that stupid waitress needs to know that you are not a man with whom to fuck.

Because you may be stupid... but your phone won't give you brain cancer.


MSNBC

Sharpton Driver Arrested in Dallas for Speeding After Visiting Peace Idiot Sheehan!
Topic: Texas News

Now it's really national news, but since it happened in Texas, it stays in Texas. The driver of a Lincoln carrying Rev. Al Sharpton to DFW airport was arrested on Sunday for evading police and going 110 in a 65 on Interstate 35 outside of Waxahachie. While we have gone over 110 mph on that particular stretch of road, we usually put a friend in a car in front of us, so that if anyone gets arrested, it's not us. Sharpton, of course, thinks this is some sort of racial collusion.

"I think this is a little Texas politics," Sharpton told the Daily News yesterday. "None of it happened like that at all. "If there was a 9-mile chase on someone and a wild pursuit, wouldn't every one in the car have been held?"

You'd think as a former criminal, Sharpton would know that you can't exactly arrest someone for being near someone else who is doing something illegal, but that's just semantics. What he should remember, instead of laws that don't exist, is that now Texas is majority minority. If a white cop arrests a Hispanic male, this is no longer racism, according to Sharpton's previous arguments. This is the minority trying to rise up and overcome!

Sharpton was in town to visit no-war wench Cindy Sheehan and add an extra bit of idiot to the area. We don't think he'll be back to Texas soon.


NY DAILY NEWS